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Inviting Divorced Women
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 4:26 am
Nobody owes anyone an invite, and I don't expect the community to host me for every meal just because my marriage failed.

That having been said, I'd rather not be invited at all, than invited as you are walking out the dot after kiddush, with your six guests that were good enough to invite earlier in the week. Nobody wants to know that they're on the"B list."
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Elfrida




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 5:05 am
I agree that that kind of invitation can be degrading. But bear in mind that those guests may not be an 'A list'. They could be the people who phoned during the week to ask if they could come for a Shabbos meal. Which can also be awkward. (And make a newly divorced woman feel like she has gone back to being a seminary girl.)

Sometimes it's hard to find the best way to approach Shabbos invitations.
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Raisin




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 5:07 am
What I do, if I see someone is shul I want to invite, is I invite them for a future week. There are some people I know who appreciate last minute invites and they know anyway they are usually welcome.
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andrea levy




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 6:48 am
Really? I’m so disorganized that aside from my parents that’s mostly how my invites work. For everyone.
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amother




Rose


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 6:58 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Nobody owes anyone an invite, and I don't expect the community to host me for every meal just because my marriage failed.

That having been said, I'd rather not be invited at all, than invited as you are walking out the dot after kiddush, with your six guests that were good enough to invite earlier in the week. Nobody wants to know that they're on the"B list."

Yes I agree with this exactly. It was very humiliating.
And what shall I do with the food-for-one heating up at home anyway?
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amother




Blonde


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 7:27 am
Obviously it hasn't occurred to the hostess how it makes the prospective guest feel. So it's good op that you are speaking up, now posters who have done this in the past can be more thoughtful.
Years ago, a single woman in my community sent in a PSA about this very issue into the local community advertiser. I would never have had the guts had I been in her shoes but good for her if she felt it warranted.
Nothing wrong with people learning to see how their well meaning actions are actually perceived so they can change.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 7:37 am
My mother was divorced for 20 years and is now unfortunately single again because her husband passed away. She usually calls her friends and acquaintances to see if she could join them. Most people are more than glad to. Of course there are some people that invite her as well. For the most part, she took the initiative to invite herself out.
Many people have so much on their mind, they are not thinking of who may need a place to eat. When they bump into them, that’s when they can focus on that person. But I do agree it doesn’t feel good to be the “B” on the list.
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amother




Blonde


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 8:22 am
Like I said before, nothing wrong with bringing awareness to this issue. Nobody is accusing these hosts of being malicious, obviously it's just thoughtlessness or not being aware. But now that the readers of this post know, they can make more of an effort in this area.
People often don't know the ripple effects of certain actions until they are made aware. But once they do, stop making excuses. Just accept it and try to change instead of arguing with OP who clearly has had uncomfortable experiences with this.
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simcha2




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 8:22 am
This isn't how I invite divorced people, it's how I invite everybody.
We have guests most weeks. There are frequently spur of the moment invites, at the supermarket on Thursday after bumping into them at the checkout lane, in the bakery on Friday over challah rolls, on the phone Wednesday because they called to discuss a project we're working on, and yes, often at shul in the kiddush. Singles, couples, whole families. All of these invitations are sincere and 'A' list.

No one is an afterthought, they are my thought. But with a million things flying in my life, the thought comes when I see you.

As to what to do with the food on shabbat. People run home to take it off, or they bring it to share.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 8:24 am
What bothers me most, is when women won't invite divorcees, because they fear for their husbands and bochurim.

Ugh! If the men in your family are that easily to tempt, I pity you.
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amother




Blonde


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 8:27 am
Well now you know that people in a vulnerable situation, even if you perceive them to be on your a list, may not feel that way.
And why would you invite a whole family at shul who presumably has a big meal ready to eat for that day? How did you know to prepare 6 extra portions or whatever? Would you abandon your crockpot full of cholent to throw out after shabbos because someone invited you 30 minutes before lunch?
If no, why do you think someone else would?
ETA inviting on Wednesday night isn't last minute. But shabbos day certainly is.
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amother




Babypink


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 8:40 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
What bothers me most, is when women won't invite divorcees, because they fear for their husbands and bochurim.

Ugh! If the men in your family are that easily to tempt, I pity you.

What bothers me is that people assume men are sooo easy to tempt, like every man is walking around looking for someone to cheat with/ sleep with. Thank you, no, I don't need to wear a face full of makeup and the ugliest but newest fashions so that my husband won't look at other women. I don't need to say yes when my husband wants to be intimate but I feel sick and hurt all over, because otherwise he'll find someone else. He's a responsible adult and he is in control of himself and those claims are just downright stupid and incredibly insulting to his integrity. (But there are ways to refuse that hurt and ways to refuse that still give the emotional attention and love he's seeking.)

