Pearl studs on shidduch photo?

amother

Copper

Thu, Oct 10 2019, 3:35 pm

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

So why can't you just tell your DH that your kids look great, and he won't know the difference or care?

Just trying to figure out how exactly your stylishness or lack thereof impacts him.

This is also what I'm trying to ponder.
And there are lots of women who think they are stylish but they are not. So these women go home and tell dh they are stylish, he is happy, she is also happy under the illusion she is stylish. Great! Does it really matter whether or not she is actually stylish, unless the dh is truly a fashion aficionado?

As for preteen girls fitting in because they are fashionable, maybe that depends on locale. In my community, preteen girls usually fit in because they are socially savvy. And if fashion becomes important, then they are savvy enough to tell their mothers what to wear.

But maybe there are some shallow communities where it is crucial for 10 year olds to dress in the latest trends or they will be ostracized. I don't know. In such a case, I would say it's crucial to find a wife who is socially in the know, not necessarily fashionably in the know.

amother

Slategray

Thu, Oct 10 2019, 3:59 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

I still don't get how something as classic as a pearl stud could hint to not being a put together person.
I'm lost. Truly.
If she were wearing some earrings that looked like she made them at a bead store, ok. Maybe odd. Maybe eccentric.
But a pearl stud?
Classic. Tasteful. Understated.
Not put together???
Well, maybe I live under a rock. But I like it there.

I have given this some thought trying to figure out what OP was thinking.

Perhaps the pearl studs were little girl sized. Perhaps OP thought the pearls should be gold.

Odelyah

Fri, Oct 11 2019, 3:49 am

While I totally agree with most of the sentiments expressed in this thread, I think that we have probably misunderstood where the OP is coming from.

Upon closer reading of her original question, I noticed she said her son is looking for a "very put together" girl. Not just a "put together" girl. Meaning, I think, a girl who is trendier than your average yeshivish girl, a tiny bit edgier-slightly-less-yeshivish-but still a good Bais Yaakov girl type of girl? Not the classic, refined, put-together yeshivish pearl stud type, maybe the dangly but not too dangly little heart with rhinestones type? Or if we are also implying wealthier, then small dangly diamond type? Who knows. But I think we are judging OP and assuming she is asking a blanket question about yeshivish girls' shidduch photos (blech so upsetting to type that--that really should still be a total oxymoron Crying

) when she is trying to figure out if a specific girl's earring choice in her photo suggests she is not the right type, specifically for her son, who is looking for someone a little trendier/less yeshivish. But, OP wonders, maybe if ALL the nice yeshivish girls got the memo to wear classic pearl studs in their (ew) photos, then that doesn't necessarily mean that this girl is not slightly trendier, very put together, etc the rest of the time. And she may still be a good fit for her slightly trendier, slightly less yeshivish son who really wants a very put together girl, not just a put together girl. But OP is unsure so is asking her question, because she doesn't want to waste the classic, refined, put-together yeshivish girl's time.

Signed, a mother of a (very) yeshivish boy in shidduchim, who wears pearl studs but doesn't care much about trends, yeshivish or otherwise, and has never received a resume with a photo, and hopes she never will.

amother

Peach

Fri, Oct 11 2019, 5:01 am

I think many people were wondering what OP's son means by "very trendy."

How would a Yeshivish bochur be aware of what constitutes "very trendy?" And who gets to decide what that actually looks like?

I think OP got piled on because of a general sense of frustration and outrage at this system that has the PARENTS deciding what will be attractive to their child.

If a boy says he wants skinny, don't set him up with an overly obese girl. But if he said nothing, why are you assuming he cares?

And even if he did specify a thin girl, unless you have verified otherwise, a size 16 might be just fine. "Skinny" is a highly subjective term, and many boys who want skinny girls include a wide range of sizes in that number. More than one bochur, when asked what "skinny" means, has referenced his own mother – a size 14 or more. Mothers who turn down anyone bigger than a size 2 because "my son wants a skinny girl"? THAT makes people angry.

If a boy says he wants a "pretty girl," why does the mother think that it is HER perception of pretty that counts? When a MOTHER turns down a girl because SHE thinks the girl looks too plain — THAT makes people angry.

