Home

Sil keeps inviting us
Previous  1, 2
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




Tangerine
 

Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 9:14 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am rigid but I am working on myself. but at the end of the day, I am who I am and she is who she is. Doesn't mean I have to extend myself to this extent. When we go to a restaurant together, her kids are screaming, shouting and running around the place, making a scene and an obscene mess. It's embarrassing and I do not want my kids to be a part of it. But guess what? My kids join in the fun. (When we go out to eat on our own, I make it short and sweet so that the kids can sit and eat- then we leave. I do not stand for such behavior.) but I do it anyway once in a while. At least after two hours it's over.

Re winter: so I should decline for an entire half a year- that's not rigid? I should only accept from November - April?

Re inviting them here: no, sorry, I will take care of my own sanity and will not allow my house to be destroyed. They do not listen to house rules. I have stayed the rules nicely many times but they do not listen. I don't want to be a policeman all weekend.

I am doing my part by meeting up during the week + the occasional shabbs. I do not believe any more is needed on my end.

.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 9:15 am
amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:
You dont have to go often but I do think you're very rigid . So one shabbos your kids will be wild , the baby wont sleep. Big deal. Why cant you explain to your kids that we dont go swimming on shabbos and we dont watch tv? Entertain your kids in your room while the others are watching tv. There are ways around all of this you're just not interested in going at all . So dont go. You can tell your sil that you dont feel comfortable eating out on yuntif . There are ways around all the excuses that you gave
.


Did you miss the part about how I do go 2-3 times a year?

And please explain how you will get a 5 or 6 year old to agree to miss out on the fun while his and her cousins are having a grand time. Please also explain what to answer when they ask, "why can they go, but we can't?"

Which is a question that comes up often, and we deal with it. But they will ask me this directly in front of their cousins aunt and uncle, putting me in an uncomfortable position that can be avoided.
Back to top

amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 9:16 am
You are entitled to wana be in your own home for shabbos just because! Whether or not SIL approves of it... Why put yourself in an uncomfortable position just because she wants to invite you?! Do what works for YOU! Closed subject!
Back to top

amother




White
 

Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 9:20 am
OP - you have no reason to feel bad declining the invitations considering the circumstances. Extended family is important, but not if it is detrimental to the chinuch of your children. I would keep accepting 2-3 invites a year at most for a regular Shabbos, preferably a short one in the winter, and see if you can find other times to get together so that the cousins can play together, like a joint chol homoed trip to a park (neutral territory without the mess!). Maybe if you initiate such weekday gatherings, your SIL will get the message that you do want to have a relationship but it just doesn't work for you to come for Shabbos or Yom Tov. If she doesn't get it, just keep declining.
Back to top

amother




Lavender
 

Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 10:26 am
2-3 times per year seems plenty sufficient if you ask me. I'm pretty sure most people with a few kids don't go away that much for random Shabbosim. We certainly don't, even to perfectly comfortable places. The hassle of packing up, schlepping out, etc is not really worth it. I say keep doing what you're doing, keep it to 2-3 times a year and say it's a big hassle to go away for Shabbos, you can do it a little bit but just can't make it a frequent thing.
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 10:51 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Did you miss the part about how I do go 2-3 times a year?

And please explain how you will get a 5 or 6 year old to agree to miss out on the fun while his and her cousins are having a grand time. Please also explain what to answer when they ask, "why can they go, but we can't?"

Which is a question that comes up often, and we deal with it. But they will ask me this directly in front of their cousins aunt and uncle, putting me in an uncomfortable position that can be avoided.


OP, you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time. (That includes your SIL and also posters here on imamother who disagree with you.)

Personally, I have a very similar strategy with relatives of mine who are not easy hosts/guests. I limit the amount of house-visits (my home or theirs) to an amount per year that I can handle personally, and also, that does not have a huge effect on the chinuch that DH and I feel important to impart to our kids. A two-day Y"T would fall into the category of being too long to try to maintain our personal chinuch values in someone else's home that is so different from ours. An occasional shabbos or a day visit is more like it.

I have various relatives that I invite for Shabbos once a year, spend a Chol Hamoed trip with them (excellent way to have fun with cousins without it being in either family's home, and pick a place that works for EVERYONE), visit on a day off from work or school, etc....you don't have to spend Y"T together to maintain strong family ties.

I'm with you all the way. Just say you prefer to spend Y"T at home and you prefer it quiet, etc...and find other times that work better to get the families together.
Back to top

STMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 1:29 pm
OP I agree, you're doing an amazing job getting together with your SIL and her family as often as you do and maintaining your normal standards.

I relate to your issue very much, except by me it was soooo hard because it was my own parents! They couldn't appreciate how difficult it is to have to pack up the kids, deal with kids who slept poorly at their house, sitting at the table listening to inappropriate conversations for their age about current events topics ("Mommy, what does zexual harassment mean?") and even cursing. My parents would guilt me terribly if I ever had the nerve to decline, with my mom sniffing that you're supposed to make sacrifices to get together with family.

So you have only love and support from me on this one!
Back to top

amother




Lemon
 

Post  Thu, Oct 03 2019, 2:42 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My dh has a very small family. My sister in law keeps inviting us for shabbos and yom tov but I really don't enjoy going for many reasons, and I am unable to host her family. We do go for shabbos a few times a year, and we
see them on weekdays as well. But two day yom tov, or even more frequent shabbosim, would not be enjoyable for me, or for my dh.
But she doesn't get the hint, and keeps asking us to come...
I always make excuses but I wish I wasn't constantly put in this position. Honestly, I avoid calling her because I know she's going to invite us for that shabbos/upcoming yom tov, and I'll be put on the spot to come up with an excuse...
wwyd?


as per feeling on the spot, what about something like "Oh, that sounds like a nice idea, lemme see if it works with dh" and then just continue with conversation.
Back to top
Previous  1, 2 Recent Topics

Page 2 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
My MIL and SIL always want to spend time with DH without me
by amother
20 Sat, Jan 11 2020, 7:25 pm View last post
Not inviting chosson sibilings to shabbos sheva brachos
by amother
68 Fri, Jan 10 2020, 5:09 pm View last post
2 year old almost 3 keeps waking up!
by amother
3 Sun, Dec 22 2019, 9:26 pm View last post
Gift for new sil, dont know her well yet!
by amother
12 Wed, Dec 18 2019, 9:44 pm View last post
Keeps falling
by Tzutzie
19 Tue, Dec 17 2019, 11:33 am View last post

Jump to: