Feeling guilty about not working

amother

Thu, Oct 31 2019, 2:42 pm

I'm wondering if anyone else feels guilty like I do. DH is the working spouse in the house, I'm a SAHM. We're covering our monthly bills BH with very little extra. But really not much. I'm not working but still find myself always busy with things around the house, appointments for the kids and the typical day to day tasks of a mother running her home and taking care of her family. Is my daily life rushing, huffing and puffing? No, but as I said before, there's always something to do. Now, when my children were young and still at home, the idea of going out to work was non existent. Now that my youngest started school, I have this guilty feeling of I should find a job, help bring more money into the house to help DH in that way. I feel guilty spending money on myself (no extras ever, just even the minimum like a top or outfit I need here and there). I think, if I'm home not helping with the finances, maybe I shouldnt be spending money on myself (again, read extras). I"m not talking about the stuff I really need. Or, if one of my kids need something and I see it cheaper even say for $5 I will walk who knows how far to save $5 because I'm not working and feel guilty spending some extra dollars . Anyone with me?

amother

Babypink

Thu, Oct 31 2019, 3:45 pm

It's a Mitzva to feel guilty. You ought to sit on the floor every day for a full hour and just focus on how privileged you are. You should maximize this time by reading the full Yom Kippur Vidui and cry with every sentence. And when you bring your kids to their doctors' appointments, please bring a Tehillim with you and daven for all the wealthy women of the world who have nothing to feel guilty for.

tichellady

Thu, Oct 31 2019, 3:48 pm

What is the guilt there to serve? Do you need a push to get a job? Do you need a push to change your financial situation? Do you need a push to accept your financial situation and embrace it? Do you need a push to recognize that this is what’s best for your family? Only you can answer these questions since none of us know what’s best for you and your family

amother

Thu, Oct 31 2019, 8:12 pm

OP here, thanks for the replies so far. To answer the last question, the guilt is that maybe I should be running to work so that we can live a bit more comfortably, so that DH doesn't feel like he's not providing enough for us. He's trying hard but we weren't zoche to be blessed with a lot of wealth. Every other woman I know or wife of DH's friends is doing something to bring in some sort of income. I hate it that the way of standard life today is that it became accepted that woman work. I know in the generation before mothers stayed home with their children, even if all were in school. There was plenty (and still is) to do while they were away. Now if you argue that that's my problem that I shouldn't let that peer pressure get to me, I hear you. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like they're not fulfilling their roll of an "ashes chayil" by not running to work at the first opportunity. I keep thinking, why can I not feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do; be a mother to my children, provide what they need and leave the financials to DH. It's like I feel like that's not enough in fulfilling my roll as a wife.

amother

Yellow

Thu, Oct 31 2019, 8:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I worked up until my latest child was born and I have these feelings as well your post makes me want to have an honest conversation with my husband regarding his feelings towards this. He b”h brings in parnasah that covers our expenses with some extra for the occasional vacation or night out to eat . He works hard and he does stress about financials ( I think he would even if we were wealthy it’s just his personality).

Sewsew_mom

Thu, Oct 31 2019, 8:21 pm

I'm a sahm and have little kids. For 2 years I didn't have any kids home and was busy every. Single. Day. Am I the best mom? Doubt it... But doubt I'd be a better mom if I was pulling in a measly few dollars... Enjoy your life whatever u choose to do. No reason to run around like most people do. Theyre chasing their own tails. If your not happy home or the few dollars income would make a world of a difference than Def look into something you can handle.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Oct 31 2019, 8:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Your husband will still feel like he's not providing enough for your family whether you work or you don't (if the family isn't living the lifestyle that he wants).

You are feeling like you are feeling because you are different from all of the women that you surround yourself with.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Oct 31 2019, 8:28 pm

I work full time, sometimes from home, sometimes I travel in to the office and I have full time help as I have small children. I am thinking about taking a leave for a few years and then re-entering the workforce in a different capacity. I feel very strongly that each person needs to enjoy each stage and enjoy what they are doing. If you are feeling guilty about not working, you could try a very, very part time job and see if it fulfills you. But, if you do not need a job outside your home for fulfillment and rather you are comparing your situation to other women that work, then that is a different situation. Try not to compare or judge, but just to be honest with yourself.

bigsis144

Thu, Oct 31 2019, 8:30 pm

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

This is literally what I’m in therapy to work on getting out of my head - that just by being a SAHM I am a lazy, privileged woman.

This voice tells me my kids aren’t special needs “enough” (no medical needs, just behavioral/psych issues), that I am a bad wife (#1 for making DH work hard and be fully responsible for making money and contradictorily #2 for not training DH to help with household tasks and child care so I could get a job instead of pampering him by doing everything at home myself??)...

LittleDucky

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 12:47 am

Have you discussed this with DH?
Do you feel guilty because how you think he feels? What you think he wants?
Going back to work is a decision the two of you should make. The more you do out of the home, the more he has to do in the home (or the less he has to expect. No more 3 course dinners if you can't do it).
Have you priced out expected salary/positions? Is the money "worth it" (do you get more breathing room in the end or do you break even with not being able to shop sales, convenience cooking, costs of working like clothing etc).

How do you define yourself? Do you not feel fulfilled at home? I am not judging either way. Some people sweeping and folding laundry gives the, peace. Others need to be out and say "I completed X project at work". Different personality types. How do you define aishes chayil? You brought that term up in regards to the need to work- but that could mean being home and taking care of all those needs that someone has to do (assuming you aren't sleeping and reading magazines all day. You sound busy and doing stuff for the family).

amother

Ecru

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 12:58 am

Am I the only one that thinks - go get a job! None of your kids are home for heavens sake ...you surely have some extra time. Your drowning in guilt that your not pulling your weight - so pull it! And you wont feel the guilt. Get a part time job it doesn't have to be a run you self ragged job. But st small a few hours a week should help. Subbing jobs even which are not on a set basis . Subbing in a school office etc...whatever you like to do. What's stopping you from working?

amother

Sienna

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 8:29 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Sorry I agree with this. I work full time and I still have little kids, it used to be that I worked just to cover basic bills; today Bh DH is doing well but I still work in order to save for our children’s weddings, retirement, etc. In my mind staying home is a luxury and as much as I’d love to cut back I won’t do it until we reach a certain specific number where I won’t feel guilty staying home and still signing my kids up for extra curricular clubs or whatnot.

STMommy

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 9:04 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

I agree, although I would have said it more gently. I think the reason you are feeling guilty is because, yes you have things to do, but you're being honest with yourself that now that the kids are out of the house, you have down time...or you're accomplishing things at a much slower pace than needed because you have time on your hands. I think a small part time job that doesn't take over your life will make you feel accomplished, take away your guilt, and maybe give you some cushion so you can shop conveniently and not run yourself ragged crossing the neighborhood to save five dollars.

amother

Beige

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 9:07 am

Well is your guilt justified? Why do you feel guilty ? Because you know you have time for work and everything else? Then do it. If your kids are all in school and you feel like you need the extra money, there's no reason not to get a job. Yes it will be more stressful but your husband might feel like you're lifting off a mountain off his shoulders.
If you really feel like you can't handle a job.. then there's no reason to feel guilty.