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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Guests
BetsyTacy
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 Mon, Nov 11 2019, 11:06 am
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Okay emerald, let us know were you being sarcastic? If you weren't, well there goes another one for the "alien" thread.
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amother
Khaki
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 11:07 am
| groovy1224 wrote: | Clearly you are terrible at being a guest if you think it is normal to eat kugel in bed?? In someone else's home??
Is that how people justify disgusting behavior? By saying their hosts are earning olam haba by putting up with them? |
I’m a terrible mother also I don’t let my kids do this or my husband food gets eaten by a table sometimes on the couch
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amother
Emerald
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 11:40 am
Emerald here. I was being sarcastic, but the idea, like Law and Order, was ripped from true life. I have many horror stories. I have people, who I am not friends with at all- have never been to their home, was not invited to the communal Shul Kiddush they made, and have never even actually spoke to, call me up and ask to use my guest room-"I was talking to so-in-so's guest in Shul and they said that they were staying by you, and that you have a beautiful guest room. I am making a simcha in 6 weeks, can my guest stay by you?" I am happy to host for you are my friend, and I will never say no because I assume if you ask than you have a need, but it can border on ridiculous.
My favorite was, I was in my home less that a month. I live near the hospital and have a guest room. One of the first friends I made, her husband was in charge of the hospital's Bikor Cholim.
I get a call from my new friend who says, my husband got a call from this woman who wants to stay here for Shabbos to visit her brother in the hospital. I don't know her or anything about her, but would you be open to having her? I think, Hashem gave me a beautiful home with space, what a wonderful opportunity to do a mitzvah. I say sure. I have no information, just a fairly generic name, no information or degrees of separation - she is not a cousin of a friend....)hindsight being 20-20, not so safe to let a stranger in your home, but I was young and idealistic/naive and I thought a somer Shabbos Jew needs a place for Shabbos.) She shows up 4.5 hours before Shabbos and sits in my house watching me! Why did she not go to the hospital to spend time with her brother? I had small children at the time and was running around like a maniac. She did not offer to do anything-to read a book to my kid, to emulsion blend my soup as I did it with a baby on my hip, to set the table.... I offered her a snack, I offered fruit, a yogurt, a peanut butter sandwich, a bowl of cereal, some cookies.... she announces in a way that was belittling to me, that I should know better if I call myself frum, that SHE doesn't eat mezonos after chatzot, fruit is not sufficiently filling as she had not had anything since breakfast, and that she is lactose intolerant. (Oh, side note, she lived less than an hour away-its not like she flew or had been traveling all day. Additionally, she drove in and there are plenty of kosher establishments where she could have gotten something to eat before showing up.)
She looked at my Shabbos chicken, which I had just taken out of the oven, and said that she would have a piece of that. Question ladies, I am not so knowledgeable, is there a concept of not eating mezonos, but ok to be eating meat on Friday afternoon? I apologized that we were out for lunch, and that we don't enjoy leftovers, so that I had actually made exactly the amount that I needed for my family for Friday night, and didn't have any to spare. I offered her turkey slices from the fridge, but she said that without crackers or bread-mezonos, she didn't want that. She also asked for a key, when I showed her how to use the Shabbos lock and was highly offered when I declined to give her one, stating that her brother knows this big rabbi and this other big rabbi, so she should be trusted with a key. (I didn't have spares or children with keys to even take away from them and give to her).
The next morning in Shul, she told my Rabbi, that she is unfortunately staying at my house and that I am not mikayem the mitzva of hacnasat orchim and a terrible hostess. (Remember I had also just moved to the community about a month ago).
-Oh, and referencing that other thread, clearly she did not bring a gift when she came. Not that I need something, just referring to the entitlement and lack of Hakarat Hatov.
Can anyone top that? Would love to hear your horror stories.
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amother
Emerald
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 11:42 am
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Sorry it took me so long to respond. It was a lot of typing.
