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amother




OP


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 2:37 am
My ds feels very uncomfortable when his hair grows big and dh feels that ds wants to shave his hair way to often.

Its a 3rd time from last week my son begging dh to shave him he is uncomfortable, dh refuses and dont wanna shave him. Ds slways wants to shave on number 2 he feels horrible when its too clean like on 0 , dh feels if he shaves on 2 it grows back to fast. Is it worth fighting with ds for this?
I dont feel my dh is right for refusing to shave him . I think dh should be proud that his son wants to go around like a mentch and not with overgrown hair. My assumption is that dh might feel his hair still looks quite decent and not so overgrown as son thinks it is.
My opinion is if ds asks to shave I would give in to this.

Whats your thought on this?

Ds keeps telling my dh he will go to the barbershop if dh wont do it and dh doesnt want him to go to barbershop either. Dh says if he shaving now, he will have to shave on 0 since he shouldn't have to shave so fast again. Dh gets annoyed that ds asks to shave often. Last was when school started (dont remember date ) I would say like 6 weeks ago.
What is the right step to take?
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amother




Yellow


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 2:40 am
How old is DS?
Do all of DS's friends have very short hair?
Did DH grow up in the same environment as DS?

In general I am of the opinion that kids deserve a certain level of autonomy, which includes haircuts (within reason).

However, if you feel that it is a form of rebellion (which I'm not seeing from your post) or OCD (ditto), then there might be reason to refuse.
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amother




Lawngreen


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 2:48 am
You don't tell us how old your son is or whether he and dh are otherwise in conflict, so it's hard to really know.

However my first reaction is, why is this an issue at all? The kid wants a haircut, so let him get his hair cut.
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amother




OP


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 2:59 am
My ds is 14 . He claims he feels more put together when its shorter.
I wouldnt fight for this , I haven't had a chance to discuss it with dh yet since didnt wanna add my opinion in front of my ds.
As of now I dont feel dh is right for refusing and making big deal out of it. Previous time before his haircut, went on same argument. Dh felt he has time and ds wanted to start yashiva with a fresh shot, dh wanted to wait closer to yom tuv.
It bothers me that it has to be conflicts for this.
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amother




Purple


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:03 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My ds is 14 . He claims he feels more put together when its shorter.
I wouldnt fight for this , I haven't had a chance to discuss it with dh yet since didnt wanna add my opinion in front of my ds.
As of now I dont feel dh is right for refusing and making big deal out of it. Previous time before his haircut, went on same argument. Dh felt he has time and ds wanted to start yashiva with a fresh shot, dh wanted to wait closer to yom tuv.
It bothers me that it has to be conflicts for this.


At the age of 14, I would go according to the 14 year old's prefernces all the way. Can you learn to shave him? I know many moms who do it for their sons (chassidish though, so there arent that many styling tricks to know).
Willl DS pay for the barber on his own, if he goes?
IMHO, you should make sure DS somehow or other gets his haircut within a reasonable time of his ask.
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amother




OP


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:04 am
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
How old is DS?
Do all of DS's friends have very short hair?
Did DH grow up in the same environment as DS?

In general I am of the opinion that kids deserve a certain level of autonomy, which includes haircuts (within reason).

However, if you feel that it is a form of rebellion (which I'm not seeing from your post) or OCD (ditto), then there might be reason to refuse.


No ds doesnt have ocd and he goes to a more openminded yashiva then where dh came from.
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amother




Lawngreen


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:05 am
In my experience, no one fights about hair. They fight about whatever is symbolized by hair. So I think the two of them have to sit down and figure out what's really behind this.

It could be that your husband is threatened by having a son who is growing into a man and making his own decisions. Is this child your oldest? As the mother of wonderful young adults, I can tell you that we have a policy of respecting our children's choices, so long as they are safe and halachic. There are so many things they can't control - let them control what they can!
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amother




OP


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:08 am
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
At the age of 14, I would go according to the 14 year old's prefernces all the way. Can you learn to shave him? I know many moms who do it for their sons (chassidish though, so there arent that many styling tricks to know).
Willl DS pay for the barber on his own, if he goes?
IMHO, you should make sure DS somehow or other gets his haircut within a reasonable time of his ask.


Dh wont agree him to pay for barber to do it , Dh feels he wants haircut way to often.

Is 6 weeks later considered to fast ??
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amother




OP


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:12 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
In my experience, no one fights about hair. They fight about whatever is symbolized by hair. So I think the two of them have to sit down and figure out what's really behind this.

