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IM THE WORST HOUSEKEEPER
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:13 pm
tweety1 wrote:
It sure does! The kids are home now more than ever for almost 4 weeks straight. When the kids are around 24/7 you have to be some kind for angel to keep a house in order. When the kids are in school/cheder-are on a schedule, the whl house runs on a schedule. Or maybe your one of the angels. I don't consider myself a bad housekeeper in general at all, now during the y"t season I'm having a hard time keeping it together.

Ieam for me I can't blame it Hi
were still on regular schedule pretty much.
I still have to go to work (almost) every day
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:14 pm
Honey, you need to erase the word “fail” from your vocabulary, and your dh needs to be smacked upside the head. His expectations are unrealistic. You are all sacrificing for the sake of his career. Fine. One of the sacrifices is a pristine house. When he finishes training and starts working normal hours, he can start picking up the slack. For now, you seem to be doing the best you are capable of. Constantly harping on your deficiencies and calling you a failure is verbal abuse. And it’s working, too: like all victims of abuse, you have come to believe every derogatory thing he says about you. This has to stop. Forget spending money on a housekeeper, you need to spend it on therapy to restore your self-esteem.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:16 pm
you still had y"t which makes a mess... your dh is also home more to notice it more Wink
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:26 pm
zaq wrote:
Honey, you need to erase the word “fail” from your vocabulary, and your dh needs to be smacked upside the head. His expectations are unrealistic. You are all sacrificing for the sake of his career. Fine. One of the sacrifices is a pristine house. When he finishes training and starts working normal hours, he can start picking up the slack. For now, you seem to be doing the best you are capable of. Constantly harping on your deficiencies and calling you a failure is verbal abuse. And it’s working, too: like all victims of abuse, you have come to believe every derogatory thing he says about you. This has to stop. Forget spending money on a housekeeper, you need to spend it on therapy to restore your self-esteem.


He doesn't use the word fail, *I do*. He hates that I use it(he sees it as an excuse)
He doesn't say anything about me, he says things about the state of the house and j take it personally.
His training is going to take a while (graduate school) and after graduation there is no guarantee of normal hours..
This is the one thing that is really important to him.
*I* cut myself slack.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:32 pm
Erm, OP you claim to be “meticulous” so Hi everything takes longer. This may be true. You may be a perfectionist, and consider yourself a failure if things aren’t perfect.

In which case, you need to oust that perfectionism and embrace the philosophy of “good enough.” Is the laundry not put away because you insist on first KonMarie-folding everything just so and that will take two hours that you don’t have? Quit it! Shove that underwear in a drawer as is. It may not be instagrammable but it’ll be OUT OF THE WAY, which is what you need.

How old are your kids? They need to have assigned chores. But don’t be critical of their efforts. They’re a work in progress. A two year old can put clean things into a drawer and dirty things into a hamper or a trash bin. A five year old can dust, a seven year old can mop a floor, a nine year old can operate a washer and dryer. If they can fold paper to make “snowflakes” or “fortune tellers” they can fold laundry. If they can arrange playing pieces on a game board they can tidy up their rooms. They may not do a great job but IT WILL BE DONE.

Again—don’t waste time trying to do things perfectly. There’s a time and place for meticulousness and this isn’t it. Now is the time for “just good enough” housekeeping. Clean enough so the health dept. doesn’t shut you down, not clean enough to perform surgery.


Last edited by zaq on Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:36 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:33 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
For him, no. He really doesn't have the time.
But it's not that.
It's the piles of laundry that need to be folded it's my things all over the place.
It's stuff that get grimy.
No matter what I focus on there's always more.
I just can't get my act together.

