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Do you screen before sending to play dates?
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Ravenclaw




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:12 pm
I think that asking the school is not always so helpful. Honestly, I would want to talk to the mother herself.
I have a neighbor I suspect doesn’t let her kids come to me because I let my kids watch and have different standards than her in regards to technology. But the thing is, I’m not stupid. I am chassidish and am respectful of others. I would never take out my laptop when kids are over or whatever. I am careful around other people’s kids, and always call to ask permission before allowing the kids any kind of tech or media, even if they are the type who I suspect are allowed.
So if my neighbor who doesn’t let her kids come over just called me she would see I won’t ruin her kids. But her choice.
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Stars




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:12 pm
Of course I will want to know approximately what I am sending my child into but I also accept that it is absolutely impossible to control everything my children will experience in their life.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:22 pm
All the moms in my school have this 'rule' about only letting 'new friends' play at their home first. Makes for lonely afternoons.
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:29 pm
I try to have the kid come to me first. If they are playing nicely and getting along well I allow my son to go over there. Usually kids come here for some reason.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 2:46 pm
A few years ago a male neighbor molested another female neighbor. And he always seemed like the nicest sweetest person no one would dream of him doing such a thing. (both the male and female are yeshivish)
PLEASE be careful where you send your kids!!
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HonesttoGod




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 3:36 pm
Yes of course.
I pay for a background check and wil often stalk outside for a few days to make sure all seems normal.
If it’s. A sleepover I’ll send a nanny cam and run get my child if I hear anything I don’t like. But generally I don’t allow sleepovers because leaving my kid in someone else’s house for a whole night?! Never!

Helicopter parenting much??
I’m actually shocked that schools give out info on families if they’re “normal” or not? And honestly as much research as you do, people are perfect to the outside world. If my kid wants to go to a friend he’ll go and I trust him to tell me if there’s an issue and he doesn’t want to go back.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 3:49 pm
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
All the moms in my school have this 'rule' about only letting 'new friends' play at their home first. Makes for lonely afternoons.


So no child ever plays at another child's home, because they're all "new friends," and no one ever allows their kid to go somewhere else first?
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amother
Silver


 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 3:58 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
Honestly, I'm not keen with my kids going to others for play dates. They are welcome to come to my place.

The running around unsupervised has occurred and that's a big concern of mine. I also like to know that when I send my kid to a certain friend, I want my kid to stay at that home, I don't want my kid going to a neighbor of that play date and so on.


Yes. This happened to me. They let the 5 year olds play outside themselves and even cross the street.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 6:34 pm
Quote:
So no child ever plays at another child's home, because they're all "new friends," and no one ever allows their kid to go somewhere else first?


I was wondering the same thing. If everyone has this policy, don’t the kids just end up not getting together at all?
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 6:57 pm
amother [ Peach ] wrote:
Quote:
So no child ever plays at another child's home, because they're all "new friends," and no one ever allows their kid to go somewhere else first?


I was wondering the same thing. If everyone has this policy, don’t the kids just end up not getting together at all?


I was kidding. But in all seriousness, if I wouldn’t send my child to new friends house before new friend comes to my house - shouldn’t I be suspicious of a parent who isn’t as careful as I am?
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 9:12 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
Honestly, I'm not keen with my kids going to others for play dates. They are welcome to come to my place.

The running around unsupervised has occurred and that's a big concern of mine. I also like to know that when I send my kid to a certain friend, I want my kid to stay at that home, I don't want my kid going to a neighbor of that play date and so on.


oy! I think that was me! I won't go into the entire story, but the visiting kid really has that impact on my kid, where they get really wild together.

We have friends over nearly every day, though, without that effect at all, so I'm glad that said parent isn't sending her kid over again. We're just not a shidduch.

I don't mean you, Shishkabob, of course, but I was the parent in charge when something similar happened, and I was mortified, but there's a backstory too.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 06 2019, 9:31 pm
If one of my kids wants to go play at a friend's home, or invite a friend to our home, it's fine.

We do not approach the school for information (and I would be highly disturbed if they give any), we do not hire a PI, we do not demand a resume with references.

We don't go around assuming our kids' friends' parents are molesters or abusers.

Most of the posts here sound paranoid to me.
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 07 2019, 7:43 am
SixOfWands wrote:

How do you feel about the fact that this same woman is gossiping to other people about your family. Because she is.

I don't consider this gossip as I mentioned before.
One last thing, I have no issue if someone asks the school about my home. I understand that some families will find my home more to the right and some families will find my home more to the left, or if you want to put it less pc, more frum or more modern.
I don't get offended if someone doesn't want to send their kids to my home. That's their choice and prerogative. And I also have my choices which I am not apologizing for either.
I am not an equal opportunity friend.
But I'm not so stuck up like I come across here either.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 07 2019, 7:52 am
ShishKabob wrote:
I agree with you about the assumptions. I experienced something similar myself. It's not pleasant to say the least.
However, this is not a random school official that I asked. It's not a school official really, it's the secretary that I know and I often schmooze with her, she could be a parent as well. She doesn't always know everyone personally and that's ok. But that's the channel that I have to find out about other families. Idk the people on their block or their shul. And I don't have the time to always meet the parents.
But I do hear your perspective.