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allthingsblue
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 11:44 am
| amother [ Emerald ] wrote: | Emerald here. I was being sarcastic, but the idea, like Law and Order, was ripped from true life. I have many horror stories. I have people, who I am not friends with at all- have never been to their home, was not invited to the communal Shul Kiddush they made, and have never even actually spoke to, call me up and ask to use my guest room-"I was talking to so-in-so's guest in Shul and they said that they were staying by you, and that you have a beautiful guest room. I am making a simcha in 6 weeks, can my guest stay by you?" I am happy to host for you are my friend, and I will never say no because I assume if you ask than you have a need, but it can border on ridiculous.
My favorite was, I was in my home less that a month. I live near the hospital and have a guest room. One of the first friends I made, her husband was in charge of the hospital's Bikor Cholim.
I get a call from my new friend who says, my husband got a call from this woman who wants to stay here for Shabbos to visit her brother in the hospital. I don't know her or anything about her, but would you be open to having her? I think, Hashem gave me a beautiful home with space, what a wonderful opportunity to do a mitzvah. I say sure. I have no information, just a fairly generic name, no information or degrees of separation - she is not a cousin of a friend....)hindsight being 20-20, not so safe to let a stranger in your home, but I was young and idealistic/naive and I thought a somer Shabbos Jew needs a place for Shabbos.) She shows up 4.5 hours before Shabbos and sits in my house watching me! Why did she not go to the hospital to spend time with her brother? I had small children at the time and was running around like a maniac. She did not offer to do anything-to read a book to my kid, to emulsion blend my soup as I did it with a baby on my hip, to set the table.... I offered her a snack, I offered fruit, a yogurt, a peanut butter sandwich, a bowl of cereal, some cookies.... she announces in a way that was belittling to me, that I should know better if I call myself frum, that SHE doesn't eat mezonos after chatzot, fruit is not sufficiently filling as she had not had anything since breakfast, and that she is lactose intolerant. (Oh, side note, she lived less than an hour away-its not like she flew or had been traveling all day. Additionally, she drove in and there are plenty of kosher establishments where she could have gotten something to eat before showing up.)
She looked at my Shabbos chicken, which I had just taken out of the oven, and said that she would have a piece of that. Question ladies, I am not so knowledgeable, is there a concept of not eating mezonos, but ok to be eating meat on Friday afternoon? I apologized that we were out for lunch, and that we don't enjoy leftovers, so that I had actually made exactly the amount that I needed for my family for Friday night, and didn't have any to spare. I offered her turkey slices from the fridge, but she said that without crackers or bread-mezonos, she didn't want that. She also asked for a key, when I showed her how to use the Shabbos lock and was highly offered when I declined to give her one, stating that her brother knows this big rabbi and this other big rabbi, so she should be trusted with a key. (I didn't have spares or children with keys to even take away from them and give to her).
The next morning in Shul, she told my Rabbi, that she is unfortunately staying at my house and that I am not mikayem the mitzva of hacnasat orchim and a terrible hostess. (Remember I had also just moved to the community about a month ago).
-Oh, and referencing that other thread, clearly she did not bring a gift when she came. Not that I need something, just referring to the entitlement and lack of Hakarat Hatov.
Can anyone top that? Would love to hear your horror stories. |
That is truly horrifying.
This type of story makes me think of Rebbetzin Machlis and how great she was for putting up with so many difficult and ungrateful characters in her home.
I never heard of no mezonos after chatzos- and I'm 100% certain it would be preferable to eat mezonos even if it's your minhag not too rather than bother one's hostess on erev Shabbos. That's the height of ingratitude and she clearly has issues.
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amother
Emerald
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 11:48 am
| allthingsblue wrote: | That is truly horrifying.
This type of story makes me think of Rebbetzin Machlis and how great she was for putting up with so many difficult and ungrateful characters in her home.
