Family has a say in baby names?

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:01 pm

I am IYH planning on trying for kid 3, but my last kids (twins) was absolute hell with my family. They gave me a lot of flack for naming my daughter something I liked versus after random great great grandparents I never knew or met.

Both of my maternal grandparents passed away recently and I’m sorry to say, but they weren’t people I’d want to name after, plus I don’t like either of the names at all.

However, I know I’m going to get pressure and pain from my parents due to the nature of our unhealthy relationship.

I know this is so far in advance but it really worries me. Any advice?

amother

Tan

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I've experienced this as well. What I did was talk it over with my Rav, who agreed that the mother (and father) names the child. And then every time my mother brought up the conversation, I told her that we've discussed it with our Rav and are following his guidance (without revealing what the name was until the kiddush). No matter which way she came at me with this, I repeated the same statement. Till she finally backed off.

Lizzie4

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:07 pm

Hugs. It's not easy.

If you really can't name the name
Or a offshoot/ variation of it.
Or an imaginary offshoot (I'm naming her Shira because Bubby loved to sing)

Then prepare them well in advance.
"Our Rav paskened that we should name names we like, v.s. family names. It's uncomfortable if people get offended so we wanted to let everyone know in advance. "

Rappel

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

"You had your turn already. Smile

Thank you for naming me such a beautiful name. I really love my name, you have good taste. I'm sure Hashem will guide me to name my baby in the same spirit as you did."

SYA

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:09 pm

Hashem gave parents ruach hakodesh in the naming of a child.
It is up to the parents only what they will name their child. The grandparents don't get a say.

Don't discuss names with them, or let on that you will not name for your great grandparents. Just nod and ignore. When it's time to name, if a girl your husband will do it in shul and if a boy it'll be at the bris. Don't worry what others will say. You do what you have to do.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:20 pm

Wow these responses are so validating!

Yeah, I had no idea how bad it would be last time around (was my first kids) and the kiddush and bris and everything were an absolute disaster. I posted on here when it happened, it was very very unhealthy and that drama is unfortunately a factor in my decision for kid 3. Last time we shared at around 10 weeks because it was the first grandchildren on my side, but honestly I want to keep it secret (iyh once it happens) as long as I can without being truly awful. I know logically I shouldn’t let others dictate my life, but it really stresses me out — which is counterproductive to trying to conceive!

amother

Black

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:21 pm

Do not discuss name. Period.
No if it's a boy,if it's a girl... no answer to "do you have an idea...".change the subject!
Parents could suggest names if they are asked for suggestions but they do not have a say on decision!
Decision is up to the parents!

amother

cornflower

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:26 pm

I also didn't tell my parents what I'm going to have, not or girl till birth because I felt I'll have less pressure regarding a name. I also kept on repeating that we don't know yet until last minute. Than I said we discussed it with our rav already and this is what we decided (2 days before kidush)

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:30 pm

I understand you, OP. I have similar worries.

It hasn’t been an issue with previous children because my grandparents were still around, but I know that I will feel serious pressure to name for them next time (iyH). And I do not want to. The difference is that my mother will not harass me, but she would be extremely disappointed and hurt if I don’t name after her parents. I don’t want to deal with that. I worry about this before I’m pregnant!

amother

Ecru

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:35 pm

It's hard when you feel pressure from family. BUT they have no right to dictate what name you use. Ask a shaila already now to ease your mind if you want.
You don't have to tell family you're pregnant until you're ready for it, and you definitely can say you don't know the gender. You can also just say you're undecided about names-ruach hakodesh etc will only know later. You can say asked a shaila about which name to give.
Hatzlacha

little neshamala

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:38 pm

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Did the exact same thing.
Discussed it with our Rav, who totally agreed that we should choose a name we liked even though there were people to be named after and family members expecting it.
Then we just "blamed" the Rav.
Ive never regretted doing it, even though it was awkward in the beginning. I get such pleasure when I call my children's names. And at the end of the day, I felt strengthened. I asked our Rav. I did what was right. And certain family members can choose to do whatever they like, but its not going to change my child's name.
Because as the parent, only I have that right.

amother

Navy

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:40 pm

Every time we have a baby my father makes me crazy about the name. He knows to talk to me when I'm alone with him because DH knows how to shut him up. Till I learnt to say that we're giving a name we like and that he had his chance already.

amother

Wine

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 3:48 pm

Aahhhhhhhh omg!!!!!! Just reading the thread title made my heart beat faster. I just gave birth, and I named my son a name that I do not like, but it was my great grandfather's name. As much as I love the idea of naming after a loved one and keeping their name going, I do NOT agree with PRESSURING AND GUILTING YOUR DAUGHTER into naming after a dude she barely knew, especially when I DON'T LIKE THE NAME.

amother

Bronze

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 4:08 pm

It's horrible when family behaves that way. They have no say and to harass a postpartum mother is just gross. I also know people that gave into the family pressure and hated their kids name so much it affected the relationship they had with the kid. Maybe sit down with your family and say it's your baby and you will be choosing the name. Personally I tune them out and name what I want. And if they can't handle it I take a break from interacting with them until they get over it.

amother

Copper

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 4:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 5:05 pm

I relate to this problem very much.

My mother pressured me immensely to name my first baby after her beloved grandmother, and eventually I caved in. The problem is, I have such a painful and bad association with this name because I was pressured - strong-armed, really - to give this name to the baby that even now, when that baby is almost an adult, I still struggle with calling her by her name. Sad

Instead, I came up with a nickname that has nothing in common with the child’s real name (in either meaning or pronunciation) and have been calling her by this nickname ever since she was born. Sad

It is problematic because aside from the obvious problem of not using her name, our Rav holds very strongly that the child must be called by the real name and not by a nickname. But I can’t do it! Sad

I am writing all this to say that even though I can’t offer you advice on how to deal with this situation - hopefully, you’ll get some good ideas and strategies from this thread - I want to share how big of a problem it can create in the future and to encourage you to not give in to pressure this time around - when you will get pregnant with Hashem’s help.