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Struggling



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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 29 2019, 1:00 am
I am a geyores and so is my husband. We are chasidish (I married into chasidish— was originally litvish/yeshivish— and it has NOT been easy adjusting) and while I love my husband to pieces, I can’t stand some things anymore.
I feel like I want to rebel. Like maybe uncover my hair just a little bit (I used to shave but since I hated it, I let it grow with my husband’s approval and support as long as it’s 100% covered.) and listen to the secular music that I used to listen to.
I’ve been really lax about Halacha and I actually used to be really into it before I got married. I wear skirts a bit shorter and thinner tights and I don’t really care if my collarbone shows or not unless if I’m in a really chassidishe area like Williamsburg.
But ever since I’ve had that miscarriage last year October I have been up and down spiritually and now I feel like I’ve sunk to the lowest point.
I really want to save myself spiritually and I don’t want to let go of hashem and his Torah after longing to join klal yisroel.
I just never thought that it would get this far and that I would sink that low.

Please tell me what to do.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Sun, Sep 29 2019, 1:42 am
Hugs, it's hard.
It sounds like you're not struggling with yiddishkeit, you're struggling with the community you have chosen.
This is the perfect time of year for reevaluating.
Wishing you a happy healthy year. May you find inner peace and the best way forward.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Sun, Sep 29 2019, 2:11 am
Now is the right time.

On Rosh Hashana the world accepts Hashem as King anew.

This is your chance to renew your commitment to Hashem, no matter what, as a loyal subject.

May Hashem bentch you with revealed good, so you can easily see His total love for you.
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Mothers




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 29 2019, 2:16 am
Maybe you can learn Halacha and discover which are actual halachos that must be followed, and which are minhagim (that are not even your minhagim) and/or social norms that can be let go. Just because this strain of Judaism doesn’t work for you, doesn’t mean you have to give up on Hashem and Mitzvos.

Sincerely impressed with your strength of character to go through with conversion and join Am Yisrael, and hope that by learning you can recapture some of the idealism and spirituality that motivated you to convert, in the first place.

Wishing you a k’siva v’chasima tova and hope you find sweetness and joy in Judaism in the new year!
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amother
Saddlebrown


 

Post Sun, Sep 29 2019, 3:35 am
It's ups and downs. A good friend of mine has had a few miscarriages in a row and she's feeling similar to you. FFB, doing things she didn't think she would ever do.

It's complicated. Don't push yourself to much, some people don't realize how awful a miscarriage can be. Recognize the toll it as taken on you.

Surround yourself with people who's yiddishkeit you want to emulate. Have good friends who can support you and talk to you about this. Confide in DH. Talk to a rebbetzin. Write down goals you have for the coming year.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Sun, Sep 29 2019, 6:01 am
I’m a giyores in my mid-40s, raising my family OOT chilled yeshivish for almost 20 years now. I think it’s important to still in some ways be who you were before and not try to turn your back on everything. I don’t think BTs and gerim always understand what they’re getting into when they choose a very chasidish or very yeshivish derech. It works for some people but they’re the minority. Often we become close with families that are wonderful and we want to be just like them, only later do we realize that most of their community is not as warm and accepting. If you come from a secular background, it’s healthier to be in a community that doesn’t have a cookie cutter mentality and want everyone to look/act the same. If your DH is open to possibly moving, BTs and gerim do well in Milwaukee (the Twerskis) and in Boston/Brookline (Bostoner chassidus), you would have friends from similar backgrounds to you and would have good guidance in how to integrate who you are with who you were in a healthy and realistic way. Wishing you a gut gebencht yur!
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Sun, Sep 29 2019, 6:15 am
Miscarriages are very hard. I'm so sorry.
What has helped me is to constantly thank Hashem for all the good things in my life. Even the little things. Try to think of all the things that Hashem has bentched you with and constantly remind yourself of it and thank Hashem. It will help with the why did Hashem do this to me. I also recommend to speak to a rebbetzin and surround yourself with growing people. To the extent you have time, try listening to inspirational shiurim. You can even listen on the phone or internet if you can't leave the house. Finally, try to do some chessed. By giving to others who have less than you, you are able to better realize all the good in your life. May Hashem bentch you in the coming with renewed inspiration, a renewed connection, all all good things. Ksiva vchasima tova!
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 29 2019, 7:36 am
I think that groups like A Time have pregnancy loss support services. It might also be that some hospitals have them.
It also seems like you joined a frum community that is extremely hard for someone coming from outside of the community to acclimate to.
ETA: this website probably has the info about pregnancy loss support services.
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