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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants

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pizzapie

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 8:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My mother is a really a wonderful person but she lives a plane ride away and has a very practical personality so she doesn't understand that sometimes I just need to cry

It's hard living away from family especially during such a difficult and vulnerable stage. Do you have any neighbors or friends in your community to whom you could reach out to for help?

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 8:56 pm

Copying what I posted in another thread today:

Every single one of my kids, by around four weeks, would only sleep on me or on their stomachs. I put them to sleep on their stomachs. Obviously the guidelines are "back to sleep," but there was literally no sleep, day or night, on their backs. My pediatrician is fine with it, btw.

With my oldest I was too scared to do this. Instead, I was so sleep deprived and frustrated that I ended up with postpartum depression and close to divorced. No I'm not exaggerating.

amother

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 9:24 pm

Simba that's so sweet but I don't live in Brooklyn Smile

I'm really managing very well for the most part, so much better than being pregnant Wink

The sleep issue is really too much for me to function through.
I can't imagine being able to sleep soundly if my baby is on her stomach so that's not going to help much, I'm a bit paranoid.

Thank you all. I hope the morning brings a better day

amother

Babypink

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 10:20 pm

I’m always available to listen. My anon email is
Phonepal123456789@gmail.com
But yes it’s very hard
You are super women!

amother

Pewter

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 10:24 pm

People may not agree with me but here are my 2 cents:

Lack of sleep makes me a crying mess. A complete animal. This is how I survive newborn stage:

1. I used this monitor on my infants, as they slept on their stomachs. I could not function otherwise. https://owletcare.com/products.....-sock

2. This is a time that I feel video time is appropriate and needed. Give the 18 month old some kiddie video to watch while you feed the newborn or whenever you feel it's most needed. You can phase this out as you don't need it anymore.
Good luck!!

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 10:35 pm

First of all -huge hugs!!! Yes it’s totally normal to be non functioning.

These may sound a little drastic but please consider all or some for your sanity & sholom bayis.

1. Pay a high school girl or older elementary to come every evening for 2 hours & take care of the baby or toddler (or both if capable). Or just to be an extra pair of hands along side u helping u with both.

2. Shabbos -DH watches both kids for a long afternoon stretch, minimum 4-5 hours and you SLEEP. Cut back on your seuda if u need to. He may need to come back earlier from shul /daven mincha at home (talk to rov), but your health must be a priority. Do what it takes to get DH to realize this.

3. Consider giving one formula feed in middle of night & let that be DHs job, that way u can get a stretch at night. Do what it takes to get DH on board. I’m sure he wants sholom bayis back. He’s working all day -but so are you!! Share the nights.

Good luck!!

honeymoon

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 10:38 pm

I might get stoned for saying this but my infants all slept on their tummy from about 4 weeks old. It made the difference between getting 20 minutes of sleep or 4 consecutive hours. My pediatrician ok'd it and mom and baby slept way better.

amother

Black

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 11:33 pm

Instead of tummy sleeping try a really good swaddle. Also bc is important now, you must find a method that works for you.

amother

Teal

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 11:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok I cried reading all these responses. Thank you all so much for just validating.
The truth is today was just a bad bad day. I think my toddler didn't nap well at playgroup and was a royal mess. In reality I'm usually managing pretty well. I had a very difficult pregnancy so just not being pregnant anymore gives me energy. We live in a teeeeeny apartment and my toddler absolutely needs to get out every day otherwise we all regret it. My husband works long hours and gets home in time to put my toddler to sleep. That includes Sundays. No money for a night nurse and nowhere to put her (tiny apartment). My baby wakes up every single time I doze off. I'm not exaggerating. So while I do pretty much stay in bed while my toddler is out, I don't actually sleep. I'm an absolute monster without sleep (even as a teenager, if I didn't get my 8 hours then stay away) so my Shalom bayis is virtually non existent and my sanity is even less. We're eating simple meals and I have a freezer full of backup food.

Really this is all to say that I'm usually ok, today was a horrible day, I need sleep and alone time and someone to cry to

It gets better! I sounded just like you, especially the part about it being better than being pregnant. The problem is because we feel a bit better we think we need to be back to our prepregnancy selves. Not possible. You need to:
A- cut yourself some slack. You’re doing a great job!
B- get sleep. I thought I could explain how I was feeling to my spouse and he tried to get it. But it’s hard to understand if you’re not living it. Instead I prepared a bottle ( breastmilk or formula -whichever floats your boat) and said I need to sleep. If it’s affecting your shalom Bayis he’ll probably be amenable to taking a shift so you can sleep.
Everything feels a drop easier after some sleep.

