Who brings the gift

amother

Blue

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 7:33 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

You are failing to understand what a major imposition hosting strangers is. It's not something I enjoy. It's not something my family enjoys. Shabbos is our family time. We love to host our friends.

It is good manners not to show up empty handed when someone turns their home into a free hotel for you. If you think a hug and a thank you is sufficient, I won't host your guests again.

If we were friends - I would know this about you.

I host for friends. They host for me. There is no back and forth of gifts. Why? Because given our relationship - it would be silly and wasteful. There are other ways to show appreciation - like for example - reciprocity.

imamothertoo

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 8:07 pm

Rule of thumb is that one doesn’t walk into someone’s home as a guest empty handed. It doesn’t need to be a big gift but just some token of appreciation for someone who is hosting you.
If one goes to a sibling for shabbos they would offer to make something for shabbos and if not they would bring a gift or something for the kids or a platter or wine. I would not feel comfortable walking into a strangers home where I know they had to change and wash the linens before and after me and the bathroom as well and not bring g some token of appreciation. Whether the person whose Simcha I am coming for gave a gift or not, that is not instead of my hakoras ha Tov for my host.

amother

Wine

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 8:13 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

First it was a hug and a thank you. Now you host for each other. You are right that we wouldn't be friends.

My rooms are occupied when someone can't manage even a token gift. I don't care what it is, it is not gracious to show up empty handed.

amother

Blue

Sun, Nov 10 2019, 8:26 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Did you read my first post on that?

Quote:

If you have a great relationship with your neighbor - and you do favors for each all the time - then it would be probably strange to give her a present.

Do you have people in your life like this?

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:42 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Personally, while I don't have a ton of space, I love to do chessed when possible.

If it's that much of an imposition to you, I'd rather you didn't agree to host guests for me. Make any excuse in the world, just don't say yes. I would hate that you're not 100% okay with helping me out, and while I would certainly do my best to show my gratitude, I'd fear that whatever I'd give wouldn't satisfy you. (When you're asking for a lot of people to host, and making a simcha on top of it, there's only so much you can spend on each hostess gift.)

amother

Green

Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:57 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

It's not about the cost of the gift, it's about thoughtfulness. Make sure you show Hakarat hatov.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Nov 11 2019, 2:07 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

It's not about the cost of the gift, it's about thoughtfulness. Make sure you show Hakarat hatov.

For sure, but the recipient/host should also not be "expecting" the gift. Yes, it's only appropriate that one be given, but if for whatever reason the only expression of hakaras hatov is the "Thank you" (and possibly the aforementioned "hug"), that should suffice. I don't think amother Wine would be satisfied because she's done something that's such an imposition and requires much more acknowledgment.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Nov 11 2019, 9:20 am

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

That's not fair, especially if as you say you don't have the room to host guests.
I live in a small OOT community which means whenever there is a simcha on shabbos the baal simcha has to put up her whole family. I can have guests in my basement for 5-6 shabbosim in a row. Besides for the before and after cleanup there is the lack of privacy and hardest for me is that my playroom is off the guest room so it becomes off limits for that shabbos. I will happily host guests anyway but it's not fair to say it's not an imposition and if I'm not in it 100% I should say no.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Nov 11 2019, 12:10 pm

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

I hear you, but if it comes to the point (5-6 weeks in a row is A LOT!!!) that you are resentful of doing it, I would rather you not say yes...