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Friends or self esteem

 
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 10 2019, 7:30 am
I know it's not really one or the other, they're both important. I'm not changing anything. I only want to get others perspective.

I have two sons in a dorm yeshiva. One is in 12th grade and the other is in 9th. They're not in the same school. The one in 9th is in more of a specialty school that will help him all around and with that should help with his self esteem. I noticed in past years his self esteem was low and I felt it had a lot to do with his grades. When he did well, I saw a very big difference in him.

On the other hand, he's very quiet and has a hard time making friends. My ds that's in 12th grade says I should have sent him to his school because he feels they'll help him, which I don't think the same way, and he'll be able to help him make friends. He says that friends are more important than grades. I agree 100%, but it has nothing to do with grades, but how his lousy grades make him feel.

I know it's only the beginning of the year and it will take time, but I feel bad. I'm not sure if I made the right decision. Like I said, I only want to get others perspective on the matter. Thank you!
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amother




Purple


Post  Thu, Oct 10 2019, 7:38 am
Does your son feel lonely?
Or is it you that is uncomfortable that he has few/no friends?

If your son is happy with himself, even if it is less than socially admired to do so, what's the issue?

If your son is unhappy with the friend situation and you really want to help him, find a 12th grader in his school and pay him to befriend your child and help him make new friends.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 10 2019, 7:47 am
It's a little of both, but it's early in the year.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Oct 10 2019, 8:10 am
I just remembered that I wanted to say two more things. The 9th grader never had close friends and was perfectly fine with that. He pretty much had one friend that wasn't in his grade and they weren't that close. He's far from home now and that's why I think it's more important. He does have family that he's close to nearby though.

The 12th grader also barely had any friends in elementary school and when I ask him about his friends in high school he says he does, but he doesn't care to communicate with them out of school it seems. All that is fine if he's happy with it, but it was strange or more interesting coming from him telling me how important friends are.
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amother




Brunette


Post  Thu, Oct 10 2019, 8:16 am
Ask your son how he feels about it
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amother




Purple


Post  Thu, Oct 10 2019, 8:19 am
I wouldn't worry about it.

He is a much better candidate for friendship if his self-esteem is better.

Like I said, if you feel that he needs intervention, don't send him to school with his brother - just pay off a local kid to help jumpstart a friendship.

But if he's okay with acquaintances and not friends yet, don't push him. It's only worth it if he is actually lonely and is unable to do anything about it. He may not be lonely, AND he may be able to do something about it if he does feel unhappy about the situation.
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amother




Babypink


Post  Fri, Oct 11 2019, 7:33 am
I think the academics is more important, and the friends will come if he is with like minded kids. You can always transfer him after he gets a solid foundation.

My son was shy and quiet. He was not interested in friends until his school closed down, and we transferred him to a less RE school. Suddenly, he was Mr. Popularity.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 11 2019, 7:39 am
" find a 12th grader in his school and pay him to befriend your child and help him make new friends."
oah... Anne Frank hyd has a story about this. Do NOT do this. It WILL come out.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Oct 11 2019, 8:40 am
Ruchel wrote:
" find a 12th grader in his school and pay him to befriend your child and help him make new friends."
oah... Anne Frank hyd has a story about this. Do NOT do this. It WILL come out.

I wouldn't do it anyway because I wouldn't and I don't know anyone in the school either.
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Oct 11 2019, 10:36 am
First of all, give it time. It's VERY early, common to take months to adjust to high school.

Secondly, don't worry too hard, because none of this is irreversible. If your child is generally healthy, your relationship with him is generally healthy, you can always think about switching next year or even later than that. No need to pile on guilt and anxiety about a decision that you made in good faith.
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