Just promise me it'll get better UPDATE

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants

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amother

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 5:54 pm

As part of the updating old threads challenge, here's an update Smile

it's better, much much better. Not perfect but better. The kids are best of friends and though the house is pretty flying, it's much easier to handle. Thank you to all those who gave me strength and advice. Imamother is wonderful support

I have an 18 month old and a 4 week old. My 4 week old doesn't sleep much at night and takes so much effort to get to sleep at naps. My 18 month old is loud, always looking for excitement, very needy and can't keep himself busy for the 45 mins that it takes to put the baby to sleep. I'm going out of my mind from the constant screaming of either my overtired newborn or banished to the crib with toys and a drink toddler.
I try to take them out every day but schlepping the double stroller and running after my toddler in the park made my bleeding start again and my body is strongly protesting.
I'm running on NOTHING and have absolutely no way to fix it. I'm desperate for 8 straight hours of sleep which isn't possible for months at least and I'm so close to just exploding. I can't do this anymore and I have no one to cry to. My husband doesn't get it, my mother will give impractical and useless advice and my close friends all have their own life situations that mean I can't complain to them.
Don't suggest birth control. It's a whole parsha on its own and won't help with my 2 screaming children under 2.
I just need to know that this is going to end before I lose it. Promise there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:01 pm

I promise it gets better, and you can keep me to it. My kids are 13 months apart. When my baby was born I was sure that this is how it will be forever.

They are now 3 and 2 and they are the best of friends and the cutest kids ever.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Try to cut as many corners as you can. If possible have your 18 month old out for a couple of hours a day for you to get a break. See if you can get cleaning help. Take 5 minutes a day for yourself. Lock yourself into the bathroom if you must.

amother

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:02 pm

The worst part is that my toddler is at playgroup every day Can't Believe It

and I'm still not managing the 3:00-7:30 hours and weekends.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:08 pm

Ok while your toddler is at playgroup you must lie in bed the entire time. Nurse when your baby is hungry, sleep when he sleeps. Keep granola bars, nuts, and water at your bedside. Do not leave your bed for 5 hours. Repeat daily. Your outlook should change within days. At that point, you can gradually increase "doing" time in 10-minute increments until you reach your manageable level.

Serve scrambled eggs for supper, chicken or roast and orzo for yom tov. This will pass. It will.

simba

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:09 pm

There is al light but it’s bit far away. Can you get a night nurse for a few nights to let you catch up on sleep.

You should not be shlepping out a double stroller with a 4 week old.

You don’t need promises of better times ahead. You need a few sets of hands on deck to make this time pass without you losing your sanity.

If they can’t be dh or your mother it needs to be hired.

dankbar

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:09 pm

You are still a kimpeturin.

Try to put infant to nap right before toddler comes home, so you can focus on giving attention for toddler when he gets home

amother

Taupe

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:11 pm

Also, nurse in bed, at least in the mornings. Google safe co-sleeping for basic safety tips like pushing your bed against the wall, removing blanket and pillow.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:11 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have an 18 month old and a 4 week old. My 4 week old doesn't sleep much at night and takes so much effort to get to sleep at naps. My 18 month old is loud, always looking for excitement, very needy and can't keep himself busy for the 45 mins that it takes to put the baby to sleep. I'm going out of my mind from the constant screaming of either my overtired newborn or banished to the crib with toys and a drink toddler.
I try to take them out every day but schlepping the double stroller and running after my toddler in the park made my bleeding start again and my body is strongly protesting.
I'm running on NOTHING and have absolutely no way to fix it. I'm desperate for 8 straight hours of sleep which isn't possible for months at least and I'm so close to just exploding. I can't do this anymore and I have no one to cry to. My husband doesn't get it, my mother will give impractical and useless advice and my close friends all have their own life situations that mean I can't complain to them.
Don't suggest birth control. It's a whole parsha on its own and won't help with my 2 screaming children under 2.
I just need to know that this is going to end before I lose it. Promise there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

No one can promise u anything, no one is G-d and no one is a navi but logic would have it they’re gonna grow up and it should get easier with time.

lora

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:22 pm

there are many organizations or just girls who would gladly help out a bit.
check with a local school if they have a program that you can be added to for someone to either watch your kids or help with other chores.
its ok not to be managing at this point, your body is still recovering and your newborn is still to young for a schedule, your toddler is going through major adjustments-this all will straighten out eventually.
treat yourself whenever and with whatever you can. a chocolate and coffee, a quick read or a good song, maybe a manicure when you feel up to it. the better you feel about yourself, the more cared for, the more you can care and give to your family so nothing is selfish at this point.

honeymoon

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:24 pm

It will get better op. It will. Take it from a mom who had 3 kids under three yrs old and was positive my sanity will be a relic of the past at one point. My kids are a bit older now and here I am, my sanity intact (by the skin of my teeth, I confess!).

Gam zeh yaavor, this too shall pass. Tell it to yourself while trying to nurse baby while toddler is underfoot. Tell it to yourself when there is no dinner. Tell it to yourself when you feel like punching the wall. Tell it to yourself when you wait for dh to come home so you can use the bathroom. Tell it to yourself when you feel like you no longer can do this thing called motherhood. We get you, op. You are normal. Actually, you are a superhero!