I never heard of no mezonos after chatzos- and I'm 100% certain it would be preferable to eat mezonos even if it's your minhag not too rather than bother one's hostess on erev Shabbos. That's the height of ingratitude and she clearly has issues. |
The big difference between Rebbitzen Machlis and me, is that she did it over and over, with pleasure and a smile and I said never again.
But I will take being placed in the same sentence as her any day! Thank you.
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Chayalle
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 11:57 am
Yikes emerald.
I have a sister who happens to be amazing at hachnosas orchim, and she too told me she learned not to host people she doesn't know unless they come with recommendations. This came after she literally didn't sleep all Shabbos because she had a guest who paid too much uncomfortable attention to her very pretty young teen, even asking to be invited to an event she was having, stuff that was totally inappropriate, and she felt she had to be vigilant on her kids' behalf all Shabbos.
I don't know how Rebetzin Machlis A"H did what she did, but all I can say is, a person has to know where they are holding. I won't pretend to be her. I do host neighbors' company for Simchas (I live right near two popular Simcha halls) as long as I know the people whose guests I am hosting and am comfortable with who they are and trust they would place people I'm comfortable with in my home.
My pet peeve with guests is babysitting, which I do not offer. Don't get me started on that....suffice it to say that I make it clear that it doesn't come along with the accommodations (there is an Eiruv.)
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amother
Brown
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 12:01 pm
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We're supposed to prioritize our own ruchnius and other's gashmius. The guest and the host are supposed to each politely argue that the other shouldn't have to clean or serve.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 12:22 pm
| amother [ Emerald ] wrote: | Clearly you are terribly at the mitzvah of hacnasat orchim if you are so restrictive and suffocating of your guests.
It is a mitzva to make them comfortable and if that means eating your Shabbos kugel, made special for your family, in your bed and getting grease stains on your furniture, so be it. Learn to be gracious and your schar will come in Olam Haba. |
Whoa!!! I give you a bracha that you have lots of sloppy guests who abuse your house and make you lots of extra work, so you have a lofty place in olam haba.
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amother
Emerald
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 12:26 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Whoa!!! I give you a bracha that you have lots of sloppy guests who abuse your house and make you lots of extra work, so you have a lofty place in olam haba. |
Please don't.
It was sarcasm.
Not sure if you saw the entire thread and are being sarcastic as well.
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amother
Emerald
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 12:33 pm
| Chayalle wrote: |
My pet peeve with guests is babysitting, which I do not offer. Don't get me started on that....suffice it to say that I make it clear that it doesn't come along with the accommodations (there is an Eiruv.) |
Our Shul put out a pamphlet of kids in the community who are interested in babysitting. I give it to the guests and say that I sometimes go to sleep early or if I am not tired that I go around the corner to visit a friend, but these are the kids recommended by the youth department, who put together the list, and they are more than welcome to hire a baby-sitter to come to my house if they would like.
(We have an Eruv as well, and they usually take the kids.)
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amother
OP
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 12:55 pm
| amother [ Emerald ] wrote: | Clearly you are terribly at the mitzvah of hacnasat orchim if you are so restrictive and suffocating of your guests.
It is a mitzva to make them comfortable and if that means eating your Shabbos kugel, made special for your family, in your bed and getting grease stains on your furniture, so be it. Learn to be gracious and your schar will come in Olam Haba. |
I can draw 2 conclusions from this nasty statement. I-that ur spoiled and entitled. 2--that no one asks u to host bc ur house is probably overrun by roaches and mice.
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amother
Blonde
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:02 pm
| amother [ Khaki ] wrote: | | Clearly you don’t host often or never host!!! OMG I can’t believe someone even thinks this |
I host all the time. My guest rooms are usually full year round. And I'm working on myself, but my husband says this all the time - our job is to make guests feel comfortable and happy, even if it doesn't coincide with what we want. We used to put up a sign asking guests to follow certain guidelines. We've since taken it down.
