Home

Giving gifts when you don't attend the simcha?

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Nov 13 2019, 2:27 pm
I live out of town, and my friends are getting old enough that they are making bar mitzvahs and marrying off children. In a case where I attend the party, I would definitely bring a gift. But what about when I don't attend the wedding, or when there is no party (bar-mitzvahs in our community are celebrated with a communal kiddush and a melave malka for classmates and Rebbeim only). Am I supposed to give a gift in such a case?
Back to top

amother




Denim
 

Post  Wed, Nov 13 2019, 2:53 pm
It depends on so many things, there's no right or wrong here. If your finances allow, I would try to send something small as it shows you are thinking of the baalei simcha and the bar mitzvah boy and is very meaningful to them. Sending a gift without attending a simcha is a particularly genuine way of showing your friendship (because you're not doing it out of obligation). However, if finances or circumstances do not allow, a warm (preferably handwritten) letter or card is also touching.
Back to top

southernbubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 13 2019, 4:05 pm
I have seen people send over food to help a baal simcha. I would give a small check to a bar mitzvah boy if I was going to the kiddish. There is no obligation to give a gift when you are not attending the simcha, unless they gave your child a gift but didn't come to the simcha.
Back to top

nechamashifra




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 13 2019, 4:24 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I live out of town, and my friends are getting old enough that they are making bar mitzvahs and marrying off children. In a case where I attend the party, I would definitely bring a gift. But what about when I don't attend the wedding, or when there is no party (bar-mitzvahs in our community are celebrated with a communal kiddush and a melave malka for classmates and Rebbeim only). Am I supposed to give a gift in such a case?


Whether you attend or not, I see the gift as optional. Nice, but not an obligation. When people attend my simchas I am so touched just by the fact that they went out of their way to get dressed up and make arrangements and show up. Bringing a gift is really nice but there's no way I see it as an obligation.

I never understand when people say you should bring a gift to cover the cost of your plate. If people wanted a nice meal, they'd go to a restaurant.
Back to top

SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 13 2019, 4:31 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I live out of town, and my friends are getting old enough that they are making bar mitzvahs and marrying off children. In a case where I attend the party, I would definitely bring a gift. But what about when I don't attend the wedding, or when there is no party (bar-mitzvahs in our community are celebrated with a communal kiddush and a melave malka for classmates and Rebbeim only). Am I supposed to give a gift in such a case?


If there's just a community-wide kiddush, and you weren't specifically invited, there's no need to give a gift. If its a close friend, though, it would be nice to give something small.

Same thing if you don't attend. I give a smaller gift than I would if I attended, but still a gift.
Back to top

BetsyTacy




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 13 2019, 6:22 pm
I think it would be helpful if you discuss your affiliation since reponses will vary wildly. Someone posted that she doesn't even think people attending a simcha are required to give a gift--okay maybe required is not the right word, but it is certainly the accepted social norm to bring a gift when attending a wedding, or any other by-invitation-only event in MY social circles. (A kiddush after shul to which the whole congregation is invited is not included, although if is a close friend, a small gift would not be out of place).

Other imamother posters have made it clear that gifts are not always given at weddings. Yeah, if I went to 4 weddings a week to wish a mazel tov, I wouldn't be shelling out hundreds of dollars a week on weddings either.

The only time I give a gift to a friend's simcha when I don't attend is when I really really want to be there, but circumstances get in the way. When I was younger, a friend who I hadn't spoken to in years sent me a bar mitzvah invitation even though she lives half way across the country. I sent it back with a nice note and a check, thinking it might rekindle our relationship. Nope. I got a thank you from the bar mitzvah boy, but no contact from the mom until the next bar mitzvah a few years later. That one, I sent a nice note but no check.
Haven't heard from her since. Oh well. She probably meant well by thinking - I don't have time to keep up with you but I am having a simcha, but really, my feelings were hurt.
Back to top
Recent Topics

Page 1 of 1 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Giving up Insurance in favor of Medicaid
by et27
21 Yesterday at 11:59 pm View last post
Would you make Sheva Brochos if your husband cant attend? 15 Mon, Jan 20 2020, 6:09 pm View last post
A fair approach to family gift giving
by amother
17 Thu, Jan 16 2020, 4:56 pm View last post
by zaq
Simcha gift norms--Baltimore
by amother
12 Tue, Jan 14 2020, 10:33 pm View last post
Toms River Simcha hall
by amother
6 Fri, Jan 10 2020, 7:30 am View last post

Jump to: