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Marrying off my daughter - ami
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amother




OP


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 2:13 am
Would love to hear people's opinions on the mother daughter article. ...
Mother nechama overwhelmed with yt prep and wants her daughters help but is afraid to ask.
Daughtrr chevi is newly married and doesn't offer any help because she needs to make sure new husband is comfortable.

Would love to hear people's opinions.
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meme6




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 2:15 am
I felt the married daughter was wrong. And the husband sounds like a needy guy! Sorry you could help your mom if not before Yom Tov then in Yom Tov you don’t need to babysit your husband by the table he needs to figure out life eventually!
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amother




Taupe


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 2:18 am
Thats life! Mother in daughter are both right and both wrong. Each stage of life has its own difficulties and its hard to see beyond your own needs. Daughter seems to have been well raised..helped her mom in the past and seems to have a good idea about her priorities now as a wife. She probably needs to work on marital communication. She can have an open discussion with her husband regarding her desire to keep him happy butnto help her mom as well.
Mom is workimg hard and could use a hand. She should be.proud of raising a daughter who wants to be a good wife. She can gently without any expectation, ask IF her daughter would be able to make time to help because she is feeling overwhelmed.
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Ilana Tamar




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 2:20 am
I think that they are both right. The men and boys in the family need to learn how to pitch in
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amother




Seagreen


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 2:31 am
The daughter shoud be more caring to her mother she lived in the house and knows hw hard her mom works to perpare yomtv. And she can be loving and caring wife by teling him. Mom is killing herself....I gotta pitch in. Stop the newly wrd selfish trend...I was newky wed once also.....Be a mentch. hakuras hatov and kabad es avicha ves emecha is not only when u get gifts and free meals
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gold21




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 2:45 am
The article bothered me

It seemed that nobody considered having a male pitch in

Really.... Confused

The newly married daughter has clearly done a lot in the past in terms of pitching in

There's no reason one of her brothers can't step up the plate

Give her this special time without the usual gender-specfic pressures she's dealt with for most of her life

Boys have the capacity to help too, u know

The fact that the mother ran herself ragged cooking and cleaning, then built up resentment at her sweet up young daughter for not coming to her rescue, rather than simply asking one of her sons to help out... I found that very off putting.

U gotta raise your sons to be helpful husbands, my dear lady. Put them to work.
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amother




Violet


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 2:56 am
I really thought the mother was wrong! you cannot rely on a child for help, she is not your paid help. especially when she is so newly married! give her space and time to bask in that newlywed bliss. why cant the mother get more cleaning help, or have some of the sons put h in, or cut back on some of her extravagant dishes etc. I also thought the father was wrong for egging on the wife that the daughter was unhelpful. the only thing I thought was a little wrong was that the daughter didnt help to clear without telling her mother that her husband is still uncomfortable/shy to be left alone
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amother




Beige


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 3:44 am
amother [ Violet ] wrote:
I really thought the mother was wrong! you cannot rely on a child for help, she is not your paid help. especially when she is so newly married! give her space and time to bask in that newlywed bliss. why cant the mother get more cleaning help, or have some of the sons put h in, or cut back on some of her extravagant dishes etc. I also thought the father was wrong for egging on the wife that the daughter was unhelpful. the only thing I thought was a little wrong was that the daughter didnt help to clear without telling her mother that her husband is still uncomfortable/shy to be left alone


Agree! It annoyed me so much I stopped reading halfway through. iyh the daughter has years ahead of her to cook and clean and cater to her own family, let her enjoy YT with her husband in peace. So annoying.
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Einikel




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 3:56 am
amother [ Beige ] wrote:
Agree! It annoyed me so much I stopped reading halfway through. We don't have children to turn them into slaves- iyh the daughter has years ahead of her to cook and clean and cater to her own family, let her enjoy YT with her husband in peace. So annoying.


Helping a mother who is hosting you for y”t is turning into a slave?! It is normal etiquette for any guest to help the hosts more so if it is your own mother. Speaking from the point of view of the young daughter.
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amother




Beige


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 4:20 am
Einikel wrote:
Helping a mother who is hosting you for y”t is turning into a slave?! It is normal etiquette for any guest to help the hosts more so if it is your own mother. Speaking from the point of view of the young daughter.

True, slave was harsh. Helping a little bit is fine. But bemoaning the lost of your "best friend" and "right hand" was excessive in my opinion. This is life- it is what it is, I don't expect my guests to help and I don't think its healthy to rely on one's children to make it through YT.
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Einikel




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 4:36 am
amother [ Beige ] wrote:
True, slave was harsh. Helping a little bit is fine. But bemoaning the lost of your "best friend" and "right hand" was excessive in my opinion. This is life- it is what it is, I don't expect my guests to help and I don't think its healthy to rely on one's children to make it through YT.


