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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Rosh Hashana-Yom Kippur
Trying to forgive. Long.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 11:33 am
For at least 6 months I have been trying to forgive some one who did me and my dd great harm. By spreading untrue LH (that he was told by a family member who is mentally ill) he convinced a large part of my family to sever ties with me. It came at a time when my husband and parents had just died over the course of a year and a half, and losing half our cousins at the same time hurt me and was traumatic for my child, who really needed to feel she still had people who cared. (She does, BH, but a lot fewer.)

Now dd is in shidduchim and his lies still come up.

Every year on tisha b'av I read that the solution to sinaas Chinam is to forgive someone who doesn't deserve it. Every year between rh and yom kipper I try to get myself to do it too. This year I actually wrote him an email and said I forgive him.

I didn't send it because although perhaps I can bring myself to forgive him in my heart, I don't want to be friends. I don't want to be invited to his simchos and iyh when I have one, I don't want him at mine. (In point of fact, my daughter is terrified of his being at her chasuna when the time comes and I have promised her he won't be). I simply want to forgive him, and forget him.

I don't know if this is genuine forgiveness but it's the best I have.
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 11:59 am
Forgiveness is journey being stupid is not part of it. If you do not trust him it does not mean you do not forgive him. If you do not want to be around him because of the bad feelings it brings, that is okay.
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amother
White


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:01 pm
Some things just take time. By constantly dwelling on it you are probably getting further away from being able to get past it. Tell yourself you will revisit it in 6 months time, then put it out of your head until then. Don't talk or think about it till then.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 12:30 pm
What do you all think would happen if I wrote to him and said "I forgive you but I don't want to be friends and I don't want to revisit the issue."

In fact, I would be happiest if he didn't respond at all.
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 1:08 pm
Forgiving someone means you are not angry at them, not holding on to bad feelings towards them. It does not mean that you have to go back to your previous relationship, that you have to let them back into your life, that you have to open yourself up to be hurt by them again.... none of that.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 1:21 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What do you all think would happen if I wrote to him and said "I forgive you but I don't want to be friends and I don't want to revisit the issue."

In fact, I would be happiest if he didn't respond at all.


I would write that gist but couch it a little more softly.

"I forgive you. Because I don't want to reopen wounds or old hurts, I would prefer if we maintain our distance. Wishing you a happy, healthy new year."
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 1:22 pm
I also have this issue that an old × friend dropped me in a very bad way without explanation and lots and im carrying around lots and lots of hurt feelings towards her, this year I made up I will call her and let her know that I do forgive her and she was being honest that she wronged me , yet my expectation was that the next time I will meet up with her she will be much friendlier with me and to my disappointment I did bump into her before yom kipper and she gave me again the silent treatment as before , I dont know if I'm right not to forgive since u cant force someone to greet u or be friends with u , she seems no interest in having to do with me. I know I never did her anything it was just out of the blue( after feeling that I was being used and manipulated very badly thats why its hard for me to forgive her) I did call her (someone worked it out with me) and told her I do forgive her but I still dont feel like it was with my whole heart I still feel left scars , a whole rosh hashuna I asked hashem to make me be complete with it all the way and I shouldnt have to go around with bad thoughts on her because im really carrying around the hurt about her wherever I am . So, yea I think the right thing is to feel to forgive all the way and forgive when ready because I did but wasnt feeling ready and its called being inauthentic with ourselves .
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 1:51 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
I also have this issue that an old × friend dropped me in a very bad way without explanation and lots and im carrying around lots and lots of hurt feelings towards her, this year I made up I will call her and let her know that I do forgive her and she was being honest that she wronged me , yet my expectation was that the next time I will meet up with her she will be much friendlier with me and to my disappointment I did bump into her before yom kipper and she gave me again the silent treatment as before , I dont know if I'm right not to forgive since u cant force someone to greet u or be friends with u , she seems no interest in having to do with me. I know I never did her anything it was just out of the blue( after feeling that I was being used and manipulated very badly thats why its hard for me to forgive her) I did call her (someone worked it out with me) and told her I do forgive her but I still dont feel like it was with my whole heart I still feel left scars , a whole rosh hashuna I asked hashem to make me be complete with it all the way and I shouldnt have to go around with bad thoughts on her because im really carrying around the hurt about her wherever I am . So, yea I think the right thing is to feel to forgive all the way and forgive when ready because I did but wasnt feeling ready and its called being inauthentic with ourselves .


I am sorry for your hurt which sounds intense. But your situation has some similarities but is not the same.

I do not EVER want to be friends with this person again, so waiting will not change anything. This is someone who hurt my then recently orphaned child terribly, at exactly the time when family should have been trying to help her feel safe, and causes continued hurt to her because he believed and spread loshon hora. In the spirit of yom kippur I would like to forgive him but I do not intend to ever trust him or allow him close to us again, and frankly it would be irresponsible for me to.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 2:03 pm
I think you did the right thing then because nothing will change what had happened. U forgive and u can choose to not have anymore in common with that person ever agiand . there is a good reason for it.

By me was different because we were so good and I never did anything to her that she should be angry @ me , besides she had to make changes in her life which I assume but I dont think its polite to leave someone and playing the way she did on me . There are 100 positive ways how she couldve done it instead if causing me pain . Yet by me was different since I still feel in certain way connected but im working on myself just to cut her off from my thoughts and forget about her completely, thats the only way I can forgive her with my whole heart and soul.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 2:05 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
I think you did the right thing then because nothing will change what had happened. U forgive and u can choose to not have anymore in common with that person ever agiand . there is a good reason for it.

