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Cant handle teen
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 9:03 pm
Im coming up here on imamother to vent , ask advice , because this is only place I feel I can turn to when im going out of my mind!

Now is ben hazmanim and this time of year gives me the most challenges! going trhough with my ds . He always wants his way out , If he decides something it has to happen regardless if parents would agree to that or not. He was away the entire day today, came home supper was prepared for him he didnt even get yo eat because his social life is more important to him then anything else, he was home playing his guitar 1/2 an hour , then he comes up telling me he is leaving again . He does tell me where he goes , I do try to trust him but being away so much who knows what goes on during any time ... he comes and goes like a 22 year old . I told him before nicely that he was away most of the day and now he should stay home . The woles and the cieling listened to me more then he did, suddenly car is is beeping, he runs out , That has happened numerous times . I keep telling him he needs boundries with for how long he spends outside of the house ... HE DOESN'T LISTEN TO ME !!! Is this a teen-age normal habit? (I dont think it is) I will probably be sleeping when he gets back . How would ppl deal with a kid that doesnt feel he has to ask permission from parents about anything. He keeps spending money for lots of equipments , he orders stuff by himself suddenly it arrives @ my door, its not only this, all his things take up room in my house , he bought something very big that takes up almost entire room , I told him already it has to be out he cant leave it there , so far its sitting there, time will tell when he will clean it away.
Guys, every ben hazmanim my hair gets grayer and makes me older , I need some ideas how to approach my son. I tried already soooo many ways , nothing helps. he wants to do whatever he wants , as long as I dont parent him or deprive him from anything, he is in his best mood and loves me , the moment I start to ask questions or discipline him im the worst parent and I become his enemy . He is 15 I dont feel its safe to let him go come whenever and be out of the house entire day . I basically know where he is though and is a safe place, but how do I know the whole day if he is really there or he goes in between to different places? HELP! it sickens me day by day , just out of hands . He is in therapy the longest time , no progress is happening. How would u treat such a behavior ??
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oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 9:12 pm
You don't mention any consequences just a fear of him having a tantrum. Also, where is he getting all that money from. With that big thing that takes up a room, "Son, it can't be here. Either you remove it by 2 days from now or I will." And do it. Set up a meeting with his therapist to get advice on dealing with him. Have you seen progress from therapy? Are you dealing with a professional? The only way he learns limits is if you make them.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 9:24 pm
oneofakind wrote:
You don't mention any consequences just a fear of him having a tantrum. Also, where is he getting all that money from. With that big thing that takes up a room, "Son, it can't be here. Either you remove it by 2 days from now or I will." And do it. Set up a meeting with his therapist to get advice on dealing with him. Have you seen progress from therapy? Are you dealing with a professional? The only way he learns limits is if you make them.


He works all ben hazmanim, he just got paid , we discussed already that money has to go into bank account, he would NEVER give me or my dh his money we tried mentioning he should give it to us from past experiences and whenever he wants it we will take it out for him if necessary, but he doesnt trust anyone. So this is number 1 problem that he carries around money with him , he is a huge spender!

Regarding the equipment in the room, I will have to remove it if he doesnt take action. I will give him 1 reminder before tho.

how would u handel the comeing and going whenever he decides? I will make up a time now when he needs to be back if he is not back should I tell him I will lock the door ? Like I really dont know how to go about it. My dh in the picture is that he used to be strict in the past, I had felt dh went to wild with him so it always created shulem bayis issues so these day my dh is like throwing it to me that I used to mix in when he took action so he doesnt wanna make me upset so rather he is just not doing anything , now all is left on me to take care .
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oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 9:40 pm
You can't make a teenager do something like stay home when you have no good reason except you want to feel like you have control and you have nothing more interesting happening in the house. It sounds like you are concerned that he doesn't save any money and just wastes it. Unless his boss gives it to you, I don't see how you can force him to give it to you. At the end, he'll just see that he has nothing.
I would work on developing a good close relationship with him. It's the only way you'll have any influence on him.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 9:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He works all ben hazmanim, he just got paid , we discussed already that money has to go into bank account, he would NEVER give me or my dh his money we tried mentioning he should give it to us from past experiences and whenever he wants it we will take it out for him if necessary, but he doesnt trust anyone. So this is number 1 problem that he carries around money with him , he is a huge spender!