Go easy on yourself. Nap when baby naps, pasta and scrambled eggs are ok dinners, laundry can be taken straight out of the hamper, a clean house is a luxury now, take cleaning help if you can afford it, and ask for help. Can you get a high school girl to take your toddler to the park for an hour? Oh, and let your dh read your post.

Hang in there, you can do this!

pizzapie

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:25 pm

Your baby is still a newborn are you are still postpartum! Of course it's insanely difficult! You're taking care of 2 babies. Please remember to take care of yourself. Sleep when baby sleeps while your toddler is at playgroup. Now is not the time to worry about cooking decent meals or deep cleaning your house. Take one day at a time.
My second was born when my oldest was barely one. It was extremely difficult but I promise they grow up!

thunderstorm

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:25 pm

If your 18 month old is out of the house, use the time to lie down and rest if baby sleeps then. Forget about the mess and all that . First you need to focus on your sleep. I had my first two 15 months apart and my newborn was very colicky . So sleep was really important. It does get easier as they get older, and begin to interact with each other. As you go through it, it is basically survival mode

amother

Amber

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:36 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This!
Was me with my first two kids. I will never forget. Something happened to my nerves for sure. I will never never never forget that hard stage! I used to go out on walks with them 7:30am Shabbos morning (they were up from 6:00) we sat in the park because it was a drop easier than sitting at home- it was just us and the birds.
9:00 a hired Bais Yaakov girl came each week to watch them and I went to SLEEP. I used to daven in shul in Shabbos until my oldest was born, but now, no way, not even a quick Shmone esre, I just fled to bed!!!!
Until 11:00. Then babysitter came back with the kids (she watched them at her house two blocks away) around same time as DH came home from shul and we both worked HARD for the rest of the day, switching off, but the bulk of it was still on me (think mincha, maariv, he actually did come home shalosh seudos just to help). Without Dh helping I think I would have been in a mental asylum .
(I had no help from family , only two hrs a day hired help on Shabbos and on wkdy afternoons, on wkdy I had a morning playgroup as well for the older one) but every hr at home was hard, and there were plenty hrs left.
They’re older now, I have a big family keh but that was the hardest stage. Now the older kids keep each other company and the younger ones just blend in and follow along, I can rest in bed Shabbos morning until 10 if I want and I daven everyday.
But I will never ever ever forget that stage. I used to cry, even with all the help.
(My oldest was high needs, hyper active , always up to something , it’s a miracle he’s alive).
I probably suffer from post traumatic stress disorder.
I have loads of nachas but I know that it’s not what you need to hear. It didn’t help me when ppl told me then that one day I’ll have nachas.
Because I just didn’t manage.

amother

Blue

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:38 pm

Focus on trying to get the longest stretch of sleep possible for you and all the help dh is around for accept. It will improve but its very difficult at 4 weeks pp. When you get enough sleep you will recover and it will be more manageable.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The worst part is that my toddler is at playgroup every day Can't Believe It

and I'm still not managing the 3:00-7:30 hours and weekends.

Weekends?? Where is your husband in allmof this?

mama2

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 6:58 pm

Been there done that OP and if I could go back and do it again I would definitely hang out in bed as much as I can while toddler is out. Just bring in PJs in bed even if not sleeping is relaxing and it’s allowing your body to rest. Also, although you’re trying to be a good mother and not deprive your toddler from going out, I think you have to give yourself a break and remember that you are only 4 weeks postpartum and your toddler will be absolutely fine sitting at home, coloring, playing and even just sitting on the couch and reading with you. That way you’re minimizing your energy spent and trust me he’ll be FINE. Mine was 14 months old and I rarely got out and he’s a perfectly healthy well rounded 10 year old now:) remember to take care of yourself... that’s what’ll ultimately make your toddler happy😀😀

amother

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 7:38 pm

Ok I cried reading all these responses. Thank you all so much for just validating.
The truth is today was just a bad bad day. I think my toddler didn't nap well at playgroup and was a royal mess. In reality I'm usually managing pretty well. I had a very difficult pregnancy so just not being pregnant anymore gives me energy. We live in a teeeeeny apartment and my toddler absolutely needs to get out every day otherwise we all regret it. My husband works long hours and gets home in time to put my toddler to sleep. That includes Sundays. No money for a night nurse and nowhere to put her (tiny apartment). My baby wakes up every single time I doze off. I'm not exaggerating. So while I do pretty much stay in bed while my toddler is out, I don't actually sleep. I'm an absolute monster without sleep (even as a teenager, if I didn't get my 8 hours then stay away) so my Shalom bayis is virtually non existent and my sanity is even less. We're eating simple meals and I have a freezer full of backup food.

Really this is all to say that I'm usually ok, today was a horrible day, I need sleep and alone time and someone to cry to

Zehava

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 7:45 pm

I’m sorry your mother isn’t stepping up to the plate. It’s hard. Everyone needs a mother especially at a vulnerable time like this.
If I lived close by and you trusted me I’d come give you a hug and then take your delicious newborn out for a bit.

amother

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 7:56 pm

My mother is a really a wonderful person but she lives a plane ride away and has a very practical personality so she doesn't understand that sometimes I just need to cry

simba

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 8:01 pm

Any chance you are in Brooklyn OP? Please PM me if yes. I can offer some practical help that your mother isn’t able to.

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