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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Guests
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amother
Lavender
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 Tue, Nov 12 2019, 2:38 pm
| watergirl wrote: | | I'm so confused. Did this couple not go to a seder? They were in your home while you were at a seder - why? It was just a couple? How could two people eat 3 meals worth of food during the time they should have been at a seder? Are you sure they really had somewhere to go for the sedarim and YT meals? |
They went to the seder across the street. The neighbor asked us to host their BHguests. We went to a friend's seder about 15 minutes away. The guests didn't like the food there because the woman cooked with schmaltz. They said it was not healthy.
The couple were both large people obviously with large appetites.
My same across the street neighbors asked me to host their daughter and her large family for Pesach. They gave me a weird single guy instead who went exploring in my second floor. I heard him. We prepared a large space for her and her family. It was a space I normally close off for Pesach.
Another time a guest answered the door with her turban on her head but otherwise completely naked. She was 7 or 8 months pregnant. She was in the process of becoming frum. They told her to cover the hair on her head. They forgot to discuss the rest of tznius.
I have had it with crying babies because the mom wants to sleep.
I got stuck with guests being on their phone and not going to shul.
I had a guest scratch gold plated Lenox to see it was real. It is and now it's scratched real Lennox. I had my silver scratched for the same reason.
Guests have broken plates and Waterford salt and pepper shakers. They were not eating guests and should not have been touching my things.
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amother
Aquamarine
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Tue, Nov 12 2019, 2:44 pm
| amother [ Lavender ] wrote: | They went to the seder across the street. The neighbor asked us to host their BHguests. We went to a friend's seder about 15 minutes away. The guests didn't like the food there because the woman cooked with schmaltz. They said it was not healthy.
The couple were both large people obviously with large appetites.
My same across the street neighbors asked me to host their daughter and her large family for Pesach. They gave me a weird single guy instead who went exploring in my second floor. I heard him. We prepared a large space for her and her family. It was a space I normally close off for Pesach.
Another time a guest answered the door with her turban on her head but otherwise completely naked. She was 7 or 8 months pregnant. She was in the process of becoming frum. They told her to cover the hair on her head. They forgot to discuss the rest of tznius.
I have had it with crying babies because the mom wants to sleep.
I got stuck with guests being on their phone and not going to shul.
I had a guest scratch gold plated Lenox to see it was real. It is and now it's scratched real Lennox. I had my silver scratched for the same reason.
Guests have broken plates and Waterford salt and pepper shakers. They were not eating guests and should not have been touching my things. |
Why on earth do you keep hosting?
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urban gypsy
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Tue, Nov 12 2019, 2:48 pm
| amother [ Lavender ] wrote: | They went to the seder across the street. The neighbor asked us to host their BHguests. We went to a friend's seder about 15 minutes away. The guests didn't like the food there because the woman cooked with schmaltz. They said it was not healthy.
The couple were both large people obviously with large appetites.
My same across the street neighbors asked me to host their daughter and her large family for Pesach. They gave me a weird single guy instead who went exploring in my second floor. I heard him. We prepared a large space for her and her family. It was a space I normally close off for Pesach.
Another time a guest answered the door with her turban on her head but otherwise completely naked. She was 7 or 8 months pregnant. She was in the process of becoming frum. They told her to cover the hair on her head. They forgot to discuss the rest of tznius.
I have had it with crying babies because the mom wants to sleep.
I got stuck with guests being on their phone and not going to shul.
I had a guest scratch gold plated Lenox to see it was real. It is and now it's scratched real Lennox. I had my silver scratched for the same reason.
Guests have broken plates and Waterford salt and pepper shakers. They were not eating guests and should not have been touching my things. |
Tag yourself everyone!
I'm the guest who scratched the gold plated Lenox 
Seriously, why do you keep hosting?
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watergirl
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Tue, Nov 12 2019, 2:59 pm
| amother [ Lavender ] wrote: | They went to the seder across the street. The neighbor asked us to host their BHguests. We went to a friend's seder about 15 minutes away. The guests didn't like the food there because the woman cooked with schmaltz. They said it was not healthy.
The couple were both large people obviously with large appetites.
My same across the street neighbors asked me to host their daughter and her large family for Pesach. They gave me a weird single guy instead who went exploring in my second floor. I heard him. We prepared a large space for her and her family. It was a space I normally close off for Pesach.
Another time a guest answered the door with her turban on her head but otherwise completely naked. She was 7 or 8 months pregnant. She was in the process of becoming frum. They told her to cover the hair on her head. They forgot to discuss the rest of tznius.