Regarding the equipment in the room, I will have to remove it if he doesnt take action. I will give him 1 reminder before tho.

how would u handel the comeing and going whenever he decides? I will make up a time now when he needs to be back if he is not back should I tell him I will lock the door ? Like I really dont know how to go about it. My dh in the picture is that he used to be strict in the past, I had felt dh went to wild with him so it always created shulem bayis issues so these day my dh is like throwing it to me that I used to mix in when he took action so he doesnt wanna make me upset so rather he is just not doing anything , now all is left on me to take care .


Please don't ever lock him out of the house. If you want him to come home, not a good move....
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 9:51 pm
Does he dorm normally? If he's been living away since he was 14, you can't expect too much.

How does he order stuff? He has a credit card? why??
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 10:03 pm
observer wrote:
Please don't ever lock him out of the house. If you want him to come home, not a good move....


I hear that. I see from most of my posts about teen-age behavior responses are: "U have to let them, U cant force" so no parenting or discipline is needed in such a case? Im just asking, he is my oldest and No previous experience. I do try to build and have a good solid relationship with him and I bh it works but that is only when there is no me mixing into his buisness what he does, Sad! A parent is still a parent and rules are set in houses or in life , how will he ever learn . Just to add I do know where he is bh good part is he tells me usually (as far as I know) where he goes , I know because most times I call up and check on him, of course I dont tell him this but I find an excuse to call and this way I can hear where he is , I prey he does only good stuff .
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amother
Wine


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 10:09 pm
I don’t have teens yet but it sounds like he has a lot of freedom and basically no rules.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 10:10 pm
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
Does he dorm normally? If he's been living away since he was 14, you can't expect too much.

How does he order stuff? He has a credit card? why??


No sorry mistake! he did order locally. The guy came to pick up money. He doesnt order online , whenever he wants something from online my dh orders it for him . Online doesnt happen too often . Just recently he ordered something locally which arrived here without me or my dh knowing , then he told us he bought. Like he feels to comfortable to buy himself stuff when he has his own money . Dont know what to do about it. I guess I will have to discuss it with a professional. If he is spending his money once in a or even ywice in the blue I would really not care , here its ongoing thing gor him to keep purchasing stuff.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 10:16 pm
What is he buying exactly???

A teenager needs space and some freedom but you are his parent and he must go by his rules. You should know where he spends his day!
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 10:17 pm
Im not a mom to teens but this sounds exactly like my brothers growing up! And my parents werent free range parents but they allowed this to go on bec boys really are very tied down during the zman so if they want to hang out with their friends and go for pizza and play music in their cars for hours then they let it be. It was really harmless fun at the end of the day and it was their money that they earned doing yeshiva buchar jobs like build sukkah and wash cars pesach time...
My brothers are married and responsible men. Teens do eventually grow up and stop annoying their moms. Spunds like the lack of control u have is really bothering you ...
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 10:18 pm
[quote="amother [ Wine ]"]I don’t have teens yet but it sounds like he has a lot of freedom and

Thats right , he seeks a lot to get his way out . He got used to it @ a very young age like 12 but he became very rigid if we told him whats acceptable and what not . He gets very stubborn when he wants something and we dont agree , he will do it anyway.
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Geulanow




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 10:25 pm
Maybe your husband and you can write down your concerns in an orderly way , like 1. staying out 2. spending and write down a list of why you are concerned or worried. Thank Hashem that you have a son and write down all of his positive attributes. Then have him tell you what his goals are, if any, and what he can do for kibud av v'em to help you with your concerns.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 10:26 pm
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
Im not a mom to teens but this sounds exactly like my brothers growing up! And my parents werent free range parents but they allowed this to go on bec boys really are very tied down during the zman so if they want to hang out with their friends and go for pizza and play music in their cars for hours then they let it be. It was really harmless fun at the end of the day and it was their money that they earned doing yeshiva buchar jobs like build sukkah and wash cars pesach time...
My brothers are married and responsible men. Teens do eventually grow up and stop annoying their moms. Spunds like the lack of control u have is really bothering you ...


