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What would you have done?
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amother




Gold


Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 10:02 pm
I'm crying for that poor child. With parents like that who know what kind of upbringing that baby will have. Someone needs to step in - I'm not sure how, though.
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chestnut




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 11:14 pm
Is this couple off in any way?
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WhatFor




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 12:21 am
chestnut wrote:
Is this couple off in any way?


I don't know them but yes.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 12:50 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:

The parents didn't really seem to care. The father was like, "It's my wife's job to take care of the baby, so I ignored both of them." The mother was like, "I just wanted to sleep, so ignored the baby and hoped my husband would wake up and take care of her."


OP if this is how they treat a helpless baby who cannot do anything for itself - I don't think this couple is capable of treating kids properly.

Is there any way you can bring this up to the mom or get someone involved? They don't sound terribly malicious or mean or manipulative. They sound naive and neglectful. It's possible they can be given the proper skills and tools to become good parents.

I hate to think of how often this happens at their own house. If they have no care for their baby crying or 3 hours, or 20 other people hearing the cries, and not realizing that those 20 other people may find it NEGLECTFUL - that's a serious red flag.

I'm literally davening for this poor baby. Please, can you do something about it?
Honestly I'd invite them back just to see if I can try and help this couple and poor baby instead of reporting them or something.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 1:02 am
The baby was probably hungry. If they would have fed baby, she might've gone back to sleep & let her mom sleep too.
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abound




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 1:19 am
I (hope) imagine that these are very young parents who do not realize the importance of taking care of a baby. No daddy, your baby is your job, if your wife does it most of the time thats great but when they come take your children away from BOTH of you, saying it is my wifes job won't get him off the hook. The wife too!
I would have knocked on the door and offered to take the baby (ask if everything was okay) I am assuming they would not have taken me up on it. But, I would not care either way. Later that day or sometime during the week, I would sit down with them and explain to them that this was serious neglect and borderline abusive. Starving a helpless infant is terrible, letting him cry because you dont want to deal with him, is emotionally abusive etc. I would not mention the part about being rude to your host and other guest, because I want them to continue acting this way in my home so I can see if this changes. I would also keep a close eye on the couple and invite them again to see if they made any changes and if not..............deal with it then.

I am generally not an alarmist, but this was terrible and what bothered me a lot was that so many amothers were answering about the part that she was a guest (who cares about that in the big of scheme of things)
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 1:49 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
The parents didn't really seem to care. The father was like, "It's my wife's job to take care of the baby, so I ignored both of them." The mother was like, "I just wanted to sleep, so ignored the baby and hoped my husband would wake up and take care of her."
So until you wrote the above all that I could think of was that when my daughter was about a year and a half we went to check out a community and slep at complete strangers. Our daughter cried on and off ALL night. But we did try to sooth her ALL night. In other words, not one of us got a full night sleep. But I mean, from 10 pm until probably 5 or 6 AM she cried and cried and would stop a bit and then start again (we have no idea what the issue was but when it got light she stopped, so something in the room must have been scaring her).
But once I read the above part of your post, I got downright angry. Who treats a spouse and child that way? I think they both have a lot of growing up to do and a lot of learning in terms of responsibilities in life and a marriage and a family.
I would only invite them back if they understood what they did was very wrong.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 2:07 am
shabbatiscoming wrote:

I would only invite them back if they understood what they did was very wrong.


If they don't invite them back, how can they help this poor little baby?
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 2:36 am
LovesHashem wrote:
If they don't invite them back, how can they help this poor little baby?
Unfortunately it is not the OP's job to help the baby. We could argue that it is her and her husband's job to explain to the other couple how they acted and how wrong it was, but its not their baby. Sad
Thats just my opinion.
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amother




Chocolate


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 5:51 am
If you told me they let baby cry it out 5:30-6:30 or 6:30-7 then I would say that's annoying, but clearly they're trying to sleep train for later mornings. But 6:30 is a pretty reasonable wake time for a baby and morning sleep training shouldn't go more than an hour.
I would have knocked and let them know that they living room is available if they want to bring her down to play, or there are Cheerios in the kitchen for breakfast. If I was feeling really nice I might offer do they need water to make her a bottle.
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amother




Ruby


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 5:56 am
amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:
If you told me they let baby cry it out 5:30-6:30 or 6:30-7 then I would say that's annoying, but clearly they're trying to sleep train for later mornings. But 6:30 is a pretty reasonable wake time for a baby and morning sleep training shouldn't go more than an hour.
I would have knocked and let them know that they living room is available if they want to bring her down to play, or there are Cheerios in the kitchen for breakfast. If I was feeling really nice I might offer do they need water to make her a bottle.


What they did was neglectful.

Regardless, you don't sleep train in someone else's house! If you are going to sleep train you don't travel or you wait until all your necessary travel is over.
If you don't, then you're rude and selfish.
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Rappel




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 5:57 am
I'm horrified. OP, did you talk to the mum about childcare? What did she say?

