Should I just accept what is and be easy ?

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:14 pm

My ds 15 is very independently type of child, Im just not used to it. I dont have older kids so need to check in if its normal. Lately he started living in his own world without feeling the obligation that things need to be discussed with a mother, like his going out coming back is not anymore discussed or asked from me . He calls himself cars to take him but he doesnt even feel its necessary to ask or discuss with me and Im really @ lost . He has depression now because he is not happy with his yashiva , he really does not wanna hear of going back , As of now thats the only option . Onless he will be home untill another yashiva is found, which can take weeks and months .so he doesnt wanna talk to me much to me since he himself is stressed.
I feel that he is stepping over boundaries too, like he smokes I ask him many times politely please to just do it outside and not anywhere in my house area , He still does. He had a friend over today and after they were gone out I felt the smell very badly coming my way (very uninvited)and I told him many times that im "extremely sensitive" to sharp smells he shouldnt do it. smell just makes me sick! I have very strong sense of smell. He just ignores me . Im soooooooo highly stressed out !!! Anyone has anything to add or guide or support me in any way??

P.s. when he goes out I mainly know where he goes which is a good thing , he doesnt make me sit worried not knowing where he is . Thanks goodness that with this he is good and he goes to good places , but isnt discussing timing when he will be back which freaks me out. It really bothers me, it bothers me too that he doesnt ask me "ma can I go.... " he just leaves and comes by himself whenever he decides . How should I go along with this??

amother

Jade

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:27 pm

You sound upset and disturbed by a few things that your son is doing. And it also sounds like he is going through a rough patch. I hesitate to say this because I don't want to minimize your feelings or hurt you in any way... But he kind of sounds normal regarding the leaving the house to hang out with his friends. I mean he's already 15, he shouldn't really have to ask Mommy can I go. He sounds like a big mentch, letting you know where he'll be going so you know where he is and won't worry. The fact that he doesn't tell you when he's coming back... I mean if he's meeting up with friends and the conversation just goes and he's enjoying, I think that's pretty normal, no? At least, my 16 yr old son does that during bein hazmanim, and I kind of think its OK. I mean, yeah, its annoying that its late, but its part of being a parent and I'm happy he's having a nice time with friends and I know where he is. I'm sorry about the yeshiva placement and the smoking when you ask him not to... Just keep trying I think. And asking kindly and thanking him when he remembers. Life is tough for our boys sometimes.. Heck, its tough for all of us sometimes!

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:35 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

Glad to hear that its normal. im sooo not used to this . I was growing up with brothers myself but dont remember this ever be .guess things, mentality, has changed since I was a kid @ home.

BetsyTacy

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:39 pm

I don't think I live in your world but I can't imagine any world where a 15 year old smokes with his parent's knowledge and then refuses to smoke outside but instead pollutes the air of the home, and this is considered to be even remotely acceptable.

Maybe this needs to be in a yeshivish or chassidic forum?
Are the rules different for this in the yeshivish or chassidic world?

Of course there are 15 year olds who smoke in the jpf/mo world. But they sneak around and do it behind their parents' backs. They are not smoking in the house.

ellacoe

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:39 pm

There is a happy medium. While it is important to give children independence it is also important to set boundaries and teach them consideration. You might ask him to let you know when he is going out and when to expect him back. It is not unfair to ask him not to smoke in the house. You want to teach him the basics of consideration for others. If he can come and go freely at 15, he will have a hard time later in life living with flat mates, or answering to a wife. And while it is important to acknowledge that he is frustrated and going through a hard time, and convey that you understand that, it is also important to teach him that one must be a mensh at all times.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:40 pm

dankbar wrote:

I think now bein hazmanim all bochurim dissapear in morn for shachris & you don't hear from them only when they get hungry maybe?

Dont get me wrong, im very happy they occupy themselves and are having a good time . Now is the time, once yashiva starts the'l be back to serious business. I let them use up their fun! Problem sucks in @ night when they forget they need to go to sleep . Im long asleep when they decide ti come in and think bed.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:42 pm

BetsyTacy wrote:

This isn't the way things work in my yeshivish circles.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:44 pm

BetsyTacy wrote:

Btw we are both in therapy, theripist keeps saying its a new trend , he tells me A LOT do it , and I know , I c it around here. My son does it with his friends. My son picked it up somewhere, his parents diesnt smoke. He goes to a litvish yashiva . Lots of smoking unfortunately, that I started to accept without choice , but in my house , thats already bad !

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:50 pm

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I find all the responses here so interesting.

It's regular in your circles for teenagers to just call a car service to take them somewhere without asking first? Who pays for these cars?

And regular to just smoke in the house??

Doesn't sound like she's overreacting at all.

I brought up a couple of times that it does bother me and asked for guidence because im freaking out.

What does over reacting supposed to look ??? Im stressed indeed. What now?

sequoia

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:54 pm

BetsyTacy wrote:

THIS

I went to a secular school and some kids smoked, but they concealed it from their parents!

And in the house? That’s beyond the pale.

dankbar

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 9:56 pm

All these things are clearly power struggles with the parents. No he should not be off who knows where & smoking in the house. If he has no yeshiva or job he has no reason to go to sleep early, because he doesn't have to wake early in morn.

It seems that she opened a couple of threads, where she thinks he is 5 not 15 & every little thing is turning into a fight.

How he is spending his time, money, when & what he is eating, when he is getting a haircut, getting upset at his collections possessions etc. If it's all same OP.

Part of chinuch is to let them grow up to be mature responsible adults, chinuch is not about controlling every move of your adult children & make every last decision for them.
If OP is chassidish in just 3 yrs she will be listening to shidduchim for him, where he will need to be a man on his own, taking care of his wife.

No the things he is doing is not normal, but becomes normal in such situations.

She needs a therapist, to know when to back off & give him his independence where he can make his own decisions & when to not give in. to him & keep her rules.

The way it seems headed now is downward. If he is actually going where he says he is, is wishful thinking....

They both need help to sort themselces out. Special circumstances, require different approaches, which she needs professional help to guide her.

The situation is not normal anymore...on both ends.

amother

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:09 pm

dankbar wrote:

First of all your mixing me up with other threads. Thier were other threads I came up with but not all that u mentioned , hair cut... mixing up.

2ndable we dont do shiddicim so young , were hiemish not coming from such a chassidish circle.

3) I know exactly where im coming from and asked for guidance, and everyone has different thoughts and coming from different perspecrives . It seems here like everything is a fight , but its not so much as it seems. we dont make a fuss on every move, but when I do have a concern I bring it up to ask advice .

I'll tell u a big secret: lots of theripist's are there to be able to put bread on their tables , they dont know much what they doing or talking. Of course u need to find the right one, but its a process , sometimes a waste, these days im figuring out things by myself or reaching out where I feel I can be heared or listened or feel someone really knows how to guide me .

amother

Apricot

Mon, Oct 28 2019, 10:30 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is indeed a very big secret!!! Wish more people would realize this!!!