Morning madness | Imamother

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

Morning madness

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 3:47 am

Here goes. We have 3 delicious toddlers that I’m super grateful for but they sure know how to make a mess. Let’s not discuss the extent of the messes (it usually takes more than 30min to clean up) or how to childproof/ systemize for them. Not interested on a chinuch lesson on this specific forum. Many mornings they wake up and upturn xyz. They know they shouldn’t, they have charts etc. it makes my husband really mad and he loses his temper at them. It gets a bit extreme with yelling and rough behavior (no hitting thank g-d). They end up feeling bad for themselves and husband is upset that he loses his temper. I would like to mention that he is generally a really great husband and father all around.
He feels terrible about it (I do my best not to make him feel guilty but I try to be supportive of him and the kids). He’s too embarrassed to try to get help.
What would you do? How can I help him help himself? He’d like to change but can’t seem to control it.
Your gentle advice would be greatly appreciated!

dankbar

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 3:57 am

Take out the camera & snap pics of the cute troubles & messes your cuties are creating! Ah the memories! That's the only way you'll survive! lol

amother

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 4:04 am

dankbar wrote:

Take out the camera & snap pics of the cute troubles & messes your cuties are creating! Ah the memories! That's the only way you'll survive! lol

Yes. I do. I’m ok. Just for the husband. Does this sound functional to you? He’s concerned that if he keeps getting (Very) mad at them when they do something wrong he’s going to ruin his relationship with them.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 4:08 am

How old are the kids? How rough does he get?

Lizzie4

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 4:10 am

The only solution is to wake up when they do.

You cannot get angry at kids for being kids. It is not normal to yell at toddlers. It's just not.

Take turns and wake up and watch them so you make sure the house stays in one piece.

Not only is his getting angry not good it's also not effective and quite frankly useless.

It might make him feel better to let out some steam, but it does absolutely nothing for the situation.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 4:16 am

Kids make messes when they are unsupervised and don't have anything else to do. Obviously you can't be with them every second, but you can have a regular routine so they know exactly what they are doing now and what comes next. Keeping them engaged cuts down on messes and creates a generally calm atmosphere.

And no, a house with toddlers in it can't be a museum. If it's immaculate, something is wrong.

amother

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 4:21 am

Thanks for your responses! Still not looking for toddler tips, but how to help husband overcome his anger. He wants to change. He’s too embarrassed to seek help.

Lizzie4

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 4:27 am

Personally, I don't think your job is to help your husband work on his anger.

He can seek help for it by himself, if he is motivated to do the work and change.

Your job is to protect your children from your husband's anger, whether it be waking up with your kids, intervening - trying to stop him from getting angry (husband, why don't you go to your room for a few minutes) ,

myname1

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 4:48 am

I think it depends on the extent of the trouble the kids are getting into and the extent of the non-hitting roughness. You said your husband is embarrassed to go for help- maybe he can read books on anger management? If the kids are making beyond-normal trouble, I think that's a more appropriate issue for you to address. It's normal to get frustrated by kids going totally wild and causing damage. How are they able to do so much damage? Why is that their goal? I know you don't want this advice, but seems like a much more natural fix.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 6:41 am

You seem to think that the morning situation is not related to his anger. But if this is the only time he regularly loses his temper, then I would think that tey are very much connected.

Losing your temper is often a sign of feeling out of control. When the morning routine is under control, it's likely that he'll be able to cope.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 7:01 am

I have a similar situation with dh. I know you don't want to hear this answer, but the only solution in your ability is to prevent the mischief before it occurs. In my home, I know my dh's triggers and I make sure the kids don't do those kind of things- or I make sure to handle it before he sees...

amother

Babypink

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 7:41 am

I don’t understand. 3 toddlers wake up and go make huge messes in the house. So where are you and your husband during this time?

If you’re not doing so already: you need to wake up before they do so you are ready to engage and supervise their play. Toddlers shouldn’t be free to play on their own. Messes aside, it’s not safe.

If you are supervising and this is still happening, you need to figure out a system. Monday: coloring. Tuesday: mega blocks. Wednesday puzzles. Whatever. Figure out a way to keep it somewhat contained.

Your husband’s reactions sound over the top and honestly are very concerning to me. Lashing out at toddlers can happen of course but it should be very rare: these are babies. Where are you when your husband is losing his temper with your babies. Your babies need to feel that they are safe and protected by you

amother

Yellow

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 7:57 am

I'm buying this book now 'Raising Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice' by Sarah Chana Radcliff, on Amazon. I have no idea if it's good, but it's got great reviews. Hopefully it can give my husband and I tips on how to not raise our voices at the kids. Maybe it can help your DH too.

amother

Jade

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 8:18 am

My DH's anger issues have been helped a lot by the following:
Medication (Lexapro is what he's on)
Mindfulness based stress reduction class that he took in person but perhaps he can find books or online videos
Getting enough sleep
I know he read some Jewish books too, I'll find out later bli neder when he's home from shul

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 8:23 am

Sorry, I don't think your husband is at fault. If he wakes up to a mess once, he's not happy. If he wakes up to a mess every day it's maddening.
Why do you think it's normal for kids to turn the house upside down?

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 9:17 am

https://www.google.com/aclk?sa.....c%3D1

amother

Bisque

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 9:29 am

I really feel for you.
Can you reach out to a therapist or parenting mentor as a couple? since you say he is embarrassed to ask for help but does acknowledge need to change which is very encouraging can you take it as it is "your" issue that you want to get help with this and he is more in a supportive role as it needs to be a consistent team effort to get the results you both need. And to get to the stated goals including better relationship.

in the meantime I would research who I want to go to for help as described above. and then you can get him on board in a non threatening non judgmental non embarrassing way. You can be the parent understandably looking for help and best way to manage three lively toddlers and he is on board for consistency. Also s/he can normalize expectations. Like focusing on the solution rather than his "anger issue." Focus on the light rather than the darkness. Increase the light and the darkness disappears IY"H.

you can both talk about what is happening factually with the kids, examine concrete examples, and then ask for proven strategies to implement together, rather than focusing on his unhelpful responses which are surely also exacerbating the situation. You are correct that regularly getting "very angry" and "rough" with three toddlers is a situation that needs immediate and focused effective intervention.

hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Puce

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 9:34 am

Where is he while this mess is occurring? Shul? Then you really should try to be around. Bed? He better get out of bed too

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 9:40 am

It might be normal to be frustrated but to get really angry and rough with babies is not ok.

doodlesmom

Sun, Nov 03 2019, 9:44 am

I know you don’t want to hear it but if toddlers are up then an adult must be up as well. ITs beyond me how many people don’t know this as a fact.

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next