(It sounds like they're having some marriage issues too. Maybe she needs since extra support, but someone needs to teach her how to care for her child! If not you, then who?)
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amother




Slategray


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 6:28 am
Am I the only one who feels sympathy over here? I think ppl are being somewhat judgy calling mom disgraceful and lazy. Abusive/depressed are very different from selfish and lazy.
One of my kids was like this as a baby. Esp when we would be away from home. (Granted, not at 9mo old) Cried nonstop for 2-3 hours EVERY NIGHT despite anything I tried. Rocking, singing, tummy rubs, walking arnd outside, playing, swinging... Tried it all. Eventually after 3 hrs of trying everything my sleep-deprived brain cud think of in the middle of the night, sometimes I would just feed baby again, throw up my hands and say, ok, it's dad's turn. If dad didn't try anything, I couldn't force him to, I have 3 other kids to deal with come 630 AM and yes needed some sleep to be somewhat functional.
Did I feel bad for the baby? Yes, but a mom's job is to do the best she can. If her best is not good enough in terms of providing basic physical and emotional needs, she needs help and direction. But no help pointing abuse fingers at someone who needed 2 hours of sleep.
That being said, 9 months old is a bit past the age for colic. As a host, I wudve just knocked and told them abt playrm/food in kitchen as others suggested. And watched how mom interacted w her child during the day. Maybe she was just too emb to say anything?
My point is, a baby should not be crying for 3 hours straight, but calling mom abusive based on this incident seems to be a little...hasty.
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amother




Ruby


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 6:50 am
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
Am I the only one who feels sympathy over here? I think ppl are being somewhat judgy calling mom disgraceful and lazy. Abusive/depressed are very different from selfish and lazy.
One of my kids was like this as a baby. Esp when we would be away from home. (Granted, not at 9mo old) Cried nonstop for 2-3 hours EVERY NIGHT despite anything I tried. Rocking, singing, tummy rubs, walking arnd outside, playing, swinging... Tried it all. Eventually after 3 hrs of trying everything my sleep-deprived brain cud think of in the middle of the night, sometimes I would just feed baby again, throw up my hands and say, ok, it's dad's turn. If dad didn't try anything, I couldn't force him to, I have 3 other kids to deal with come 630 AM and yes needed some sleep to be somewhat functional.
Did I feel bad for the baby? Yes, but a mom's job is to do the best she can. If her best is not good enough in terms of providing basic physical and emotional needs, she needs help and direction. But no help pointing abuse fingers at someone who needed 2 hours of sleep.
That being said, 9 months old is a bit past the age for colic. As a host, I wudve just knocked and told them abt playrm/food in kitchen as others suggested. And watched how mom interacted w her child during the day. Maybe she was just too emb to say anything?
My point is, a baby should not be crying for 3 hours straight, but calling mom abusive based on this incident seems to be a little...hasty.


So don't go away?
Or warn your hosts?

Or take a walk in middle of the night?

You don't get to sleep in someone else's house while you're baby is crying. In your own home, maybe. But not as a guest.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 8:46 am
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
Am I the only one who feels sympathy over here? I think ppl are being somewhat judgy calling mom disgraceful and lazy. Abusive/depressed are very different from selfish and lazy.
One of my kids was like this as a baby. Esp when we would be away from home. (Granted, not at 9mo old) Cried nonstop for 2-3 hours EVERY NIGHT despite anything I tried. Rocking, singing, tummy rubs, walking arnd outside, playing, swinging... Tried it all. Eventually after 3 hrs of trying everything my sleep-deprived brain cud think of in the middle of the night, sometimes I would just feed baby again, throw up my hands and say, ok, it's dad's turn. If dad didn't try anything, I couldn't force him to, I have 3 other kids to deal with come 630 AM and yes needed some sleep to be somewhat functional.
Did I feel bad for the baby? Yes, but a mom's job is to do the best she can. If her best is not good enough in terms of providing basic physical and emotional needs, she needs help and direction. But no help pointing abuse fingers at someone who needed 2 hours of sleep.
That being said, 9 months old is a bit past the age for colic. As a host, I wudve just knocked and told them abt playrm/food in kitchen as others suggested. And watched how mom interacted w her child during the day. Maybe she was just too emb to say anything?
My point is, a baby should not be crying for 3 hours straight, but calling mom abusive based on this incident seems to be a little...hasty.


Had she said the baby simply cried and was inconsolable - I wouldn't scream abuse.
But she said both the mom and dad were aware and just went back to sleep and didn't do a thing.

Those are 2 VERY different things.
OP was VERY clear that the mom and dad couldn't care less that their baby was crying since it was ruining their sleep and their own wants.
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amother




Gold


Post  Thu, Sep 19 2019, 9:22 am
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
Am I the only one who feels sympathy over here? I think ppl are being somewhat judgy calling mom disgraceful and lazy. Abusive/depressed are very different from selfish and lazy.
One of my kids was like this as a baby. Esp when we would be away from home. (Granted, not at 9mo old) Cried nonstop for 2-3 hours EVERY NIGHT despite anything I tried. Rocking, singing, tummy rubs, walking arnd outside, playing, swinging... Tried it all. Eventually after 3 hrs of trying everything my sleep-deprived brain cud think of in the middle of the night, sometimes I would just feed baby again, throw up my hands and say, ok, it's dad's turn. If dad didn't try anything, I couldn't force him to, I have 3 other kids to deal with come 630 AM and yes needed some sleep to be somewhat functional.
Did I feel bad for the baby? Yes, but a mom's job is to do the best she can. If her best is not good enough in terms of providing basic physical and emotional needs, she needs help and direction. But no help pointing abuse fingers at someone who needed 2 hours of sleep.
That being said, 9 months old is a bit past the age for colic. As a host, I wudve just knocked and told them abt playrm/food in kitchen as others suggested. And watched how mom interacted w her child during the day. Maybe she was just too emb to say anything?
My point is, a baby should not be crying for 3 hours straight, but calling mom abusive based on this incident seems to be a little...hasty.


Continue reading op's post. The parents knew about it and couldn't care less, each hoping that their spouse would take care of their baby. If you don't want to call it abusive, call it something else but this couple has some serious problems.
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