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I'm afraid I didn't do a tshuvah shleima and GD hates me!

 
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 11:16 am
Please don't judge. Thanks. I just stared therapy for a Major addiction I have. I had only two sessions and am no where on my way to recovery just yet. I'm ashamed to mention my addiction but sometimes it's so bad that the only thing that calms me is playing games on my phone. This poses a huge problem on shabbos/Yom tov. I haven't mentioned this to my therapist since Im mortified. I know ITS FAR FROM OK AND FEEL LIKE A [cleaner]. Yet this is the only thing besides self harm that will calm me. So I am mechalel shabbos/ Yom tov many times with my phone. I'm sure Hashem HATES ME. Here I daven to him so fervently yet I'm oiver on such a huge Aveira!! I hate myself and want to just drop yiddishkeit altogether only because of the phone issue!! I'm jealous on the non jews that don't have this restriction. Yesterday in shul I promised not to ever transgress again and then I got triggered and found myself on my phone again... What will be with me? Is there still hope? Will I ever exit gehennim or even merit any schar at all?? Otherwise I'm an ok Jew. I would never ever do any other Melacha on Shabbos or Yom Tov that is not permissable. I'm always trying to do the right thing. Chessed, listening to shiurim and being a good person. I'm so confused... Do I have a Yiddish Neshama or not??? I feel like such a traitor and in so much pain!!! Please tell me I'm still Hashem's child and I can break free from this addiction... I need the chizuk like air. ( That is if I deserve it). Thanks my lovely IMA sisters...
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amother




Cerise


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 11:19 am
To my lovely IMA sister,
Iam sure Hashem loves you. He sees you struggling; hears your pain; reads your thoughts. There's no way He doesn't value that. He is with you in your depths. I hope that with therapy you will be inn a better place very soon. Don't give up!
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miami85




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 11:20 am
You are going through a nisayon right now and we cannot judge you, espescially if you are taking steps to treat your addiction. Chazal say that "sheva y'pol tzadik v'kam"--its not that a tzaddik never stumbles, the important part is the "kam"--he gets up. The only thing I can suggest practically is that is there any other shabbosdik game like solitaire or "rush hour" or something non-electronic that you can involve yourself that can help you get through these tough times. I've played Bananagrams and Blokus by myself when stressed.
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amother




Puce


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 11:28 am
Can you leave the tv on in the basement? Than you can watch something to take your mind off. Or watch a game channal. I’m addicted to YouTube but I’m constantly reading books on Shabbos to take my mind off it. During the week I just mostly listen to shiurim on my phone so I’m trying to work out my addiction. I know I can’t solve it right away. You can leave your phone in your car also. These are just temporary solutions but you need to find what is missing in your life and try to fill the void somehow
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southernbubby




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 11:39 am
Maybe talking in shul or wearing provocative clothing alienates us from Hashem more. Where did you learn that Hashem operates that way? He hates people? I highly doubt it.
It's important for you to get the addiction under control for yourself and your own peace of mind but my understanding is that Hashem loves his people and it is people who create the alienation and distance.
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Learning




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 12:06 pm
southernbubby wrote:
Maybe talking in shul or wearing provocative clothing alienates us from Hashem more. Where did you learn that Hashem operates that way? He hates people? I highly doubt it.
It's important for you to get the addiction under control for yourself and your own peace of mind but my understanding is that Hashem loves his people and it is people who create the alienation and distance.

I agree. Hashem loves all of us. Further more if we try to distance ourselves from him he is still close to us. My understanding is that hashem only hates a person who doesn’t believe in him after he has the knowledge that hashem exists. He only hates a true apikores. If we stumble and fall as many time as we do hashem still loves us.
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blessedflower




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 12:30 pm
Hashem loves you because you are his child. He loves you no matter what. He also understands you like nobody and only he knows how hard this is for you and how much you want to change.
Give it time. Growth doesn't happen in one day. Every day you are a little closer to being healed and to overcome your nisyonos. Don't give up. The growth you will go through will be much more worthy in the eyes of hashem then my keeping shabbes always without it being a nisoyon.
I will tell you what I said to my dh that overcame his addiction and is this month 2 years clean: I told him I'm jealous of the zchus he has, of how much he grew. I wish I could overcome my simple everyday nisyonos the way he did with his much bigger nisyonos.

