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Scared I won't be able to stop crying in shul this year
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amother




Plum


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 12:14 pm
OP, I've also had a ridiculously hard year. Both types of depression (situational and regular) the loss of a long time furry family member but I'm a plane ride away, severe anxiety.... And for the first time in my life I'm taking the opportunity NOT to go to shul (though I don't have any kids yet). If I want to daven, I'll open the machzor at home and daven. But with this ringer of a year I am being kind to myself. God knows what He put me through.

On the other hand, there is absolutely nothing wrong with crying in shul. In the shul I used to go to, there were women who would cry from Unetaneh Tokef through the whole chazarat hashtatz. There were women who cried during their personal amidah. There were those who cried during their personal amidah and renewed during Unetaneh Tokef. On Yom Kippur, the same. There were also ladies who cried through the whole neilah.

It is entirely appropriate to cry in shul yamim noraim. And if, as you say, those ladies in shul know you then they should know you've had a hard year. And if they judge you for crying, then there's something wrong with them. Not you.
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b94race




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 12:17 pm
I would say don’t ever feel embarrassed to cry. It’s our body’s natural way of releasing emotions. I remember hearing somewhere that, especially on YK, that if you feel particularly emotional that means that your tefilot were accepted. I had that experience only once in my life and it was such an amazing feeling.
This year is going to be especially emotional for me as well - I’m struggling with the loss of my mother. I always get emotional when we read U’netaneh Tokef but this year it’s already hitting me thinking about how last year it was “written and inscribed” who will love and who will die. I keep thinking about what I could have done differently to maybe change that. So reading that this year will definitely have an impact on me.

Put sunglasses on. Nobody’s taking roll call or keeping track of how long you are in your seat. Tefillah is between you and Hashem, not the people around you. If you are not able to be in shul daven at home. Hashem knows what’s in your heart.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 12:24 pm
I cry in shul. I really feel connected to my tefillos and Hashem when I shed tears. It’s ok. You don’t have to be an old lady to daven with heart and soul (which sometimes produces tears). I would admire you if I saw you crying.
May you be zoche to a year full of yeshuos, so that you will be crying from joy next time.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 3:27 pm
Don’t worry about it.
I just had a good cry at a kever of a tzaddik at the cemetery, and there was a man sitting opposite of the tombstone within earshot.
I don’t really care what anyone thinks when I’m in that moment of emotional pain and exhaustion.
A good cry to Hashem is therapeutic and you don’t even get a bill.
May you and all of us see yeshuos and refuos bekarov.
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amother




Brunette


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 6:25 pm
I'm a crier. I cry softly into my machzor and bring tissues and it's fine - I can't imagine the Yomim Noraim any other way. I think my crying is contagious too! When people see other people crying it gives them "permission" to open their hearts and be more openly emotional. So hopefully you'll help your whole shul to have a better davening iyH, may our tefillos be accepted on High, may we have a gut gebentcht yohr and may we be zoche to greet Moshiach together!
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 6:31 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It's been a really tough year, with a lot of challenges. The past few months have been especially hard and I've been crying a lot. I'm not depressed, I discussed it with my therapist and she agrees that it's situational, not depression. But I'm really nervous that I'll spend most of my time in shul crying. The issues were already starting at this time last year, so I did cry more than I usually do, but it was still within the realm of normal.

I don't want to stay home, because my children and I need the tefillos more than ever, but I'll be really embarrassed if I'm crying uncontrollably most of davening. It's a young shul, so it's not like there are the old ladies crying in the front, I'll really stand out.

Gosh, I feel really petty even writing this. Does anyone out there understand me?


Try to sit in back, but don’t be ashamed, this is between you and Hashem and He values your precious tears, and they will go up along with your tefillos, especially at this time when the gates of heaven are wide open!
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thegiver




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 6:41 pm
Go to a shul where most ppl dont know u
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Jewishfoodie




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 6:46 pm
I understand your pain. But it's so interesting how people have such different fears! My greatest fear is that on Yom Kippur, I won't be able to cry. Sometimes, my heart just gets cold or hard and I can't cry. And I know what a beautiful zechus it is when Hashem collects our tears and answers our Tefilos hopefully. But not being able to cry happened to me a few times and I was so ashamed in my heart. I felt a bit like I didn't believe that Hashem could help me. And that's blasphemy.

Hashem can always help. Hashem cherishes our tears. Be thankful you can cry. It says something so beautiful about you. It says you believe and know you will be heard and helped. I am proud to "know" people like you.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 7:27 pm
Thank you to everyone who responded! You have all given me a lot to think about and a lot of chizzuk. I will try to read this again Erev Yom Tov so that I can remember what you all said here.

