DH asks,Does G-d really care

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amother

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 10:59 pm

DH is slowly feeling less spiritually connected. After YK today he asked me- what is the pojnt of it all. Does Hashem really care about work being done on YK. I sdaid, well if he worked on YK then Hashem would have found a way for him not to work- like the computer breaking. He asks me what is the point of it all- Hashem is omnipotent, omniscient omnieverything- what does he need our tefillot for.. are we his little puppets, dolls that he put in this world with rules to follow and then what happens- you die and then your soul floats around until techias hamasim and if you are not resurrected, then you don't know the difference and if you are you serve Hashem- why does Hashem need any of that....

I have no answers and I don't even know of a Rav who could give him a satisfactory answer.. we are starting that midlife point in our lives and things you never thought about are coming up...

I grew up with a BY mentality, serve Hashem, be a good person, be good to others, Reach out to Hashem when you need him. Look for the little miracles and hashgacha pratis in life.. take each day as a gift.. DH's questions are scary for me to think about.
DH is already not feeling the Yiddishkeit love and does things because he has to... I worry what the next step is- how do I help...

sequoia

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:02 pm

“I said, well if he worked on YK then Hashem would have found a way for him not to work- like the computer breaking.”

Huh?

What kind of theology is this?

amother

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:09 pm

sequoia wrote:

“I said, well if he worked on YK then Hashem would have found a way for him not to work- like the computer breaking.”

Huh?

What kind of theology is this?

My own made up BY mentality-The way I perceive the world works... I did not say it made sense- hence the asking of advice here. : )

amother

Lilac

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:16 pm

On some level, he's right. Hashem doesn't need us at all. We need Hashem. A God who needs us is by definition not Godly. We may enhance Hashem's standing in the world, but that's not necessary for Hashem.

We live to serve Hashem, and we don't know why things happen. I was thinking about this in shul today. The laining is about two identical goats. A lottery determines which one becomes a korban, and which will be the scapegoat that gets thrown off a cliff. In some ways, life is completely random. And as ovdei Hashem, we're ok with that. We don't have to understand everything here and now.

May you and your husband have a wonderful year, and may you find comfort in the complexity of life.

amother

Violet

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:17 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My own made up BY mentality-The way I perceive the world works... I did not say it made sense- hence the asking of advice here. : )

That's actually a dangerous path to go down, because that's not the way the world works.

The whole point of the world is that we have free choice. If someone chooses to work on Yom Kippur, Hashem will usually not send them an obvious sign that what they did was wrong. That person has the free choice to do what they want.

Your husband is struggling with bigger questions than simply the one he asked. I'm sorry that it's so scary for you. However, don't try to come up with your own answers, since they can unfortunately do more harm than good.

I suspect that there's more going on here, though. Is there depression/midlife crisis/something else fueling these questions? Or has DH been struggling with Yiddishkeit for a long time?

amother

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:20 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Amen! Thank you!

chasdie Hashem

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:22 pm

Connect him to yu jacobson

amother

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:23 pm

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

I would say over worked, midlife crisis and lots of hypocrisy around us in our the orthodox community- grandparents passing away, great aunts and uncle passing away, seeing our parents aging, friends parents who are terminally ill- etc..

amother

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:24 pm

chasdie Hashem wrote:

Connect him to yu jacobson

who is that?

urban gypsy

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

grandparents passing away, great aunts and uncle passing away, seeing our parents aging, friends parents who are terminally ill- etc..

I mean, none of these things are Hashems fault.... Do you see any signs of depression in your DH?

Surrendered

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:28 pm

Rabbi Sapirman's series on "know what to answer to yourself" answers those questions.

Last edited by Surrendered on Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:10 am; edited 2 times in total

amother

Violet

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So it sounds like at least part of it is a midlife issue... he's been doing this for a long time, and now he's burnt out. He's seen a lot and it's taking its toll on him.

I wonder if therapy is a piece of the puzzle.

Rabbi Y.Y. Jacobson: https://www.theyeshiva.net/abo.....86027

amother

Ivory

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:39 pm

Yes!

1ofbillions

Wed, Oct 09 2019, 11:59 pm

Surrendered wrote:

May you be zoche to a good year.