I have had it with crying babies because the mom wants to sleep.
I got stuck with guests being on their phone and not going to shul.
I had a guest scratch gold plated Lenox to see it was real. It is and now it's scratched real Lennox. I had my silver scratched for the same reason.
Guests have broken plates and Waterford salt and pepper shakers. They were not eating guests and should not have been touching my things. |
The pesach guests story is almost too weird to be believed! What did you say to these people afterwards? Did they understand what they did? It seems like there’s something mentally wrong with them. And did you tell their actual hosts what they did?
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Ruchel
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Tue, Nov 12 2019, 3:32 pm
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No one thinks naked is less problematic than hair. It's even in the law
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amother
Lavender
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Tue, Nov 12 2019, 8:04 pm
| amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote: | | Why on earth do you keep hosting? |
I won't host strangers anymore. It's a firm NO.
When I started hosting, we're had one of the few extra rooms around. It was a new neighborhood.
People took advantage.
One Rabbi hosted a lot of people becoming frum, so the norms were different. This was the source of most of my problem guests.
I tried to be nice.
People begged for a place. They were desperate.
People have hosted us.
We met friends that way.
Not all our experiences were atrocious.
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amother
Lavender
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Tue, Nov 12 2019, 8:20 pm
| watergirl wrote: | | The pesach guests story is almost too weird to be believed! What did you say to these people afterwards? Did they understand what they did? It seems like there’s something mentally wrong with them. And did you tell their actual hosts what they did? |
I didn't say something to them after because it would only embarrass them. I think maybe they didn't understand how they cost me my food for chol hamoed also. They probably also didn't understand how little food I had.
I didn't tell their hosts at the time what they did. I told them later when I was explaining why I won't host their guests. I think that was 11 years ago, and we have gotten to know each other better. And I am more assertive.
Now that I know them better, I would have told them at the time. They are incredibly generous and would have given me food, I am sure. Instead the friends who hosted us for their seders helped out.
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watergirl
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Tue, Nov 12 2019, 9:07 pm
| amother [ Lavender ] wrote: | I didn't say something to them after because it would only embarrass them. I think maybe they didn't understand how they cost me my food for chol hamoed also. They probably also didn't understand how little food I had.
I didn't tell their hosts at the time what they did. I told them later when I was explaining why I won't host their guests. I think that was 11 years ago, and we have gotten to know each other better. And I am more assertive.
Now that I know them better, I would have told them at the time. They are incredibly generous and would have given me food, I am sure. Instead the friends who hosted us for their seders helped out. |
So crazy! Good for you, not mentioning a word to them. I don't know if I would have been strong enough!
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urban gypsy
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Tue, Nov 12 2019, 10:24 pm
| amother [ Lavender ] wrote: |
The woman was from Amsterdam.
Would you like me to describe her baby trail. |
1) what is the relevance of Amsterdam?
2) what is a baby trail?
Are you trying to prove her identity to me? Trust me I don’t know her, it doesn’t make the story any more believable
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amother
Lavender
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Tue, Nov 12 2019, 10:38 pm
| urban gypsy wrote: | 1) what is the relevance of Amsterdam?
2) what is a baby trail?
Are you trying to prove her identity to me? Trust me I don’t know her, it doesn’t make the story any more believable |
You called me a liar based on nothing. I called you a fool. I couldn't care less if you understand anything I write.
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amother
Lime
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Wed, Nov 13 2019, 1:04 am
| amother [ Lavender ] wrote: | They went to the seder across the street. The neighbor asked us to host their BHguests. We went to a friend's seder about 15 minutes away. The guests didn't like the food there because the woman cooked with schmaltz. They said it was not healthy.
The couple were both large people obviously with large appetites.
My same across the street neighbors asked me to host their daughter and her large family for Pesach. They gave me a weird single guy instead who went exploring in my second floor. I heard him. We prepared a large space for her and her family. It was a space I normally close off for Pesach.
Another time a guest answered the door with her turban on her head but otherwise completely naked. She was 7 or 8 months pregnant. She was in the process of becoming frum. They told her to cover the hair on her head. They forgot to discuss the rest of tznius.
I have had it with crying babies because the mom wants to sleep.
I got stuck with guests being on their phone and not going to shul.
I had a guest scratch gold plated Lenox to see it was real. It is and now it's scratched real Lennox. I had my silver scratched for the same reason.
