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How to get through to my dh
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:15 am
My 17 year old son (he's our oldest) is bh a good kid with good grades, but he's not sure what direction he wants to go in. He wants to go to yeshiva next year and then (we're hoping) University. We're getting closer to the application process and my dh keeps asking our son what university programs is he going to go for? what does he want to do as a career, etc etc and my son feels pressured and they end up arguing.

My theory is that it's normal to not know what you want to do with your life when you're 17 and that pressuring the kid is not helpful. He is really good at (and is interested in) English, history and maths but my dh thinks English and history will not get him anywhere career wise. Neither my dh or myself have been to school past high-school (we went to yeshiva and seminary) so we're new to this.
I think that the most important thing is to do what you love and what you excel in and everything else will iyh fall into place. I think it's ok to be uncertain at 17 (and even at 23) - but my dh thinks I just don't care.

Who is right? and if it's me (it probably is:) how do I get the message across? He's already heard my speeches.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:59 am
Are you sure he wants to continue onto university? Maybe he is avoiding the subject because he wants to continue on to Mesivta after yeshiva?
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ohmygosh




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 11:00 am
You're 100% right and your DH needs to stop. It's completely typical so start college not sure what direction you're going in, and then figure it out along the way. For goodness sakes, he's 17! He hasn't figured out his life yet.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 11:00 am
It's for sure important to do what you love. Pressuring him will backfire. Do you live in the US? If yes he has a few years to decide.
English/history can be a prelude for law school if he chooses to go in that direction, or education.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 12:32 pm
There's nothing wrong with spending the first year or two just getting all of your prerequisites done. By then he'll be more mature, and have a better idea of what he wants to do. In the meantime, he'll be getting lots of credits and college experience under his belt.

Why does he have to declare a major on the first day of school?
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singleagain




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 12:36 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
There's nothing wrong with spending the first year or two just getting all of your prerequisites done. By then he'll be more mature, and have a better idea of what he wants to do. In the meantime, he'll be getting lots of credits and college experience under his belt.

Why does he have to declare a major on the first day of school?


This when I was helping at orientation in college I told the incoming freshman

If you don't know what you want. That's fine. Take your core classes and intro classes to whatever seems interesting till you figure it out.

Also I would totally recommend scheduling at least one fun/just bc /why not class each semester. Otherwise it can get too intense
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amother




Salmon


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 12:45 pm
I would just like to say that I believe one should take the "do what you love" advice with a grain of salt. People are so multifaceted and have multiple areas of strength. I'm not a consistent AMI Magazine reader, but I read this article about a young man who imports toilets. And there was a quote that had him saying it would be ridiculous to assume he loves toilets, of course he never loved toilets, but its something he saw a need for and is now successful.
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amother




Gold


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 12:50 pm
I tell my kids they need a Plan B.

School is expensive enough that you don't want your kids coming out without something marketable. Notice I said coming out rather than graduating. If you don't decide your direction early enough, then you risk being on the 5 and 6 year plan or not graduating.

Some degrees you need to know from the beginning like engineering. You can't decide this year 2 and graduate in 4 years.

One of my children wants a new-age career. DC can pursue this as long as DC is also obtaining a marketable degree.
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sequoia




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 1:25 pm
It sounds like OP is in the UK, where you do have to decide in advance.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 1:53 pm
Thanks everyone! I'm in Canada.
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amother




Periwinkle


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 1:55 pm
My kids are in Israel, where it is common for kids to take a gap year off to work and travel AFTER army service/sherut leumi. So that most dati leumi and secular kids here are at least 21 (for girls) and 22 (for boys) when they start university.

It stressed me out at first, but then I realized there is no rush.

I do think though that it's important to choose a practical field with good parnassa. I was a top student and chose something I love in the humanities. I regret it often. A job is a job, and even if you choose a field you like, it's rare that work is fun. May as well choose something with potential for serious growth and parnassa.

(I am not saying go into a field you hate. But it is naive and pointless to study history, for example, unless you are passionate about being a history teacher. Think carefully before choosing a field; there is not much else to do with history).
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lcraighten




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 2:01 pm
I think it's totally fine to give your son a little bit of time to figure it out. I think the best thing you can do for him is to help guide him so that his priorities are in place when he makes a decision.

It's important for him to figure out what he wants out of his career and which career can give him what he wants.

For example, if he wants to feel like he is giving back to the community and wants flexible hours and good pay, he needs to match a career to that. If all he wants is financial security then he uses that as his guide. If he wants flexibility then use that etc.
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camp123




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 2:28 pm
The advice "do something you love" is just bad advice...
You need to do something that will give you the best quality of life in the long term. For some, that may be doing something they love even if the pay is low. For others, it may be doing something you don't mind because the hours suit you. It varies for each person. But doing an undergraduate degree you love that leaves you nowhere... Is just plain stupid.
I know too many people who's lives have been messed up by this silly advice.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 3:34 pm
amother [ Salmon ] wrote:
I would just like to say that I believe one should take the "do what you love" advice with a grain of salt. People are so multifaceted and have multiple areas of strength. I'm not a consistent AMI Magazine reader, but I read this article about a young man who imports toilets. And there was a quote that had him saying it would be ridiculous to assume he loves toilets, of course he never loved toilets, but its something he saw a need for and is now successful.


IMHO he didn't have to love toilets to become successful but he had to love business. Someone who had no interest in business would probably not have been successful importing toilets.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 3:37 pm
camp123 wrote:
The advice "do something you love" is just bad advice...
You need to do something that will give you the best quality of life in the long term. For some, that may be doing something they love even if the pay is low. For others, it may be doing something you don't mind because the hours suit you. It varies for each person. But doing an undergraduate degree you love that leaves you nowhere... Is just plain stupid.
I know too many people who's lives have been messed up by this silly advice.


Ok, but since it's an undergrad degree, does it really matter? Meaning, you can have a BA in English or History and end up going to Law school for your masters, so why not pursue the courses that attract you?
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amother




Periwinkle


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 4:03 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ok, but since it's an undergrad degree, does it really matter? Meaning, you can have a BA in English or History and end up going to Law school for your masters, so why not pursue the courses that attract you?


I heard it works in Canada that way. In Israel, for example, you go straight into law.

If he wants to go into a field where you can have a BA in anything, then it really doesn't matter.
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amother




Periwinkle


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 4:05 pm
Also, remember that studying what you love doesn't always equal doing what you love later on.

Lots of subjects are fun to study (say philosophy or literature) but they offer very limited career choice, usually in teaching. Someone may love philosophy but hate being a teacher.
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amother




Gold


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 4:13 pm
amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:
I heard it works in Canada that way. In Israel, for example, you go straight into law.

If he wants to go into a field where you can have a BA in anything, then it really doesn't matter.


But he doesn't know his field he wants. That's why a Plan B is important. Get certified in something you can use to support your family.
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mommyX2




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 2:59 am
does his school offer any guidance in this area? maybe have him speak to them. less friction than speaking with parents.
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Sun, Nov 17 2019, 1:31 am
He's 17. Give him some breathing room. Some people don't know what they want to do at 17, and others know exactly what they want to specialize in and have detailed plans for their lives... that they change 5 times by the time they're 21. The first option is cheaper. Wink
If he wants to go to yeshiva for a year, great. That extra year won't cost him anything long run, especially if the norm in your community is not to start thinking about marriage before 25 anyways. It's good for someone to get some exposure to the world and life's realities before deciding on a career and life plan. It gives perspective on what they need and who they are.
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