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You'll always be mine AMI
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Blessing1




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:06 pm
I read the story "you'll always be mine" and it left me with mixed feelings. I've been thinking about the story since.
Have you read it? What's your take on the story? Who's technically right?
I think both sides could've handled it better & nicer.
Though it really does seem that the biological parents are really not up to raising the child and having the amount of kids that they do. Their home is described as pretty dysfunctional.
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:12 pm
I thought the biological parents were extremely ungrateful to the women.
Besides that it sounds like a dysfunctional situation.
And I don’t think it was in the child’s best interest to be torn from her either.
Sali should have eventually been able to go home (as long as there was no dysfunction) because ultimately it is best for him to be brought up with his siblings and parents but the way they went about it was completely wrong and ungrateful to say the least.
I also couldn’t stop thinking about it.
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chestnut




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:13 pm
I read it. Such a bizarre story.
Very unclear why the boy was in the volunteer care for THAT long (3 y?), after they meanwhile had another baby. Wasn't there anything about the time in the papers they signed?
Volunteer is said to be spending her savings on the boy's needs. Wasn't it covered by his Medicaid? Professional event planner with crazy extravagant food aren't a must for an upsherin. Cutting parents out of the boy's life is bad.
I don't think the biological family is terribly dysfunctional at this point.


Last edited by chestnut on Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:15 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Cobalt


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:14 pm
It's weird but I also thought so. Obviously a child belongs with biological parents, but here it seems like they were more than happy to have someone take care of their child when it was difficult but now they want it back.
They had no problem letting this lady pay for all his expensive needs? Very convenient.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:15 pm
We were trying to figure out if this story is true or made up. I have heard that Ami is known to make up stories...
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amother




White


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:16 pm
The “chesed” lady should’ve not let herself get so attached. She went out and bought him full wordrobe toys furniture etc. why did she do that if she knew it’s temporary. She obviously claimed this child much before she expected “hakoros hatov”. Which is not a valid argument either. No one gives their child away as hakoros hatov. The family was obviously dysfunctional and should’ve seen the warning signs from the day she was acting weird about the visits. But this poor lonely women definitely picked herself a fight from day one.
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Tzutzie




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:17 pm
My take? Bina was totally out of line.
As soon as I read how Bina acted when his biological mother came to visit and sheindys feelings of alienation when she saw her son. And the runaround Bina gave her....
She lost all respect.

I understand she put all this effort into this child and all but this is still not her child.
And refusing to hand over this child, is just plain stealing a human being as if he's a piece of meat.
Oh, and the mother was totally right for taking out a restraining order/order of protection because she showed up at his cheder.
This was very bad chutzpah.

The stuggle these parents where going through at that time does not make them unfit parents. And it doesn't sound so dysfunctional at all. Also, it seems like they settled in nicely but them Bina came ans started messing with his little head again.

If Bina was bored and lonely she could have gotten herslef a puppy!
Also, from how she behaved I'm not so sure "sani" would have been too well off emotionally had she raised him to adulthood.



I know this is actually based on a true story.
The emotions and stuff like that was true. But not all the details.
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Blessing1




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:18 pm
The foster mom didn't cut the parents out of his life. The parents cut themselves out, they were never interested in the child. They never asked about him. The biological mom suddenly decided she wants him to come home and just grabbed him without preparing him.
They may take home the child eventually, but it doesn't seem like they're ready for it just yet. It doesn't seem like they have the space, money, or resources to raise him.
They handled the entire situation very barbaric. A restraining order? Really? How ungrateful can parents be to someone that saved their childs life? To the women that loved him when his parents were not interested in him??


Last edited by Blessing1 on Sun, Oct 20 2019, 12:01 am; edited 1 time in total
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chestnut




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:23 pm
I read the story on rosh Hashanah, so might not remember some details. I recall there was an incident (or more?) of when the biological mother came to visit and it was closely supervised, her calls weren't answered by the volunteer, family completely ignored by his upsherin.
Bio family didn't just decide to grab the boy one day out of blue.
I don't see how they don't have space/resources/money to take him home now. Plenty of families living in small spaces, on low income. That's not the reason to keep him away from his parents and siblings, just because the volunteer went crazy on spoiling him


Last edited by chestnut on Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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cnc




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:24 pm
The story made no sense - typical of Ami stories. There were way too many details that just didn’t shtim.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:31 pm
Blessing1 wrote:
The foster mom didn't cut the parents out of his life. The parents cut themselves out, they were never interested in the child. They never asked about him. The biological mom suddenly decided she wants him to come home and just grabbed him without preparing him.
They may take home the child eventually, but it doesn't seem like they're ready for it just yet. It doesn't seem like they have the space, money, or resources to raise him.
They handled the entire situation very barbaric. A restraining order? Really? How ungrateful can parents be to someone that saved their childs life? Ti the women that loved him when his parents were not interested in him??