It could be that your husband is threatened by having a son who is growing into a man and making his own decisions. Is this child your oldest? As the mother of wonderful young adults, I can tell you that we have a policy of respecting our children's choices, so long as they are safe and halachic. There are so many things they can't control - let them control what they can!


I soo agree to this!

Thing is seems dh has different perspectives...

I dont have the strength to even bring it up to my dh since he will be upset I dont trust him or he will feel im not with him but in the other hand I really dont agree with dh.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:13 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Dh wont agree him to pay for barber to do it , Dh feels he wants haircut way to often.

Is 6 weeks later considered to fast ??


People's hair grows at different rates, and some people are more sensory than others.

My question is, DH seems to be really resistant to helping DS. What is triggering DH that makes him so determined not to help his son do something that is important to him?

IMHO, what your son wants is not unreasonable at all. If you learned how to trim DS's hair, would your DH have a fit?
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amother




Purple


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:14 am
If I would be DH, I would do it within a week of the ask. However, I am not DH, and I don't know why he is being so strong about this. Can you convince him otherwise? How long does the cut take? If it is 5 hours, then yes, once in 6 weeks is a lot, but if it takes a few minutes (as it should), then no, you should be able to give your son a few minutes once in 6 weeks.

If DH cannot see it this way, I would try get to the bottom of why not. What is he generally like?
Another poster asked if others in DS environment have the same length hair as him. If yes, it is very important that you make sure he fits in. Learn to do it yourself, or teach DS to do it himself.
I think you should make every effort to make sure DS fits in and that he gets a reasonable request such as this one granted.
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singleagain




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:22 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ds slways wants to shave on number 2 he feels horrible when its too clean like on 0 , dh feels if he shaves on 2 it grows back to fast.


Hair growth is not affected by how often you cut it. Hair growth happens from the scalp follicles out.

Also hair grows at about at 4.6 yoctometers per femtosecond that's less than an inch a month...
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amother




Denim


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 3:48 am
Once in 6 weeks is normal.
My chassidish boys get haircuts once in 6-8 weeks and definitely if they started out with a #2.

More than that is very much and a huge annoying job at that.
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amother




Crimson


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 6:18 am
Why does it bother you dh so much?! Does he dislike the shaving/is it a laziness? I'm sorry but I think your ds is right
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ra_mom




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 10:28 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Dh wont agree him to pay for barber to do it , Dh feels he wants haircut way to often.

Is 6 weeks later considered to fast ??

No 6 weeks is not too fast. Dh likes to trim his beard and hair every 6 weeks.

It might make sense for you to learn how to cut your son's hair or just give him the $12 for a haircut. A 14 year old shouldn't have to wait until his father is ready to give him a haircut.
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keym




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 10:35 am
In my house, I do all my boys haircuts on a #3. One of my boys has thick curly hair, and he starts looking shaggy and overgrown by 3 1/2 weeks. Another boy has straight hair and can go 6-7 weeks. But by 7 weeks or so they all start really needing a haircut.
6 weeks feels reasonable for me if it's a few minutes haircut.
I would encourage you to learn how to do it yourself to avoid any fights.
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 11:19 am
If you're using a home trimmer machine with the same number all around, DS can learn to do it himself. You can do it too.

Is the issue that dh doesn't want to be bothered to do it, or that he doesn't want it done at all?

Is this the only battle of wills or does dh just need to learn to get his priorities in order?
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 11:27 am
Six weeks is a normal time especially if it's on a #2.

Seems like everything is turning into a fight with your 14 yr old. Seems like parents still want to be in control & he wants to grow up.

Could also be the fight is because your husband wants the number #0 which is more chassidish/frum & your son among his friends feels more comfortable about the #2 setting.

If you will fight him on every shtis, you will lose him completely chas vsholom (religiously) then you will cry & wish he would just shave on a #2 & not have some odd hairstyle.

in many chassidish areas, where people don't use the barber for haircuts, There are people in shul/mikvah who shave the men's hair for couple of dollars.
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Rappel




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 11:30 am
Why doesn't he buy a haircutting machine? It sounds worth it.

DH also loves the velcro-like feeling when his hair is short, and he cuts his hair about once a week. It would never occur to me to be upset at him for grooming himself.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Oct 27 2019, 11:32 am
I think DH is being unreasonable. A haircut once every 6 weeks is not unreasonable.

I would offer to pay 1/2 for barbershop - or maybe DS knows a yeshiva bochur who gives haircuts cheap. Most yeshivas or mikvahs have one. Or Mom should learn to shave hair - it's not hard.
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