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Do you screen before sending to play dates?
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:14 pm
DD is in school now and gets invited to friends often. I don’t feel comfortable just sending her to anyone. How do you make sure that wherever you’re sending your child is a safe, functional home? Am I going overboard with this?
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ShishKabob




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:18 pm
All the time! I call the school and I'm friendly with the secretary and I'll ask about the family if it's aligned with my hashkofos and so on. Although you can't always know, you need to do your due diligence and not send your child to an unknown place. Never feel guilty saying no, they can always come to your place.
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heidi




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:21 pm
I once let my kid sleep over at a friend. I knew the parents in passing.
He came home and told me the father had slapped his friend in the face in front of my kid.
I was horrified.
Absolutely do your due diligence.
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sky




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:24 pm
Very young children for sure.

As they get older less - but most likely I’ve seen the parents around at pta, orientation, or school events.
I have called rebbe or morah about friends of older kids but much less often and only if I have a concern.

I don’t really allow sleepovers.
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:27 pm
We don't allow slepovers. By now I know most of their class already but when they were younger I always asked about the home.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:34 pm
heidi wrote:
I once let my kid sleep over at a friend. I knew the parents in passing.
He came home and told me the father had slapped his friend in the face in front of my kid.
I was horrified.
Absolutely do your due diligence.

This reminds me of my sister who went to her classmate for a play date. My mother knew the mother from school functions etc and felt comfortable sending my sister there to play Sunday afternoon. My sister called my mother screaming and crying to pick her up. She was about age 8. The father of the girl yelled and beat her mother in front of my sister and her friend because their fax machine jammed. My sister was forever traumatized. She still talks about it almost 30 years later.


Last edited by thunderstorm on Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:18 pm; edited 1 time in total
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allthingsblue




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:36 pm
Play dates:
Age 4 and under- I meet the moms when I drop off at playgroup so I have a feel for who they are
Once they're in school- of course I would screen. I would call the teacher or something, or invite the child to my house.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:37 pm
Of course!!!!!
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First Lady




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:38 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
This reminds me of my sister who went to her classmate for a play date. My mother knew the mother from school functions etc and felt comfortable sending my sister there to play Sunday afternoon. My sister called my mother screaming and crying to pick her up. She was about age 8. The father of the girl yelled and beat her mother in front of my sister and her friend because their fax machine jammed. My sister was forever traumatized. She still talks about it 30 years later.


I'm traumatized just reading this.
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 12:53 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
All the time! I call the school and I'm friendly with the secretary and I'll ask about the family if it's aligned with my hashkofos and so on. Although you can't always know, you need to do your due diligence and not send your child to an unknown place. Never feel guilty saying no, they can always come to your place.


I would be very disturbed to hear that the school had no problem talking to you about another family. Thats not in any way appropriate and I would even say a break of confidentiality.

This actually happened to one of my kids. My child became friends with someone (in 8th grade so not teeny kids). The friend had started to sing secular music at home and the mother made a connection between her child singing the songs and her new friendship with my daughter. The mom called the principal to ask about my daughter and mentioned the music. The principal said it would make sense if my daughter was singing secular music because she visits her father who is not frum, so.... Anyways, the mother told her daughter who for some reason told my daughter. I got a call from her at school, she was crying so hard she could not breath and wanted to go home. We picked her up and I called the principal and to say I threw a fit is putting it lightly. My daughter does not listen to music in general - its not her thing. She was not the influence - if anything, this other girl is the one who brought it to the school (she has older sisters). But the principal threw my daughter under the bus based on her ASSUMPTION because my ex is no longer frum. Lovely. So I yelled, like really yelled. The principal realized right away how wrong she was and made a very sincere apology to my daughter. She then called the other mother and told her it was wrong of her to say a word and sang my daughter's praises.

There are other ways to learn about the families your kids want to visit. Calling the school is not appropriate and puts them in a bad position. And in my case, can give very wrong info.

Reach out to the parents. Meet them. Make a new friend in the process!
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hodeez




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:00 pm
Friends can come to me. I don't know what goes on in their houses...
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ShishKabob




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:03 pm
watergirl wrote:
I would be very disturbed to hear that the school had no problem talking to you about another family. Thats not in any way appropriate and I would even say a break of confidentiality.

There are other ways to learn about the families your kids want to visit. Calling the school is not appropriate and puts them in a bad position. And in my case, can give very wrong info.

Reach out to the parents. Meet them. Make a new friend in the process!

