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Feeling guilty about not working
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urban gypsy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 04 2019, 8:54 am
amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:
Seems clear he is not comfortable with below otherwise she might be working outside the home for pay, not in the home doing essential things for no pay.


Yeah, I was speaking rhetorically. OP should clarify to make sure she didn't misunderstand or project something he didn't say, but based on what she wrote, seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Mon, Nov 04 2019, 9:01 am
Sorry, did not realize you were speaking rhetorically. By the way, my neighbour has a bumper sticker: “Every mother is a working mother.” (unless they are neglectful.)
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Mon, Nov 04 2019, 9:10 am
OP do you really think all working mothers have absolutely no problem with the added stress working brings? Do you really think they just juggle all of the tasks that SAHMs take care of, after work, without nary a care? That they work because they enjoy being pulled in all directions?

No.
We work because we feel a responsibility for the physical and emotional well-being of our children.
We assessed the situation, saw that we need more income, and instead of saying "but thats the man's job" and having our children lacking, we got up and went to work.

Now here's the only thing you need to do.
Assess your financial situation.
Determine if you are making enough to cover the physical and emotional needs of your family.
If it is enough, you dont have to feel guilty.
If it is not enough, then please help out with the situation.

And im not sure of your exact finances but if by any chance youre not making enough to pay full tuition, then please realize that that means people like myself, who bust their tushes all day long, have no cleaning help, hardly any money for extras, make ourselves crazy to pay our full tuitions....are actually paying for your tuition. Im trying to be gentle as I say this but ive been so frustrated about this recebtly so please forgive me if this sounds harsher than intended....Because we officially get charged more, at full price, than the cost of the esucation for my child, because as the tuition board said "we charge extra $ to cover the cost of those who cant afford". As a working mother, I really dont appreciate having to foot the extra cost of your tuition, because you dont want to work, even though youre just as capable as I am....

If youre making enough to pay your kids tuitions, and whatever else they need, no guilt necessary.
But if youre not....then take a deep breath and please do what you have to do.

Good luck with your decision.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Mon, Nov 04 2019, 11:42 am
PaperDoll wrote:
I happened not to appreciate being told that bc I went to college and I have a Masters I must work....
I always wanted to work, always knew I wanted to help, but to be told I MUST?????
Let me telling something honey, in other cultures like Spanish for example, men have 3 jobs sometimes just so they can take care of their families and not have the woman work...

Good for you for being superwoman... congrats on doing it all.. way to judge others Not worthy Not worthy Not worthy Not worthy Not worthy Not worthy Not worthy Not worthy


This is going off on a tangent but I have to respond. No need to get snarky ‘honey’. Disclaimer: I think I’ve made it clear that my opinion is always based on financial necessity, if you are struggling financially on just one income.

The fact that you went to college and have a Masters makes it all the more vital for you to work - assuming you have student loans the premise is that when you start earning you’ll pay them off. How else will they be paid? Also, some people say it’s not worth it for them to work because they make so little it doesn’t cover childcare. But if you have a Masters you should have enough earning potential to significantly impact your family. Personally I put DH through college, if he wasn’t working full time now I would be furious - why struggle to put him through college if he’s not doing his part now when he has the earning potential? (Bh this isn’t the case)

Re your example about Spanish cultures, how well do you see that working out for them?

At the end of the day I work not because it’s fun to juggle it all but because I’m a mature adult who accepts responsibility. And nothing makes me angrier than supporting people on government programs, tuitition assistance, etc. while the wives live leisurely. Don’t want to get into that conversation but if DH is pressuring you to work you obviously need the money, regardless of the way things used to be, how they are in other cultures, or anything else - what matters most is your family. Sorry I’ll never understand it.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Nov 04 2019, 12:16 pm
Whoaw, ok. We pay full tuition, no breaks. We pay full everything! Like I said before, DH is earning enough to cover our monthly bills with barely any extras to put away for a rainy day. Like a previous poster said on a different thread, in todays day it's become the norm for the mother to be doing the father and the mothers job in the home. And in some homes, the father is not taking over enough of the mothers responsibilty so she can juggle a job outside the home. GRRRRR.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Mon, Nov 04 2019, 12:37 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Whoaw, ok. We pay full tuition, no breaks. We pay full everything! Like I said before, DH is earning enough to cover our monthly bills with barely any extras to put away for a rainy day. Like a previous poster said on a different thread, in todays day it's become the norm for the mother to be doing the father and the mothers job in the home. And in some homes, the father is not taking over enough of the mothers responsibilty so she can juggle a job outside the home. GRRRRR.


So then it simply boils down to whether or not you guys are ok with not having any savings/money for future, simchas etc

If youre happy with it, then fine. Carry on.
If not, pitch in.
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meyerlemon44




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 04 2019, 1:21 pm
amother [ Coral ] wrote:
Used to be men and women lived in different spheres. My husband does not in fact help in the house at all.

Personally, Chava curse is enough for me. I don't need Adam's .


There was a short time in the 20th century in America where middle class women didn't work, but all throughout history women worked. They sold the extras from the vegetables and produce they grew or raised for their home, or created textile goods at home. The idea that women didn't have to earn money in the past is a very recent thing.