I wish you much luck. You are strong and ijh with the right help you will overcome this

Eta: it took my dh many years till he found the right help but he never have up and in the end he did find what helped him heal.

Also I don't know if this will make you feel better but I'll share a nice vort with you.
Our generation is not on such a high spiritual level. But the yetser hora that is here, the nisayon to do bad stuff is so strong that every minute that we don't fall is a mitzvah. A person like you that has a huge nisayon, just not doing anything bad is a huge mitzvah. You are walking around and doing a mitzvah just breathing. Yes you also do aveiros but with time it will become less and less and the mitzvos more and more
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 7:14 pm
Thank you all so much for givinge encouragement, it means the world to me. Anyone else struggled with addiction like me? Just to clarify, I'm not into filth at all. It's just a silly calming game and some social media. I'm not making it right, I'm just explaining...
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amother




Slateblue


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 7:23 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you all so much for givinge encouragement, it means the world to me. Anyone else struggled with addiction like me? Just to clarify, I'm not into filth at all. It's just a silly calming game and some social media. I'm not making it right, I'm just explaining...


I am not addicted to anything (besides for my phone) but I have an anxiety disorder and PTSD, and so I literally cannot survive shabbos without using my phone, most weeks. I need the escape from my thoughts and feelings. Books just don’t do the trick, sometimes, although this Rosh Hashanah Harry Potter BH did.

It makes me feel so awful, especially because everyone using keeping shabbos as a way of determining who is frum. I feel like an imposter, a weakling, and a fraud. It sucks. And I feel like God hates me for it because shabbos is so important and central in Judaism.

No advice. Just empathy.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 7:45 pm
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:
I am not addicted to anything (besides for my phone) but I have an anxiety disorder and PTSD, and so I literally cannot survive shabbos without using my phone, most weeks. I need the escape from my thoughts and feelings. Books just don’t do the trick, sometimes, although this Rosh Hashanah Harry Potter BH did.

It makes me feel so awful, especially because everyone using keeping shabbos as a way of determining who is frum. I feel like an imposter, a weakling, and a fraud. It sucks. And I feel like God hates me for it because shabbos is so important and central in Judaism.

No advice. Just empathy.


Hugs to you for being in this horrible situation. You literally took the words out of my mouth when you said THAT BOOKS DON'T DO THE JOB FOR YOU. I hate reading and can't concentrate. I haven't been like this prior to the major trauma that preceded my addiction... While I'm not planning on being ok with using my phone on Shabbos I feel understood and this makes me feel a whole lot better.

I have this fear, I don't know if it's irrational or not, that Hashem will inflict death to someone in my family or myself for not keeping shabbos 100%, yet I feel powerless to stop... I'm such a tangled mess...
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relish




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 7:48 pm
Please speak to a competent (in the area of mental health) rav about this, there are specific heterim in specific situations, and with a small change, you may not even be considered breaking Shabbos. situations like yours have been figured out, within the framework of Halacha, in the past. You are not the first person to go through this.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 7:51 pm
relish wrote:
Please speak to a competent (in the area of mental health) rav about this, there are specific heterim in specific situations, and with a small change, you may not even be considered breaking Shabbos. situations like yours have been figured out, within the framework of Halacha, in the past. You are not the first person to go through this.


Any idea of who would be the proper rav to guide me here??? I'm ultra chassidish and I think any Rabbi would shun and blame me and add salt to my wounds.
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relish




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 8:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Any idea of who would be the proper rav to guide me here??? I'm ultra chassidish and I think any Rabbi would shun and blame me and add salt to my wounds.

Rabbi Zecharia wallerstein is a great person to reach out to. He has experience with people who need special guidance. Even if he can’t help you himself. He’s a great person to speak to.
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urban gypsy




