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[Lakewood] Is this a reasonable curfew for a 14 year old??
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groisamomma




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:41 pm
[Edited the title to say Lakewood so the responses are more relevant.]

She's my oldest girl and we're groping blindly here so as usual, I'm second-guessing whether we're being reasonable or not.

She just started high school. I'm not judging other mothers because you do what works for you, but she claims eeeeeveryone is out till 11 at night. The rule was 10:30 friends go home and she has to be inside the house. Off the phone by 11.

Even with all this she still doesn't get to bed before 11:30! She asks my dh to make an exception every.single.night. and it drives me crazy! He sticks to it but she never tires of asking. I'm seriously questioning whether we're being unreasonable. If it makes a difference (she claims it does), the neighborhood is safe and she's only on the front porch or at the corner talking to her friends, and and and...

What do all you mothers of teenage girls do?? Oh, and what about on motzei Shabbos? I say 11:30 inside is reasonable but eeeeeeveryone else is still outside, nobody else has such a hard life, 😉, etc, etc, etc.


Last edited by groisamomma on Fri, Nov 08 2019, 9:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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rachel6543




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:46 pm
I was NEVER out that late as a teen, unless a school sponsored event. I think your curfew is more than reasonable, it’s quite generous.
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:47 pm
I didn’t have curfew but I loved to sleep. I think a weeknight curfew is reasonable but not Saturday night. Let her have one night where she can stay up late
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:50 pm
I think your being reasonable
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L K




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:51 pm
I would first ask you how she gets up in the morning, and if she gets enough sleep, considering the time she needs to be up in the morning and get ready for school like a mentsh.
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groisamomma




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 10:55 pm
Responsibility makes her wake up on time no matter what time she went to sleep. She also loves school so she won't oversleep on purpose. If she's in bed by 11:30 and sleeping by 12 then she gets more than 7 solid hours of sleep. Some days she's tired and she knows why! She tells me it's because she was up late in her room but she does do well in school, so...oh, and on Shabbos and Sunday she sleeps late.

tichellady, how late is a late night? If I said no bedtime she'd be up until 2 am!!
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 11:08 pm
groisamomma wrote:
Responsibility makes her wake up on time no matter what time she went to sleep. She also loves school so she won't oversleep on purpose. If she's in bed by 11:30 and sleeping by 12 then she gets more than 7 solid hours of sleep. Some days she's tired and she knows why! She tells me it's because she was up late in her room but she does do well in school, so...oh, and on Shabbos and Sunday she sleeps late.

tichellady, how late is a late night? If I said no bedtime she'd be up until 2 am!!


Is it so bad if she’s up until 2 am once a week? Can she sleep in? I don’t see what the big deal is. I feel like this is what teenagers do
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groisamomma




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 07 2019, 11:57 pm
tichellady wrote:
Is it so bad if she’s up until 2 am once a week? Can she sleep in? I don’t see what the big deal is. I feel like this is what teenagers do


Hence the reason I'm asking. If that's what most normal teenagers do then I want to know that. I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional environment so I don't have a frame of reference. I would have loved someone to care enough to enforce bedtime and structure! But I don't want to stifle her, either.
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 12:46 am
I think it’s normal and I had a fun happy childhood. We weren’t out so late at night but I could be at a friends house ( my parents had to know whose house) up talking that late etc
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LovesHashem




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 3:14 am
I don't think she should have a bedtime. From around the age most people included me did not have bedtimes. We had curfews and times electronics needed to be off. Besides from that it was our responsibility to learn how much sleep our body needs and make sure we are up on time.

I think it's very healthy to let teens figure that out themselves.
I think you have a realistic curfew. But she is a teen now and she will make stupid decisions (we all did) like talking on the phone till 1am; or ignoring your homework. The only way to learn independence, responsibility, and that things have consequences are by just trying stuff out.

For example feeling the lack of sleep when you went to sleep at 1 or 2 the night before will make you realize that you need to go to bed earlier.
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amother




Vermilion


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 3:18 am
10:30 is pretty late for a 14 year old to be out on a weeknight. 11:00 is a reasonable cerfew, after 11 is late to go to bed on school nights.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 3:21 am
amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:
10:30 is pretty late for a 14 year old to be out on a weeknight. 11:00 is a reasonable cerfew, after 11 is late to go to bed on school nights.