Also celebrate the milestones. I’ll never forget when I got my two under two to take a nap at the same time. I felt like a superhero! The memory still makes me smile.

amother

Teal

Mon, Sep 23 2019, 11:50 pm

amother [ Black ] wrote:

Instead of tummy sleeping try a really good swaddle. Also bc is important now, you must find a method that works for you.

I second the really good swaddle. I can’t bring myself to let them tummy sleep, but a good swaddle can be magic.

amother

Rose

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 12:25 am

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

I second the really good swaddle. I can’t bring myself to let them tummy sleep, but a good swaddle can be magic.

The miracle blanket is really working for us. OP- how are you swaddling now?

amother

Silver

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 2:47 am

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

I second the really good swaddle. I can’t bring myself to let them tummy sleep, but a good swaddle can be magic.

Just btw. My baby won’t sleep well on her tummy at all so don’t feel like it’s your fault the baby won’t sleep- tummy is not a sure thing !

chocolate fondue

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 3:36 am

I'm not going to give practical advice, because everyone else here is doing a great job with that, but just remember:

Time is on your side - this too will pass - quicker than you think.

And remember that you really really are still a kimpetur - cut yourself every slack there is!

amother

Indigo

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 5:47 am

Oy, I remember those days!
I won't repeat everyone else's great advice, I'll just add that my two oldest are now teenagers and my oldest, who never slept, tries to sleep all day Wink

Imagine ten years down the line when you have a gorgeous family and these two little ones are your biggest helpers!
Hatzlacha, it's tough but you'll get there!

amother

Peach

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 6:58 am

It will get easier. Mine is now 4 months (I have a 3yo and a 18month old) and I'm starting to feel more normal (there are still bad and difficult days-I need to do 4 loads of laundry which I can't face-my kitchen, don't even ask), but I feel more 'myself', whatever myself is now.
Somehow you survive these difficult few months. I don't know how, but somehow you do.
Hug

Just hang in there and slowly it will change.
I do early and long baths-they love splashing about in the water (don't ask about the bathroom floor at the end) but it helps stretch that long time. Also I've started putting them to bed earlier than I used to-Yes I know they're not going to go to sleep and I end up sitting outside their room to keep them playing in their room, but it somehow feels easier once it's bedtime even if they're not asleep.
And I totally know what you mean about getting out. It makes a difference. Just go for 5 minutes just up and down the street can make a difference. Would you babywear to make it easier instead of the double?

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 8:27 am

DH needs to be doing more to help, or he needs to be earning enough to hire some help. Expecting you to do it all is not realistic. They are his kids too, and it takes two to parent.

Call his rabbi, cry your heart out, and your DH will finally take you seriously. Trust me, this will not be the first time the rabbi has heard a story like this.

finallyamommy

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 9:25 am

I only have one, but here's my advice:

BABYWEARING. Then you don't need to schlep the double stroller, your baby will sleep better during the day, you'll be able to get stuff done. Invest in a good baby carrier, a mei tai or a wrap, so your back can take it.

But don't try to do much yet. I agree with the posters who say you're still a kimpeturin and need to be resting. Nap while the toddler is in playgroup. Do you cosleep? We didn't sleep at all until 2.5 weeks old. That's when I finally put my baby in my bed and she slept for 8 hours straight B"H.

See if you can get a girl to help. Even a 10 year old can chase the toddler and give you a break while you rest in the other room with the baby.

If you're in Israel, specifically in the Jerusalem or Beit Shemesh area, I'm happy to come lend a hand. I can lend you a baby carrier too.

It sounds like you're doing great, but like any post-partum mother you are overwhelmed with trying to do it all alone. When I was postpartum I didn't even want to be left alone in my house for any amount of time. Seriously, take help where you can.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 9:30 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

If I call my rabbi and cry my heart out my dh will magically earn more money? Which normal man chooses to go to work and NOT earn enough to make life easier for his family?

amother

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 9:34 am

Last night was semi functional so I'm feeling a little stronger.
My husband does help in the mornings to get my toddler up and out. He'll rock the baby at night but rocking doesn't soothe her so it's basically useless. I haven't had time to open my new pump so that I can give a bottle at night, I hope to this week. I don't have money to pay a mother's helper every day, looked into it when I wasn't managing in pregnancy. I should be taking better care of myself but I don't know how and I'm too tired to really try.

ETA I have a good quality baby carrier but my baby doesn't love it so I wear it very infrequently. I think when she's a little bigger I'll wear it more often. Nervous to get her used to falling asleep in it and then she won't sleep in her bassinet.

Supermom#1

Tue, Sep 24 2019, 10:26 pm

honeymoon wrote:

lol, I'll share the stones! My newborns slept on their stomaches from day 1....they sleep so much better

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