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Forum
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amother
OP
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 Tue, Oct 15 2019, 11:47 pm
there's a family we've known for a few years that invites us over for yom tov or shabbos meals. they're nice people and we enjoy their company, but their meals drag on forever and they trap their guests and make it impossible to leave.
if it's a daytime meal, they'll stretch it out until mincha time (even in the summer). if it's an evening meal, they'll keep everyone there until 12:30 or 1am (just a regular old shabbos / YT meal... not a seder). they wait until the very end to bensch so you can't leave early. any hints -- subtle or not so subtle -- that we're tired go totally ignored. even directly saying directly that we need to leave by X time to make an appearance at some other thing is ignored.
they find every way to make the meal as slow as possible. the husband is a little quirky and eccentric, and his schtick / "shabbos oneg" seems to be that he just really enjoys the neverending meals. his own wife gets annoyed with the slowness and tells him to hurry up. and their pre-teen kids are forced to stay up and stay at the table, and sit there bored and under orders not to complain too much.
we've about reached the end of our rope, and we think what they're doing is inconsiderate. when we host, we eat at what we feel is a reasonable pace and bensch; people who want to leave can leave, and people who want to stay and chat can stay. this is the way it is at most other hosts in our community. some meals are more rushed and some drag on longer, but this particular table is way beyond anything else.
I wanted to get everyone's thoughts about whether what we feel is reasonable.
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amother
Oak
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Tue, Oct 15 2019, 11:49 pm
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Why can't you just bentch early and leave whenever you want?
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mig100
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Tue, Oct 15 2019, 11:50 pm
Your.thoughts are definitely reasonable
I don't think inconsiderate is the right word. It's understandable if u find it painfully long.
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amother
Cerise
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Tue, Oct 15 2019, 11:52 pm
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if it were a 5 hour meal we would not be able to go. We would have had to bench and go at a certain point and not go back if we were expected to stay at a 5 hour meal. Everyone can do as they wish in their own home but we would not be able to participate in this.
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amother
Oak
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Tue, Oct 15 2019, 11:56 pm
A 5-hour meal is ridiculous, but why not come for whatever amount of time you want and just leave early?
I assume you are coming mostly for the company, so if you know this is how it works plan to fill yourself up with whatever course you intend to stay for, so you don't leave hungry.
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shmosmom
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Tue, Oct 15 2019, 11:57 pm
I have a friend or two who does this. It's their house and their meal- they can do as they please.
It's your choice whether to go or not.
ETA-why are people answering anonymously on this one? Is your opinion that personal?
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amother
OP
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 12:02 am
| amother [ Oak ] wrote: | | Why can't you just bentch early and leave whenever you want? |
with these hosts, politely asking them for benschers and telling them we're going to bensch ourselves and head out would be akin to, say, walking into their kitchen to grab a corkscrew and a better bottle of wine because we didn't like the one they put out.
plus, we're often the only guests, so we'd be "breaking up their party" the minute we leave, and they wouldn't want that. also, they're still slowly trickling out food hours after the meal has begun, so it's not like everyone is done eating and they're just talking.
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amother
Blush
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 12:06 am
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Next time they invite you, tell them the truth. "We love sharing meals, but your pace just doesn't work for us. Want to come to our house instead?"
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amother
Firebrick
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 12:06 am
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Rutabaga
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 12:07 am
I've been to plenty of looooong Shabbos lunches where the adults are having a grand time shmoozing and the kids disappear to play in the basement or backyard. I can't imagine forcing kids to stay seated for so long. I also wouldn't be able to stay awake so late on a Friday night.
If you value your friendship with this family then you can decide if it's worth it to you to go for meals knowing what that entails or you can set boundaries. Maybe you say no to Friday night invitations but yes to Shabbos lunch invitations. Maybe you only invite them to your home for meals instead. Maybe you go to them for meals but set a time limit with your husband beforehand and bench and leave when it gets too late for you. Maybe you thank them for their invite but tell them you can't come for the meal and will pop in for dessert so you're not stuck waiting for benching.