Your DH is in alot of pain.
The best thing is for you (and him) is to listen to Rabbi Ashears daily dose of Chizuk on Emunah. Also Rabbi Sapirman's series on "know what to answer to yourself".

I respectfully disagree with the recommendation to listen to Rabbi Ashear’s content. As a person who’s struggled with similar questions as OP’s husband since I was 10, his approach really turns me off. It’s all emotional and not evidence based. Yes, sometimes awesome things happen after someone has faith they’ll happen, but many times they don’t, and then what? IMHO he’s only inspiring to people who don’t think deeply.

I don’t want to take this thread off topic, so if you disagree then please start another thread. Just want to prevent the OP from advising her husband to listen to this rabbi’s speeches, thereby turning him even more cynical, which is what happened to me.

On a different note, it is healthy and normal to doubt religion. It is evidence that your husband is a thinking, authentic person; not just a product of society’s norms. Religious observance is a journey with ups and downs per to Rav Dessler - that’s how humans were created. I wish you and your husband lots of success on your journeys. This is what makes life meaningful! Smile

Last edited by 1ofbillions on Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:11 am; edited 2 times in total

amother

Magenta

Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:00 am

www.juniversity.co

Judaism Take 2

Lifechanging

Very intellectual, based on sources

seeker

Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:04 am

As the wife here, I think your best role would be to validate his pain, encourage him to bear with it, and offer to connect him with resources if he wants to reach out for help. Not to personally answer, argue, inspire, whatever. Also, try to connect with people/resources for yourself for when you need strengthening.

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:06 am

Op, I’m sorry that your having this issue, but please stop the negativity towards the BY education.
Your inability to answer your husbands questions has nothing to do with what the system offered. Any girl who wants answers can get them.
Coming from my own experiences, many friends, relatives and children who have gone through the system. I don’t know of a single school that does not have at least a few teachers who can help develop a students hashkafic thinking.
I usually post my name but I’m going anonymous in this one.

seeker

Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:11 am

Also you and he both need to know that a crisis of faith is not terminal. Having questions does not mean you are a bad Jew, and periods of disbelief do not mean that everything you ever learned or believed is false. Having questions and doubts is hard enough on its own without the added layers people are inclined to project onto it.

seeker

Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:14 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

I don't think OP meant to put down her BY education, I think she was just describing herself as someone who went with the program and wasn't one of those kids who was seeking deeper answers. We're young when in school, many kids aren't thinking that deeply and a lot goes over their heads. Now that she's faced with these tougher questions, she finds herself without the answers. I dare say the husband has the same issue with regard to his yeshiva education, so this is not a BY thing.

amother

Blue

Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:30 am

I’m no theologian. I’m not a Rav. I don’t know if anyone really has the answers. I’ve listened to a lot of YY Jacobson, and he talks a lot about helping people being pushed away or marginalized, not necessarily the existential crisis your husband is experiencing.

As a mother, and as a daughter, I know that we have a inexplainable link with our parents. We want to be close to them. To know them. People who were adopted by amazing foster parents still have some deep yearning to know where they came from.

We can’t know our mother by reading a quick blurb about what she does for a living and what food she likes. You know someone by living with them. By knowing the ins and outs of their existence. What toothpaste they prefer. How they take their coffee. What books interest them. That little beauty mark on the side of her lip. The way they smell. Spend an afternoon with just them. Discuss the politics of the day.

Does Hashem care if we drive around and eat on Yom Kippur? I don’t think so. Ultimately, I love my children and Hashem loves us too, no matter what. But if we listen to that voice inside of us that yearns for something more than a banal existence, then we try to live in God’s house. We do things He does, participate in His activities.

For me, there’s got to be more than my job, then the wrinkles creeping up in the corners of my eyes, in trying to fruitlessly maintain a hold on beauty and youth - the currency of our culture. In exercising to grasp as much health as I can before my steady decline as we age. And I can’t find it on my computer. I can’t find it on my phone. I can’t even find it in my children’s eyes. I find it, rarely, sitting quietly in shul with my thoughts, inspired by a random wording of the prayers on the page. Spending time with Hashem - trying to understand what this world is in Torah.

I think the more we spend time in our Father’s house, the more we care for him. He already loves us. And that’s your husband’s choice - you can’t force it on him.

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