I disagree. Studying for tests and hanging out by friends. I was home a lot at 10.30 or 11.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 3:22 am
As a teen, it's important for them to figure out for themselves cause and effect. If they are allowed to go to bed whenever, and they feel horrible in the morning and can't focus in school, they'll figure it out and self regulate on their own. If you enforce a bed time, it will just backfire, and an important lesson will be missed.

As far as staying out late, it really depends on where you live, what the neighborhood is like, and if DD will be indoors or out. I live in a very safe neighborhood in Israel, and at night the parks will all be packed with teens, just sitting and talking, or going for walks along the trails. It's all extremely parve and nothing weird is going on, even at 12 or 1 in the morning (when I like to walk my dog.)

If your neighborhood is prone to gang violence, druggies in the park, or other unpleasant things, then make sure she's not hanging out there. Shopping malls are pretty safe, but they all close around 10pm.

It's completely reasonable to ask her to call and let you know where she is, and what time she expects to be home. It's also reasonable to have her call if plans change or she changes locations. "I'm at Chani's, but Leah wants us all to go ice skating. We'll be going back to Leah's for snacks afterward."
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DrMom




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 3:27 am
I'm not sure what time she has to get up for school in the morning, but to me, staying out until 11 pm on a school night on a regular basis sounds late.
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amother




Orange


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 3:40 am
I agree with LovesHashem. She is too old for a bedtime (although you can of course encourage and advise her. But I wouldn't enforce). She is too old to have to beg her father for permission to stay up late.

As for staying out - depends when and where. If she's with good kids in a safe spot, I think 10:30 is reasonable for a weekday, but I would make exceptions here and there if she wants. Also depends if she needs to get up at 6 or 8 every morning.

Saturday nights I would let her have free reign to stay up till one am if everyone is doing it...only problem is I would wait up for her and lose sleep.
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amother




Ruby


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 4:08 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
It's all extremely parve and nothing weird is going on, even at 12 or 1 in the morning (when I like to walk my dog.)


Depends where you live. Aren't you from RBS? The type of people out that late in random parks where I live in RBS are the kinds of kids who do drugs, alcohol, and go to ben yehudah thursday nights.
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groisamomma




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 4:08 am
The neighborhood is safe, but even so she's usually just out on the porch, and not going anywhere. FF, that's what I mean by outside. She doesn't go to shopping malls or places like that by herself or with friends yet, especially at night! She'd rather have her friends over here.

The real issue is what time her friends have to leave and she needs to be inside the house. Not so much the bedtime, because once they leave she winds down and goes to bed. She asks for extra time for them to be here, not to stay up late. Personally, I want the house to myself at that hour! I don't want to see her friends coming out of her room to leave the house when I'm already in pajamas. Does no one else mind friends underfoot so late at night??
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amother




Orange


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 4:15 am
groisamomma wrote:
The neighborhood is safe, but even so she's usually just out on the porch, and not going anywhere. FF, that's what I mean by outside. She doesn't go to shopping malls or places like that by herself or with friends yet, especially at night! She'd rather have her friends over here.

The real issue is what time her friends have to leave and she needs to be inside the house. Not so much the bedtime, because once they leave she winds down and goes to bed. She asks for extra time for them to be here, not to stay up late. Personally, I want the house to myself at that hour! I don't want to see her friends coming out of her room to leave the house when I'm already in pajamas. Does no one else mind friends underfoot so late at night??


Wait till you have 16 or 17 or 20 year olds.
My older dd's at university but her friends visit on Shabbat and stay till 3 am.
The house is never 'mine'.
I mind but I am happy that my kids are social and that their friends like coming here.
They usually sit outside so it bothers me less. But yes, they come in for snacks and bathroom.
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DrMom




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 5:10 am
groisamomma wrote:
The neighborhood is safe, but even so she's usually just out on the porch, and not going anywhere. FF, that's what I mean by outside. She doesn't go to shopping malls or places like that by herself or with friends yet, especially at night! She'd rather have her friends over here.

The real issue is what time her friends have to leave and she needs to be inside the house. Not so much the bedtime, because once they leave she winds down and goes to bed. She asks for extra time for them to be here, not to stay up late. Personally, I want the house to myself at that hour! I don't want to see her friends coming out of her room to leave the house when I'm already in pajamas. Does no one else mind friends underfoot so late at night??

To me, this is not "going out."
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abound




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Nov 08 2019, 5:18 am
I think you need to ask other people in your city, every country and city and school will have a different set of expectations about this.
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