Same here. Does the boy know what trendy means? What does he think "put together" means? Does he mean that he doesn't want a girl who comes across as shlumpy? Or has the mother decided that "put together" means wearing the latest Flatbush fashion?

Turning down a shidduch because the girl's taste in jewelry doesn't fit with the MOTHER'S perception of a "put together" girl, ESPECIALLY if we haven't confirmed that the bochur in question is up on the styles — THAT makes people angry.

amother

Crimson

Fri, Oct 11 2019, 5:12 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

I beg to differ.
A mother knows a lot about her son.
She knows some things he would want or not want even if he didn’t specifically say.
(And if she’s not sure then yes, she should ask)
But I have a friend who fell in with a husband that smokes. (I know some of you might say it’s not falling in, but to her it is, she considers it falling in) and her very close immediate family member is the one who set up her shidduch. She asked him “why didn’t you tell me that he smokes?” To which he replied “you didn’t ask”.
Insane.
A son trusts his mom for a reason.

amother

Peach

Fri, Oct 11 2019, 5:32 am

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

If you suspect that something may be a problem, you ask. I think smoking is a poor example here. (Although I wonder why on earth it didn't come up when dating?)

Turning down a girl because she doesn't fit into YOUR perception of your daughter-in-law, by blaming it on your son ("he wants a pretty girl, and I don't think she's pretty") is very different.

Rappel

Fri, Oct 11 2019, 5:42 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

I'm a BT who never went through shidduchim. (DH and I became frum together after marriage). I really don't know how I will handle shidduchim for my children. I'm baffled by such a question. I don't think I have any ability to navigate a system where a girl takes a picture and then is deemed "not put together" because she is wearing pearl studs. This is not meant to bash you, OP. Just saying, I feel like I don't live on the same planet.

I grew up "in the system," and I'm just as non-plussed as you. You're not alone.

I think we'll just do a l'Chaim with the next door neighbor when our kids come of age, and be done with it. No stress, no sweat, no detectives.

amother

Babypink

Fri, Oct 11 2019, 6:29 am

Is a boy who cares strongly that his wife dresses trendy a catch at all?
That seems to be a big negative as many women on here complain about the pressure.
If a shadchan told me the boy is makpid ona trendy girl I’d run the other way.
How does a good yeshivish boy know women’s trend?
Will he pressure my daughter down the road?

Put together to me means clean, neat appropriate clothing.

A put together mother would be the one in the dr office with a clean neat outfit. Sheitel. A little jewelry and makeup. Stockings/tights and proper shoes.

Maybe op has to change how she describes her son from looking for put together to looking for trendy or with it or stylish. It’s different.

amother

Copper

Fri, Oct 11 2019, 6:48 am

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

This. It should be a red light for any girl. Do NOT go near boys who insist on a 'very put together' girl.

A girl who enjoys fashion can enjoy it even if she marries a guy who doesn't care. But it is very difficult to be married to someone who insists you always look your best. The kind of guy who criticizes your outfits, and thinks a woman should never leave the house without heels and make up.

Op, if indeed your son is looking for a make up-heels girl, I hope he communicates this to his dates. Because lots of girls dress like that when looking for a shidduch, but have no intention of spending the rest of their lives glammed up.

watergirl

Fri, Oct 11 2019, 8:32 am

urban gypsy wrote:

I would venture to say that frum "fashions" are not always fashionable
Just part of the cyclical nature of trends that keep the frum stores in business
I just can't fathom the degree of conformity that would be concerned over whether pearl earrings are allowed or whether they would be an object of ridicule in shul

I agree with you on this so strongly! Some of the "fashions" that are coming out every year are so absurd looking, I almost wonder if the brands have a wheel they spin to come up with random ideas and then put them together in one dress. And then stand back and laugh at what they managed to convince us all to buy just by slapping an obscene price tag on. No one in the secular world would wear some of the things we wear or dress our kids in.

I remember I was once shopping for 3/4 falls and the sheitel macher commented to me that only in the frum world do you see grown women wearing headbands like that (this was a while ago, it was not in fashion then) or grown women with thick, thick bangs (again, a while ago).

Yes, I am very aware the runway models sport these looks. But thats about it.

(Bracing for the tomatos)