Feeling guilty about not working

amother

Salmon

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 9:37 am

I feel exactly the same way. I worked all throughout my children's infant and babyhood and then was near collapse and my kids were suffering. I finally stopped but its been a few years, and I really am sometimes bored and we could use the extra money. But then I think about juggling the therapy appointments, everyone's checkups at the eye dr., orthodontist, dentist, etc., and making yomtov and I get so overwhelmed. I know that now after yomtov its quiet for a few weeks, but I just want a little breathing space. I think I feel guilty because I *could* work, but I have a hard time finding the strength again and I know that so many women successfully do what I did - work like crazy - for longer than I was able to stick it out.

amother

Green

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 9:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Every other woman I know or wife of DH's friends is doing something to bring in some sort of income. I hate it that the way of standard life today is that it became accepted that woman work. I know in the generation before mothers stayed home with their children, even if all were in school. There was plenty (and still is) to do while they were away. Now if you argue that that's my problem that I shouldn't let that peer pressure get to me, I hear you. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels like they're not fulfilling their roll of an "ashes chayil" by not running to work at the first opportunity. I keep thinking, why can I not feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do; be a mother to my children, provide what they need and leave the financials to DH. It's like I feel like that's not enough in fulfilling my roll as a wife.

You should not make this into an abstract ideological thing about cross-generational standards and household roles. Who cares what is "enough" to fulfill the role of wife, much less what was enough decades ago. You have your husband, not "a husband."

Think about the concrete. Is your husband a mensch who is working hard to contribute to the household (including paid and unpaid work)? Is he overloaded? Could you relieve some of his stress? How much of his stress could you relieve without becoming overloaded yourself?

Any normal empathetic person will feel guilty watching their spouse suffer if they could reasonably help them. Of course, you shouldn't push yourself to exhaustion either. But you should decide how much effort to make to earn additional income purely based on you and your husband's needs and capabilities. And whatever your kids need. Not on some standard of what is enough.

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 10:21 am

I was a SAHM for 10 years when my kids were young. OP you should make a budget with your husband (we use Dave Ramsey's Every Dollar app--free version) to track where your money goes. Realize that when you're home, your grocery and restaurant expenses are probably much lower. Also there aren't childcare issues that arise when kids get sick or there's a snow day. For us, those costs went way up when I started working. I was also very stressed and exhausted from my job and not as emotionally available to be a wife and mommy. Now BH I have a better work situation, but those are things to consider before taking a job. Maybe you would consider doing babysitting in your home so you're still able to put up supper and take care of certain homemaking things but be earning money.

We have in our budget a certain amount that each spouse is allowed to spend on whatever they want without having to tell the other spouse about it. I learned that from my mother who went from being a popular teacher to a SAHM and found she didn't want to be "asking permission" to spend on herself. It's really not a lot - $65/month - but helped me a lot.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 10:57 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP here, I do not want to go to work. I feel my job is to be home and welcome my children when they come home from school and see them off in the morning. I'm very fine with doing housework and the regular mundane every day things. I don't need to feel accomplished sitting behind a desk working. DH would like me to get a job, because why not? Extra money is always welcomed and appreciated. I would not get extra cleaning help which would mean coming home and finishing the housework at night. But thanks for the suggestions and replies.

Does DH want you to get a job, because 'why not?' Or because he's struggling to meet the financial demands of your family? If it's the 2nd option, then yes, I feel you are being very selfish by not working.

No one said you have to work very full time. You can take a part time job to ease the burden from your DH and still be there for your kids when they come home.

amother

Green

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 11:28 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

After reading this post, it doesn't sound like you feel guilty at all. It sounds more like you have disdain for your husband's expressed preference ("because why not") and you posted here hoping that other mothers would take your side.

imorethanamother

Fri, Nov 01 2019, 2:39 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Am I the only one that thinks - go get a job! None of your kids are home for heavens sake ...you surely have some extra time. Your drowning in guilt that your not pulling your weight - so pull it! And you wont feel the guilt. Get a part time job it doesn't have to be a run you self ragged job. But st small a few hours a week should help. Subbing jobs even which are not on a set basis . Subbing in a school office etc...whatever you like to do. What's stopping you from working?

Yes, I agree. It will help with finances, with your self-esteem, and you can be privileged to give more tzedakah with it! If it doesn’t take away from your kids why wouldn’t you work?

amother

Violet

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 1:30 am

I work f/t and I am not home to send off and welcome my kids home. I am not at all promoting this, but I feel my family is doing much better because al pi derech hateva, we never have to stress about money. We are extremely far from rich, but I feel that kids have so many 'needs' today, it is important for the entire family's peace of mind to have plentiful income. I plenty tell my kids and myself no because I don't want them spoiled rotten, and I want to parent them right, but I feel that being able to say yes, and finances not coming into the picture when saying no, is a very important part of my parents.
If my DH would be earning well above our spending level, I would probably work p/t for extras and to put away for marrying off children, retirement (which is way more expensive than youngsters imagine) etc.
If your DH is working and NOT earning very generously, I think you should think long and hard about a job you can do p/t that you will also enjoy. I'm sorry, but I think that in today's day and age, unless you're mega comfortable, a mom who doesn't have little ones at home should make an effort to contribute to household expenses.
If I have another child, I am definitely planning to cut hours iyH to spend time bonding with the new baby, so this is not about a belief that its ok to leave your kids for long hours at a time without thinking about their well being. This is about not downplaying the importance of the peace of mind which comes of a generous income.
I'm sorry if this is insensitive to ppl who are working very hard, long hours and STILL not making enough money to have peace of mind. I know there are people like that, and with expenses way beyond the norm, its a tough world. This post is just my thoughts about doing the best we can to minimize financial related stress.