I wouldn't tell my mother how to behave. My guests should feel comfortable, and if that means they eat in the guest room, then they eat.
And honestly, I clean for pesach all the time. It's not that hard. Even if you insisted guests never eat in there, you should be checking anyway, and all it is is a vaccum. That's it. Halacha doesn't insist you boil your sheets or start checking for anything more that relatively larger pieces of food. Not crumbs.
And this will out me - but once I found a half-eaten pastrami sandwich under a bed, so I've had my own share of difficult guests.
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imorethanamother
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:03 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Whoa!!! I give you a bracha that you have lots of sloppy guests who abuse your house and make you lots of extra work, so you have a lofty place in olam haba. |
Why is this turning so nasty? If this gets you so worked up, then maybe you shouldn't post about it? Just do what you want to do, and not ask anyone's opinion.
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allthingsblue
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:04 pm
I can't believe everyone took emerald so seriously.
RIP satire
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amother
Brown
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:04 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I can draw 2 conclusions from this nasty statement. I-that ur spoiled and entitled. 2--that no one asks u to host bc ur house is probably overrun by roaches and mice. |
It's still sarcasm.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:07 pm
| amother [ Emerald ] wrote: | Emerald here. I was being sarcastic, but the idea, like Law and Order, was ripped from true life. I have many horror stories. I have people, who I am not friends with at all- have never been to their home, was not invited to the communal Shul Kiddush they made, and have never even actually spoke to, call me up and ask to use my guest room-"I was talking to so-in-so's guest in Shul and they said that they were staying by you, and that you have a beautiful guest room. I am making a simcha in 6 weeks, can my guest stay by you?" I am happy to host for you are my friend, and I will never say no because I assume if you ask than you have a need, but it can border on ridiculous.
My favorite was, I was in my home less that a month. I live near the hospital and have a guest room. One of the first friends I made, her husband was in charge of the hospital's Bikor Cholim.
I get a call from my new friend who says, my husband got a call from this woman who wants to stay here for Shabbos to visit her brother in the hospital. I don't know her or anything about her, but would you be open to having her? I think, Hashem gave me a beautiful home with space, what a wonderful opportunity to do a mitzvah. I say sure. I have no information, just a fairly generic name, no information or degrees of separation - she is not a cousin of a friend....)hindsight being 20-20, not so safe to let a stranger in your home, but I was young and idealistic/naive and I thought a somer Shabbos Jew needs a place for Shabbos.) She shows up 4.5 hours before Shabbos and sits in my house watching me! Why did she not go to the hospital to spend time with her brother? I had small children at the time and was running around like a maniac. She did not offer to do anything-to read a book to my kid, to emulsion blend my soup as I did it with a baby on my hip, to set the table.... I offered her a snack, I offered fruit, a yogurt, a peanut butter sandwich, a bowl of cereal, some cookies.... she announces in a way that was belittling to me, that I should know better if I call myself frum, that SHE doesn't eat mezonos after chatzot, fruit is not sufficiently filling as she had not had anything since breakfast, and that she is lactose intolerant. (Oh, side note, she lived less than an hour away-its not like she flew or had been traveling all day. Additionally, she drove in and there are plenty of kosher establishments where she could have gotten something to eat before showing up.)
She looked at my Shabbos chicken, which I had just taken out of the oven, and said that she would have a piece of that. Question ladies, I am not so knowledgeable, is there a concept of not eating mezonos, but ok to be eating meat on Friday afternoon? I apologized that we were out for lunch, and that we don't enjoy leftovers, so that I had actually made exactly the amount that I needed for my family for Friday night, and didn't have any to spare. I offered her turkey slices from the fridge, but she said that without crackers or bread-mezonos, she didn't want that. She also asked for a key, when I showed her how to use the Shabbos lock and was highly offered when I declined to give her one, stating that her brother knows this big rabbi and this other big rabbi, so she should be trusted with a key. (I didn't have spares or children with keys to even take away from them and give to her).