If this story is true I totally didn't see it that way. The mother had a collapsed lung!! No money! And was pregnant almost immediately! (What a pity she doesn't read imamother...).

The foster mother claimed they never asked about him, but that wasn't true, only they didn't document their calls and visits. Because they weren't as savvy as Binah. Yes, a restraining order because Binah was not cooperating. Binah had created this fantasy in her mind that this was her child forever, but that was never the case and she should have realized that from the beginning.

It's very hard to give up a child that you raised, but unfortunately this is what happens unless the child was formally adopted.
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Tzutzie




 
 
 


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:32 pm
Blessing1 wrote:
The foster mom didn't cut the parents out of his life. The parents cut themselves out, they were never interested in the child. They never asked about him. The biological mom suddenly decided she wants him to come home and just grabbed him without preparing him.
They may take home the child eventually, but it doesn't seem like they're ready for it just yet. It doesn't seem like they have the space, money, or resources to raise him.
They handled the entire situation very barbaric. A restraining order? Really? How ungrateful can parents be to someone that saved their childs life? Ti the women that loved him when his parents were not interested in him??


The mother was physically sick. They father came to visit the baby.
When the mother was well, she did come but Bina gave her a run for her money just to come see her child. She'd cut the visits shirt, she'd hover over her and never let her really connect with her own flesh and blood. Have you missed that part?
And yes, a restraining order. Becuase people like that don't take no for an answer.

I do not know the people this happened too. But we just discussed this today and my sil was saying she knows who wrote this story and the poeple it happend to. And it was more complicated that written in the story.

My close relative lives somewhere where there aren't many options - chinuch wise - in his country and in the surrounding area/countries. His city does have more options....
He has hosted (read - raised) quiet a few children over the years to attend school and yeshiva in his city. Some of these children came as young as 3 and left his home to attend yeshiva dorm at 15,16..... he attached to them as only a father/mother could. (They didn't have any of their own) It broke his heart every time they left. He is still connected to them, they come for shabbos and visit. But they aren't his! If there were any questions about the best interest of the child he always discussed it with the child's parents and ultimately did what the parents decided. And no, he didn't take any money. He paid for all of the children's needs while they lived with him. (Oftentimes these children's parents were so poor they'd go hungry to bed)
An emotionally healthy person doesn't steal anyone else's children.
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Sat, Oct 19 2019, 11:57 pm
sorry story makes no sense. Bina never LEGALLY ADOPTED the child. E/one that has ever gone through the adoption or even foster care process knows how many layers and laws of beurocracy come to play. No volunteer can ever decide the child they care for is theirs!!! sounds like other than some paperwork in the hospital, no agreement was ever officially made. A lawyer does not have to tell you that , hello, the kid isnt yours! also, why would parents be as cruel to a child that they didnt raise and turn his world upside down when they realize they cannot provide for him? honestly, the best ending for this fascinating fiction wouldlve been an open adoption where parents leave him in binas care but still have visitiation and access to the child..
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amother




Cobalt


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 12:02 am
This is just what AMI wanted.
They succeeded!
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soap suds




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 12:02 am
Why on earth should they leave him in Bina's care. The first few years was overwhelming for them and they couldn't possibly care for him. But now they are fully capable. Why should they give him up for life because of the first 3 years? Best case scenario would've been to gradually ease him into the transition in a way that wouldn't traumatize him, but Bina wasn't willing to work with them.
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flowerpower




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 1:04 am
I’m glad I have someone to discuss this story with! It’s been on my mind since I read and and wanted some input.

Mom has a collapsed lung and is medically fragile
Dad is overwhelmed and can’t juggle it all
Micro preemie needs a lot of care and needs a safe and clean environment
Volunteer steps in and becomes too attached and loses focus in her new project

1- it sounds like it took place in EY
2- was the family in contact when baby went to Binas house? Did they visit him etc?
3- Bina should’ve known its temporary and kept the parents in the loop with everything etc. She decided its her son after a while?
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top mom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 1:19 am
Was I the only one who said, "Noooooo!" when the mother got pregnant while being so clearly overwhelmed with her situation?
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honeymoon




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 1:20 am
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
Was I the only one who said, "Noooooo!" when the mother got pregnant while being so clearly overwhelmed with her situation?


