Do you screen before sending to play dates?

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:33 pm

watergirl wrote:

Ooc, has that ever happened to your kid? Kid on a play date being allowed to run around the neighborhood unsupervised?

I have a sister in law who leaves her kids home alone when ruining quick errands at aged I believe way too young - plus younger kids at home (and I’m liberal about these things)
She wonders why my kids always invite her kids over.

My son once went to someone’s house and spent the entire time watch movies (not Jewish). School has a zero media rule. But I’m not sure what annoyed me more - deciding what to show my kid - putting him front of s video - or having a wasted play date wit no social interaction.

I also want to know if kids use computer with unfiltered internet access.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:43 pm

I would never dream of interrogating the school and I would be horrified if someone interrogated the school about me. Talk about a breach of ethics.

I live in Israel, where these things are a lot freer. Mothers have never researched me, or asked to come in, nor have I researched them in depth. I know general things about the family - what the parents do for a living, how many kids they have.

At some point, I just go on trust. When a kid is aged six or seven and up, they already know what I allow and don't allow.

I have never encountered horrific situations like others have described. I don't know how they could be avoided, unless you forbade your child to ever visit a friend. How could you know that a father is violent, for example? That's not something that is usually public knowledge.

I think that sometimes you just need to take a chance. The price to pay if you don't is too high. Kids need to visit their friends. The risk of something happening is much much lower than the risk of your child having a miserable social life if you never let them out.

Incidentally, I think playdates at other homes are brilliant. I think my kids gained a lot through the years, seeing how other families live, what is the same and what is different. I think exposure is a good thing.

watergirl

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:45 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

Its your prerogative as a parent to have these concerns. My point is that its not right for the school to be talking about other kids. And unless the school has cameras hidden inside every student's home, there is no way for them to know most of these things anyways.

I maintain that if you want to know if you should let your child go to someone's home, the only way to decide is to meet the parents, befriend them, and get a feel for them.

watergirl

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:49 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Re: the bolded and the rest of your post - I agree with it all.

So you call the school, get a glowing report about a kid - same hashkafa as you, no videos, no internet, no running around the neighborhood, etc. There can still be yelling and what have you from the "best" homes. Its not unlike finding a shidduch. You can research until you are blue in the face, and I know many people do, and there are things no one knows.

But this is not shidduchim. This is a play-date. A bit of perspective.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:51 pm

watergirl wrote:

I agree. And I don't understand how a school principal or secretary would know that a father beats his child or wife. (And if they do know this, they should be taking care of it with social services, not spreading gossip all through town).

Bottom line is that it is somewhat a leap of faith to send your kid out. There are certain situations where it's obvious you won't send your kid, but in general, you can't know what's going on.

amother

Jade

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:53 pm

I live in a smallish OOT community, send to a small day school, and attend a small shul. So I know all the parents of my kids' friends at least somewhat. In most cases, I've eaten in their home and vice versa. I'm sure I don't know everyone's deep dark secrets, but there's no way to be 100% certain and my kids really love playdates. I haven't had to do any additional research from secondary sources.

ShishKabob

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:53 pm

watergirl wrote:

I maintain that if you want to know if you should let your child go to someone's home, the only way to decide is to meet the parents, befriend them, and get a feel for them.

I respectfully disagree. Sometimes people are the nicest when you meet them casually but are a totally different thing at home. Why when the teacher tells you something about the home it's not a breach and for the secretary it is a breach? I'm honestly looking to understand it. not sarcastically.
And to other imamother who says you don't lose out so much by sending your kids to other homes that you don't know that much about, I totally disagree with that as well. For me, it's not worth the risk.
To each their own.

watergirl

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:56 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I said to ask the teacher to suggest a play-date, not to tell me a syllable about the home. I don't ask. Thats not asking for any information about their home to leave her mouth and go into my ears. You are calling the school and asking about the home of a specific kid. Thats intrusive. Asking the teacher who would be a good match for my kid is not.

Last edited by watergirl on Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:11 pm; edited 2 times in total

ShishKabob

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:59 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Sometimes the school does know that something weird is going on, maybe they can't pinpoint the exact nature of it, but many times they know. It's not considered spreading gossip. It's for a toeles to answer a specific question.

SixOfWands

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 1:59 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

I agree with you about the assumptions. I experienced something similar myself. It's not pleasant to say the least.
However, this is not a random school official that I asked. It's not a school official really, it's the secretary that I know and I often schmooze with her, she could be a parent as well. She doesn't always know everyone personally and that's ok. But that's the channel that I have to find out about other families. Idk the people on their block or their shul. And I don't have the time to always meet the parents.
But I do hear your perspective.