The next morning in Shul, she told my Rabbi, that she is unfortunately staying at my house and that I am not mikayem the mitzva of hacnasat orchim and a terrible hostess. (Remember I had also just moved to the community about a month ago).
-Oh, and referencing that other thread, clearly she did not bring a gift when she came. Not that I need something, just referring to the entitlement and lack of Hakarat Hatov.
Can anyone top that? Would love to hear your horror stories. |
That's a very long explanation . Next time you add a remark that's supposed to be sarcastic, add an emoji or something to let us know. Obviously, most of us did not understand that to be sarcasm.
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strawberry cola
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:42 pm
Emerald, I feel so bad that you had that experience. It sounds like the woman had serious issues. And I'm sorry that people are attacking you on this website because they weren't clear that you were joking.
Wishing you a lovely day and wonderful guests
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Chayalle
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:51 pm
| amother [ Blonde ] wrote: | I host all the time. My guest rooms are usually full year round. And I'm working on myself, but my husband says this all the time - our job is to make guests feel comfortable and happy, even if it doesn't coincide with what we want. We used to put up a sign asking guests to follow certain guidelines. We've since taken it down.
I wouldn't tell my mother how to behave. My guests should feel comfortable, and if that means they eat in the guest room, then they eat.
And honestly, I clean for pesach all the time. It's not that hard. Even if you insisted guests never eat in there, you should be checking anyway, and all it is is a vaccum. That's it. Halacha doesn't insist you boil your sheets or start checking for anything more that relatively larger pieces of food. Not crumbs.
And this will out me - but once I found a half-eaten pastrami sandwich under a bed, so I've had my own share of difficult guests. |
I respectfully disagree with your husband.
I don't feel that hosting guests comfortably means they can invent their own house rules at my expense, and that I just have to put up with it. And what's not hard for you may very well be much harder for me. I work full time, I don't afford alot of cleaning help, and I do what works for me.
My Rav always says that often when we set boundaries to the mitzvos we do, it enables us to do more mitzvos.
I bet there are some people who won't host guests because it presents too much hardship for them. This of course makes it hard for the Baalei Simcha who need guest space. IMVHO it's preferable to set boundaries - I'm happy to host for you, but please pass on that I cannot accommodate XYZ (no babysitting, no food in rooms, etc..) - than not host.
I gave out my guest space on Shabbos HaGadol with clear instructions that not only can no Chometz be brought to the rooms, but no food altogether as I would be using those rooms over Y"T for my own guests with no time other than to change the linen - and the Baalei Simcha were happy to have the space. I don't see it as a problem to set whatever house rules work for the hosts, and guests who need more comfort than that are welcome to find their own accommodations.
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amother
Khaki
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Mon, Nov 11 2019, 1:55 pm
| amother [ Blonde ] wrote: | I host all the time. My guest rooms are usually full year round. And I'm working on myself, but my husband says this all the time - our job is to make guests feel comfortable and happy, even if it doesn't coincide with what we want. We used to put up a sign asking guests to follow certain guidelines. We've since taken it down.
I wouldn't tell my mother how to behave. My guests should feel comfortable, and if that means they eat in the guest room, then they eat.
And honestly, I clean for pesach all the time. It's not that hard. Even if you insisted guests never eat in there, you should be checking anyway, and all it is is a vaccum. That's it. Halacha doesn't insist you boil your sheets or start checking for anything more that relatively larger pieces of food. Not crumbs.
And this will out me - but once I found a half-eaten pastrami sandwich under a bed, so I've had my own share of difficult guests. |
My house my rules!!
I’m seriously happy to give out my room but remember I’m not ur slave, I’m not your cleaning lady I’m only asking for basic decency. The rules I have for my guest room apply to me my husband and my kids so why should it be different with guest. I’m not saying be up at 8am etc. it’s grown people you don’t need to munch on cake and super snack there’s always candies and chocolate in the room with water.
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