If your parents/in laws paid down payment on house...

amother

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 11:36 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

That's where I grew up, and that's where I saw some families really Do a nice job on the inside of the home.

If your husband is taking this so personally, you need to find a way to communicate to him that it's not personal, it's just a matter of your opinion.

Does your family still live there? How often and how many repairs do they need to make? What's the crowd like there? I was under the assumption that some of the older wealthier families moved out and some of the younger kollel type of families moved in.

amother

Blue

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 11:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know people there currently who have designed the inside of their homes very nicely.
Some of the older wealthier crowd moved, some didn't.
Why does it matter if the crowd who lives there is old and wealthy or young and kollel?

amother

Emerald

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 11:40 am

My parents gave my brother and I identical amounts to be used as down payments. They were both more than adequate as down payments for homes that I could reasonably afford.

I brought them along to look at potential choices as I valued their opinion as knowledgeable people as they had owned their own home and my father was very knowledgeable about construction. My mother was more concerned about security.

My relationship with my parents of course had its share of meshugos - what parent/child relationship doesn't and what Jewish mother doesn't still know how to render her daughter 10 years old again Very Happy

However, our relationship was not toxic and I knew they only wanted the best and weren't using money to control me in any way. We all agreed on the best choice and there were a few places where they pointed out concerns which I then saw were valid and so they steered me away from any obvious bad choices.

I don't know what it would have been like if the downpayment or other financial support was being used as some kind of manipulative device. My parents were generous because it gave them pleasure - on the other hand, the children were expected to be self supporting except for the down payment or some kind of true emergency situation.

amother

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 11:41 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

I prefer to live in a simpler more torah'dik neighborhood as opposed to wealthier more balebatish families, although they may be super nice, since those are the standards we live by and I can't afford to keep up with anything higher.

amother

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 11:46 am

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

So my situation is pretty similar. My parents are also giving us and my brother down payments, assume he's getting the same as us, didn't ask. My father is also very knowledgeable, as a homeowner for 30 years and as an accountant, and just in general a smart person. Unfortunately, we don't have the best relationship and the last conversation I had with him, he took everything I said the wrong way, which really turned me off.
I don't think they're trying to control, they just want their money's worth and want to make sure I won't fall into something that won't be worth it, although they did come across somewhat controlling. Also, my husband has very diff needs than they do and in general is very diff than them and diff things are more important to him than others. I understand both sides, the story of my life bh, and in general, when it comes to major decisions such as chinuch or medical etc, I don't necessarily go by what they say, either bec I can't discuss w them, or bec I know we're diff.
However, this scenario is diff. Buying a house is a huge investment and it's their money for the down payment, although we are expected to manage on our own afterwards.
Ahhh, may Hashem help us!

amother

Green

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 12:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Actually they're building in a prime area, but are just able to afford what we can't. But I didn't say that, he did. Now you see with all this negativity instilled, why it created such a damper? I try not to let what my parents say/think get to me but this is major and it's with their money.

You may think all people from Brooklyn can afford expensive, but many don’t. I don’t have parents OR in-laws that can help us with anything. Dh barely makes enough for savings after expenses. I would move to Lakewood if it made sense and rent and eventually buy if possible, but it’s not something I can foresee happening soon! No I don’t drive either so I get your concerns. But I also feel I deserve better yet know my limitations and I’m happy with what I can get

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 12:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I say this as an accountant.

The money is not an investment for your father. Its a gift to you. It becomes part of an investment for you. He can give you advice on how to invest what is now your money - and he seems to be doing that - but you and DH are the only ones who can determine 'worth' here.

There is an intangible that you are paying for - proximity to DH shul. That is worth a lot to him. You may 'get that back' someday - you may not. You are investing in DH happiness here, not just bricks and paint.

amother

Oak

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 1:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

yes, I'm talking about Whispering Pines and just spoke with someone else who knows real estate and she told me these homes were built to last 20 years and after that everything falls apart and we will be busy fixing and shelling out money for repairs every month. She very much talked me out of it.
However, my husband disagrees and is so disappointed and hurt! He feels he invested so much energy and time into making this happen and now I'm backing out on him. I told him I wasn't excited about it all along but he wasn't hearing me. Now he's so hurt and I don't want to hurt him! That's the last thing I want to do! We made up he will speak with Rav who will be in town tomorrow. This is so complicated!
I told him if he disagrees and feels it's a great deal, he should just go ahead with it and not wait for my consent. I would rather have a terrible deal than have a miserable husband.

Have you considered hiring a home inspector and contractor to inspect the home in order to evaluate the structure, electrical and plumbing systems, HVAC, roof, etc. That will give you a lot better idea than a real estate agent who is trying to sell you another home, or someone who lived there 10 years ago.

