Son making fun of another kid on the school bus

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amother

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 4:03 pm

On the way home, he and another boy are teaming up and singing a not nice song to another boy. Bus driver just told me about it. Son told bus driver he does not have to listen to him he only has to listen to Hashem. Help what do I do? Say to my son?

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 4:06 pm

Please please involve the principal in this. Bullying on the bus is the worst and should not be tolerated.
DD was bullied on the bus one year, I'll never forget it. Bh we involved the principal and she enforced strict policies. A kid who bullies may not ride the bus.

browser

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 4:11 pm

I think he gave you the answer. Hashem does not allow this behavior. I really suggest you be very strict about it and not let him get away with this. It can be very damaging to both him and the other child

amother

Crimson

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 4:13 pm

If I was the other kids mother I'd have plenty to say to you and your son. None of it very pleasant. Whatever you do you should also tell him to apologise to the bus driver for his rudeness

amother

White

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 4:15 pm

You do not want to encourage your son to be chutspadik to the adults entrusted with his care such as parents, rebbe, bus driver. The bus driver is telling him the rule of the bus which is no teasing. As parent for the good of your child as well you will want to reinforce this. If he has any questions yes he can come to you, Hashem made you his parent in charge of him. And focus on the middos Hashem wants of us.
How old is he?
I would refocus him on his actions, choices, behaviors. He can write an apology note to the boy as well as the bus driver.

amother

Coral

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 4:26 pm

The listening to Hashem part is easy. One of Hashem's rules is you respect your elders, and listen to the adults in charge. This includes the bus driver. Another one of Hashem's rules is no being mean to other kids.

Also tell him if he can't behave on the bus, he's not going to be able to ride the bus. And that means that a parent will have to drive him. And if a parent has to take time out of their day to drive him, he's going to have to pay them for their time (either in money or chores).

Librarian

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 4:49 pm

It's wonderful you are taking this seriously. Not everyone would. Kudos to you!

Cheiny

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 4:55 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

Tell him that Hashem does not allow making fun of other people, and additionally that your son made a chillul Hashem by doing so in front of the bus driver! You should definitely give him a consequence he won’t enjoy to make him remember it the next time he contemplates behaving that way.

little neshamala

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 5:19 pm

Agree with the above posts, just wanted to add that your son needs to apologize to this child immediately, and tell him he wont ever do it again.
He also needs to tell his partner on the bus that he wont be teasing anyone anymore.

groisamomma

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 5:22 pm

Taking bus privileges away hurts the parent, not the child.

Laiya

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 5:29 pm

OP, I think you want to focus on what you can do to cultivate empathy in your ds.

Also, does this behavior seem out of character for him? Sometimes otherwise nice kids can get caught up with bullying. If your ds is old enough, maybe you can discuss this with him. What makes people decide to go along with someone who's being mean? He needs confidence to be assertive. You can role-play, and there are also youtube videos on how to speak up to bullies and for victims.

The empathy should go for the bus driver too. Kids can understand that even a grown up feels good when a child says Good morning and thank you. He can understand that it must be a hard job to drive a bus full of kids. (There's also the kiddush Hashem aspect you may wish to discuss.)

I agree he should apologize to both the bus driver and the boy, but the apology should come from him to be sincere. It should include him saying why what he did was wrong, and what he will do next time in the future.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 5:36 pm

Groisamomma, the point of a bully not being allowed on the bus is not to hurt the bully, it's that the bully shouldn't be there to hurt other kids. It's just too bad on the parent, part of life.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 5:53 pm

groisamomma wrote:

Taking bus privileges away hurts the parent, not the child.

Sometimes that's the only way for parents to take misbehavior seriously (not referring to op).

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 6:10 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Talk to him about why he did it. Talk about how he would feel if kids did that to him.

And while you're at it, talk to him about the Torah perspective on respecting elders and on bullying.

Then, action.

First, he needs to apologize to both the bus driver and the other child. I'd have him call the other child. You might want to talk to the parents -- tell them that you just learned of this, you are taking action to make sure it doesn't happen again, invite them to call you if there are further issues. Then have your son apologize.

He will need to sit at the front of the bus, and not with the other child he acted out with, until you can be sure that he's learned his lesson.

Then, some empathy learning. Something to help others.

amother

Copper

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 8:37 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

Sometimes that's the only way for parents to take misbehavior seriously (not referring to op).

Sometimes good parents have a child that has a tendency to bully. It’s difficult for the parent to see that the child bullies as well.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 9:07 pm

Exactly this can be a way to get them to confront reality and do something about it.

sarahmalka

Mon, Nov 18 2019, 9:41 pm

Librarian wrote:

It's wonderful you are taking this seriously. Not everyone would. Kudos to you!

I was going to say the same thing! Having just tonight had a terrible experience with a (former) friend completely not owning up to what her child did to mine and saying that at some point children are responsible for their own actions and there's nothing she can or will do. Mad

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Nov 19 2019, 1:11 am

This happened to me! My daughter was pulled from the bus for 2 days.....by me! I was really tough on her! She went with me to buy the kid a big bag of goodies and a gift. She gave it to the other girl and apologized and I was then in close contact with the bus monitor to make sure it stopped. (Just that you have a background here, my daughter was bullied for awhile by a kid and then the kid asked my daughter to join ranks with her and bully another child, she was so excited and so she did.....! If she was the ringleader the consequence would be much higher) I also called the principal and reported the other girls doing it, I told her I am dealing with my daughter but I am not comfortable calling all the other parents.
for those saying keeping the kid off the bus hurts the parent, well guess what, until it is fixed the victim cannot ride the bus so I think it makes more sense that the parent of the bully deal with the difficult consequence than the parent of the vicitim)

(if it helps my daughter was 6)

amother

Lemon

Tue, Nov 19 2019, 1:18 am

Op, I agree with Librarian who said you're a great mother for taking charge, and not taking the easy way out. Also want to point out, that since you know your child, think about how you can bring the child over to your side and find the best way to help him 'climb down the tree' with his dignity intact.
I know a lot of us mothers here are just mad at kids who bully helpless kids and just want to see them penalized, but as a parent, you have to think about this as a teaching moment for your child. How will you best reach him without him getting lost to the teaching moment to resentment?
Don't have any good ides, but putting it out there as food for thought...

amother

Plum

Tue, Nov 19 2019, 1:58 am

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

Exactly this can be a way to get them to confront reality and do something about it.

Shes literally asking for advice on how to do something about it.
Maybe stop saying "do something" and "take this seriously" and give her advice?