I hope next year is a happier, easier year full of simcha, nachas and health for all of us (and a little wealth wouldn't hurt either!)
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 8:39 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you to everyone who responded! You have all given me a lot to think about and a lot of chizzuk. I will try to read this again Erev Yom Tov so that I can remember what you all said here.

I hope next year is a happier, easier year full of simcha, nachas and health for all of us (and a little wealth wouldn't hurt either!)


Amein!
Lshana Tova Umisuka
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amother




Slategray


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 8:54 pm
I am a huger crier. I cry in shul, by levayos, at kevarim... I just have plenty of tissues and I'm pretty good at hiding in my siddur. Oh, and btw, I'm 20 so it looks even more weird for me to be crying.
I do find though, that in some shuls you will feel more stupid than in others. The minyan I daven in is filled with older women who couldn't care less about what you do.
One Rosh Hashana I prayed somewhere else where everyone was just looking at your outfit, makeup, and sheitel. You felt the pressure in the air. It was horrible.
If possible, you may want to daven in a different minyan where you either don't know so many people or where it's more relaxed.
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amother




Red


Post  Tue, Sep 24 2019, 11:21 pm
One thing I actually like about going to shul on R'H and Yom Kippur vs. any other time of the year is that I am not at all embarrassed to cry, even really hard.

What's embarrassing about getting emotional over, well, just the High Holy Days and Days of Judgment?

I'm probably not going to make it to shul this year, but I'm going to bawl my eyes out regardless. It's been a really difficult year, and I hope and pray that the light at the end of the tunnel finally emerges.
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amother




Crimson


Post  Wed, Sep 25 2019, 12:04 am
My mother was diagnosed with cancer erev rosh hashana. Boy did I need a good cry, I wanted to storm the heavens. I switched to a different shul where I didn’t know everyone. I sat myself in a corner and let it flow!! Nothing existed around me. It was me and Hashem.

May He answer all you tefillos. You should have an amazing year
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amother




Orchid


Post  Wed, Sep 25 2019, 1:40 am
I wish I could cry. I've become deadened in this regard and it's sad.
I'm afraid that I'll go to shul and remain dry, inside and out.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Sep 25 2019, 3:01 am
If anyone feels embarrassed, just remember that it's better to cry, than to chatter about mundane things and get "shushed" all the time.

I would much prefer to sit next to someone who is crying, loudly or not, than to someone who is gossiping, feeding their kids nosh, or otherwise not paying attention.
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Elfrida




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Sep 25 2019, 3:52 am
A few years ago a piece of grit or dust or something got into my eye just as tekiyos were beginning. So my eyes started watering. And I was standing there, with tears pouring down my cheeks, rubbing my eye to try to get this thing out, and trying to pay some attention to the shofar at the same time. And then I noticed this little eight year old girl staring at me in awe for being so holy to cry like that at the sound of the shofar.

At first I was just amused at how circumstances had misled her and given her such a wrong impression of me.

Then I thought, maybe she needed the inspiration of seeing someone crying like that during the shofar, and for whatever reason I had been picked for the task. And if that was the case, what a pity that the only way I could give her that inspiration was though a piece of dust, rather than through my own yirat shamayim and connection to the power of tefilla and the shofar.

I haven't made an effort to cry, but since then I have made more of an effort to work on yirat shamayim and the essence of Rosh HaShana - and I've found that tears somehow come by themselves.

Don't be afraid to cry before הקב'ה. And no one else really matters.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Sep 25 2019, 9:20 am
Elfrida wrote:
A few years ago a piece of grit or dust or something got into my eye just as tekiyos were beginning. So my eyes started watering. And I was standing there, with tears pouring down my cheeks, rubbing my eye to try to get this thing out, and trying to pay some attention to the shofar at the same time. And then I noticed this little eight year old girl staring at me in awe for being so holy to cry like that at the sound of the shofar.

At first I was just amused at how circumstances had misled her and given her such a wrong impression of me.

Then I thought, maybe she needed the inspiration of seeing someone crying like that during the shofar, and for whatever reason I had been picked for the task. And if that was the case, what a pity that the only way I could give her that inspiration was though a piece of dust, rather than through my own yirat shamayim and connection to the power of tefilla and the shofar.

I haven't made an effort to cry, but since then I have made more of an effort to work on yirat shamayim and the essence of Rosh HaShana - and I've found that tears somehow come by themselves.

Don't be afraid to cry before הקב'ה. And no one else really matters.


I love your story, and I love that you let it inspire you to make changes.
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