Cheating - whether it's the woman who cheats or the man who cheats - doesn't happen because the individual saw someone good-looking and funny/ nice. It starts because there are problems at home. There is a lack that is not being filled and often not even noticed. So when someone else offers to fill the lack that the spouse is ignoring or doesn't care to fill or doesn't have time to fill - then it's easy to get sucked into something that gets out of hand very fast.

If you are there for each other emotionally, you have nothing to worry about. If you're not there for each other emotionally, then you're in trouble regardless of who you invite, and you have no one to blame but yourselves - both of yourselves.
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simcha2




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 8:41 am
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
Well now you know that people in a vulnerable situation, even if you perceive them to be on your a list, may not feel that way.
And why would you invite a whole family at shul who presumably has a big meal ready to eat for that day? How did you know to prepare 6 extra portions or whatever? Would you abandon your crockpot full of cholent to throw out after shabbos because someone invited you 30 minutes before lunch?
If no, why do you think someone else would?
ETA inviting on Wednesday night isn't last minute. But shabbos day certainly is.


I always have food for a crowd. My kids are always bringing home friends from shul on shabbat so I always cook knowing that I'll likely have many extra teens and tweens.

And yes, of course I'd abandon my chulent (or more likely wrap it in towels and bring it). Shabbat lunch is about the company far more than the food.

ETA we eat leftovers in the week. So if I end up not being home, the food's not wasted, just postponed to Sunday and Monday night.
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 8:45 am
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
Yes I agree with this exactly. It was very humiliating.
And what shall I do with the food-for-one heating up at home anyway?


When I was divorced, one family would often cross paths with me while walking home from shul and then ask me if I had a place to go. Not "would you like to join us". I always said yes, I have a place to go (my own house thankyouverymuch). Finally I told the wife, "I would hope so, or I'd be in trouble, wouldn't I". This was by the way the local Chabad family who should have known better. They not once called me up to actually invite me. And this was in a very small town.
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urban gypsy




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 9:04 am
watergirl wrote:
When I was divorced, one family would often cross paths with me while walking home from shul and then ask me if I had a place to go. Not "would you like to join us". I always said yes, I have a place to go (my own house thankyouverymuch). Finally I told the wife, "I would hope so, or I'd be in trouble, wouldn't I". This was by the way the local Chabad family who should have known better. They not once called me up to actually invite me. And this was in a very small town.


This is beyond horrible and awkward! I feel physically pained just reading that TMI
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amother




Babypink


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 9:06 am
watergirl wrote:
When I was divorced, one family would often cross paths with me while walking home from shul and then ask me if I had a place to go. Not "would you like to join us". I always said yes, I have a place to go (my own house thankyouverymuch). Finally I told the wife, "I would hope so, or I'd be in trouble, wouldn't I". This was by the way the local Chabad family who should have known better. They not once called me up to actually invite me. And this was in a very small town.

For some people that's how they ask. "Do you have a place to go?" and if they hear hesitation they say "would you like to come to us?" Not sure why but that's just how they are comfortable asking, I guess. Like they don't want to be pushy by inviting you if you don't want so they as this way.
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 9:10 am
amother [ Babypink ] wrote:
For some people that's how they ask. "Do you have a place to go?" and if they hear hesitation they say "would you like to come to us?" Not sure why but that's just how they are comfortable asking, I guess. Like they don't want to be pushy by inviting you if you don't want so they as this way.

Well, its rude. And finally I let them know. Just because people have their way of saying something does not make it right. We all have to keep in mind at all times how talk to others.
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amother




Blonde


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 9:11 am
I don't understand why people can't just accept hearing the POV from posters who have BTDT. There are enough chiming in. Great for you if you don't mind last minute invitations or eating 2 day old cholent later in the week. Obviously there are plenty who do. Why are you so stuck and unable to hear what they are trying to tell you?
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 9:30 am
watergirl wrote:
When I was divorced, one family would often cross paths with me while walking home from shul and then ask me if I had a place to go. Not "would you like to join us". I always said yes, I have a place to go (my own house thankyouverymuch). Finally I told the wife, "I would hope so, or I'd be in trouble, wouldn't I". This was by the way the local Chabad family who should have known better. They not once called me up to actually invite me. And this was in a very small town.


Exactly. "Do you need a place" means they don't think you are capable of making your own hamotzei. "Would you like to join us" is an actual invitation.

I would have posted on Facebook, but as you know I am never on it to post anything. 😊
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 9:34 am
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
I don't understand why people can't just accept hearing the POV from posters who have BTDT. There are enough chiming in. Great for you if you don't mind last minute invitations or eating 2 day old cholent later in the week. Obviously there are plenty who do. Why are you so stuck and unable to hear what they are trying to tell you?


Because people don't like admitting that they may be wrong.

I'm too polite to say this to anyone in real life, so I'm sharing it here as an FYI to those who care enough to know that inviting on Wednesday can spare someone hurt feelings.

What people do with that knowledge is on them.

Thank you to everyone who got it.
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