Edited to add: The first autobiograph in the world was written by Gluckel of Hameln, a Jewish woman in the 17th century who wrote about how she travelled all over Europe to help run the precious metals and jewels business she ran with her husband.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Tue, Nov 05 2019, 6:33 am
Yes, this thread is indeed frustrating! Because kudos to those who work outside/inside the home for pay, and kudos to those who take care of their families, and save money by not hiring services (cleaning, food, household organizers, house repair people, sewing, tutoring, therapy) out, and don’t work for pay. Sometimes mothers who take care of their families full time and do not work for pay don’t need those extra services! Some husbands are very opposed to their wives working for pay, and having a foreign nanny the house instead. Not every husband wants a wife to earn money and feels that this is “doing her part”.!!! Every situation is so different that we cannot judge!!!!
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Tue, Nov 05 2019, 7:53 pm
Op I can so relate... Im young, married two years with 2 babies and yes I stopped working and am currently a sahm. I am looking for part time though hopefully something will come up soon. But the HEAT I got from most people was just so.. hard. Barely out of my teens with two kids, working 9-5, a DH that works all day and is in college when hes not working, was just too much. Living on a tight budget as you described means (for me) feeling guilty when you need anything new. However, having been in both situations now, all I can say is you have to see what works for u and your family. Sometimes after deducting the expenses that you get with working (more cleaning help etc.) you are left with almost nothing. And sometimes its not enough to be worth the effort and so much added stress that comes with it. Main thing whatever you do, do it happy no guilty feelings attached. (Talking to myself) Sending you lots of hugs..
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amother
Rose


 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 5:29 am
I was also a sahm mom for 12 years ( after I had my first) then about 3 years ago when my youngest at the time was already in school I finally found a pt office job close to my house . 3 months after I took that job I got pregnant with my now 2.5 year old. I Had a baby and made 2 sons bar Mitvahs in the 2.5 years I worked . What did Hashem do this past January? From one minute to next without any prior warnings I was fired!!! To say I was shocked is an understatement . So now I’m back to being a sahm mom .. it’s not easy financially. The small income I had brought it really made a difference especially when I was making Simchas .

I would love to find another job like that but it’s not easy so for now we’re also struggling and I know this is what Hashem wants from me . It was not easy working with a newborn and coming home to a family to take care of but at the time I did what I had to do .
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amother
Orange


 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 6:49 am
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
OP do you really think all working mothers have absolutely no problem with the added stress working brings? Do you really think they just juggle all of the tasks that SAHMs take care of, after work, without nary a care? That they work because they enjoy being pulled in all directions?

No.
We work because we feel a responsibility for the physical and emotional well-being of our children.
We assessed the situation, saw that we need more income, and instead of saying "but thats the man's job" and having our children lacking, we got up and went to work.

Now here's the only thing you need to do.
Assess your financial situation.
Determine if you are making enough to cover the physical and emotional needs of your family.
If it is enough, you dont have to feel guilty.
If it is not enough, then please help out with the situation.

And im not sure of your exact finances but if by any chance youre not making enough to pay full tuition, then please realize that that means people like myself, who bust their tushes all day long, have no cleaning help, hardly any money for extras, make ourselves crazy to pay our full tuitions....are actually paying for your tuition. Im trying to be gentle as I say this but ive been so frustrated about this recebtly so please forgive me if this sounds harsher than intended....Because we officially get charged more, at full price, than the cost of the esucation for my child, because as the tuition board said "we charge extra $ to cover the cost of those who cant afford". As a working mother, I really dont appreciate having to foot the extra cost of your tuition, because you dont want to work, even though youre just as capable as I am....

If youre making enough to pay your kids tuitions, and whatever else they need, no guilt necessary.
But if youre not....then take a deep breath and please do what you have to do.

Good luck with your decision.


And I stay at home because I feel a responsibility for the physical and emotional well-being of my children.
I'm a much calmer, happier mother when I stay home and for me - and some other SAHMs - that is a priority, over having money for extras.
Not everyone can manage both. Every person is different and needs to assess the situation for themselves.
I get the vibe from SOME working moms that they feel if we can do it so can you. How do you know this other woman's situation?! Do you know her energy level? Mental or physical health, or any other contributing factors.
If you working moms feel a responsibility to work, go ahead. I have nothing against you. But please don't make OP feel guilty.
And OP, you should not feel guilty. The only thing you need to do is have an open conversation with your husband and explain what the trade off will be (And there is a trade-off. No one can do everything. Even high energy moms) and decide together if it's worth it.
Good luck.
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simcha123456




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 7:02 am
I’m on the both sides of this. I feel a tremendous amount of guilty every single day that I’m
Not working. My husband works on commissions only. Things haven’t been easy at all. I’ve worked full time for the last ten years, I got married and still worked, had a baby and went back to work after I gave birth. This year, bh my baby is now 9.5 months; j didn’t go back to work...not because I have the luxury it staying home, there was issues with my job I was at for so long, and I wasn’t able to go back.
Don’t get me wrong, or see this as a complaint...I love being with my baby so much, but it kills me so much that I can’t help my husband provide. I’m trying to look for work, anything to bring in a few dollars. To some, a few dollars isn’t anything but right now for us every little thing counts. We’ve never been in a situation this difficult financially before. I don’t even know how the rent will be paid this month bc we are still behind on last months. Family helped us out tremendously, but now they can’t. I know my husband has to look for a salary based job, and he’s trying but it’s not easy these days.
I’m trying to find any type of work, but I don’t have extra money for childcare...so I would either have to bring my baby with me or do something from home.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 7:03 am
Well said!! (Last post from “Orange”.)
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