Haves and have nots

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 10:12 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

You feel the way you do because BH you are not destitute. I also read a thread like that and move on. I am very happy with my long gorgeous wig that costs $1200 and couldnt care less if someone spends 10K on a wig.

However, my personal opinion is that they should not ask such questions. It seems callous and in poor taste. Everyone can spend their own money how they see fit and I am happy there are so many frum Jews who are doing well. That being said, as a Jewish person we are obligated to work on our middos and part of that means not causing others anguish. Someone who is rationing their baby's formula will feel anguish reading a thread like that and therefore a rich person should be careful what they say in front of others. You cant go wrong with being tzanuah or sensitive. Other examples: Build yourself a beautiful home and enjoy it but if you are out to lunch with a friend who is renting a 2 bedroom apartment, there is no need to go into detail about the the design of your 8 bedroom house. Or enjoy your Pesach program in Geneva Switzerland but don't talk about how amazing it was to your neighbor who gets tomchei shabbos.

A poor person should also work on themselves and try not to be jealous but that was not the question of this thread.

What you lose is not being able to be yourself with friends. The friendship is diminished when you can't be yourself and keep everything closed in.

My sil is jealous even though she has much more than me. She needs to be top dog all the time. I end up not mentioning vacations or what's doing with my house or how good my kids are doing or anything positive in my life.

We will never be close because of the artifical walls. What's left to talk about?

If you can only talk about negative things then this site should close down. Who wants to hear all bad things without the positive?

causemommysaid

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 10:51 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Really? You need to discuss material wealth to be yourself? That is all you can think of that is worthy of conversation?

What about chinuch, emotions, religion, politics, books, philosophy, funny things that happen, relationships, cute stories about your kids, and many more topics?

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 11:15 pm

I don't think it can or should be policed but I do see where there is room for sensitivity. I'm having a particular struggle right now, in an area where I'm definitely more of a have than a have not, but it is painful for me to log on and see posts about people who have more of what I desperately want/need right now and can't/don't have and wont for the foreseeable future. That's not their fault, but it's definitely not fun seeing it.

Mommyg8

Tue, Nov 12 2019, 11:33 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

This is a beautiful post and exactly what I wanted to say just you said it better Smile

.

It's true that people should work on their jealousy, but we Jews have a tradition that we try not to hurt anybody else and sometimes some posts can be hurtful to people who are really struggling.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 10:51 am

I think there is a huge difference between asking questions about expensive items on an internet site and flaunting wealth in an untactful manner when dealing with one's friends.

I think the example of the sheitel for $10,000 was not meant to be taken literally but where else can a frum woman ask about items that are unique to a frum lifestyle? And that would include not just sheitels but other consumer stuff or even clothing. Again, for better or worse, there are considerations that might be unique to frum sensibilities or aspirations or whatever even if not for one's specific community.

In other words, I might not need ten matching outfits for my children or whatever, but I recognize that this is something that other women on this site have a need for or where else can they get useful answers from women who understand all the constraints, needs etc.

In terms of dealings with friends, it's completely different. Obviously I am not going to ask a not so wealthy friend or acquaintance about her opinion on something expensive nor would I particularly talk about it unless it was actually an important aspect of my life which a friend would need to be an important part of it. This isn't just about finances but if one is having a baby or one's children managed something wonderful or there is some other joy in one's life, it would be impossible to have a relationship if one didn't mention it. Even if that is frivolous, how does one have a relationship and not mention that one took a trip or is remodeling one's kitchen?

I have been in both situations in terms of my finances. I was in a difficult financial situation and my good friend is extremely wealthy. It would have been ridiculous if we got together and she didn't mention that she had flown to Europe with her family for a month. Conversely I am now in a very good financial position and have a friend who is really struggling. It would be impossible for me to not mention that I have just completely remodeled. The difference is with one rich friend, I can go into every detail and expose exactly what I am getting and even how much it is costing because she is a good source for me to really get feedback. With my poor friend, I just mention that I am having it done and answer general questions about progress because to completely avoid the topic would be ridiculous.

amother

Smokey

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 11:48 am

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

True. But it's your choice to still check this website.
I couldn't have kids all these years. Yes it hurt like hell when people were talking about being pregnant the 8th time.
If I don't want to see it online, I shouldn't check those sites that make me sad.

allthingsblue

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 11:55 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

Why do you need to talk about these things?
I dropped a friend because all she spoke about was her vacation, her nanny, her weekly manicures. I do not have any of those. It's not that I was jealous, it's just that I couldn't relate to her, and I felt she was very superficial. Never once did she ask how my kids were doing, she just bragged about how cute and smart hers are.
When I speak to my friends and family, I don't tell them about me- I ask them about them! If they ask me questions of course I answer but the point is for me to catch up with them, I don't call them to brag about me...
and I have friends and family who are single/childless/poor and I use utmost discretion when speaking to them so as to try to avoid hurting them in any way. I try to be normal but sensitive, and only bring up certain topics if outright asked.
In general being low key is a good trait.

amother

Burlywood

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 12:01 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

But it’s not the whole site. I wish there was a way to filter out whole forums. I know I can go to each individually but that’s annoying. I like clicking on recent posts and that brings up potentially painful things for me to see. I’ll also see it in the street so it won’t help much and would take away my entertainment

Jewishfoodie

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 12:07 pm

Haves and Have Nots. Very open ended.
Have children, don't have children
Have shalom Bayis, don't have shalom bayis
Have anger issues, don't have anger issues
Have friends, don't have friends.

And so on....

We are all so so very different. In millions of ways. Why single out the financial aspect of this site?

I strongly feel that what Yael did was similar to what the Bais Hamikdosh represented: All Jews are welcome. Any background, any type.. All she asks of us is that we be female.

If you're female, you're welcome here. Rich, poor, skinny, fat, old, young, in Egypt, in the USA. With children, without children. Depressed, repressed, confident, outgoing... I can do this for years.....

Come one come all!!

If you're hurt by things people post or say, just.....Shut the computer or put the phone away. Or fight your way through it. All are welcome...

(except people who like quinoa or pinworms. You guys gotta open your own site. Because I said so.)

spikta

Wed, Nov 13 2019, 1:54 pm

I, like many, find the luxury threads fascinating, and also, frankly, comforting. When I see an ad in a frum publication for say, high end properties in Yerushalayim so you can go for the chagim (because shlepping all the family to the King David for sukkos is suuuuch a bummer Very Happy

), I don't have any other additional context. It's worded as if I totally should be able to afford that kind of expense.
Here, in a thread about shoes, or shaitals or cars or whatever, there's context. It's clear that they're way out of my spending bracket and that it's not something most people consider achievable. So I can just sit back in my messy rented apartment and enjoy reading about the fantasy Smile