Do all schools have many mean girls

amother

Purple

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 8:02 pm

It's probably everywhere to some extent, but I do think the level of pervasiveness varies depending on whether a school is willing to admit the existence of a problem and take concrete actions.

In my kid's mixed class of 20-something kids, I only know of one generally mean girl and zero generally mean boys. But I acknowledge that there may be other kids who are more sneakily mean or only mean to only 1 or 2 other kids and thereby fly under the radar. I only know about the one girl because she is mean to a lot of kids and isn't subtle about it.

I don't presume to know the full extent of mean behavior at my kids' school or in my community. I assume it's one of those things like an iceberg or a mouse in the house: whatever amount you see, there's 10 times more that is hidden.

amother

Blush

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:28 pm

Six through eighth grade were the worst years of my life. I was terribly bullied and no one knew. (Or they turned a blind eye.) Arguably, I was a very easy target but it completely shot whatever self esteem I had. it took a long time before I was able to trust people. When looking into schools for my daughter one of the first questions I asked was how they dealt with bullying.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:36 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

When my daughter was bullied I told the school that she is being seen by the

Jewish Board children and family services in our local Brooklyn community and they will get

questionnaires to answer.

You better believe they suddenly wanted to know the names of the cruel girls and what exactly they said and did.

Schools are afraid when there is oversight from a social service agency funded by the State.

Need I say more?

This is not to bash principals and teachers but unfortunately they were the "successful" social butterflies and it is hard for them to understand the pain and suffering of a shy, sensitive soul.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:52 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

I am afraid for my future daughters. They’re gonna be children of geirim and I’m afraid they will be bullied for that and for how they look. I guess I’m gonna have to hide from our children that mommy and tatty chose yiddishkeit.
Regarding appearance I’m short and hubby is tall, and I am much darker that I pass for Sephardi (I’m Mexican) my husband is Hungarian, and our son is a mixed beautiful skin color)
Are schools really this horrible???

No. No. please do not worry. Children get bullied because they are unique.

Both me and my husband are unique... We both experienced being bullied. None of our siblings experienced it (between us there is 24!!!)

Ex: my daughter's emotions always show on her face which is not the norm for an average person...one shrewd, cruel kid poked fun and her face would say "I am uncomfortable and do not feel safe" and they would run up into her face, stamp their feet and laugh!
Fortunately, for her, the principal took charge!! I will forever be grateful to her. May hashm repay her.

My 18 year old son just finished telling how he met a bochur who bullied him in fourth grade and it took him three nights to process the pain out of his system.
My son was a late bloomer, did not talk clearly, was clumsy, broke things by mistake, bumped into people or desks by mistake, did not pick up social cues.
He did social group therapy and individual therapy and the gamut of therapies.
Today he is happy, social, loves loves loves to learn- he is greatly intelligent and is proud of himself. And to top it all of his classmates and family are so fond of him!!

Be proud of your geirus, proud of your girls and the greatest thing to fear is fear itself!!!!!!

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:57 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

Totally off topic, but I'd love to hear which therapy you feel helped your son, if you can share? A loved one in my life fits this description to a T and we're already deep into debt from therapy with very slow results.

eschaya

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:20 pm

My daughter's class (17 girls, oot, HS by now but they've been together since 1st) is the nicest, sweetest, kindest group of girls ever. That being said, her class is known for being especially good. I hear that other classes are not as wonderful. Still, the percentage of mean kids appears significantly lower in my kids school than from what I hear about others. It's a small, very OOT school with a strong emphasis on middos, high teacher/aide to student ratio.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:28 pm

I went to a frum school and oy was I bullied , I wasnt the top student or most confident girl, so of course I was the target. I remember like today... a girl in my class played with hole puncher during class while the teacher left the room for a few minutes , she hole punched a big colored papper , remember the color paper, ( orange.) by the time she finnished poping out all the balls from the puncher , she picked up all the circles from what she punched out, she threw them all onto my head. I remember how shamed I was sitting like a fool with all the mess poping onto my hair . Was insane! I kept quit since I wasnt loud , never shared any of my hurt with anyone, im still struggling with my self esteem. I was bullied a lot. Lots of storys to tell...
bh hashem paid me back with my most wonderful lovable devoted generous Husband. He is my everything!!! Bh

LovesHashem

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 12:04 am

I think there are always going to be some mean girls.
There's always going to be the good studious girls, the quiet girls, the loud girls; etc.
I do believe in some schools there are no mean girls. If you have a small school that really works on this together with the students.

As a whole most school will have some mean girls. The question is if it will be a couple of girls, a clique or two, or the majority of the class/grade.