Is this for real?!?! The secretary should not be giving out info about parents to anyone, especially other parents!!!
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 07 2019, 7:55 am
Ema of 4 wrote:
Is this for real?!?! The secretary should not be giving out info about parents to anyone, especially other parents!!!

I am very friendly with this secretary, she's almost like my friend. Does that count?
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 07 2019, 7:57 am
ShishKabob wrote:
I am very friendly with this secretary, she's almost like my friend. Does that count?

What do you mean does it count? She should not be talking about anyone to anyone else. You may not consider it to be gossip or unethical but it is. Almost like a friend or not.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Thu, Nov 07 2019, 8:02 am
keym wrote:
Almost happened to me. Close neighbor who has no problem inviting friends over, lets them run around and play outside unsupervised, leaves the kids home with her 11 yr old so she can pick up eggs. (I know the 11 yr old- not responsible.)
I see what I see so I never let my kids go barring an extreme emergency.
But the kids are always having friends. So I guess someone else isnt doing "research".

Or you don’t REALLY know what’s going on. Or you don’t REALLY know that the 11 year old is not responsible.
You (we all) judge based only on what we see. It can be one thing, a few things, or many things.
I have a kid with ADHD and ODD. This kid has good days and off days. On off days, I would never leave this kid to be in charge, even for 10 seconds, but on good days, I would totally leave this kid in charge for 45 minutes-1 hour. YOU may think my kid is not responsible, but I know my kid, and I know when it’s ok to go out and when it’s not.
We have kids from the neighborhood over all the time, I’d much rather everyone hangs out here, and I can see who is here and what is going on.
There are a few people my kids can go to, and a few where I will allow them to sleep over, because I know the families well.
Just do me a favor, don’t tell other people that you don’t let your kid come to my house because my kid isn't responsible.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Thu, Nov 07 2019, 8:12 am
watergirl wrote:
Re: the bolded and the rest of your post - I agree with it all.

So you call the school, get a glowing report about a kid - same hashkafa as you, no videos, no internet, no running around the neighborhood, etc. There can still be yelling and what have you from the "best" homes. Its not unlike finding a shidduch. You can research until you are blue in the face, and I know many people do, and there are things no one knows.

But this is not shidduchim. This is a play-date. A bit of perspective.

There is a family in our neighborhood who moved in a while back. (One of the sets of grandparents live here, and they moved in with them.) This was a few years ago. It came to my attention not long after they moved in that the reason they had moved here was because the father had been accused of being inappropriate more than once where they had lived previously. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but when I called the rabbi to speak to him about it, he had heard as well. His advice was that the kids can come to our house to play, but we should not let our kids go there.
I don’t know that the school even knows about this. I have not heard anything since I made my inquiries. The schools would probably say they are lovely people, with wonderful midos, which the mother is. I tried to find out exactly what it was that the father had been accused of, but I was never able to find out exactly.
I yell at my kids. I have yelled at them when they have had friends over, and I have sent friends home. Would the school know? Is yelling at my kids a reason not to come to my house? Who knows....
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 07 2019, 8:26 am
ShishKabob wrote:
I am very friendly with this secretary, she's almost like my friend. Does that count?

Nope!! That makes it even worse!!! Then it’s really gossip. She has no real info on what goes on behind closed doors in peoples homes. She should not be telling anyone anything, friend or not.
As someone else said, there’s nothing wrong with asking the teacher to provide you with names of kids with whom your kids would play nicely. All they have to do is give a name, they don’t have to give you any info.
But NO ONE from the school should be giving out personal info to other parents.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Thu, Nov 07 2019, 8:28 am
Omg I don't want to even think about this yet; my DD is still a baby.... Can't Believe It

But. But. Please, think whether you are doing more harm than good by not allowing your children to visit others.

When I was a kid, not teeny, maybe 5th grade or so, a girl in my class had a birthday party, which my parents did not allow me to attend because they decided the family was too modern and the food and entertainment wouldn't be to their standards. The next day, literally the entire class was talking about the party, and I was devastated and embarrassed. And I still remember this story nearly 15 years later.

Please think about what you child will remember 15 years later-the house that was not perfectly up to your standards and the terrible Rolling Eyes influence they got over there, or the fact that they have over-controlling parents and that they were the only ones not allowed to attend?

One more point : If you choose to send your child to a certain school, please know that your child can choose to be friends with any child in that class and you will have to be comfortable with it. You cannot control your children's friendships; you can only choose what kind of children you child is exposed to. If you have issues with half the class; maybe your child is in the wrong school.
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