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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:12 pm
DS is in 6th grade and very into money and gifts. He participates in a local learning program for pre-Bar Mitzvah boys who get $100 each year if they come enough times. With my birthday approaching, he decided that instead of getting me a present, he wants to take me out to dinner and pay for it with his money.
I'm torn. On the one hand, it's really nice that he appreciates all that I do for him and wants to show it by taking me out on my birthday, just the 2 of us. It's not like he needs the money or has it earmarked for something specific, as we're B"H able to give him what he needs and get him presents for his birthday and Chanuka that he enjoys throughout the year.
He also loves to go out to eat and wishes we would go out more often, so he will definitely enjoy the experience as well. He also can sometimes be quite selfish, so we try to encourage him to be giving and think about others as much as possible, and definitely don't want to discourage him when he came up with it on his own.
At the same time, it feels weird to have him take me out and spend his hard-earned money on something so transitory, but the other gifts he came up with and mentioned to DH it seems like were not on target, so this is the best we've got.
What would you do if you were in my situation?
Also, if you would let him take you out, the next issue is where to go and what kind of budget is reasonable. We're obviously not going to a steakhouse, but he's already enthusiastically presented me with 3 options, a milchig place that would probably come to $30 with tax and tip, a fleishig one that would be more like $50, and a nicer one that could come closer to $70. I definitely wouldn't go to the most expensive one, but while I'm tempted to just go for the cheaper place to let him feel good and save his money, I honestly would have a much better experience at the middle (fleishig) option. WWYD?
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amother
Aquamarine
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:16 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | DS is in 6th grade and very into money and gifts. He participates in a local learning program for pre-Bar Mitzvah boys who get $100 each year if they come enough times. With my birthday approaching, he decided that instead of getting me a present, he wants to take me out to dinner and pay for it with his money.
I'm torn. On the one hand, it's really nice that he appreciates all that I do for him and wants to show it by taking me out on my birthday, just the 2 of us. It's not like he needs the money or has it earmarked for something specific, as we're B"H able to give him what he needs and get him presents for his birthday and Chanuka that he enjoys throughout the year.
He also loves to go out to eat and wishes we would go out more often, so he will definitely enjoy the experience as well. He also can sometimes be quite selfish, so we try to encourage him to be giving and think about others as much as possible, and definitely don't want to discourage him when he came up with it on his own.
At the same time, it feels weird to have him take me out and spend his hard-earned money on something so transitory, but the other gifts he came up with and mentioned to DH it seems like were not on target, so this is the best we've got.
What would you do if you were in my situation?
Also, if you would let him take you out, the next issue is where to go and what kind of budget is reasonable. We're obviously not going to a steakhouse, but he's already enthusiastically presented me with 3 options, a milchig place that would probably come to $30 with tax and tip, a fleishig one that would be more like $50, and a nicer one that could come closer to $70. I definitely wouldn't go to the most expensive one, but while I'm tempted to just go for the cheaper place to let him feel good and save his money, I honestly would have a much better experience at the middle (fleishig) option. WWYD? |
Tell your son thank you and how sweet he is to want to take you out to dinner! Go to the fleishig restaurant that you like and enjoy some bonding time with your son! Enjoy these days when he wants to spend time with his mother and not with his friends! Now go and enjoy!!!
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Stars
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:16 pm
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I didn't read the last paragraph but you are way over thinking this! Let him! It'll be a beautiful experience for him and for you.
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ra_mom
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:27 pm
Tell him how excited you are to go with him to the medium meaty place and just close your eyes and enjoy! This will be such a rewarding experience for him, watching you enjoy yourself, getting joy from giving! Imagine what this can do for his future life. Having this positive, pleasurable giving experience will surely color his marriage and parenting in future years for the absolute good! His wife will thank you so much in years to come.
He came up with this idea himself. Nurture this part of him!
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shmosmom
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:29 pm
This is a really good and interesting question. Wondering what people will respond.
At first I thought it's his money his choice, and by allowing him to spend it in this manner you're teaching him real life experience (making own budget/ financial choices).
On the other hand I was thinking I'd probably not love having my 12 year old spend $ on me.
I'd probably end up letting him do it and order something cheap, and keep second guessing if it was the right decision.
By him already suggesting places it sounds like he's really into the idea though.
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amother
Aqua
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:31 pm
That is the cutest thing I have ever read in my whole entire life.
Make sure to take pictures!
Happy birthday!
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amother
Cobalt
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:31 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | DS is in 6th grade and very into money and gifts. He participates in a local learning program for pre-Bar Mitzvah boys who get $100 each year if they come enough times. With my birthday approaching, he decided that instead of getting me a present, he wants to take me out to dinner and pay for it with his money.
I'm torn. On the one hand, it's really nice that he appreciates all that I do for him and wants to show it by taking me out on my birthday, just the 2 of us. It's not like he needs the money or has it earmarked for something specific, as we're B"H able to give him what he needs and get him presents for his birthday and Chanuka that he enjoys throughout the year.
He also loves to go out to eat and wishes we would go out more often, so he will definitely enjoy the experience as well. He also can sometimes be quite selfish, so we try to encourage him to be giving and think about others as much as possible, and definitely don't want to discourage him when he came up with it on his own.
At the same time, it feels weird to have him take me out and spend his hard-earned money on something so transitory, but the other gifts he came up with and mentioned to DH it seems like were not on target, so this is the best we've got.
What would you do if you were in my situation?