I was thinking "Well why not? Let's add to the drama while were at it!"
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amother




Pearl


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 1:26 am
this story also caught my interest. and I can understand both sides and also think both sides were wrong.
Binah was wrong for attaching herself to the child right away, its almost like she decided from the start that the child was hers, even when he was still in the hospital, and she had not yet taken him home. you cant just decide someones child is yours because you bonded with them. There needs to be an adoption agreement and without one Binah was wrong to put up a fight about who gets to keep him. she should have understood full well that he was not hers.
On the other hand, if she truly bonded with him then its as if she was his real mother! and the same way a biological mother bear will fight for her cubs, Bina was simply acting on her mama bear instincts to fight for her child! I dont see whats wrong with that even if intellectually it doesnt make sense at all. Intellectually she should have realized the kid is not hers and it is only a temporary arrangement. doesnt sound like she kept that in mind and even from a young age was already imagining his bar mitzva! That is crazy. and yet the heart doesnt always follow intellect....

The parents were wrong in that they allowed someone else to raise their child for 3 years!! as if that is normal and then decide at the end of 3 years that they are "ready" to take their child home again. sorry but that just doesnt cut it for me. You dont get to decide its too hard to take care of your kid give the hard work to someone else and then after the hard work stage is over decide your ready for him again. It never should have gotten to the point where this baby bonded with another woman as his mother. I read the details carefully, and saw where there were a few times she could have taken his home again and yet was too overwhelmed. Deathly ill is one thing but overwhelmed isnt an excuse. when she was so sick herself, and the baby was under full time care in the hospital, I can understand she wasnt capable of caring for her kid and there was no choice in the matter. but there was a point where it seemed like the baby was still under a year old she was supposed to have stepped up to the plate and said this is my child and I need to take care of him the same way she cared for her active twins, or her ADHD son with the broken leg. You dont get to just decide one kid is just too much trouble to deal with. there was even a point where he was still a few months away from his upsherin and they decided to just "give it another few months." a few months is a huge amount of time to just decide you cant deal with your own kid! He isnt a houseplant that needed to be babysat! There were many points along the way, past the stage of " I simply physically cannot care for my child" to "I am too overwhelmed to care for my child"

I dont see why this kid ever went home from the hospital with Binah and didnt go home to her own house. That to me seems bizarre. Bina could have offered to come to THEIR house to volunteer with him. They didnt need to just sign him away like he was a package. if he came home with them it would have been clear who was the real parents,

regardless of who was right and who was wrong and who is the real mother and who gets to keep him, the part that bothered me the most is the way they ripped him away from Binah- the woman he called mommy- abruptly and without and concern for the CHILD"S well being. The mother was clearly thinking of her own feelings and not of the feelings of her child when she decided to take him home without any gradual transition. not allowing Binah to even see him? (how traumatizing is that for a child) after she poured 3 years of devotion into him and he bonded with her? Not ok.

happens to be this whole thing touched a really raw nerve for me. Because I have a friend who had a sister who got very very sick. While she was sick she couldnt care for her baby so her younger sister (my friend) who was single at the time stepped up. She was still living at home at the time with her parents (the babys grandparents) and they took him in but it was my friend who essentially became the mommy. The grandparents were older already. she cared for that baby for 6 years while the sister was in and out of the hospital. Essentially she became her mother. and then when the real mother was finally better she came home from the hospital picked up her child and took her home, with zero regard for her younger sisters feelings in the matter, and how much she bonded with the child as if she was her own daughter. my friend didnt make an issue and a fight out of it like Binah did, she simply watched her drive away knowing she had zero legal standing and zero rights in the matter, yet she cried and mourned that child for years and years. no one ever acknowledged her feelings in the matter and how she was essentially that childs mother.

it isnt ok to expect someone else to care for your kids and not expect them to bond with them in the process. that bond is very very real. and the grief of "losing" a child you bonded with even though you didnt give birth to them is also very real.
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amother




Ivory


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 1:26 am
What I could not understand at all is how the mother can get pregnant. So not OK. If she could not take care of her current children she certainly should not have more. And it was due to her negligence in the first place that she had a micro preemie. The dr. warned her to stay off her feet. She had no right to be chasing after kids when her baby's survival was in danger, even if she had to hire help or get chesed help. Totally dysfunctional parents.
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