Im feeling better now, hope its just a stage and nothing harmful can happen. Somehow I feel boys need 20 eyes over them( which is impossible )hashem should keep right hand on them. Like touching scares me, im always scared no one should ask my son if can touch him. There were plenty of such storys and its scary. I just @ this point feel that its just not in my control what boys do. I try to parent him best I could and I do c good results in him with other things , lots of good parts , but in the area of limits and rules its hard for him to follow up.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 10:52 pm
I’m not the worlds greatest mother, but I have learned to “let go”. I can’t control their lives. I can give my advice and opinion and warn them about consequences. But then I let it go and let them live and learn. My DS 17 earns money and spends it. He’s also out of the house ALL day for 12 hours at a time. I warned him though one day, that if he is not home by 1 am I will call the police. I can’t wait up worrying about him. He’s not doing trouble. He’s busy with his hobby and projects and found people that share his passion and they give him rides to the stores he wants to get to. He started purchasing visa gift cards with his cash so that he could do mail orders or online orders which he asks my DH to sit and order with him. It’s very frustrating. Sometimes he’s literally throwing hard earned money in the garbage. He has a mind of his own and doesn’t listen to my warnings and advice so I stopped with that too.
He decided the yeshiva he was in wasn’t his type and refused to go back for the last year and nothing else is “his type”, so he’s not in yeshiva. It’s HIS headache, to figure out what he’s going to do and how he’s going to find a school for himself. I no longer put in an effort. My DH and I took a step back. He wants to mess up his life...his problem. We do what we can and then we have to let them live and learn the hard way. If he finds a yeshiva he may be interested in my DH makes the necessary phone calls immediately but the responsibility is on his shoulders now. He chose to leave the school he was doing well in and he didn’t have a back up plan...now he gets to suffer the consequences.
He purchases items that are useless or wastes of money ...it’s his money . He gets to see money doesn’t grow on trees and it doesn’t pay to waste it.
Ever since I’ve told him I will call the police at 1 am if he’s not home because I love him and I am concerned for his safety, he makes sure to be home by 9 pm or he comes home with DH after maariv.
Each child is different. I didn’t have these issues with my oldest. I had other issues.
I’m not saying my way is the right way, but this is what I’m doing . It’s the only way I don’t eat myself up and get emotionally drained and exhausted with constant arguing. There is no arguing and I don’t feel pressure because it’s no longer in my control. It’s in his hands now.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 23 2019, 11:05 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
I’m not the worlds greatest mother, but I have learned to “let go”. I can’t control their lives. I can give my advice and opinion and warn them about consequences. But then I let it go and let them live and learn. My DS 17 earns money and spends it. He’s also out of the house ALL day for 12 hours at a time. I warned him though one day, that if he is not home by 1 am I will call the police. I can’t wait up worrying about him. He’s not doing trouble. He’s busy with his hobby and projects and found people that share his passion and they give him rides to the stores he wants to get to. He started purchasing visa gift cards with his cash so that he could do mail orders or online orders which he asks my DH to sit and order with him. It’s very frustrating. Sometimes he’s literally throwing hard earned money in the garbage. He has a mind of his own and doesn’t listen to my warnings and advice so I stopped with that too.
He decided the yeshiva he was in wasn’t his type and refused to go back for the last year and nothing else is “his type”, so he’s not in yeshiva. It’s HIS headache, to figure out what he’s going to do and how he’s going to find a school for himself. I no longer put in an effort. My DH and I took a step back. He wants to mess up his life...his problem. We do what we can and then we have to let them live and learn the hard way. If he finds a yeshiva he may be interested in my DH makes the necessary phone calls immediately but the responsibility is on his shoulders now. He chose to leave the school he was doing well in and he didn’t have a back up plan...now he gets to suffer the consequences.
He purchases items that are useless or wastes of money ...it’s his money . He gets to see money doesn’t grow on trees and it doesn’t pay to waste it.
Ever since I’ve told him I will call the police at 1 am if he’s not home because I love him and I am concerned for his safety, he makes sure to be home by 9 pm or he comes home with DH after maariv.
Each child is different. I didn’t have these issues with my oldest. I had other issues.
I’m not saying my way is the right way, but this is what I’m doing . It’s the only way I don’t eat myself up and get emotionally drained and exhausted with constant arguing. There is no arguing and I don’t feel pressure because it’s no longer in my control. It’s in his hands now.