Also, if you would let him take you out, the next issue is where to go and what kind of budget is reasonable. We're obviously not going to a steakhouse, but he's already enthusiastically presented me with 3 options, a milchig place that would probably come to $30 with tax and tip, a fleishig one that would be more like $50, and a nicer one that could come closer to $70. I definitely wouldn't go to the most expensive one, but while I'm tempted to just go for the cheaper place to let him feel good and save his money, I honestly would have a much better experience at the middle (fleishig) option. WWYD? |
Talk to the cashier or manager and ask him to split the bill and give you your share privately.
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groovy1224
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:33 pm
That is really so adorable and sweet. Go with the middle option, and discreetly drop some extra money in his savings account that assuage your guilt.
Any enjoy your date with your son!!
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Amalia
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:37 pm
| groovy1224 wrote: | That is really so adorable and sweet. Go with the middle option, and discreetly drop some extra money in his savings account that assuage your guilt.
Any enjoy your date with your son!! |
That’s a great idea. Plus what ra_mom said.
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amother
Natural
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:37 pm
| amother [ Cobalt ] wrote: | | Talk to the cashier or manager and ask him to split the bill and give you your share privately. |
This is what I would do.
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amother
Seagreen
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:38 pm
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Accept and go to the cheapest place, no question about it.
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amother
Burlywood
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:43 pm
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I envy you for having such a son! Let him take you out. I know you feel bad for him to spend this money but he wants to and it will crush him if you don’t let him.
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FranticFrummie
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 6:44 pm
Graciously accept, and go to the middle place. It's not about the money or the food, it's about how he wants to have quality time with you, as well as showing gratitude for all you do. Don't take that away from him!
Add a bit to his savings account, and let him feel like a "man" for the evening.
Congratulations on raising such a mentch, may he bring you continued nachas!
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amother
Pumpkin
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:00 pm
That is the most sweetest thing. In a world of kids thinking only about themselves and what they deserve to get this is so refreshing. You must of done something correctly to bring up such a gentleman.
I would go to the middle of the road one and secretly put money in his pocket someway.
Happy Birthday!!
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amother
Sapphire
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:12 pm
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I would act all thrilled and thank him profusely but then I’d tell him that I wanna pay for it
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imasinger
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:23 pm
What a great kid!
I'd say, "let's compromise, I'll pay for the meal, you pay for our drinks and dessert."
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Cheiny
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:45 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | DS is in 6th grade and very into money and gifts. He participates in a local learning program for pre-Bar Mitzvah boys who get $100 each year if they come enough times. With my birthday approaching, he decided that instead of getting me a present, he wants to take me out to dinner and pay for it with his money.
I'm torn. On the one hand, it's really nice that he appreciates all that I do for him and wants to show it by taking me out on my birthday, just the 2 of us. It's not like he needs the money or has it earmarked for something specific, as we're B"H able to give him what he needs and get him presents for his birthday and Chanuka that he enjoys throughout the year.
He also loves to go out to eat and wishes we would go out more often, so he will definitely enjoy the experience as well. He also can sometimes be quite selfish, so we try to encourage him to be giving and think about others as much as possible, and definitely don't want to discourage him when he came up with it on his own.
At the same time, it feels weird to have him take me out and spend his hard-earned money on something so transitory, but the other gifts he came up with and mentioned to DH it seems like were not on target, so this is the best we've got.
What would you do if you were in my situation?
Also, if you would let him take you out, the next issue is where to go and what kind of budget is reasonable. We're obviously not going to a steakhouse, but he's already enthusiastically presented me with 3 options, a milchig place that would probably come to $30 with tax and tip, a fleishig one that would be more like $50, and a nicer one that could come closer to $70. I definitely wouldn't go to the most expensive one, but while I'm tempted to just go for the cheaper place to let him feel good and save his money, I honestly would have a much better experience at the middle (fleishig) option. WWYD? |
I believe you should accept his gracious offer but you should go to the cheapest place possible so that it costs him as little as possible. Express your gratitude and praise him a lot, and that will teach him the lesson that it’s the thought that counts, not the amount of the gift/how much he spends.
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Cheiny
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:46 pm
| amother [ Cobalt ] wrote: | | Talk to the cashier or manager and ask him to split the bill and give you your share privately. |
Disagree. It’s dishonest, and will be taking away the pleasure of the son, as he would surely find out, or notice the bill is too low after he sees the prices on the menu.
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amother
Wheat
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 7:57 pm
I would not split the bill with the cashier discreetly. he is old enough to read a menu with prices he will surely figure it out. its part of the experience for him, a night out with mom but also a chance to feel like a man and study menu options and prices- calculate the totals. The only thing id do is have your husband approach your son as if they are conspiring together, have your husband give him a 20$ bill or however much dessert will cost and say I want to be a part of the birthday present can you get her and yourself a dessert from me as a surprise? and you can keep the change ... he is entrusted with the extra 20.
go to the 50$ place and just enjoy! Let him feel the pleasure of having treated you!
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ra_mom
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Tue, Oct 29 2019, 8:01 pm
| Cheiny wrote: | | Disagree. It’s dishonest, and will be taking away the pleasure of the son, as he would surely find out, or notice the bill is too low after he sees the prices on the menu. |
I agree that it will take away from his pleasure and will affect how he remembers this. He is 12 years old and you won't be able to get this past him. Just let him enjoy it. I know you are worried about him spending money. But that's part of his pleasure, to treat you, and if you want him to associate giving with joy then give him this experience that he so wants.
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