Who brings the gift

amother

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 9:34 am

Thanks for the input. I agree that the host should be gifted; question was who is usually responsible for this.

I find that I'm usually giving on both ends (meaning when I put up company at a neighbor also) and wondering if I'm always supposed to be the giver.

What if I spin the question like this:
Im putting up some guests at a neighbor for shabbos, should I be sending a gift? Or should my guests will be bringing one?

amother

Wine

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 9:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You should gift your neighbors for doing you the favor.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 10:15 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

I would bring. I keep wines in my house for that reason just in case I don't have time to get anything else (I don't live so close to a store that has a normal gift/platter)

Why did I get a hug? I'm just curious.

I always bring something, but sometimes it's just a bottle of wine (with a note). also if somebody does who's my guests, I always send the present to them.

amother

Blue

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 10:25 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for the input. I agree that the host should be gifted; question was who is usually responsible for this.

You are approaching this incorrectly.

A gift is is a communication between the giver and the receiver - not something that a person is supposed to have. That's why there is no redundancy if both the guest, and the person who requested the hospitality give one.

amother

Blue

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 10:28 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What if I spin the question like this:
Im putting up some guests at a neighbor for shabbos, should I be sending a gift? Or should my guests will be bringing one?

If you have a great relationship with your neighbor - and you do favors for each all the time - then it would be probably strange to give her a present.

Your guests will follow their own code of politeness/courtesy/manners.

amother

Green

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 10:31 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Both

amother

Wine

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 10:59 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

No. Hosting strangers is a big imposition. It's always gracious to acknowledge the hard work and inconvenience that goes into that favor. It's work before, during, and after.

zaq

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 11:36 am

I never go empty handed. If the Baalei haSimcha have given mine host a gift, lovely, that’s an expression of THEIR appreciation; my gift is a token of MY gratitude.And if they haven’t given a gift, all the more important for me to do so.

It’s not that the host “needs” a gift, it’s that a mensch shows appreciation. I go for consumables like wine or fruit and nut platters since hosts are usually well-established adults who are unlikely to have use for another cute serving dish or napkin holder. Even though the gift is a token, it would be nice if the host got some use out of it.

amother

Peach

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 12:11 pm

When my neighbors make a simcha and ask me if my guest room is available for their company, they always send a gift. Sometimes the people sleeping over in my home will bring a gift as well. The gifts are very thoughtful and I thank them for it but really it is my pleasure to help and my mitzvah as well!
But I think it's the baalas simcha's job to send a hostess gift.

amother

Silver

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 12:20 pm

I am surprised that this is even a question. Of course the guest should bring some kind of hostess gift - I don't go for a dinner or other gathering without something, let alone a situation where someone has "gifted" me with a free room.

As others have pointed out, providing someone with the use of a room is a burden for the hosts. To some extent it represents an infringement of the peaceful enjoyment of their home without strangers and it always represents some amount of work for the hostess - unless the host is being supplied with a cleaning surface SOMEONE has to clean the room; the bathroom and wash and change the linens - towels, sheets and duvet covers.

The issue of stripping the bed has me confused. Are there hosts who don't change the linen after it has been slept on? I can't imagine a scenario in which unused/clean sheets aren't on the bed for guests. The only time I wouldn't imagine doing this is if very close family members slept in a bed - e.g. if I take a nap in my mother's bed when visiting, she wouldn't change the sheets and vice versa - e.g. if she napped in my bed. Also when I think sheets are sometimes shared with cousins as I generally would sleep with my cousins when I visited overnight and vice versa as the cousins would sleep with my kids and I wouldn't feel a need to change linens for them. However, the ick factor for sleeping in sheets that had not been changed when a stranger had used them is high.

But circling back to the original question, I don't understand how the norms of any community would be such that a hostess gift isn't the "right" thing to do. What would be the cost of even the cheapest motel room? And it doesn't have to be expensive - Trader Joe's has a lot of very inexpensive food items that can be put together for a wonderful hostess gift.

agreer

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 12:20 pm

I'm gonna disagree with most but agree with Amother Peach.

It's ABSOLUTELY the Baalas Simcha's job to bring the gift. She is the reason the guests are coming. If she had enough room in her house, she would host her own guests.

Since the baalas simcha doesn't have room, she is the one asking favors from her neighbors. It is her obligation to thank them. It's as if she's reserving the room, but instead of sleeping there herself, she's putting up her family.

If the guest brings a gift TOO, that is very mentschlich but it's not the main gift. The Baalas Simcha should really gift them primarily.

amother

Wine

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 1:04 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

Yes - and sometimes that acknowledgement is a hug and a thank-you - not a gift.

It doesn't work for me. I don't want to deal with this to begin with. If you come to my house and set up the guest room and them clean up their bathroom and bedroom and tell them to go in and out through the window, so I don't lose privacy, and supply them with breakfast and snacks, then your hug and thank you well be sufficient.

But if you inconvenience these host even for a moment, then it is insufficient.

amother

Khaki

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 1:05 pm

agreer wrote:

But if the guest would sleep by baalas simcha the guest would bring HER a gift,NO?

I think that a gift is never necessary or mandatory but it shows appreciation and it's definitely very nice to show your hakaras hatov.
It's also easier to host again when previous guest were polite and brought a gift!!
if you can't afford a gift, a card giving a bracha to the hostess is also appreciated!

amother

Navy

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 6:25 pm

No need to give me a gift. But please DO make sure the door is closed behind you when you come in for the night, not leaving it to open widely for bugs, animals not to mention intruders. Please DO NOT leave your first floor bedroom window open wide open when you leave for the day, especially in 30 degree weather. Yes, my recent experiences with 2 different guests.

amother

Blue

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 7:18 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Our relationships doesn't sound like one I described.

amother

Wine

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 7:27 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

Our relationships doesn't sound like one I described.

You are failing to understand what a major imposition hosting strangers is. It's not something I enjoy. It's not something my family enjoys. Shabbos is our family time. We love to host our friends.

It is good manners not to show up empty handed when someone turns their home into a free hotel for you. If you think a hug and a thank you is sufficient, I won't host your guests again.

amother

Apricot

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 7:29 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

This! Why does it matter what the other person is doing? If a person is hosting your guests, show them your appreciation and thank them for it. Why does it matter if they'll get another gift from the guest as well? Does it really matter to you that the host will get two gifts for taking in your guests?