Guests have broken plates and Waterford salt and pepper shakers. They were not eating guests and should not have been touching my things. |
I think it's reasonable to be a little bit more selective with who you agree to host. Instead of agreeing blindly, you can ask for a bit of information about the prospective guests. If you get a weird vibe, or keep getting sent problematic guests by the same host families, it's ok to say no.
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amother
Lavender
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Wed, Nov 13 2019, 5:50 am
| amother [ Lime ] wrote: | | I think it's reasonable to be a little bit more selective with who you agree to host. Instead of agreeing blindly, you can ask for a bit of information about the prospective guests. If you get a weird vibe, or keep getting sent problematic guests by the same host families, it's ok to say no. |
I don't want any strangers. I rather host my own guests than deal with other people's guests.
It's not only the guests that are annoying. Desperate hosts are annoying with their pressure or substitutes. Strangers calling up with an air on entitlement for my space because they need it can be unpleasant.
Recently I agreed to host a couple because my neighbor was making a simcha. I was sent a family. I specifically said that I don't want little kids. I was scrambling eruv Shabbos.
At least these people kept their clothes on.
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amother
Lime
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Wed, Nov 13 2019, 7:20 am
Ok. I recognize your distinctive writing style now. I don't want to contribute to another circular thread that goes nowhere.
So, I fully concur with your right to host or not host, in whichever way you please. You do what feels best.
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amother
Forestgreen
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Wed, Nov 13 2019, 7:22 am
I think it's the culture of extreme hospitality that encourages entitled and difficult guests. When they have a separate entrance and don't interact with the hosts, they forget that they are in someone's house and not just on their own.
Where I live, almost no one has that kind of dedicated space, and although people here host all the time, crazy guest stories are almost unheard of.
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Ruchel
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Wed, Nov 13 2019, 9:56 am
Separate entrance? wow, I would love for them to finance me too!
I don't host people I don't know, feeding a poor is different and generally not in my home.
My fil zal would pay a hotel room rather than expose his wife and young son to strangers.
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amother
Aquamarine
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Wed, Nov 13 2019, 10:05 am
| amother [ Lavender ] wrote: | I won't host strangers anymore. It's a firm NO.
When I started hosting, we're had one of the few extra rooms around. It was a new neighborhood.
People took advantage.
One Rabbi hosted a lot of people becoming frum, so the norms were different. This was the source of most of my problem guests.
I tried to be nice.
People begged for a place. They were desperate.
People have hosted us.
We met friends that way.
Not all our experiences were atrocious. |
This explains a lot.
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watergirl
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Wed, Nov 13 2019, 10:11 am
| amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote: | | This explains a lot. |
Why? Because baal tesuvahs dont have social skills? Amother Lavender described some crazy situations that no normal person would do, FFB or BT or non-Jew. This is not a BT thing. This is a not normal person thing. No one answers a door naked, other than a nudist or someone with a screw missing. No one eats an entire fridge full of food if they are normal. This has nothing to do with "norms". Everyone knows not to do that. No normal person, bt or ffb, would scrape gold off a plate to see if its real. This rabbi must be looking in a special place for kiruv opportunities.
Please, give us BTs more credit that that! And if you are going to put us down, do it under your own name. Your post broke the amother rule.
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amother
Aquamarine
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Wed, Nov 13 2019, 10:47 am
| watergirl wrote: | Why? Because baal tesuvahs dont have social skills? Amother Lavender described some crazy situations that no normal person would do, FFB or BT or non-Jew. This is not a BT thing. This is a not normal person thing. No one answers a door naked, other than a nudist or someone with a screw missing. No one eats an entire fridge full of food if they are normal. This has nothing to do with "norms". Everyone knows not to do that. No normal person, bt or ffb, would scrape gold off a plate to see if its real. This rabbi must be looking in a special place for kiruv opportunities.
Please, give us BTs more credit that that! And if you are going to put us down, do it under your own name. Your post broke the amother rule. |
Sorry - my fault for not writing more - as I hit submit I knew I'd need to respond to something.
Most of us host for friends, acquaintances and family. There is some 'vetting' happening - most of us don't open our doors, for home stays, to complete strangers.
And it sounds like this Rabbi in particular is attracting a strange bunch of people with his kiruv efforts.
(the conclusion that they are BTs therefor have different 'norms' where the behavior described was not 'normal' anywhere I totally disagree with. I shouldn't have bolded that part).
The woman who was in her room, and opened the door naked after the hostess knocked? Fine. There are cultures where women feel totally comfortable being naked in front of other women. The turban in hair thing was totally incidental to the story).
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