I read about your laundry piles. It reminded me of the table in my laundry room piled high with clean crumpled laundry years ago. I was newly married with a newborn, unknowingly had PPD, was working and still trying to figure out how to run a home.
I decided it just wasn't working and started sending out all laundry that could go into the dryer, to the laundromat. They picked up and delivered my laundry all folded and it made a huge difference to everybody's mood. I continued that for about a year or two (underwear, towels, linens, PJs) until I slowly started incorporating it again.
Whatever you need to make things better! 😘
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Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:42 pm
Former worst housekeeper ever. But my adult children are doing great and love their parents and now things are much cleaner. Also get rid of as much stuff as possible! Less stuff! Less need to clean!
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nosher




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:47 pm
I doubt an agency will send someone for less than 5-8 hours per day. You may need to ask your neighbors whether their cleaning lady would agree to go to your house before or after she goes to theirs.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:49 pm
zaq wrote:
Honey, you need to erase the word “fail” from your vocabulary, and your dh needs to be smacked upside the head. His expectations are unrealistic. You are all sacrificing for the sake of his career. Fine. One of the sacrifices is a pristine house. When he finishes training and starts working normal hours, he can start picking up the slack. For now, you seem to be doing the best you are capable of. Constantly harping on your deficiencies and calling you a failure is verbal abuse. And it’s working, too: like all victims of abuse, you have come to believe every derogatory thing he says about you. This has to stop. Forget spending money on a housekeeper, you need to spend it on therapy to restore your self-esteem.



This is what I needed to hear right now.
Thank you.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:51 pm
ra_mom wrote:
I read about your laundry piles. It reminded me of the table in my laundry room piled high with clean crumpled laundry years ago. I was newly married with a newborn, unknowingly had PPD, was working and still trying to figure out how to run a home.
I decided it just wasn't working and started sending out all laundry that could go into the dryer, to the laundromat. They picked up and delivered my laundry all folded and it made a huge difference to everybody's mood. I continued that for about a year or two (underwear, towels, linens, PJs) until I slowly started incorporating it again.
Whatever you need to make things better! 😘


You? You who knows all the tricks of the trade of being a homemaker whether it's recipes or how to scrub a bathtub?
That definitely makes me feel better!
Thank you!

Hug
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 6:54 pm
We really dont have the means, were struggling financially. But you know what? I struggled without any help for a long time and it really took a toll on me.
I started taking cleaning help, I also hired a young girl as a mothers helper. Almost daily. This is my coping mechanism to keep my sanity.
I have many kids, but no help. Ye Ye... tell them to help!!! I will go crazy before anything gets done around the house.
And there's a limit how much I can do in a day.
You need to know your priorities and limitations.
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Seashell




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 7:09 pm
You are a mother of kids.
You are working full time.

Those 2 alone are full time jobs, so u are working 2 full time jobs.

YOU ARE A SUPERWOMEN!!!
Say that 101 times until u believe it. Then tell it to your husband until he believes it. Tell him that speaking to many other women they think you’re a hero for balancing it all.

Make a list of everything you are doing well. Hang it on your fridge. Read it daily. Title it SUPERWOMAN:
List:
Do your kids feel loved? (This is most important & don’t under estimate it.) Check
Do they have food to eat? (Simple or bought 100% counts, still takes cooking /buying!) Check
Do they have clean clothes? (No need for folded or ironed, cleaning alone takes time and effort .) Check
Do they go to school/ babysitter? (That means you’re driving /arranging carpools, not to mention paying tuition from your work!) Check
Are u working so your family can have food & clothes & a home? Check check check
Physically & emotionally sacrificing for your husbands schooling and career? Check
Going to Mikva, being a wife... Check check
Plus... plus....

....Again you are a SUPERWOMAN, for real!!!!!!

(I work part time. I have hours of cleaning help. My DH helps a ton. And I STILL am not managing. I feel like a failure! A failure you are definitely not!!)
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 7:13 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You? You who knows all the tricks of the trade of being a homemaker whether it's recipes or how to scrub a bathtub?
That definitely makes me feel better!
Thank you!

Hug

Yes, me!! I didn't know any tricks back them. It was a long process of teaching myself. But I couldn't do it while I was collapsing. Be kind to yourself.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 7:21 pm
Quick cheat for messy houses:

1. Buy a big stack of laundry baskets. Big ones. Preferably identical to minimize visual “noise.”

2. Go around the house room by room. Anything that’s not where it belongs goes into the basket. Some rooms may need several baskets, which is why they should be identical. It looks neater.

3. Park the filled basket(s) in an inconspicuous place like a corner of the room, behind or under a piece of furniture, or best of all, in a closet.

There you go. Instant cleanup.