I agree with you about the assumptions. I experienced something similar myself. It's not pleasant to say the least.
However, this is not a random school official that I asked. It's not a school official really, it's the secretary that I know and I often schmooze with her, she could be a parent as well. She doesn't always know everyone personally and that's ok. But that's the channel that I have to find out about other families. Idk the people on their block or their shul. And I don't have the time to always meet the parents.
But I do hear your perspective.
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amother




Orange


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:06 pm
I have two neighbors (they are sisters ) who don't allow their kids to come play in my house becuase I have a smartphone.
I don't allow my kids to go their because of their bad middos. (Not that they want to go. They have asked once.... we have other nice neighbors)
Joke is on them.
We have a fun fully equipped backyard. swings, trampoline, seesaw, outdoor toys.... a really nice playroom, indoor toys and a very chilled out mom.....
We often have other kids over and their kids are left out.
The few times our kids played together one's their 3 yo was so nasty and physically aggressive yo my kid and the and kids and the mother looked on ignoring what was going on.... the other time the other family's 8-9 year old was also physically aggressive towards my 6 yo pushing her and hurting her badly it's weeks later and she still has scars. And also the mother ignored.
we walked out.

I don't allow sleep overs. But I definitely screen.

Thunderstorm omg! I'm traumatized just hearing about it. Poor poor sister!!!!
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:07 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
I agree with you about the assumptions. I experienced something similar myself. It's not pleasant to say the least.
However, this is not a random school official that I asked. It's not a school official really, it's the secretary that I know and I often schmooze with her, she could be a parent as well. She doesn't always know everyone personally and that's ok. But that's the channel that I have to find out about other families. Idk the people on their block or their shul. And I don't have the time to always meet the parents.
But I do hear your perspective.


No school employee should be talking to parents about any other child. Thats just so inappropriate! Having been on the other side of this, I can tell you that its a really bad feeling. My daughter's school learned from this and now are more careful. It should be a matter of policy. I'm sorry, I really feel that if its that important to you to screen who your kids play with, you need to make the effort. What if the person you asked does not know this family? Would you say no play-date?

One way to do this is to speak to the teacher and ask if she can tell you who would be a good play-date for your child. That is not intrusive and does not violate anyone's privacy.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:10 pm
watergirl wrote:
No school employee should be talking to parents about any other child. Thats just so inappropriate! Having been on the other side of this, I can tell you that its a really bad feeling. My daughter's school learned from this and now are more careful. It should be a matter of policy. I'm sorry, I really feel that if its that important to you to screen who your kids play with, you need to make the effort. What if the person you asked does not know this family? Would you say no play-date?

One way to do this is to speak to the teacher and ask if she can tell you who would be a good play-date for your child. That is not intrusive and does not violate anyone's privacy.

How would the teacher know what kind of home these people run?
The teacher can tell you about the student themselves afaik.
If the person doesn't know this family and I cant manage to find out more information, then yes, I would say no to a play date.
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:12 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
How would the teacher know what kind of home these people run?
The teacher can tell you about the student themselves afaik.
If the person doesn't know this family and I cant manage to find out more information, then yes, I would say no to a play date.

I guess to me, what kind of home the family runs doesn’t make or break a potential friendship for my kid.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:16 pm
watergirl wrote:
I guess to me, what kind of home the family runs doesn’t make or break a potential friendship for my kid.
To me it does. Sometimes it means that my kid wont be supervised and would spend their time running around the neighborhood with no one on top of them. Homes with no boundries and so on. I don't mean how much cleaning help they do or don't take. lol I couldn't resist. Smile
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watergirl




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:27 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
To me it does. Sometimes it means that my kid wont be supervised and would spend their time running around the neighborhood with no one on top of them. Homes with no boundries and so on. I don't mean how much cleaning help they do or don't take. lol I couldn't resist. Smile

Ooc, has that ever happened to your kid? Kid on a play date being allowed to run around the neighborhood unsupervised?
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ShishKabob




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:29 pm
watergirl wrote:
Ooc, has that ever happened to your kid? Kid on a play date being allowed to run around the neighborhood unsupervised?
Honestly, I'm not keen with my kids going to others for play dates. They are welcome to come to my place.

The running around unsupervised has occurred and that's a big concern of mine. I also like to know that when I send my kid to a certain friend, I want my kid to stay at that home, I don't want my kid going to a neighbor of that play date and so on.
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keym




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:33 pm
watergirl wrote:
Ooc, has that ever happened to your kid? Kid on a play date being allowed to run around the neighborhood unsupervised?


Almost happened to me. Close neighbor who has no problem inviting friends over, lets them run around and play outside unsupervised, leaves the kids home with her 11 yr old so she can pick up eggs. (I know the 11 yr old- not responsible.)
I see what I see so I never let my kids go barring an extreme emergency.
But the kids are always having friends. So I guess someone else isnt doing "research".
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