Home

Inviting Divorced Women
Previous  1, 2
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Guests


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




Teal
 

Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 9:35 am
I don't see how anyone accepts these last minute invitations. Let's say you have chicken you have cooked on Friday, and now has been reheating on the blech for 2 hours. You would go home, put that in the fridge then reheat it again and eat it on Sunday?

I am not a picky person and I eat food for a lot longer than others on this site (including chicken soup made on Sunday, cooled and stored in the back of the refrigerator and then heated up Friday night). But the chicken on the blech wasn't brought back up to boiling, it was just brought back up to bacteria-growing temperature. Why would that be okay to reheat again?

Other than when my own family refuse my offers of food, I bring food to people, but not chicken off the plata that there is not enough to share with others.
Back to top

amother




Babypink
 

Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 10:08 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Because people don't like admitting that they may be wrong.

I'm too polite to say this to anyone in real life, so I'm sharing it here as an FYI to those who care enough to know that inviting on Wednesday can spare someone hurt feelings.

What people do with that knowledge is on them.

Thank you to everyone who got it.

I haven't done the "do you need a place" but it's been done to us. We say "do you want to come for Shabbat chol hamoed?"
Just pointing out that for some people that is how they ask. Not justifying my own actions or claiming I'm not wrong....I don't ask that way in the first place...
Back to top

simcha2




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 11:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Because people don't like admitting that they may be wrong.

I'm too polite to say this to anyone in real life, so I'm sharing it here as an FYI to those who care enough to know that inviting on Wednesday can spare someone hurt feelings.

What people do with that knowledge is on them.

Thank you to everyone who got it.


I'm happy to admit I may be wrong. I frequently am. But maybe you can hear my disorganization as just that, and not a personal insult.

If you heard me invite a family in kiddush, and then didn't invite you, because I don't want to offend someone who is vulnerable, would that be better?

Presumably there are multiple people in shul not inviting anyone either on Tuesday or on shabbat. To be upset at the person that does invite seems tough.

And, I do try to make all invitees feel welcome and warm (not "do you have a place" but "would you like to join us, we'd love to hang out with you").
Back to top

amother




Blonde
 

Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 11:51 am
If you want people to be sensitive and understanding of your vulnerabilities (I.e. being disorganized) then extend the same courtesy to others who are in an obviously vulnerable situation instead of blaming them for being overly sensitive.
Back to top

simcha2




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 11:59 am
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
If you want people to be sensitive and understanding of your vulnerabilities (I.e. being disorganized) then extend the same courtesy to others who are in an obviously vulnerable situation instead of blaming them for being overly sensitive.


I'm not blaming. Feelings are feelings. But you can choose to assume the best of others. I'm choosing to assume that op doesn't realize that she is not an afterthought, but a valued guest. That she is not giving me the stinkeye for inviting her the same way I invite everyone.

(I don't see my disorganization as a vulnerability, it's the side product of having a huge amount of things going on, including a child with a life threatening illness. But, having guests is something we, as a family, love - and people seem to really enjoy being at our table - and right now, this is the only way to make it happen. I don't have any headspace (or time) for extra calls, and I'm sorry about that, but if I see you in the supermarket or kiddush I'd love to invite you).
Back to top

amother




Blonde
 

Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 12:13 pm
No point in trying to explain if you don't want to hear. But telling someone already vulnerable they are "choosing" to view a last minute invitation as insulting is not very nice. That's all I will say on the topic since you are choosing not to acknowledge others' valid experiences in this.
Back to top

watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 12:23 pm
simcha2 wrote:
I'm not blaming. Feelings are feelings. But you can choose to assume the best of others. I'm choosing to assume that op doesn't realize that she is not an afterthought, but a valued guest. That she is not giving me the stinkeye for inviting her the same way I invite everyone.

(I don't see my disorganization as a vulnerability, it's the side product of having a huge amount of things going on, including a child with a life threatening illness. But, having guests is something we, as a family, love - and people seem to really enjoy being at our table - and right now, this is the only way to make it happen. I don't have any headspace (or time) for extra calls, and I'm sorry about that, but if I see you in the supermarket or kiddush I'd love to invite you).


The fact of the matter is, which is what OP and others are trying to say is this - divorced women ARE often a b-list, last minute, pity invite. We know it. Its true. It may not be true in YOUR book or thoughts, but for many people, it is. Even more so if they have kids. Divorced men dont have this issue. Divorced men with kids even more so dont have this issue. People think they have to take care of them. Single mothers? Yeah, we are a second thought. People see us walking out of shul with a kid or two or four in tow and the guilt hits. So while YOU may not be one of these people, its very much a thing. And if you are not one of these people, then I suppose this thread is not directed at you. I wish your child a complete and speedy refuah! Seeing as it is in fact so difficult (understandably) for you to call up someone on a Tuesday, maybe moving forward you can try every now and then to make the effort to call up a divorced women and formally invite her. She will feel so touched and cared for, its a huge thing.
Back to top

simcha2




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Oct 04 2019, 1:36 pm
watergirl wrote:
The fact of the matter is, which is what OP and others are trying to say is this - divorced women ARE often a b-list, last minute, pity invite. We know it. Its true. It may not be true in YOUR book or thoughts, but for many people, it is. Even more so if they have kids. Divorced men dont have this issue. Divorced men with kids even more so dont have this issue. People think they have to take care of them. Single mothers? Yeah, we are a second thought. People see us walking out of shul with a kid or two or four in tow and the guilt hits. So while YOU may not be one of these people, its very much a thing. And if you are not one of these people, then I suppose this thread is not directed at you. I wish your child a complete and speedy refuah! Seeing as it is in fact so difficult (understandably) for you to call up someone on a Tuesday, maybe moving forward you can try every now and then to make the effort to call up a divorced women and formally invite her. She will feel so touched and cared for, its a huge thing.


Maybe I am oblivious. But it would never occur to me to think of anyone, and certainly not a divorced woman as b list. (It's like when they're are posts and people describe others as nebby, it is so far outside my experience for grown ups to think in those terms). Everyone is welcome at our table, married, kids, not yet married, divorced.

I didn't mean to offend anyone by asking that they hear an invitation with the kindness it is meant. (I'm a big fan of rabbi pliskin's "reframe" model and try to see the world through that).

I will endeavor to invite earlier in the week (bli neder) and I hope that if op or others receive an invite from me in shul they should know it's with a open heart and a open door.
Back to top
Previous  1, 2 Recent Topics

Page 2 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

Related Topics Replies Last Post
For women that go to the country
by amother
24 Today at 4:06 pm View last post
What new book is this - rehab of 6 women
by amother
2 Yesterday at 8:39 pm View last post
AG Rules Women Can Take Rabbanut Tests
by Rappel
164 Tue, Jul 07 2020, 5:21 pm View last post
by etky
White women pulls gun on black mother and daughter
by amother
8 Fri, Jul 03 2020, 10:06 am View last post
What makes a women pretty
by amother
84 Tue, Jun 30 2020, 3:36 pm View last post

Jump to: