They starting to resent

amother

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 9:16 am

I brought up a while ago about teaching kids another language.
Im working for a while talking to my 2 younger one's 10 and 5 only in english, since they go to Yiddish speaking yashiva and they got very comfortable with yiddish speaking which is nice and ok but @ the same time I want them to feel just as comfortable talking and keeping conversations in ENGLISH, they dont seem to be interested WHATSOEVER!
Here and there they do throw in english words but with conversations they do have a hard time following along.( Or they are just not interested ) I dont know how else I can do it. I dont wanna waste money on a tutor if it wont help , cause I know I tried with them and its not going anywhere! We do have English speaking neighbors but they avoid playing with them, it really bothers me , I feel its important for life and for being able to communicate with others not speaking yiddish. I can really use tips and advice how kids will be more interested and pick it up with their own desire. The english they learn in yashiva is disappointing to me!
The English speaking yashiva wanted a hudge tuition which doesnt match my budget so couldnt send. My 5 year old gets lately very frustrated with me , he almost doesnt wanna look me in the face like when he wants to show off with his things he feels good about, he will rather show it off to my 10 year old. He loves my 10 year old and would ask him favors or expect my 10 year old to compliment him more then he needs it from me, like in the morning he made his bed on his own and he went to show it to my 10 year old rather then for me , I said to him im really proud of u" he tells me I didnt show it to you"

Im starting to 2nd guess that they starting to be resentful or not liking me anymore, could be they pick up some negative feelings towards me? I dont want them to feel bad or feeling against me . Im getting an interesting feeling towards our relationships. How can I fix it to the better without making my kids feel or get frustrated about it? I try not to go into it to much verbally like telling them the importance of the language or offering prizes, I feel that causes more pressuring to it. I try to just be natural about it and talk it and let their responses be ... I just feel its the feelings they pick up with me that I get annoyed by them not following along what I want from them , seems like they know what I expect and it makes them frustrated. I would say the 5 year old more then my 10 year old . My 10 year old is trying to satisfy me he is s very good neshama , he wants mom happy so he trys to communicate in English but he is still poor in keeping conversations going . Any advice???

amother

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 9:28 am

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

can you see about getting a tuition break. some schools tuition is just a starting point and many people don't actually pay it. I wouldn't ruin my relationship with my kids over a language but I totally understand why you want your kids to be able to speak English! I suggest seeing if there's any other solutions and if really not then dropping it. I'm sorry, sounds tough Sad

I dont c how I can ever have an easy way out with tuition in the yashiva I'd like to send and even so where my kids attend now are also very strict with tuition, has to be paid up monthly or im kicked out!

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 9:33 am

My mother did the opposite. She wanted my brother to speak Yiddish even though he was going to an English speaking yeshiva. She spoke to him in Yiddish for 3 years before she gave up because he would only answer in English. (so it's not only you with this problem)

But, all the older siblings can understand basic Yiddish because of it and had she not stopped or even encoured us to try to speak it, we probably would have a basic level of communication. (my younger siblings totally don't understand a word)

So I would tell you to reframe your goal. Don't expect them to try to talk to you. You talk in English and let them talk back in Yiddish. It means they understand English.

And when they do try to talk English, be so careful how you react and correct/don't correct them. My mother was makpid on perfect pronunciation so we felt silly trying because she'd make us feel dumb about it and make us say it again the right way.

I'd say to just rephrase and parrot it back to them (so they hear what it should be) and then go right on with so response. So mommy, ice cream give me - would be, oh, mommy should give you ice-cream? Sure, let's get a bowl.

amother

Wine

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 9:39 am

I think you should drop it for now. I know English is very important, but it seems to be more important to you than just having an enjoyable conversation.
Your kids are picking up your frustration. Eventually they will get it on their own.
Many chassidishe homes speak Yiddish to the boys and once they are older they have a very good English.
I think having English books around and reading to them every night teaches them more and is more pleasant.
Especially if I remember correctly, English is not your first language.
Don't let it take over your relationship with your kids.

amother

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 9:48 am

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

I hear. It can be tough for both parent and kids.
I always turn their statements into a question Ich vill es. - do u want it

Its always mommy talking one language and kids answer back in another. I really get annoyed by it , but comes out that we all do get annoyed.
I have to catch them in the right mood too, sometimes it really depends on their moods the way they will decide to respond. Sometimes they will walk into a shopping center with me and I find them talking in English, but barely and definitely needs improvement. Could be they will one day have it all picked up.
its a matter of time im guessing.

Chayalle

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 9:50 am

OP, what is your primary language (what language do you think in)?