True but I understand the mother emotion isn’t usually logical.
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 4:46 am
I thought her husband was a bit childish in this. He can't understand what a mother - daughter relationship is and it really bothered me why she had ti have such pressure from her husband sounded a bit like her hub was a control freak. I dont belueve in parents mixing in and demand or expect help from newly married but the daughter herself has yo have a bit sense that its only bice she should pitch I n with something like even help clear the table. My dh would push me to give a hand ...
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Yummymummy3




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 5:45 am
All the things that the daughter was saying about her DH seemed to be her thoughts about him. Did she ever ask him how he feels about it? If he would mind if she'd help out a bit? He may have been only too pleased to get to know her brothers a bit.
And for goodness sake, some helping is only to be expected. Not much but yes some basic clearing up etc during or after meals. Her DH could have helped too. They could have done it together if they insist on always being together.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 6:39 am
Use your mouth
Leave newlyweds be
A daughter isn't a maid
A mother isn't a maid
Men can do things
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gold21




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 7:10 am
amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:
I thought her husband was a bit childish in this. He can't understand what a mother - daughter relationship is and it really bothered me why she had ti have such pressure from her husband sounded a bit like her hub was a control freak. I dont belueve in parents mixing in and demand or expect help from newly married but the daughter herself has yo have a bit sense that its only bice she should pitch I n with something like even help clear the table. My dh would push me to give a hand ...


The daughter's husband could have gotten up to help and they could have helped together as a team and spent time together that way.

But she was clearly raised in a culture that believes men should not lift a finger with regards to these things.

So that didn't happen.
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chayamo




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 8:31 am
When I was a newlywed, I don’t think I helped my mother that much, only once I got a little older (and had a few kids to take care of as well) did I help. Probably because at that point I realized what it takes to do all that work, and how selfish I was to not help! Now when I go to my parents, I help cook, clean, set the table, and take care of my kids, and guess what? It’s still a vacation! I’m still doing less than I do in my own home!
My husband has a very hard time understanding children who don’t help their parents. He has never waited for someone to ask him to do something, he automatically jumps up to do what needs to be done. He would gently nudge me when we were newlyweds, “it looks like your mother is really overwhelmed, maybe you should help” (to all those who would say he should help, believe me he does! The second we get to my parents house he is figuring out what needs to be done and doing it )
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amother




Linen


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 8:38 am
Both sounded pretty childish, but the father was the worst imo. Just obnoxious with his angry attitude and expectations of his wife and daughter.
I'm sure it's made up, but a woman in that scenario better start training her son's to start giving a hand ASAP instead of expecting their womenfolk to slave away while they can indulge in temper tantrums.
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amother




OP


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 10:21 am
Interesting lots of people are harping on the father...I think he was just feeling his wife's frustration and taking it out on his daughter.
PersonallyI think the daughter expected that when she got married she suddenly becomes a princess and doesn't have to help anymore. She even said it herself it's my time now let me enjoy it...because all the other excuses she gave as to why she wasn't helping- she was really just using them as a way to justify her need to be a princess...because had she wanted to help out she could have found a way.
At the table she could have stood up with her husband and together cleared up with him. Her mother cleared her fish plate for her and she didnt even get up? Not cool. After the men went to shul she could have helped out instead of walking her husband to shul and then going to shmooze with her friend....
There were moments and she didn't use them. She just wanted to be the princess newlywed that the world serves. And she justified her laziness with excuses.

So that brings me to another point to ponder - are newlyweds entitled to a free pass on the expense of another ? Is the newly wed stage a time to get a free ride even if you are capable of helping? .
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meme6




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 10:26 am
First off regarding the men during the meal I don’t like my boys helping I enjoy them singing but before and after but why should the husband help if the wife is not helping by her own parents! Nothing would have happened if she took in her and her husband plate. Like a poster stated before the walking the husband to shul and then going to a friend sorry going to the friend was also selfish come back home and spend time with your mom. Also she waking. Him to shul is not allowing him to build a relationship either with her father. She’s a selfish brat and the poor mom didn’t even raise her as one
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amother




Linen


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 10:27 am
The mom was venting about how difficult it was in general. Not just for yt. If her husband was really so upset on his wife's behalf, nothing was preventing him from stepping up and helping her. Or getting their sons to do the same. What if the daughter had moved far away and didn't come for yt or only came in late on erev yt after the bulk of the prep? Who would he have gotten mad at then?
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