When you get a chance, take a basket and deliver its contents to the appropriate places. Repeat with the next basket till everything is either put away, thrown away, or outgrown and given away.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 7:24 pm
I am sorry if you got hurt. I just empathize with you, because I hate it myself when my husband points out any mess. He does help a lot with cleaning & he can maybe even better clean than me/or has no problem to clean, but I still feel bad when I fall short or when he just making me aware.
So my post is coming from a place of understanding & kindness not from trying to shame you
Now with yom tov around, it's crazy by everyone
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amother
Plum


 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 7:36 pm
Even if he is so busy, he could’ve taken that time he was lecturing you about cleanliness to help clean up. You seem very burnt out and the last thing you need is someone making you feel inadequate.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 8:19 pm
I work full time. Never was great at housework before that- but working full time there is no way I could do most of the laundry. I do a few loads on the weekends and have Cleaning help do, fold and put away laundry during the week. I have half day help three days a week for laundry and floors and tidying up, but even years ago when I had cleaning help one day a week I had some laundry folding and putting away included. When I had the one day a week I did a number of loads the day or two before and dumped them on my guest bed and then the help folded and put it away . For me, gliding and putting away laundry is one of the worst household chores ever.

It may be that it just isn't possible for u to work full time and do all the laundry and cleaning. If so, just view it as the cleaning help being a necessary part of working just like babysitting would be necessary in order to work. For me it would be worth working half a day a week just to pay for cleaning if I needed to, in order to avoid the hours and hours that laundry and cleaning would take and how much I hate it.

I don't know how much u make but if u make let's say, $50 an hour u can view it that working two hours pays for/ and saves u- from like 6-8 hours of extra cleaning at home or needing to work three quarter time to have time for the home cleaning.

I used to think that cleaning help was so expensive but now I view it as saving a couple hours a night of busy work and bad mood for only the equivalent of 3-4 hours of my work time based on my income. I would rather work that 3/4 hours of work to pay for triple that amount of time in cleaning hell and paying for it frees up so much of my time and energy and makes my mood so much better. And it is less than marriage counseling would be too!

I remember a friend once told me that she starting working half a day some Friday's because she realized she used to say she can't make Shabbas if she worked Friday morning but she realized working some Fridays gave her enough extra money to have cleaning help Fridays and also buy some take out and still come out ahead than not working Fridays so she actually is less frazzled now going into shabbas . If u make a substantial amount per hour as a therapist of any sort or doctor or other similar professions just work out the math. If u do not make much more than u would pay out for cleaning help then the math doesn't work as well, but it is still sanity and Shalom Bayis! And so still worth the money.
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familyfirst




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 8:41 pm
A tip for laundry

Don’t fold everything. get baskets

Girls Sox in one basket
Girls underwear in another
Girls pajamas in another

Same for boys

Hang shirt, dresses
Hang or fold pants
Basket for towels

When a load comes out of the dryer immediately separate them into baskets. If you have time you can tackle one basket at a time and fold

Never was a fan of clean clothes dumped onto slate bed etc
Hard to find things
If sorted in baskets so much easier to find what is needed
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amother
Olive


 

Post Thu, Oct 17 2019, 8:43 pm
zaq wrote:
Honey, you need to erase the word “fail” from your vocabulary, and your dh needs to be smacked upside the head. His expectations are unrealistic. You are all sacrificing for the sake of his career. Fine. One of the sacrifices is a pristine house. When he finishes training and starts working normal hours, he can start picking up the slack. For now, you seem to be doing the best you are capable of. Constantly harping on your deficiencies and calling you a failure is verbal abuse. And it’s working, too: like all victims of abuse, you have come to believe every derogatory thing he says about you. This has to stop. Forget spending money on a housekeeper, you need to spend it on therapy to restore your self-esteem.


Thisss.

My husband is a student. I don’t work full time and I still pay for 2 hours of help bi weekly. (We have one child Bh. ) it’s not negotiable. Especially now when he’s a student and can’t help...

I calculate it as coming out of my paycheck but in actuality we borrow for living expenses and could probably cut that out. It’s really not worth it to live in a constant state of chasing my tail.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 18 2019, 3:05 am
Me too. I don't see myself as a housekeeper. That's a job to me. My forte isn't chores.
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