I heard this question addressed by Rabbi Noach Orloweck - a major mechanech whom I respect tremendously. He lives in E"Y and was asked this question by Americans living there, who want their kids to know Hebrew, but are more comfortable in English.

He unequivocally holds that parents must speak to their children in their primary language. He says it's healthiest for the parent/child relationship, which is of utmost importance in these times. Let the children pick up the other language on the street, in school, etc...but keep your relationship with your kids intact.

I would say drop the English for now, OP, and they will pick it up later.

I also think the best way to teach kids a language is by getting them to read! If you can get them interesting English books, they may enjoy that and pick up the language. I happen to speak Hebrew pretty well for an American, and besides for going to a High School that had Limudei Kodesh subjects taught in Hebrew, I had an Israeli roommate in seminary and I read all her novels/books in Hebrew. It was hard at first, but I got better and better at it. I would recommend this approach, if you can implement it.

amother

Wine

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 9:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

At this point it feels like after a whole day of learning in school they come home and there goes another teacher, critical of every word I say. That's very frustrating.
Do you speak English to your dh? Do you speak to your other family members English? They will hear it through " osmosis"

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 10:03 am

I'm chassidish and also want my boys to be fluent English speakers, but u can't make daily conversations with ur children so super-focused on teaching a language! It's supposed to happen naturally. I speak Yiddish to my kids but throw in English phrases. I sometimes read books to them, both in Yiddish and English. I speak both Yiddish and English with my dh and others, so they definitely get regular exposure. They are 5 and 7 now and understand more than the average chassidishe boy but don't really speak English bc they really don't have to in daily life at this point. My older son is actually very attuned to languages and he loves sharing old-fashioned Yiddish words he learns in cheder. He can correct me at home and tell me the Yiddish word for something I referred to in English. I just tell him that he's right and don't get hung up on the fact that he's not using the English term!
My brothers and husband all communicate very well in English in their workplaces every day even though they didn't speak it much when they were younger. As long as the exposure is there, the language will be available for them once they are ready to use it. Being too insistent and pushy will only turn them off.
Bottom line: trust that they will learn through osmosis but let them be. Dont demand that they speak to you in English and dont be so super-focused on teaching when they just wanna have a conversation with their mother. You'll achieve ur goal much more effectively by simply making sure that ur home in general provides enough exposure and reading material so that they can pick it up naturally as they grow.

amother

Wine

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 10:04 am

Chayalle wrote:

Amazing response from the mechanech and you.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 10:12 am

I live in a non English speaking country and this discussion gets constantly rehashed by English and Hebrew speakers.
My take on it is - you must communicate with your kids, for me if they can speak to their grandparents and cousins is less important. So start in English and let them show you, some of mine still speak English till to me some don't answer in English and some I don't even speak to them in English.
Eventually they all pic it up (in my experience) in sem/yeshiva and life.
It's not worth ruining your relationship with them

amother

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 10:27 am

I Appreciate all responses.

it was really important to me @ this point to get guidance how to go about it, I feel its a certain sense (feeling) that gets picked up which can lead to unhealthy relationships or low self esteem in the children . I don't want that to happen . Like the other day I had with my 10 year old , his conversation re went very broken , I tried to correct him and he got affended just by me correcting him . So I guess I need the right tools how to approach this situation.

amother

Blue

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 10:53 am

I understand the primary language thing, but not sure I agree. For me it’s the opposite - I speak to my kids in Yiddish, they already know and speak English.

I’ve done this since the beginning, they all understand Yiddish and many consider it their first language, but although my parents spoke a bit of Yiddish to me as a baby, I consider English my primary language. I learned much of Yiddish by reading books to my oldest.

My younger kids don’t usually speak Yiddish, I do encourage them to (at least when they’re asking for a favor) because I think that speaking a language really makes it yours.

But I’m not militant. If I don’t know a word or phrase in Yiddish, I’ll say it in English. I don’t force them to answer me in Yiddish.

OTOH, I realized later in the game that I really wanted them to also understand and speak Hebrew. Some of the kids really do resent when I get into a Hebrew kick. I don’t do it that often because of that.

#BestBubby

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 10:57 am

OP, don't correct! When a child starts talking, we dont (or shouldn't) correct
his/her mistakes. Instead we get all excited that the child is talking.

If you correct yr children will be embarrassed and avoid speaking to you!

It's also fine for you to speak in english and kids answer in yiddish. They are
still learning english!

I second getting picture books, cds and video in english - like uncle moishy.

I tutored yiddish speaking kids and they loved picture books like ELI's Little White Lie.

amother

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 11:15 am

#BestBubby wrote:

I tutored yiddish speaking kids and they loved picture books like ELI's Little White Lie.

So if u did tutoring in the past, how about I send my kids to you 🤤