Yes, there are things that will likely need to be replaced in a 20 year-old house. The roof, for one. HVAC. Other appliances. But these are expected maintenance costs.

amother

Teal

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 7:21 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

Both sets of parents gifted us money towards a down payment with no strings or opinions attached.

Same here BH. I found the place and we did it according to what we wanted. I did get their advice regarding what we were looking at because they are more experienced than me and I value their opinion.
ETA: I had answered before I read the rest of the thread, and now I see that the original post doesn't really have to do with the situation OP is facing. Good luck with your choice, OP- with every choice you make there are benefits of the other choices that you are going to deny, and you have to decide what's important to you. I do not make choices easily... wishing you the best!

amother

Brown

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 8:16 pm

I am not getting downpayment from either set of parents. I also work very hard to make it happen. I was ready to sign on a flat in the PERFECT neighborhood, but then I realized how TINY it is, and absolutely cannot see my hard earned money go for that. I also feel like I need more for my money. I am also not into gashmius, but I really, really, really want nice and fresh and big enough to accomodate my family comfortably.
So, OOT, here we go.
yes, we will start from fresh and DH will have to find a new shul, but I just couldn't put that much money down for such a small space. I realize that I cannot have e/t.
BTW, Texas has MANSIONS for less than your budget. Just saying...

amother

Crimson

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 9:41 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm from whispering pines. We moved for reasons not related to the quality of the houses.

First, there are still lots of very balabatishe people living there. They fixed their townhouses up really, really nicely and they're still living there. I wish I could post names but obviously I can't... there are some really beautiful townhouses there - some people really did their homes beautifully.

Second, everyone says those houses are garbage, I don't agree. We moved to a supposedly much better house which was built better, supposedly, and were not finding that at all. Our roof leaked. The air conditioner needed to be fixed almost immediately. And the soundproofing here is atrocious. In whispering pines I wouldn't hear a sound when I was upstairs - in my new house it's like there's a microphone, every move is broadcasted all over the house. And this is supposedly a better builder.

The main issue I had in WP was the parking, but if you don't drive...

All houses need work eventually. I don't think WP is worse than anywhere else. And the location is good, so you will always be able to sell.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 10:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In that case, you're doing the right thing by buying a house that reflects your standards. Your dream house would give you neighbors whose lifestyle isn't what you want for your family.

amother

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 6:39 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

yes, we had an inspector go thru every detail of the house but am concerned other items will start breaking later on.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 6:47 am

OP, you just don't seem ready to buy.

No one finds the perfect house in perfect condition for the perfect price in the perfect location.

Make a list of pros and cons, needs vs wants, and then decide if this house fits your "needs" list.

Your father putting a damper on things is unfortunate. I know what it's like and that's without being given a down payment! It was my own hard-earned money that was paying the down payment and we had to deal with everyone's opinions and comments (parents and in-laww). But at the end of the day, YOU will be living there and YOU need to be ok with this decision. You are being affected by your father's words because YOU didn't decide yet if you are ok with compromising on certain things. You gotta work on yourself, together with your list of must-haves and make a decision. Then if you decide yes to go ahead, you'll have the confidence in your thought-through decision and you'll be able to block out your father's words even if they're negative.

amother

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 7:02 am

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

I hear you and you're probably right. So what should I do if I'm not ready to buy and why am I not ready to buy?

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 7:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I hear you and you're probably right. So what should I do if I'm not ready to buy and why am I not ready to buy?

You are married 20 years already, you said. If you don't buy now, chances are you won't ever buy. Are you ready to remain renting for the rest of your life? How important is home ownership for you? If you aren't ready to compromise on location and condition of house, and you can't compromise on price, chances are nothing will change in another few years. Unless you anticipate major income increase, housing prices continuously go up, so within another couple of years (as you IYH marry off your kids), you expenses will increase, and buying a home will be out of your reach.

That's my perspective. My parents and in-laws are still renting. This motivated me to buy ANYTHING as soon as we were realistically able to afford it (without help!). We bought out of the area, house that needed work and was smaller than my dream home. But I'm so glad we did it. We would not have done better waiting. I closed my heart and made a decision with my mind, and we don't regret it at all, though I am awaiting the day we can afford an extension so that I can have a laundry room.

amother

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 7:15 am

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

Yes, now is definitely the time to buy, that's what everyone tells us and know logically everything that everyone is saying is true. I guess I'm just scared and also not so tempted by this house. I keep thinking, what's so good about it? It's a regular small old townhouse with no property for a hefty fee.