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Would you ask?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 10:49 am
your married child whose youngest is 3+ of age
'what's doing'?

I personally think it's none of my parents business

I was raised by one narcissistic one co-dependent parent
and have no idea what 'normal' looks like in relationships



I've had an almost 5 year break between by youngest and new youngest
and my sister is telling me

'children from functional homes would speak to their parents about this'

what she doesn't know my sister is that we had a break because my husband is on mental health meds!

So please be kind and helpful and try to post so that I can learn what normal relationship with children should look like and if people actually do inquire of their married children when they're not having children for some time during their fertile years

thanks
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 10:52 am
What does normal mean? Normal meaning that it happens, or it should?
Yes, functional parents may very likely ask, but they really shouldn't. A parent who suspects the child may be having difficulty concieving may offer financial help or support without asking, but rather saying if you need....here's what we can do for you.
As a child, if parents are functional or not, I would just shrug, and pretend I don't know what they are referring to.
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Einikel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 10:53 am
Don’t if they don’t volunteer information don’t ask.
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 10:56 am
No, healthy normal parents would never ask, and children do not need to share anything about family planning with their parents- I think that would be oversharing.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 11:02 am
I appreciate every reply

I so badly want to 'do my kids my right'

but I realize more and more that I seriously don't know how

how does one maintain a close and friendly relationship with child without overstepping boundaries

I don't have close friends for the same reason

how vulnerable should one be
what do you share what don't you share and with whom

I've been used alot so I'm very vigilant and can't differentiate

I know this may sound elementary to some of you
but this is my reality
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 11:05 am
Interesting because I'm looking back now and feel like there were mistakes I made that perhaps I wouldn't have had there been a little bit more parental checking in.
I was seeing a therapist who missed some stuff.
I specifically didn't talk to my mother about it but I wonder now if was a mistake.

But objectively it seems appropriate for parents to keep out... just I wonder how many newly marrieds suffer in silence because they just don't know betterhow to handle a situation. So I guess if the parent is healthy would it be a terrible thing? On the other hand perhaps it's not worth the risk because unhealthy parental involvment could really reck a marriage.
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hello 1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 11:09 am
I do think in a healthy relationship parents can say something out of care/concern.
Want you to know if there’s something we can help out with in any way we are here for you..
not implying directly.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 11:14 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I appreciate every reply

I so badly want to 'do my kids my right'

but I realize more and more that I seriously don't know how

how does one maintain a close and friendly relationship with child without overstepping boundaries

I don't have close friends for the same reason

how vulnerable should one be
what do you share what don't you share and with whom

I've been used alot so I'm very vigilant and can't differentiate

I know this may sound elementary to some of you
but this is my reality


Let me tell you that children of healthy homes struggle with this too. Each child relationship is so different. Each child is so different. Each child's marriage is so different. Generations change from when the time we were kids until we marry off our kids.
I think a mentor (and imamother lol) can help define general norms in your community, but trust yourself too. You know your kid and parented the kid. Trust your instincts and don't second guess yourself if your kids seem happy and well adjusted.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 11:17 am
I took a 6 year break now just because and bh neither my parents nor DH parents ever said anything. I think that it's more OK for a parent to ask if the child is married a while and has no kids. Then it makes more sense to ask if everything is OK and offer help. But once they do have kids already, it's not OK to comment.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 11:33 am
OP, it sounds like you could benefit from therapy to sort out some of the issues from your childhood and how they're affecting you.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:09 pm
Never ask!

If there are no children, these are the possibilities:

1. They are TTC and nothing has happened yet or it's early stages and they're not ready to say anything so MYOB.
2. They are having trouble conceiving and they are being private about it so MYOB.
3. They are on bc for various reasons so MYOB.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:13 pm
OMG absolutely wouldn’t ever ever EVER ask my dc or anyone else! Totally not my business. I assume they have the intelligence to consult with the appropriate professional if they think there’s a problem, and if there’s no problem it’s still none of my business no matter how much I may be hoping for a gc. DC don’t “owe” me gc.
If they will or will not have dc it has to be for them because they want or don’t want, not because I want or don’t want. Good grief!
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amother
White


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:24 pm
Good for you for reaching out and for wanting to do the right thing.
Trust your instincts -- it sounds like you have good intuition and judgment. It can be so tough when we doubt ourselves, another topic.
I would never ask any of my married children about this.
They do know that if they ever needed to talk about anything in any area or support I am always here for them.
hugs and hatzlocha
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amother
Coral


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:30 pm
A bit off topic:

After my DD had her second child 12 months after her first, I suggest she think about bc as DD got pregnant right away, even though she nursed. After that ONE time suggestion, I never mentioned it again.

DD had #3 when right after #2. Then DD had a 2 year break before #4.

But I don't ask anything. They are adults.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:33 pm
Amother coral, you were totally out of place suggesting your DD take BC. It's none of your business if she wants to have kids close in age. I'd be livid if my mom would suggest I take BC.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:35 pm
amother [ Coral ] wrote:
A bit off topic:

After my DD had her second child 12 months after her first, I suggest she think about bc as DD got pregnant right away, even though she nursed. After that ONE time suggestion, I never mentioned it again.

DD had #3 when right after #2. Then DD had a 2 year break before #4.

But I don't ask anything. They are adults.


Just curious about why you felt a need to mention BC. Does she not know of its existence?
I am discussing BC with DD BEFORE she gets married so that I don't come across as intrusive due to her circumstances. Not saying you shouldn't, but once a kid is in the specific situation, and values the bond they have with DH, they interpret things more sensitively than when having a theoretical discussion.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:36 pm
amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:
Amother coral, you were totally out of place suggesting your DD take BC. It's none of your business if she wants to have kids close in age. I'd be livid if my mom would suggest I take BC.


I think my daughter's health is my business. Of course, I don't make the decision but I think a one time suggestion to consider bc for one's health is appropriate.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:38 pm
Amother coral, nope it's none of your business if she didn't ask for your advice or mention anything to you. It's between her and her husband. She knows about BC without you telling her.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:42 pm
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
Just curious about why you felt a need to mention BC. Does she not know of its existence?
I am discussing BC with DD BEFORE she gets married so that I don't come across as intrusive due to her circumstances. Not saying you shouldn't, but once a kid is in the specific situation, and values the bond they have with DH, they interpret things more sensitively than when having a theoretical discussion.


My DD is very frum and I thought she may believe bc is ossur unless it's life or death.
I just told her she and her husband should ask their Rav if they think they need a break.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Sun, Nov 03 2019, 12:44 pm
amother [ Coral ] wrote:
I think my daughter's health is my business. Of course, I don't make the decision but I think a one time suggestion to consider bc for one's health is appropriate.

As a normal, caring mother it is your business. I'm sure you have a great relationship with her and she took your concern well. Not everyone does, and they wouldn't take such a comment well. But why did you feel the need to tell her? Did you not discuss it before marriage?
Really, you could've just told her to join imamother, and she'd know ALL about how important Wink BC is.
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