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 8:19 pm
OP you beautiful human! I am so sorry for the hard times you are going through! I just want to wrap you up in a giant hug and tell you everything is going to be okay! Please be gentle with yourself, you’ve JUST started therapy (two sessions only!) and you have s long way still to go! I hope you have a good therapist who will explain to you that the root of your pain is BLACK AND WHITE thinking (a common outgrowth of religious education) which can cause a ton of trauma and anxiety. Please know that HASHEM LOVES YOU ALWAYS and you are NOT defined by your mistakes and struggles! You are going through a temporary phase and you WILL come out the other side keeping Shabbos fully with out the struggle with your phone. I have faith in you!!!! You are so brave!!!!! There is NOTHING you can do to take away your Yiddishe neshama or lessen Hashem’s love for you. He is not upset, He feels terrible for your pain! Focus on your therapy and learn coping mechanisms and self care! Things will get better soon!
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 8:32 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Please don't judge. Thanks. I just stared therapy for a Major addiction I have. I had only two sessions and am no where on my way to recovery just yet. I'm ashamed to mention my addiction but sometimes it's so bad that the only thing that calms me is playing games on my phone. This poses a huge problem on shabbos/Yom tov. I haven't mentioned this to my therapist since Im mortified. I know ITS FAR FROM OK AND FEEL LIKE A [cleaner]. Yet this is the only thing besides self harm that will calm me. So I am mechalel shabbos/ Yom tov many times with my phone. I'm sure Hashem HATES ME. Here I daven to him so fervently yet I'm oiver on such a huge Aveira!! I hate myself and want to just drop yiddishkeit altogether only because of the phone issue!! I'm jealous on the non jews that don't have this restriction. Yesterday in shul I promised not to ever transgress again and then I got triggered and found myself on my phone again... What will be with me? Is there still hope? Will I ever exit gehennim or even merit any schar at all?? Otherwise I'm an ok Jew. I would never ever do any other Melacha on Shabbos or Yom Tov that is not permissable. I'm always trying to do the right thing. Chessed, listening to shiurim and being a good person. I'm so confused... Do I have a Yiddish Neshama or not??? I feel like such a traitor and in so much pain!!! Please tell me I'm still Hashem's child and I can break free from this addiction... I need the chizuk like air. ( That is if I deserve it). Thanks my lovely IMA sisters...


Addiction makes people not responsible for their behavior. Hashem knows that, He created you with this challenge! Your regret and attempts to do teshuva, each time, are invaluable to Hashem. Are you in any addiction support group? You are not alone and not the only one who is struggling with keeping the mitzvos due to their addictions. Please get help and don’t be down on yourself.
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Learning




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 8:36 pm
Rabbi twerski. The father not the sons. He deals with addiction and is well known for that and he also wrote books on the subject

Last edited by Learning on Wed, Oct 02 2019, 9:50 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 8:51 pm
urban gypsy wrote:
OP you beautiful human! I am so sorry for the hard times you are going through! I just want to wrap you up in a giant hug and tell you everything is going to be okay! Please be gentle with yourself, you’ve JUST started therapy (two sessions only!) and you have s long way still to go! I hope you have a good therapist who will explain to you that the root of your pain is BLACK AND WHITE thinking (a common outgrowth of religious education) which can cause a ton of trauma and anxiety. Please know that HASHEM LOVES YOU ALWAYS and you are NOT defined by your mistakes and struggles! You are going through a temporary phase and you WILL come out the other side keeping Shabbos fully with out the struggle with your phone. I have faith in you!!!! You are so brave!!!!! There is NOTHING you can do to take away your Yiddishe neshama or lessen Hashem’s love for you. He is not upset, He feels terrible for your pain! Focus on your therapy and learn coping mechanisms and self care! Things will get better soon!


What a beautiful response - I'm moved to tears. You are giving me hope and acceptance and this will give me the courage to really persue my recovery in earnest. I appreciate the heart you put into your post... Your love and empathy is spilling forth and for this I will forever be grateful!
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urban gypsy




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 8:57 pm
OP a cool thing you will discover is that more you will allow yourself to be human instead of perfect, the more people will love you!!! I just felt overwhelmed with love reading your post, you sound like a brave kind a spiritual person. Don’t give up! Feel free to PM me anytime and come back to update us if you feel up to it.
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amother




Puce


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 11:42 am
I think you should do whatever you can to avoid chilul Shabbos. I don’t want to sound harsh but there are ways do be distracted without being mechalel shabbos. I have a very hard time on Shabbos. Sometimes I take Xanax sometimes I drunk a little wine. When the kids aren’t around I leave a YouTube or Netflix on on a long loop that won’t shut down. I go on a walk. Anything but not to deliberately be mechalel Shabbos. If you make the effort even a bit less using the phone each Shabbos I think hashem will give you a huge zchus in shamyim. Hashem loves you because you are trying to listen to his tora. This is the only thing that hashem cares about. The rest just make an effort to not be mechalel Shabbos
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