Do all schools have many mean girls

amother

Silver

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 10:39 am

I think it just is. We're adjacent OOT, and some of my girls' classes had and some didn't. One of my dd's was fine in school but had a problem in a camp known for good, wholesome girls. I'm dealing with a group of three right now, and one set of parents doesn't really get it, one is working really hard but having no success, and the third is doing everything she can to get her dd away from the other two. And I have no idea what else is going on in any of their homes. And yes, dd gets teased when she reports anything, but she does it anyway. The school actually really stresses middos and is working, but there is a limit to what they can do.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 10:53 am

I was bullied in high school. The school took it so seriously that I found out later this was the reason they took three classes and shuffled them into four smaller ones.
And it did make a big difference.

amother

Tan

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 10:57 am

Op, I wonder if we send to the same school!
My girls' happen to have great classmates, but I've heard from other parents in different classes, that it's a disaster what goes on in some classes, as well as on some busses

amother

Apricot

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 10:57 am

My dd is in an oot elementary school in one of the younger grades. Her grade has about 36 girls and probably about 3 of them are "mean girls." They aren't especially popular. I'm sure other grades have different proportions. The school does have a lot of programming on healthy friendships, communication, etc. I don't know if that prevents anyone from being mean or possibly just gives the other girls the tools to recognize and deal with it somewhat. The teachers also do a lot of mediation, which I don't seem to remember from my own elementary school days.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 2:57 pm

southernbubby wrote:

What would happen if someone called the parents of the bully and said that every day that their child is absent is a wonderful day for the bullied child so we will daven for more absences?

My parents knew I was being bullied but I never told them who was doing it.
Turns out they bumped into one bully's parents at a PTA meeting and they knew each other from many years ago.

And while catching up they told them how hard it was for me that I was being bullied.

You can imagine what was waiting for me the next day Sad

southernbubby

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 3:32 pm

While schools can't force acceptance, they can punish offenders and bullying Facebook posts can be reported to Facebook.
Parents need to not be afraid to make enemies. They need to demand action.

amother

Puce

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 3:45 pm

southernbubby wrote:

While schools can't force acceptance, they can punish offenders and bullying Facebook posts can be reported to Facebook.
Parents need to not be afraid to make enemies. They need to demand action.

What if you can't prove there is bullying?
How do you impose punishment?

amother

Crimson

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 3:50 pm

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

Totally off topic, but I'd love to hear which therapy you feel helped your son, if you can share? A loved one in my life fits this description to a T and we're already deep into debt from therapy with very slow results.

I do not think you are off topic. The struggling kids very often get bullied.

The title could read "Do all schools have many mean girls who bullysomeone they perceive
as struggling or different?" The mean girls will not bully the coordinated, regulated, social butterflies (in most cases, that is.)

You could email me at yitty967@gmail.com for info.

southernbubby

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 4:18 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

What if you can't prove there is bullying?
How do you impose punishment?

Keep a written log of incidents. Chances are the bully will deny it. Sometimes the victim provokes it. Tell the teacher to try to observe what is happening.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 5:34 pm

My experience with a couple of Jewish schools, is that the richer the girls are, the meaner they are. They know that if their parents are paying full tuition, that nothing is going to happen to them. It's always the poor kids who get bullied the worst.

When DD ended up having to go to a public school (to get away from the mean girls) she came home one day and said "Mama, why are the non Jewish girls so much nicer than the Jewish ones? They have much better middos!" I didn't really know how to answer that one, but it's a very sad commentary on the behavior of many privileged kids these days.

Amalia

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 5:50 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

When my daughter was bullied I told the school that she is being seen by the

Jewish Board children and family services in our local Brooklyn community and they will get

questionnaires to answer.

You better believe they suddenly wanted to know the names of the cruel girls and what exactly they said and did.

Schools are afraid when there is oversight from a social service agency funded by the State.

Need I say more?

This is not to bash principals and teachers but unfortunately they were the "successful" social butterflies and it is hard for them to understand the pain and suffering of a shy, sensitive soul.