Wow I so admire u! U really made peace with what is. Your talking about a 17 year old tho, what should I say, mines 15. Sounds just like my son . My son would love to be friends with your son, my son is so that type by age 15 . I had same issue with my sons yashiva he was in , he started off in a top yashiva , couldnt keep up with rules so he couldn't go back , now he is in a yashiva he hates but he knows he chose rather this way. He got many messages before and reminders to accommodate with the yashiva system, he couldnt hold on so we had to place him elsewhere , he knows its a big consequence for him, and were waiting to see some change to beable to switch him back where he was , so far he's made little progress .

If I was to tell my ds im calling police he would give it so back to me, I dont even wanna think!
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 24 2019, 2:50 am
He's a kid. Learning who he wants to be etc. I also had a job, made money, and wasted it on junk at that age. It's part of learning the value of money and having it. Money comes and goes, when he grows up a bit he will be better with it.

As for you OP you cannot control his behaviour but you can set ground rules in your house. Like you can have rules that "When you are living in this house, I need to know where you are and when you are coming home. This is a house rule".

Top Yeshivas aren't always the best. It's a lot. It's overwhelming and you have no free time. Wake up at 6/7 and finish learning at 11pm. Don't look at his new yeshiva as a "consequense" look at it like this is where Hashem wants him to be at this moment, what he can learn from it, how can he make the best of it? What does he want to gain?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 24 2019, 4:16 am
Boys have it so hard. School every hour of the day and night, and working full time on any days off. Let him have a break!

He needs to tell you where he is, and when he's coming home. That's common courtesy, so you won't sit up and worry. If he's going to be late, he needs to call.

Let him spend his money. The natural consequence is that when he wants something and all his money is gone, you will NOT give him more. He needs to understand that money is not an ever flowing river, and the value of a budget. That will only happen when he realizes it on his own, and that comes with maturity.

B'H your son has friends and fun things to do. Boys need "guy time" because it helps build social skills. It's a very important part of getting emotional needs filled outside the home. If his friends are known to be good people, and the fun is innocent, then you can relax.

(As far as touching goes, he should know enough to say "no", he doesn't need you to do it for him. Teaching body safety should start at around age 2, not 15. If he doesn't know right from wrong, then you've got bigger problems.)

I hear stories of young men who get married, and never had that free time. Then once they're married they want to start hanging out with the guys, coming home tipsy, and not being responsible with their money. Thank Hashem that he's learning these lessons at 15, instead of at 20 when there's a new baby on the way.

Rabbi Dr. Ballen says that when you are upset and worried about your teen, ask yourself if deep down, maybe you are actually jealous of them. They have such carefree lives, they don't worry about money, and everything is about fun. Once I looked at it that way, it was a lot easier for me to understand my teen daughter.

As for whatever is taking up so much room, get your DH on board, and deal with it. Hints are not working. Don't threaten, just give him a solid deadline to get it out of the way. Explain to him why it bothers you, and how it impacts your daily life. Be firm.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 24 2019, 5:36 am
I have said that he does tell me usually where he is, I always know where he is spending , he calls me up when he is on way home with taxi , usually will come back lik after 11. About toucing buisness I never have spoke to him before, with my youngsters I did only start not yet a reall discussion, I should better start. I always have and had a hard time to break this topic to them. Can someone reccomend me how to start talking about it especially to my 15 year old ? I feel by now he will laugh me in the face or he will think I dont trust him . I need a sensible way how to bring it up. I feel rather now @ age 15 then never.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 24 2019, 6:11 am
Also many boys of that age are busting their money on drugs, alcohol, and other awful things.
Just to put it in perspective, wasting money on trinkets, gadgets, clothing, and useless items is fairly normal and should be celebrated. Smile
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