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Marrying off my daughter - ami
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amother




Violet


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 10:33 am
a selfish brat for walking her husband of a few weeks to shul? if her husband is overwhelmed and not so comfortable in her house she is doing the right thing by putting him first to make him comfortable at this stage. yes she should not have gone to her friend, and she should help clear etc. but for a mother to expect her newly married daughter to come over a day before yt to cook? absolutely inappropriate and unhealthy to be so dependent on your child. the mother is the one who chose to have a big family and she needs to find ways to manage either by getting cleaning help or delegating with husband or not making such fancy meals etc and not be dependent on her daughter to this level! thats just unfair to your daughter
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gold21




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 1:37 pm
meme6 wrote:
First off regarding the men during the meal I don’t like my boys helping I enjoy them singing but before and after but why should the husband help if the wife is not helping by her own parents! Nothing would have happened if she took in her and her husband plate. Like a poster stated before the walking the husband to shul and then going to a friend sorry going to the friend was also selfish come back home and spend time with your mom. Also she waking. Him to shul is not allowing him to build a relationship either with her father. She’s a selfish brat and the poor mom didn’t even raise her as one


Bear in mind that down the road, your sons wives may appreciate some help and may not want their husbands to just sit and sing.

It certainly can't hurt to prepare them for that eventuality.

Not everything in life has to be so gender specific. Does it?
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amother




Linen


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 1:51 pm
Not to mention their sisters becoming resentful when they see their role to mainly be running around with the clean up while their brothers' singing and enjoying the yt meals is put on a higher level. If we want girls to be happy with their role in Judaism (remember that long thread not too long ago) that is not the way to go about it!
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meme6




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 1:57 pm
gold21 wrote:
Bear in mind that down the road, your sons wives may appreciate some help and may not want their husbands to just sit and sing.

It certainly can't hurt to prepare them for that eventuality.

Not everything in life has to be so gender specific. Does it?


The girls help during the boys help before and after. It’s usually split fairly for the meal! And helping doesn’t stop by the meals it’s not gender specific it’s just different roles by the meals.
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meme6




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 1:59 pm
amother [ Linen ] wrote:
Not to mention their sisters becoming resentful when they see their role to mainly be running around with the clean up while their brothers' singing and enjoying the yt meals is put on a higher level. If we want girls to be happy with their role in Judaism (remember that long thread not too long ago) that is not the way to go about it!


Do the girls resent when they finish bentching and leave the table for the boys to clean up. Do the girls resent when the boys prepare the table and they sit on the couch they each do equally just different times
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 2:00 pm
Sometimes in life you have to make the choice that is most ideal when you're dealing with other people who are not making ideal choices. I'm in a challenging marriage and I can guarantee you that my family has no clue. They truly believe that I'm married to a kind, considerate, reasonable man. Since I'm choosing to stay in this marriage, I have to make choices that I wouldn't necessarily have to make if I was dealing with a "normal" husband. It's a very, very tough balancing act.

So, in an ideal world, it's very simple to say that daughter (as well as other children) should help, new husband should be understanding, and mom should give them space to figure things out. But in all likelihood, dealing with humans is going to complicate things.
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amother




Linen


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 3:27 pm
meme6 wrote:
Do the girls resent when they finish bentching and leave the table for the boys to clean up. Do the girls resent when the boys prepare the table and they sit on the couch they each do equally just different times

In my experience, in these homes the boys don't set up or clear up, either.
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meme6




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 3:31 pm
amother [ Linen ] wrote:
In my experience, in these homes the boys don't set up or clear up, either.


Well not in my homes and not anywhere I have gone
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amother




Linen


Post  Sun, Oct 20 2019, 3:37 pm
I'm glad to hear that is your experience. But be aware that is not universal. And that is probably why you are seeing differing view points here. (It certainly didn't seem to be the case in the Ami story.)
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amother




Indigo


Post  Mon, Oct 21 2019, 12:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So that brings me to another point to ponder - are newlyweds entitled to a free pass on the expense of another ? Is the newly wed stage a time to get a free ride even if you are capable of helping? .

Absolutely not in my world.
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DrMom




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 12:54 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Would love to hear people's opinions on the mother daughter article. ...
Mother nechama overwhelmed with yt prep and wants her daughters help but is afraid to ask.
Daughtrr chevi is newly married and doesn't offer any help because she needs to make sure new husband is comfortable.

Would love to hear people's opinions.

I don't get Ami Magazine, so I did not read the article.

But I am wondering what the bolded means. Comfortable doing what? What does she have to do to help him be comfortable? Is she helping him build a sukkah?

Preparing YT meals for many guests sounds like it requires a lot more work vs. whatever it is this daughter has to do for her DH, unless he has special physical needs. Does have some sort of mobility issues (confined to a wheelchair, etc.)?
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chestnut




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 8:16 pm
DrMom wrote:
I don't get Ami Magazine, so I did not read the article.

But I am wondering what the bolded means. Comfortable doing what? What does she have to do to help him be comfortable? Is she helping him build a sukkah?

Preparing YT meals for many guests sounds like it requires a lot more work vs. whatever it is this daughter has to do for her DH, unless he has special physical needs. Does have some sort of mobility issues (confined to a wheelchair, etc.)?

She was helping him adjust/be comfortable in her family, which is new to him (their first Yom tov there, it seems)
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amother




Coral


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 8:33 pm
I was disgusted by all of them. I felt the daughter could have helped at least a bit. In my house all the newly married and also the not so newly married a help. That includes both husbands and wives for the most part. Some are more helpful than others but most ppl pitch in at least a bit.
The mother should have asked her boys to take turns in the kitchen and help her and not resent her daughter. Her sons and husband could have all helped. I also felt that the wife doesn't have to babysit her husband. There is plenty of time to be together and spend time and help as well.
They should have hired help if they needed.
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DREAMING




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 8:42 pm
The mother could and should ask her boys to help. The newly married daughter can help clear or serve a bit. Her new husband hopefully wanted to marry a mentsch
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Simple1




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 9:27 pm
She did say that her husband and boys lent a hand. Although, maybe her daughter used to do a lot more.
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naturalmom5




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 11:32 am
DrMom wrote:
I don't get Ami Magazine, so I did not read the article.

But I am wondering what the bolded means. Comfortable doing what? What does she have to do to help him be comfortable? Is she helping him build a sukkah?

Preparing YT meals for many guests sounds like it requires a lot more work vs. whatever it is this daughter has to do for her DH, unless he has special physical needs. Does have some sort of mobility issues (confined to a wheelchair, etc.)?

This is the funniest post on this thread Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter
The story .. ( I would never pay for Ami, it was by a family we ate by and my son was engrossed in an article in the other Ami mag)
clearly said that chasan was from a very reserved small family, so calla had to protect him from her loud boisterous brothers or the poor shefela would be overwhelmed and traumatized
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amother




Cobalt


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 10:37 pm
What this new young husband needed was a pacifier and then his wife would be able to help her mom a bit...
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Ihatepotatoes




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 11:04 pm
I'm not sure if the writer did this on purpose, but if you notice, the Mother's issue was not getting help BEFORE the meal, and the daughter was trying to rationalize not helping DURING the meal, which I think just underscores the main issue at play here. There's no communication. The mother should ask her daughter for help when the men are in shul, and try to understand that her daughter feels torn about being at her husbands side during the meal, and absolve her of any help at that point. (It would also be nice if the boys actually got off the couch and did something too)
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Einikel




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 11:14 pm
Anyone else felt like the responses last week were taken from here?

https://I.imgur.com/dLmOX8I.jpg
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