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How to do I deal with this type of child

 
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 10:29 pm
My son 10 years old , adorble , smart, he has a tiny bit sensory issues I think.
I have a problem with him that he wouldnt let me TOUCH his payes. I always used to be the kind of mom very on top of how im dressing my kids and they always look just so and clean , neat, somehow this kid is giving me tremendous hard time . He wants to dress the way he likes, his payes is my biggest issue with him. My younger kids and my dh wear their payes behind ears , this one son prefers only in front payes and long . Im just not used to very long payes and its not how we wear it . Actually with my (oldest a teenager now) I have same issue , but till bar mitzvah he always had payes the way my family goes once he reached his bar Mitzvah he decided he loves long payes and keeps growing it , I have no choice just to get used to the look , he is teen-age and just cannot fight it . It does bother me but I know I want him to grow emotionally fine so cant stay stuck with it. So seems like my 10 year old picked up the same likes as his older brother, but he is still 10 and I feel I should have more a say .. he doesnt let me cut his payes, wouldnt let me atleast brush it or curl it nicely, he likes doing it just on his own but when he does it it holds for a short amount and besides I feel its to long to handel. He tantrums away if I wanna cut bit shorter, It bothers me. How to handel? Does anyone experience same ?
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amother




Jetblack


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 10:45 pm
It is very normal and age appropriate for boys not to let touch their payos. I think most 10 year olds take care of it themselves.
Do his friends and classmates have payos in front and he want's to wear it like them?
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 10:49 pm
amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:
It is very normal and age appropriate for boys not to let touch their payos. I think most 10 year olds take care of it themselves.
Do his friends and classmates have payos in front and he want's to wear it like them?


He goes to a very mixed cheider but its considered chassidish, younger boys were behind , older mostly in front so he probably sees his friends wearing in front.
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amother




Burgundy


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 11:10 pm
Seems like he doesn't want to feel out of place between his classmates & wants to be like the majority. Very normal
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amother




Jetblack


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 11:18 pm
If his friends and classmates wear in the front, he probably doesn't wanna feel out of place. I wouldn't make an issue of it.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 11:26 pm
And why wouldnt he let me cut it chin length atleast to look put together, his classmates doesnt wear long long , he doesnt go to ultra chassidish style cheider . He actually has now very decent length but I dont wanna let it grow more then chin length and I know it will be a fight and conflict between us when it comes to cutting it. How can I explain to him to let me take care of his payes??
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amother




Wheat


Post  Tue, Oct 22 2019, 11:56 pm
Choose your battles. This is so not worth fighting over even if your ds keeps his payos long for the rest of his life, which he probably won’t.

When my ds was maybe six he insisted he wanted peyos. He had a chassidish classmate with peyos and thought they were cool. Privately I disagreed, but what was the harm? He wasn’t asking to eat at McDonald’s,kwim? So peyos he had for a while, maybe half a year, maybe a year, until one day he didn’t want them any more. No fuss, no explanation, he just made his decision and that was that.

Your dc will choose their paths that will not necessarily exactly mirror your own. If yes, wonderful, you lucked out. But given the rapid interchange of ideas between different streams of Yiddishkeit made possible by travel, study at distant yeshivos and changing demographics within neighborhoods, it would be remarkable if **any ** of your children ended up observing exactly the way you do with no infusion of any practices from another stream. The sooner you accept this and learn to live with it the happier you will be.
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 12:01 am
Sorry, I don't think you should have a say. I think your son should determine who can touch his body and when, as well as his own hairstyle. Obviously you can offer your opinion once or twice but I think it would be a big mistake to choose this to be your battle.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 1:30 am
amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:
Sorry, I don't think you should have a say. I think your son should determine who can touch his body and when, as well as his own hairstyle. Obviously you can offer your opinion once or twice but I think it would be a big mistake to choose this to be your battle.


THIS. Maybe having longer payos makes him feel closer to Hashem? Why would you take that away from him?

In what way does his payos affect your daily life? Are you worried about what the neighbors will say? How do other people's opinions affect your life?

Unless they paying your bills, pay them fools no mind.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 1:44 am
Thanks for all responses, was quite a help because didnt know how I should look @ it , but seems like I should just ignore it and let him be, wasnt sure how to approach that, thats why I came up to ask.

No its not @ all thst im afraid what ppl would think. Its just something I dislike and I always thought that I will be the mom I will mske all decisions and my kids will be just as mom expects, but I came to realize that thats not the way it works. I have to work on myself tho, to be able to accept my kids the way they are or wanna be.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 1:56 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I always thought that I will be the mom I will mske all decisions and my kids will be just as mom expects, but I came to realize that thats not the way it works. I have to work on myself tho, to be able to accept my kids the way they are or wanna be.


Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

Yeah, right! LOL Children were put on this earth for us to improve our own middos. They make us better people, and are always teaching us.

Look at it this way, would you rather he shave off his payos, skip school, and start vaping? I didn't think so. I bentch you that this is the worst problem you have with your sons, and that you learn to accept that this is part of their avodas Hashem.
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amother




Plum


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:14 am
I have same issue with my son.
He is a cancer survivor. He is 8. He lost all his hair, was bald. Took a year for his peyos to grow back. Now he wouldn't let me cut it & it's just getting longer & longer.
What we do is, Make it short, curled with gel, bobby pins first that it should hold up & then later pull down so it's forward but doesn't appear that long. Problem is he doesn't always let it be made & he doesn't make it himself either, so it looks sloppy when it's too long. I understand his feelings, that finally he has his peyos back & he doesn't want it cut. What can I do? Fight city hall?
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professor




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:27 am
Don't you dare touch my hair I swear
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amother




Honeydew


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:28 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh Laugh

Yeah, right! LOL Children were put on this earth for us to improve our own middos. They make us better people, and are always teaching us.

Look at it this way, would you rather he shave off his payos, skip school, and start vaping? I didn't think so. I bentch you that this is the worst problem you have with your sons, and that you learn to accept that this is part of their avodas Hashem.

This. Excellent food for thought.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 2:51 am
amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:
This. Excellent food for thought.


Im very inspired with lots of replies here. Imamother great place to turn to.
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amother




Jetblack


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 3:35 am
Amother aubergine, she's his mother. He's only 10, of course she gets to have a say. But so does he. And making his payos isn't "touching his body". You're making it sound like OP wants to do something inappropriate to her son. As his mom, she has a say but it's not something worth fighting over. It's most likely a phase that will pass in a little while.
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amother




Ginger


Post  Wed, Oct 23 2019, 3:44 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
And why wouldnt he let me cut it chin length atleast to look put together, his classmates doesnt wear long long , he doesnt go to ultra chassidish style cheider . He actually has now very decent length but I dont wanna let it grow more then chin length and I know it will be a fight and conflict between us when it comes to cutting it. How can I explain to him to let me take care of his payes??


I think he doesn't understand why you want this so badly just like you don't understand why he wants it so badly.
Why don't you sit down with a piece of cake or hot chocolate and talk about why you want it this way and he another. NO JUDGMENT! Don't say: it doesn't look put together or nice this way. Just say I want to understand and I want you to understand why I feel so strongly about this.
My mom didn't allow us girls to cut our hair because she loved it that we had curls and she had always wanted curls. We resented her so much for it. I cut my hair off when I was 15 and it looked aweful but I didn't care I just wanted her to see that I cut it off. Don't make it into such a big deal it's really just hair.
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