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Discipline without a fight

 
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 4:36 pm
Need Some ideas for disciplining 9 year old difficult child. He thrives on the energy of control so something that is not a battle works better. Natural consequences etc... He is also sensitive so fine balance.

Issue number one-I told him he can't play on the tablet when friends are here. He didn't listen.

Issue number two- what do I do when he hurts his younger sibling. Sending him to his room is asking for a fight.

Issue number three- what do I do when he doesn't want to brush his teeth
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amother




Blue


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 4:44 pm
Lots of ignoration!

As far as playing with tablet without permission, just take it away nonchalantly & ignore any tantrums.

If he starts a fight just ignore. As hard as it may be, it takes 2 to tangle. If he sees you keeping it cool he'll eventually stop.

Tell him if he ignores his teeth they'll go away
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oneofakind




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 6:04 pm
For the teeth, let him choose brush and paste and make a chart to earn a good prize. You are in charge of iPad. Only give it on rare occasions.
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amother




Ivory


Post  Wed, Oct 02 2019, 6:12 pm
Ideas can be:

Friends must leave is the natural consequence.

Hurting his brother, well, lots of questionable choices for this. But I have found now you are not allowed to play with him at all for the rest of the day and keep them in separate rooms or floors if you're in a house.

Make teeth brushing time fun. Make something fun happen after brushing time, like a story after, not as a bribe but as a required order of events.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 5:35 am
Trying to seperate them is very overt control.

I like ignoring. It definitely works for some things.

Next question-he refuses to eat unless I let him play a game on my phone or give him a treat bec of his fear of bugs...

He doesnt get himself dressed or in pjs etc..unless I do a ton of nagging.
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amother




Yellow


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 5:36 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Trying to seperate them is very overt control.

I like ignoring. It definitely works for some things.

Next question-he refuses to eat unless I let him play a game on my phone or give him a treat bec of his fear of bugs...

He doesnt get himself dressed or in pjs etc..unless I do a ton of nagging.


Fear of bugs? Does he have anxiety? That would explain a lot of his rigidity.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:06 am
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
Fear of bugs? Does he have anxiety? That would explain a lot of his rigidity.


Not looking for a diagnoses. I know his issues. Its not so cut and dry. Looking for discipline help that is not in the face combative.
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amother




Yellow


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:26 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Not looking for a diagnoses. I know his issues. Its not so cut and dry. Looking for discipline help that is not in the face combative.


Well it's pretty important to understand where he's coming from when thinking of an appropriate response. I don't see how it's a discipline issue if he is in fact anxious.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:32 am
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
Well it's pretty important to understand where he's coming from when thinking of an appropriate response. I don't see how it's a discipline issue if he is in fact anxious.


Because when he gets a treat he is all of a sudden able to eat. Its a mix but he uses it to get what he wants.
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mha3484




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:34 am
I have two difficult children and I use the method from the book the explosive child. Its the best method for working with difficult children. You can find out more at www.livesinthebalance.org
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:35 am
mha3484 wrote:
I have two difficult children and I use the method from the book the explosive child. Its the best method for working with difficult children. You can find out more at www.livesinthebalance.org


Yups. Read it. Very helpful. Doesnt answer these questions. Or does it.
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relish




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:36 am
Carve out some alone time with him, and do something together that interests him.

Then choose 1 item from your list, and ask him the question that you asked us.
“Moishe, I love you so much, and I see that you are so successful {fill in the blanks}. I want you to know how proud I am of you.

In fact, I see how mature you’ve gotten, that I feel you are big enough to help me help you. So, here is our dilemma.
{insert issue here}.

Can you brainstorm with me for ideas of how to make this better? I can see that you want {insert his point of view here}, and I want {insert your point of view here}.

I’m going to write down all of our ideas of how to make this work, and then once all ideas are written down, we will go through them 1 by 1, to see which one is the best option. We don’t have to come up with something today. This is just the beginning.

Before we begin, is there anything I missed?

Ok great, so what ideas do you have?”

Obviously, one or a few of the ideas will be to remain status quo, or even worse. That’s okay. Just write them down. You also write down all of your ideas. As extreme as you want to go. Keep going until you both feel like everything is down on the table.

Then go through the list and cross off the ones that are for sure a no. Have him cross of the ones that he feels are for sure a no.
If you are left with a few options, you have what to discuss.
If you are left with no options, then give him a timeframe to come up with a new proposal.
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mha3484




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:47 am
It does! Take each issue you told us and one at a time talk to him about it.

Moishy I noticed when your friend comes over you want to be on the tablet can you tell me more about it. Then really listen and try and understand where he is coming from. Ask him for suggestions. Suggest your own ideas and you can come to a solution that works for everyone. You can do with with all the issues you described.

A lot of what you described sounds like a very anxious child. Use a lot of empathy and tell yourself if hes giving you a hard time he is having an even harder time himself. With my kids that is true 10000% of the time.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 7:52 am
I have tried this multiple times with him and he didn't engage at all. He gets up and walks off. Not angrily just not engaged. Can try it again.
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relish




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 8:23 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have tried this multiple times with him and he didn't engage at all. He gets up and walks off. Not angrily just not engaged. Can try it again.

Say he walks off, and you decide on the outcome. He wasn’t an active participant at the meeting, so he didn’t get his voice heard.

When he complains, you can ask him when is good for him to discuss the issue, and keep whatever outcome you had chosen until the next meeting. This way, he sees that it’s to his own benefit to speak up.
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rofa




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 8:25 am
Conscious Discipline methods are centered around this specific idea.

I enjoyed the book "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" immensely
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 3:02 pm
Relish, I just love your posts! You must be an amazing mother.

OP, read "Playful Solutions to Serious Problems". It goes a lot deeper into what Relish just posted. A friend of mine loaned to to me, and I can't put it down. I baby sit her 3 year old, who can be explosive at times, and these techniques work extremely well.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 3:09 pm
Thank you all! I had a discussion with him about the eating. We agreed that every time he eats we fill up a jar a little bit and when it is full he gets a toy he has been wanting to get.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 4:24 pm
Next project is getting him to do his night time routine (pjs, brush teeth) I gave him a list and boxes to check when done and he needs to come to me when it is all done. I told him the later it is done means less reading time and talking time.
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