amother

Forestgreen

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 7:53 am

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

Haha exactly what I was thinking ! I just don’t understand the other comments where people were writing not to feel guilty . If you feel guilty, then just go get a job ! You’ll feel more productive also !

amother

Khaki

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 10:47 am

OP, I didn't read the entire thread, but did read all of your posts. This is a complicated issue. I don't think it matters what previous generations did, because the fact is that we live in a very different world. Due to a variety of factors, it was completely possible for a family to live COMFORTABLY on one income in the 50's and 60's, and still have money for vacations, retirement, a nice house, etc, etc, etc. This is no longer the case. Neither does it really matter what "everyone else" is doing now. What matters is what works for you and your family. It sounds like your family is okay for money (but of course everyone could use more money.) You prefer to stay home, but DH wants you to get a job now that all the kids are older, and you feel kind of guilty about staying home.

Ultimately it's up to you to decide what to do, of course. But I wonder if you couldn't find a job that you really enjoy that was only part time? I really didn't want to go to work, but my DH was pushing for it, and an opportunity came up to work as an assistant in a preschool with 2 and 3 years olds. Now, I still kind of resent DH changing our agreement, but I really enjoy my job, and these kids brighten my day! You mention that you wouldn't be fulfilled with a desk job (neither would I - I have tried!!!) but there are a LOT of other options. Food for thought:)

Whatever you decide, I don't think that guilt should play a part, UNLESS your family is hurting for money more than you let on.

amother

Coral

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 10:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

A woman does not have the responsibility to earn a living. You didn't have to volunteer for Adam's curse. You already fulfilled Chavas.

Just because everyone is doing it doesn't mean it's a good idea. It's good for teens to have available and attentive mother. Develop some hobbies and interests like gardening, fish tank, learning seforim.

amother

Beige

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 10:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Okay so he does want you to get a job. That's probably why you feel guilty. Because you could squeeze in a part time job and your husband wouldn't have such a hard time being the bread winner and having all the financial responsibility.
You don't want to get a job. Well he doesn't want you to be a SAHM. Why are your wants more important than his? No wonder you feel the need to justify being at home by looking at what was the norm in the 1940s.

amother

Violet

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 2:29 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

You have analyze the pros and cons.

Bear in mind that as a SAHM you are SAVING money on work related expenses:

More Taxes
More Cleaning Help
More buying frozen food/take-out
Need a Professional Wardrobe that must be dry cleaned
Transportation costs
Less time shopping for metziahs, DIY projects, etc.

There is a yiddish saying that a good balabusta is half a parnassoh.

Also, not all women are super-women who can "do it all". You have to know
what makes sense for YOU.

Yes, weigh the pros and cons, but alot of these assumptions are ridiculous.
It's ridiculous not to work so you shouldn't pay more taxes. Its like staying in poverty level so that you can collect food stamps. Don't cage yourself into limitations.
I work f/t.
No cleaning help. (just lesser expectations)
No frozen food and takeout. (just simple, but healthy and filling)
Nice, decent wardrobe minus the dry clean. No hefty price tags.
Maybe transportation costs, but do your math and make sure you come home with significant savings. Maybe you can walk, maybe there is public transportation that doesn't eat up a lot of time.
No time to shop for more than what I really need, so I save more than spending all day looking for metzias. Ditto for DIY.
Today's days, you need both. The good balabusta and the working one.
I'm not saying you need to be supermom, but working p/t if all of your kids are in school should be doable for most healthy moms.

amother

Khaki

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 5:35 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Uh ... if you're losing money by going to work, you shouldn't go to work. That typically only happens when you need to pay for childcare. OP's kids not home all day, so she shouldn't have this problem. As for the above list:

Taxes: roughly 25% of your wages will go to taxes - this number is very variable, of course. You should check if a potential part-time job would put you & DH into a higher tax bracket, but even if so, you will probably still be making money.

Cleaning help, higher food costs: Do you really think you will need cleaning help? Many don't. Working part time still leaves you with time to clean. These are both things that really depend on what kind of person you are. Are you really busy busy busy all day long - so much so that working 3-4 hours a day will make it IMPOSSIBLE for you to cook and clean? Could you just relax your standards a bit? Or will you really be miserable?

Professional wardrobe: There are very few jobs (if any) that require a wardrobe that needs to be dry-cleaned. Even most clothes that say "dry clean only" can be washed in a machine and laid out to dry, with the exception of good quality suits. I do thrift shopping, and easily picked up a new wardrobe for less than $100, with zero dry cleaning.

Transportation costs. I don't know where you are, but in NYC, taking public transportation is $5 dollars a day. That is 1/3 of an hours pay at minimum wage. That's pretty cheap. I walk home, so only $2.75 for me:) (Added unexpected benefit - I get more exercise because I walk home!). If you are OOT with only one car and no public transport, than transportation becomes an issues, and local jobs (that you can walk to) or work from home jobs become your most viable options.

Less time for shopping for deals, DIY projects, etc.: Yeah, that's true. This is location dependent, but DH and I do our shopping on the way home from work.

I'm not trying to convince you to go to work. You need to decide if it makes sense for you. When I was home full time, I found myself with a lot of free time, and kind of bored. I am actually happier working, although, as I mentioned before, I am still sort of resentful of DH because he broke our agreement ... and my situation is totally different from yours in many ways, so I'm not trying to tell you what to do! Me being out of the house 5 hours a day is good for me, and makes a decent amount of money, even though I am only making minimum wage. We don't have cleaning help, and we both do the shopping (and we REALLY shop for deals! DH sits down every week and finds the best deals from the fliers!) You an your DH need to sit down and hammer out all the pros and cons. Maybe try it for 6 months, and see how it goes.