Friend hurt another friend

amother

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 10:43 am

I have a friend who is very frail. (A)
A different friend (B) really took advantage of her and hurt her deeply.
A will never say something to B. B told me about the situation, how awesome and generous A is. She knows that she pulled a fast one, and was manipulative, but thinks she was clever and by praising A in public, that she looks good, and that A will feel pride and therefore get over it and not mind. I have lost a tremendous amount of respect for B. Do I mind my own business (as DH suggests) or try to facilitate some tshuvah? I have asked A and she has deferred to my judgement.
(B will of course run to publicly apologize, all while saying she did nothing wrong, but that she is extra gracious, nobody should think ill of her and she wouldn't want a bad gzar din)

ora_43

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 3:55 pm

I don't know about facilitating teshuva, but definitely go ahead and call B on what she did. If nothing else, it's part of being a good friend to B.

I have no idea what B did, so I'll pretend she stuck A with the bill for her and some friends at a restaurant.

I'm imagining something like (assuming you've never known B to be a bad person in the past):

"B, I don't want to get between you and A, but that story you told me about you and A at the restaurant has been disturbing me. It's just... from what I know of you, I know you wouldn't hurt A on purpose, but it sounds like you kind of forced her into paying the bill."

(Her: Oh, no, A is soooo generous. She was fine with paying. She's just great.)

"A is great. But from what you told me, it sounds like she didn't really have an option not to pay."

(Her: blah blah excuses blah)

"I hear you. I'll be honest, if it were me, I would feel pressured in that situation. But I'll leave it between you and A. I just wanted to clarify, because what you told me before really surprised me, coming from you."

This is relatively gentle, because I'm assuming B isn't normally someone who goes around taking advantage of people. I'm assuming (since she's your friend, and usually you respect her) she's a generally nice person who let herself do something unkind because it got her something she really wanted. In which case a gentle reminder that it was seriously Not OK and that other people recognize it as Not OK should do it.

ora_43

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 3:59 pm

I think ideally, A would go tell B she was hurt.

Since she didn't, I don't think it's your place to tell B how A feels, or to tell her to apologize.

What is your place is to clarify something your friend said that disturbed you, and that's causing you to lose respect for her. As a friend, give her the chance to earn back your respect, either by giving some reasonable explanation you were missing or owning up to what she did and fixing it.

amother

Pink

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 9:45 am

I was the friend who got hurt publicly, while the offender's friends were around. Even if the friends think she was wrong & know I was hurt, they don't have the courage to tell their friend off, because they are afraid to mess with her. Not an easy situation to be stuck with. Sometimes, two people will make up with each others, but the mediator stay the enemy.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 10:21 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

Me too, and its weighing very heavily on me at this time of year.

I committed the mortal sin of standing up for myself, and have lost everything.