In high school I would definitely say most of my grade was quite snobby. But I found my own friends and learned to not care and not take things so personally.

amother

Bronze

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 3:38 am

I went to a small school (not in the USA) and while I suffered by not fitting in socially and having no very close friends, most of the girls were very nice. From about 1st until 6th or 7th grade there was a queen bee type who went around creating cliques and excluding other girls and being generally mean. (me, and some others) She was a very bright girl so in 7th grade or so the school admin saw what was happening and switched her to the higher grade. This grade didn't let her bully her and she made one good friend and all was good.

After that I can honestly say there were no mean girls. A couple of girls who were not so nice, but not to the extent of bullying.

I am still in touch with my classmates and we try to meet up occasionally even though we live scattered across the globe.

watergirl

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 3:45 am

Mean girls are a thing. They are everywhere and the things they do wont stop as they mature, it just changes into a different type of meanness.

There are books written on this topic and Hollywood movies... its a thing. Our job as parents is not to protect your children from these girls, it’s to arm them with skills to be resilient, confident, and with a decent self-esteem. Our job as parents is to make sure that our children do not become one of these mean girls. Make sure that you teach your kids to be kind to everyone. Don’t allow them to exclude others. Watch the things that you say because your kids are listening. Model kindness and acceptance. When your daughter has a party and does not want to invite a certain girl, make sure that certain girl is invited.

Read Queen Bees and Wannabes. I’ve heard this author in person, she is outstanding.
Queen Bees and Wannabes, 3rd Edition: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys, and the New Realities of Girl World https://www.amazon.com/dp/1101.....VYMDM

Raisin

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 4:05 am

Re smartphones and social media...this makes everything worse. BH many frum schools don't allow them. The problem is nowadays the bullying can carry on at home. In whatsapp groups or other social media, or kids can post mean videos or pictures.

Kids used to have a few hours a day where they were not in contact with their bullies, not the case anymore.

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:16 am

thunderstorm wrote:

I’m afraid it’s generational. I don’t have my daughter in school. But I never had mean girls in school when I was growing up. My sister’s kids have terrible mean girls and bullying incidents that sometimes get videoed by a girl’s cell phone so I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. A bit horrifying.

I disagree.

My older sister was horribly bullied in the RW yeshivish school she attended as a child. So much so that some 30 years later, a classmate called her to apologize on behalf of that class, and also said that one of the ringleaders is still single and wants her forgiveness. (My sister is B"H a grandmother B"AH several times over. My parents switched her to a different school where there was B"H less bullying. She moved on in life, and forgave the girl but said she had never held a grudge in the first place.)

To define bullying, I remember them calling her names (I was about 4 at the time) and tripping her on the bus. They threw food at her in the lunchroom and then called her dirty. They stole her stuff and hid it. Worst kind of bullying. And shame on that school for doing nothing about it.

My youngest sister said she was mildly bullied in second grade. The teacher sent her to the office on some pretext, and then she gave it to the bullies all the way, and let them know their days in her class might be numbered, that their parents were informed, etc....it was effective, the bullying stopped immediately. After that, she was actually quite popular B"AH.

I think there are bullies, and it can start out small and be stopped by responsible adults before it escalates.

amother

Puce

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:19 am

southernbubby wrote:

What would happen if someone called the parents of the bully and said that every day that their child is absent is a wonderful day for the bullied child so we will daven for more absences?

Depends. Parents cannot control their kids.
When the bullies parents were called things only got worse in school Sad

"Oh so I heard your mom had to call my mom...aw how cute. Did that make you feel good? That people care about you?"

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:24 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can people name locations (cities or schools) that don't deal with this?

My daughters attended Bais Faiga in Lakewood. There was a bullying situation in one of my DD's class, and the school handled it very effectively. They actually brought in a professional to ensure that it would not happen again (because there can be copycat bullies) and the bully was switched to another class and given another chance, with warnings....

The saddest casualty in this particular story was the bully herself. Hurt people hurt people, and this is definitely one hurting young lady.....I don't think she ever got the help she needed from her family.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:27 am

I went to a right wing school in monsey and never witnessed or experienced any bullying. 1 or 2 mean girls here and there, but no real bullying.
I now send my daughter to the same school and BH no issues.
They also started incorporating Bein Adam Lechaveiro as part of the actual curriculum, and actually teaching, as part of the curriculum, social skills, friendships, and what to do if you see bullying.

thunderstorm

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:28 am

I actually witnessed on a video where the bully herself took the video while she egged on two other girls to wrestle each other . She did this with multiple girls while she bullied them in to looking like the “bad ones” while she verbally assaulted them and pressured them , all on camera. But the ones who got in trouble were the ones wrestling and she got off Scott free like she was the heroine in the story...and she started the whole thing. So I don’t even know if the schools know what is truly going on. This happened during recess time at the back of the classroom and there was no teacher in the room. 11 yr old girls.

amother

Puce

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:33 am

thunderstorm wrote:

Exactly. In first grade a few of the girls tried to drown me in summer camp. A counselor happened to pass by and they claimed they were "playing" and when she said our game was unsafe they stopped.