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happyone
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 12:18 am
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hosts get the right to run their meals as they see fit. if guests don't like it, decline the invite. I stay home I'd I dont enjoy stretched out meals, or certain minhagim, or choice of served dishes.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 12:22 am
| amother [ Blush ] wrote: | | Next time they invite you, tell them the truth. "We love sharing meals, but your pace just doesn't work for us. Want to come to our house instead?" |
| amother [ Firebrick ] wrote: | | Just don't go. |
yeah, we might just have to not go. it's hard to be direct with them because they're a generation older than us, and it might come off as disrespectful to tell them their meals are so unbearably slow that we never want to go to them again.
they also make it difficult to make politely decline an invitation. they'll tell us month in advance of a chag and that they're hosting every yom tov meal plus both shabbat meals and ask us to pick a meal. kind of hard to say, "sorry no thanks" at that point. but we just might have to.
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amother
Blush
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 12:41 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | yeah, we might just have to not go. it's hard to be direct with them because they're a generation older than us, and it might come off as disrespectful to tell them their meals are so unbearably slow that we never want to go to them again.
they also make it difficult to make politely decline an invitation. they'll tell us month in advance of a chag and that they're hosting every yom tov meal plus both shabbat meals and ask us to pick a meal. kind of hard to say, "sorry no thanks" at that point. but we just might have to. |
Just say sorry we can't. If they press, you can offer to stop by. They are doing what works for them, and you can do what works for you.
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mirror
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 12:42 am
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We have friends who keep trying to invite us over once a month for Shabbos. As much as we enjoy their company, the time we spend at their very long meals (though not 5 hours) takes away from our Oneg Shabbos. So we don't go. Their idea of Oneg Shabbos is spending a long time at the table. Our idea of Oneg Shabbos is keeping to a schedule of spending time together and spending time apart.
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amother
Black
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 12:57 am
We have several friends whose pace of their meals don't work for us. We eat our meal at home and pop in afterwards to socialize. My friend always says "I love this arrangement - it's like having company I don't have to cook for!"
It works out great for everyone. Plus my kids aren't forced to come along if they don't want.
Anon cuz I quoted my friend 
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ora_43
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 1:30 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | with these hosts, politely asking them for benschers and telling them we're going to bensch ourselves and head out would be akin to, say, walking into their kitchen to grab a corkscrew and a better bottle of wine because we didn't like the one they put out. |
But in defense of this option, it seems like the natural consequence to what they are doing.
If your friend says she has to leave by 10, and you ignore her completely and plan the meal as if it's going to continue on until 12:30 am, the natural consequence is that your friend leaves in the middle of the meal.
They might not like it, and they might even react as though you've done something rude, but I bet the next time you say "we'd love to, but we have to be home by 10" they'll take it seriously.
It also seems less drastic than either of the other options (you stay and suffer through their absurdly long meals; you stop going altogether).
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gold21
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 1:34 am
Inconsiderate to their children for sure.
Kids forced to sit for five hours while adults converse?
Not nice. Not cool. Not okay.
But whatever.
It would bother me.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 2:14 am
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amother
Seashell
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 2:29 am
Why in Heavens name do you have to feel obligated to go??? They're entitled to drag their meal as long as they wish. Nobody can obligate you to accept their invite. End of story! 
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rivkam
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Wed, Oct 16 2019, 2:49 am
This just reminds me one time not long after me and dh got married, we went to this meal with other young couples on a friday night that went on for ages. We were so exhausted and the conversation was boring. Dh kept on trying to hint to them to bentch. Finally, close to one, the lights went out and everyone was complaining because they were having such a nice time but they bentched and we left. We were so happy to get home after being stuck there for so long.
I do love long meals with family but I agree that it's best to bentch after a reasonable amount of time and then whoever's wants to stay can stay and whoever wants to sleep can do so!
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