Not fasting but don't want to eat in front of kids?

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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 12:59 am
I'm not going to be fasting. I don't fast really. I'm in recovery from an eating disorder and although I'm no longer in the "critical" state I once was in there's just no way I'm going to be fasting. It hasn't been an issue in the past but my oldest is now 3 and has been hearing his teachers talk about how adults don't eat on yom kippur. So he's been talking about it at home and I'm like smiling and nodding and realizing I have NO idea what I'm going to do this year.
Talking about an eating disorder with my 3 year old is just not going to happen. There's the very big possibility that he will announce to other people that his mommy ate on yom kippur. I don't really want that happening. Do I eat in private? Sneak a bite here or there when he isn't in the room? I think that's what I'll end up doing but just curious if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how you dealt with it.
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 3:02 am
I have a similar problem. I am early pregnancy and was told if I feel terrible I can hold shiurrim. Now I have no idea how to do this in front of my 7year old daughter???? I am thinking to put the food an drinks in my room and will look the door when I eat or drink so that she doesn't see....
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 3:14 am
If it was me, I would say that it is the mitzvah to fast on Yom Kippur, but sometimes Hashem DOESN'T want us to fast. Sometimes if a person is sick or has another problem, a Rav will tell them that they need to eat on Yom Kippur.

This year, the Rav told me that Hashem wants me to eat in a certain way on Yom Kippur, because it won't be good for me to fast.

If they ask why, I wouldn't offer too much detail. "The doctor and the Rav agreed that it wouldn't be the right thing for me to fast this year."
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 3:26 am
Be normal. If he asks, tell him that mommy is not well and the Rav paskened that you must eat. So for you eating is a mitzvah. Don’t hide it. It’s better for your child to understand that you are keeping halacha by eating.

ETA, when my Zaidy died on Yom Kippur, my mother was told to eat. (She didn’t have any desire to...)
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 8:08 am
I love the idea of teaching even young children the following:

- that we follow halacha.

- that sometimes we ask a shaila, and when there is a reason, a rav tells us that in that circumstance, the halacha is different because of our circumstance.

And if a 3 year old reports back to Morah that Mommy ate on Yom Kippur because a rav told her she should, Morah won't bat an eye, she's heard it before.
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 8:15 am
I can't fast for medical reasons or do shurim. I used to be discrete when eating. My family was aware, but no sense flaunting. If your child is 3, you may be able to eat discretely.

This year I was told to have 2 suddars with kiddish and benching. That's a lot tougher.
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 8:18 am
If it were me I would probably prepare shiurim in schnopps cups and leave in my bedroom.
Whatever you try to explain to your child will probably get repeated.
Let your child respect you.

I have a memory from many years back.
I used to live in an apartment as a child. On Yom Kippur afternoon during the break in shul I heard screaming and yelling from next door. The child next door was yelling on top of his lungs YOU ATE ON YOM KIPPUR!WHY DID YOU DO THAT? ITS YOM KIPPUR!!!! I heard the mother yelling back... she obviously thought her son didn’t see and was trying to pretend she was fasting... son was distraught...the shouting about eating on Yom Kippur went on for quite a while..
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 10:59 am
In my room
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 11:12 am
I would probably l'chatchila eat in my room/privately. Even though its OK for you to eat, I wouldn't want to publicize it. If she would catch you and ask then I would explain the reason and that its ok.
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 2:04 pm
Hi OP,
Fellow ED recoveree here. I was told by my Rav that I will never be able to fast. I have a shot glass and some drinks and crackers in my room and every few minutes or here and there I go inside and take a drink / crackers. Been doing it for a few years already and big kids never noticed. If they do then I will tell them that fasting is unhealthy for mommy and hashem wants us to be healthy above all, and when a Rav says to eat we eat.
Hatzlacha and have a happy healthy year. I don’t know who you are but I’m so proud of you for recovering
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 2:08 pm
I'd be concerned that my kids might see and be afraid to ask, and then draw their own conclusions...
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Post  Tue, Oct 08 2019, 2:17 pm
I get it. It's a hard thing to balance. I tried to hide not fasting one Tisha B'av and realized it wasn't the right approach. For the next year I sat the kids down and explained my health predicament and that I wasn't allowed to fast because it was too dangerous for my health. I then kept a cooler in my closet with food because I still didn't want to eat in front of them. I just didn't bring it up during the fast but didn't want to hide it.
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