Your daughter is fortunate that you knew about this way of handling bullying and making sure it stops. I never heard about this before I read your post.

amother

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:07 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

I disagree, my kids are well dressed, have many friends, do very well academically and yet the mean girls bully them.

amother

Apricot

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:11 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Totally not the case in my kids classes. The mean girls were either poor or of moderate financial means.

groisamomma

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:48 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I find the opposite to be true. Our frum kids are not perfect but no way no how can anyone say public school kids have better middos. Not even in the most upper class districts. I see it in the public middle school I teach in every day. It's truly horrifying.

Saying our frum kids as a whole have worse middos than public school kids makes me wonder what kind of school your dd was in that public school was better with regards to bullying.

sarahmalka

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 8:08 pm

My kids are in a small OOT school. Less than 10 kids in my middle schooler girl's class. There is a bullying problem at our school in several grades, especially girls but also boys. The administration is aware but some of the teachers seem to be clueless (or willfully ignorant bc it's hard work to stop bullies, especially girls subtle stuff). It's bad enough that I know at least 2 kids who have switched schools and we plan to pull out DD soon. It's disillusioning and heartbreaking. I think it's much harder with small classes where there's nowhere to escape for the bullied child.
I grew up going to large public schools and bullying existed there too. But my high school was an elite small private school with many wealthy families and almost no bullying problems there, but in some ways I do see the validity of FFs observation about full-tuition paying families having kids that seem to get away with more. In the cases I've seen it's more that the families are very well connected, have deep roots in this city for generations, rather than a moneyed issue.

Last edited by sarahmalka on Tue, Oct 29 2019, 9:24 pm; edited 1 time in total

dancingqueen

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 8:25 pm

watergirl wrote:

Mean girls are a thing. They are everywhere and the things they do wont stop as they mature, it just changes into a different type of meanness.

There are books written on this topic and Hollywood movies... its a thing. Our job as parents is not to protect your children from these girls, it’s to arm them with skills to be resilient, confident, and with a decent self-esteem. Our job as parents is to make sure that our children do not become one of these mean girls. Make sure that you teach your kids to be kind to everyone. Don’t allow them to exclude others. Watch the things that you say because your kids are listening. Model kindness and acceptance. When your daughter has a party and does not want to invite a certain girl, make sure that certain girl is invited.

Read Queen Bees and Wannabes. I’ve heard this author in person, she is outstanding.
Queen Bees and Wannabes, 3rd Edition: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys, and the New Realities of Girl World https://www.amazon.com/dp/1101.....VYMDM

OT but both the movie and play Mean Girls are based on that book. So funny if you are ok with movies.

Chayalle

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 8:30 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

And I've seen the opposite as well - kids from not-at-all-rich homes who need to put others down in order to feel good about themselves.

There was a bully in one of my DD's classes who comes from a really simple home, and is one of many siblings. She got some girls to join her (they always get henchmen) and put down anyone she viewed as a threat to her leadership.

She was moved to a different class and B"H toned herself down.....

southernbubby

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 8:41 pm

Public school back in my day meant both bullying and zexual harassment. I did go to a high school teacher about a boy who wouldn't leave me alone and she observed it and intervened.
When I was in the 8th grade, I always ran to get a seat in the non-smoking section of the school bus and a huge 11th grade male juvenile delinquent, pushed me down which caused my big toe to break. He threatened to do it again and his parents refused to do anything and the school couldn't do anything. He probably ended up in jail eventually.
So I would say that public schools and poor people have their fair share of bullies.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Oct 29 2019, 8:57 pm

frantic frummie, I pay full tuition. the kid who was nasty to my smart, pretty, friendly daughter in preschool was a teachers' child.... a substitute teacher told me she saw it and it seemed specific to my child, shes not sure why. the teachers did try to intervene but my dd knew she wasn't liked...

today a different child had an incident with another classmate in class (different school) also staff child. I think both these children has other issues but I could say it's staff kids who are the worse... not sure if thats true or not...