No one associated with a school should be talking to other parents about a child. Ever. Period. Full stop. No exceptions.

How do you feel about the fact that this same woman is gossiping to other people about your family. Because she is.

mha3484

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:05 pm

How is this not lashon hara? I really dont get it.

The only time I was hesitant to accept a play date was when my son who used to have a harder time with his social skills was invited to someones home where the parents who are super nice people dont speak english in a manner that I felt comfortable with. Otherwise, we all send to the same school for a reason. Maybe this should be in the Alien thread....

seeker

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:10 pm

It's funny, I'm usually the more cautious/paranoid mom but in this thread I'm going to be the outlier in the other direction. I don't think it's practical to research playdates. Things like abuse are not going to be common street knowledge. I think the more important angle is to educate YOUR CHILD to protect themselves. From a young age, before any playdate we reviewed things like: Nobody is allowed to make you do anything you don't think is OK. Nobody is allowed to touch you without your permission. If you are uncomfortable or want to leave for any reason you call Mommy and I will come, no questions asked.

That doesn't mean I'm not exercising judgment when planning the playdate. But I'm not calling the FBI either. I try to go to all school events plus from what my kids tell me I have a general sense of which kids have good middos. I talk to the parent when arranging the playdate and if there's a dropoff then I try to get a feel for the parent/home. I have a child with food allergies and I can get a sense when talking to the parent if they seem responsible about these things.

I try as much as possible to invite kids here more than sending mine out so I can see which friendships seem healthy. I have a blanket rule of no sleepovers because I feel that bedtime is vulnerable, but I see that my older daughter is getting to the age where kids are doing that more, so we're talking about how to upgrade personal safety skills, I've agreed to revisit the rule in the future but not until it's very compelling, and Shabbos is not on the table at all because you can't call home if you have an issue.

Oh and BTW I did have a situation when my child was younger, I asked someone I trust who knew the family and vouched for them, and when I came to pick up my child they were out on the street, around the corner, in the city, with no adult in sight. Never again and now the new rule is that if you want to go anywhere other than the friend's house you say "I need to ask my mother" and call. I've also had a couple of times where I didn't feel 100% so I picked my kid up early and didn't send back to that home again.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:47 pm

Ruchel wrote:

He didnt slap your kid right? soooo... you would never have known. Many people do

This. You would never know. Not by talking to the teacher or the secretary, not by chatting with the mother at PTA.

Unless you keep your child at home, you can't protect them from everything. As seeker said, the solution is to empower your child, and encourage them to share things with you.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:59 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

Telling other mothers that something weird may be going on, but they aren't exactly sure what, isn't spreading gossip????

I work in a school setting. A parent has never called me to 'research' a home and I can't fathom the chutzpah that would take.

amother

Green

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 3:43 pm

You never know what's going on in others' homes.

As a kid, we were always in and out of each others' homes. I had one close friend whose mother was always "in bed" in the afternoon. I figured she was sick, or lazy, or I don't know what. We played in the basement, no problem. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized that the mother wasn't alone in bed all those days.

In any case, it really depends upon the age of the kids. Of course I tried to screen play dates when my kids were very young. As they got older, less so. I certainly wasn't screening them, except in the broadest sense (confirming that an adult will be home) by time they were 12.

My kids all loved overnights, but not until 5th grade or so. Many times they would go to a friend's house, get tired, and sleep there (after calling home for permission). Lots of kids did the same at our home. When they were younger, I usually knew the parents. As they got older, and had more friends outside the community, I had to depend more on my kids, and their evaluation of the kid and the family.

Yes, there are risks. But we don't serve our children well by wrapping them in cotton wool and not allowing them to evaluate and navigate situations. Or by limiting their friendships. Because to be honest, if you don't allow your kid to come to my house, I'm not allowing mine to go to yours. I worry about the parents who want all the kids at their place all the time. Helicopter parents? Or pedophiles who enjoy all the kids being there.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Nov 06 2019, 4:01 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

. Because to be honest, if you don't allow your kid to come to my house, I'm not allowing mine to go to yours.

This. I would be offended, for myself and even more so for my kid. I would be worried what sort of rumours her kid is spreading around school about my kid, as an explanation for why they can't come over.

Anyway, if my house isn't good enough for someone, I'm not going to play her game and send my kid to her house.

IME in any case the most 'sheltered' kids who weren't allowed to play with half the class turn out to be the most problematic teens.