By me was different because we were so good and I never did anything to her that she should be angry @ me , besides she had to make changes in her life which I assume but I dont think its polite to leave someone and playing the way she did on me . There are 100 positive ways how she couldve done it instead if causing me pain . Yet by me was different since I still feel in certain way connected but im working on myself just to cut her off from my thoughts and forget about her completely, thats the only way I can forgive her with my whole heart and soul.


I am sorry you have to go through this. You sound like a wonderful person and I sure that many other people appreciate you. Try to focus on them. And have a gemar tov.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 2:07 pm
I just wanna add that I really feel your hurt and its huge from u to be so kind and being able to say out that u forgive him! Its the only way things to get better, I know holding a grudge is not good for either person that had hurt or that got hurt.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 2:08 pm
Thats why im working so so hard on myself to let go and it should come a day that I shouldn't care anymore so I can forgive her fully.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 2:10 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am sorry you have to go through this. You sound like a wonderful person and I sure that many other people appreciate you. Try to focus on them. And have a gemar tov.


Thanks for your sympathy:)
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 2:24 pm
You can forgive without the relationship going back to how it was. You can just send the email that you forgive him. Do you think he's going to respond that he wants to hang out? If he doesn't even ask for a relationship, you don't have to bother to say you don't want one, you just won't have one. If he does try to reconnect, then you can say, you wish him well, but things can't go back to how they used to be.

My own experience: I forgave my rapist. But, as you can imagine, I don't ever want to be in the same room as him ever again.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 2:35 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
You can forgive without the relationship going back to how it was. You can just send the email that you forgive him. Do you think he's going to respond that he wants to hang out? If he doesn't even ask for a relationship, you don't have to bother to say you don't want one, you just won't have one. If he does try to reconnect, then you can say, you wish him well, but things can't go back to how they used to be.

My own experience: I forgave my rapist. But, as you can imagine, I don't ever want to be in the same room as him ever again.


I do think he would want to go back to how things were. He and dd were at a simcha recently where she kept trying to avoid him and he kept incessantly trying to talk to her as if nothing was wrong. (His issue was with me, not her and he doesn't seem to understand that if you trash the mother one way or another you will hurt the kid). She actually left early because she was having no fun playing dodge cousin x. It was a pity bc she had been looking forward to catching up with some girl cousins who don't live here and instead he became the focus of the simcha for her.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 2:37 pm
I realize as I am writing that I am getting angrier and this isn't what I want for the day after yk. I appreciate everyone's perspectives, and a lot of you were very helpful, but going to sign off.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 8:39 pm
OP I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Here's an exercise that some people find helpful. Write a letter to the person you are unable to forgive. Don't hold back anything. Make it as detailed as you can. For this exercise, it's important that you actually write the letter with pen and paper, not type.

Then, put the letter aside. You are not going to send it.

Write a second letter. This is from the person who hurt you, to you. Write down exactly what you wish they would say, the perfect apology. Again, don't hold back, and use pen and paper.

That's it.

Even though the person didn't actually write you a letter, somehow the act of writing it for them can bring the feeling of having hashed it all out.

Wishing you healing and gmar tov.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 8:44 pm
Laiya wrote:
OP I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Here's an exercise that some people find helpful. Write a letter to the person you are unable to forgive. Don't hold back anything. Make it as detailed as you can. For this exercise, it's important that you actually write the letter with pen and paper, not type.

Then, put the letter aside. You are not going to send it.

Write a second letter. This is from the person who hurt you, to you. Write down exactly what you wish they would say, the perfect apology. Again, don't hold back, and use pen and paper.

That's it.

Even though the person didn't actually write you a letter, somehow the act of writing it for them can bring the feeling of having hashed it all out.

Wishing you healing and gmar tov.


I like this idea. Thank you!
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 9:40 pm
Someone who wronged you so terribly needs to do teshuva. It's noble of you to want to forgive and move on, but really in a case like this, how can you really truly forgive until he reaches out and asks for mechila? There's a reason Hashem made the teshuva process work the way it does; it's for our good. Better he should do some introspection and feel sorry for what he did. It's important for his neshama to fix this. Also he needs to stop making your dd uncomfortable. I would write to him and kindly but firmly ask him to minimize contact with dd, since it makes her uncomfortable given the terrible pain he caused your family. Maybe this will get him to wake up and realize what he did.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Thu, Oct 10 2019, 10:16 pm
amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:
Someone who wronged you so terribly needs to do teshuva. It's noble of you to want to forgive and move on, but really in a case like this, how can you really truly forgive until he reaches out and asks for mechila? There's a reason Hashem made the teshuva process work the way it does; it's for our good. Better he should do some introspection and feel sorry for what he did. It's important for his neshama to fix this. Also he needs to stop making your dd uncomfortable. I would write to him and kindly but firmly ask him to minimize contact with dd, since it makes her uncomfortable given the terrible pain he caused your family. Maybe this will get him to wake up and realize what he did.


She can chose to forgive someone even if they don't ask. It would be for her own benefit. (I spend a lot of time thinking about and reading about this subject. I am still waiting for an apology from someone who almost ruined my life and my family's. I would love to be able to forgive her even though she has never apologized but I cannot get there. I greatly admire that OP is so wiling).
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