Friend's bar mitzvah conundrum

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 11:42 am

I have a dear friend making a bar mitzvah in about 2 weeks in a city a few hours away but people go back and forth all the time. When we first found out about it, my husband said that we'd make an effort to go. I told my friend b4 y"t we were likely coming, but would need accommodations but I had some people I could call but she offered to help if she could and already found us a Fri night meal. Meanwhile, its now less than 2 weeks, I have made a few inquiries and not successfully found a place for us to stay. Meanwhile, my husband realized that its right around when we change the clocks, the simcha is mostly just a kiddush in shul with no official seudah for invited guests and while most of my kids are pretty well behaved, I have one who can be somewhat unpredictable, sometimes good, sometimes very challenging. So my husband has a hard time going away for shabbos in general, doesn't like feeling "on the spot" with one of my kids and feeling responsible. Also, our car while hasn't had anything officially go wrong, does have an issue that could be an issue going the long distance. Finally, my husband and I were planning to go away for Thanksgiving weekend to celebrate our anniversary and he's thinking that to go away 2 times in one month, might be too much. This is a very dear friend and it would mean a lot to me to go, and I know some of her other family members who don't live locally. 1)Is it rude to tell her that I don't think we're up to it? 2)We can come visit once the zmanim get later? On the other hand, I'm a very much "make it work" personality, and do I just "do it?"

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 11:50 am

Raisin wrote:

Is going on your own an option?

I actually did that a few weeks ago for a different simcha--first time I ever did something like that. I think it mostly went ok, but the deal was supposed to be that we'd go together this time. I'm hesitant to go alone again. This city/simcha does have more to offer for my kids, they have technically met the baalei simcha and would be nice to get them to reconnect again.

ShishKabob

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 12:07 pm

I don't see why you shouldn't lay out the cards and tell her. Especially impress upon her that you really do want to come and participate, however, these are your concerns. I think that a good friend will hear you without judging and then see what she can do to accommodate you.
Lots of hatzlocha!

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 1:19 pm

I live out of town, and have made a few bar mitzvahs BH. It is unheard of to invite families for a destination event and not accommodate their housing needs. If she's not having an official day lunch, what are all her out of town guests doing? Eating at the stranger hosts she put them up with?
In any case, I would tell her your plans didn't work out and you'd still love to come if she can find you housing accommodations.