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DD's classmate showing inappropriate pictures
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 7:59 pm
My dd - 13years old complained that a classmate is busy running after her with her camera and showing her untznius pictures ( a mixture of untznius and pictures that aren't appropriate ) she asked her to stop a few times but she keeps on doing it.It doesn't help that she is our neighbor too.

her school doesn't allow wi-fi on camera's but they are lax about following up.

my daughter recently got a new camera and has the wi-fi on it as we were just lazy to remove it.

I really don't want to report this girl to the principal as I'm afraid what they will do to her and can't to speak to her mother as she isn't the regular either..different issued with other kid s in the family.

any ideas how to handle it - as I'm not comfortable having something show inappropriate pics (undressed people etc..) and I'm so not comfortable saying something negative re a girl as I'm not sure how the school will take this...its a very frum school...

any ideas?
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Optione




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My dd - 13years old complained that a classmate is busy running after her with her camera and showing her untznius pictures ( a mixture of untznius and pictures that aren't appropriate ) she asked her to stop a few times but she keeps on doing it.It doesn't help that she is our neighbor too.

her school doesn't allow wi-fi on camera's but they are lax about following up.

my daughter recently got a new camera and has the wi-fi on it as we were just lazy to remove it.

I really don't want to report this girl to the principal as I'm afraid what they will do to her and can't to speak to her mother as she isn't the regular either..different issued with other kid s in the family.

any ideas how to handle it - as I'm not comfortable having something show inappropriate pics (undressed people etc..) and I'm so not comfortable saying something negative re a girl as I'm not sure how the school will take this...its a very frum school...

any ideas?

I don't quite get the bolded. Your daughter comes first...
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amother




Ruby
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:03 pm
you can tell your daughter to tell the girl that if she tries to show her the pix again then she will grab the camera and throw it as far as possible and/or break it.
my guess is the girl will stop.

also empowers your 13 year old daughter how to set and hold and enforce boundaries someone else is not respecting -- this is only after she has told her several times which she has already done.

and whats the girl going to do? report DD? because then the whole story of the reason for her doing so will then come out

she will be motivated to respect dd's boundaries and her as a person

and dd will feel supported and know she can handle things

and yes sometimes ya gotta "punch" the bully after words do not work with that behavior
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amother




Chocolate
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:05 pm
Can you speak to the girl and let her know that what she's doing is making DD uncomfortable. Ask her to stop and let her know that if she doesn't you'll have to tell the school that she's breaking rules and/or her mother. I assume that hearing from an adult will let her know that her game.is up, and she'll stop if she's scared of the consequences.
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shaqued_almond




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:05 pm
OK so we don't know what made this girl do this so I don't want to judge her, but you can speak to her personally. Just tell her that you know about the pictures, your daughter wants her to stop and it's not appropriate. Surely she is aware that the school and her parents wouldn't allow this but you're giving her a chance to stop it. If she feels like talking about it, there could be potential abuse involved, then you can offer to help. But if after that talk she still does it and there's no emotional issue then tell her you're assuming she's just trying to be provocative and you'll have to inform her parents

Last edited by shaqued_almond on Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:12 pm; edited 1 time in total
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:11 pm
I don't get what the WIFI has to do with anything, so I won't address that.

She wants to get a rise out of your daughter, and she's succeeding, Its semi-bullying behavior. IMNSHO, your DD should say something like "yeah, and? who cares?" No rise, no more fun. It won't solve the problem for everyone, but it will stop her from harassing your DD.
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amother




Lemon
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:19 pm
I was this girl in school years ago, wow
I showed a girl in my class a pic I took of my uncle in his boxers- how I got it is another story.
Girl must've told her parents cuz the next day the principal called me in and admonished me, and when I got home my parents did as well.
I was very immature and only saw it slightly inappropriate vs super inappropriate how as adult would.
I think that's the reason the principal didn't push it further. My parents were very embarrassed.
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tilot37354




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 8:58 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My dd - 13years old complained that a classmate is busy running after her with her camera and showing her untznius pictures ( a mixture of untznius and pictures that aren't appropriate ) she asked her to stop a few times but she keeps on doing it.It doesn't help that she is our neighbor too.

her school doesn't allow wi-fi on camera's but they are lax about following up.

my daughter recently got a new camera and has the wi-fi on it as we were just lazy to remove it.

I really don't want to report this girl to the principal as I'm afraid what they will do to her and can't to speak to her mother as she isn't the regular either..different issued with other kid s in the family.

any ideas how to handle it - as I'm not comfortable having something show inappropriate pics (undressed people etc..) and I'm so not comfortable saying something negative re a girl as I'm not sure how the school will take this...its a very frum school...

any ideas?


Call the girls parents. Tell them you don't want to tell principle and get their daughter in trouble (they'll appreciate that, and should put them in a receptive mode), but it's a problem for your daughter and you need them to speak to their child and get it to stop. Make sure not to sound accusatory or upset at them, or they'll get all defensive and conversation will go downhill. Be very thankful and appreciative when they say they'll try, so they'll hang up on a positive note and hopefully will actually follow through.

Edit: truth is, you should try to find out what story is in this girl's house before calling. If it's an unhealthy domestic situation or abusive parent(s), then calling may be a bad idea. Not all parents are equipped to be parents or handle such situations appropriately.

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:
you can tell your daughter to tell the girl that if she tries to show her the pix again then she will grab the camera and throw it as far as possible and/or break it.
my guess is the girl will stop.

also empowers your 13 year old daughter how to set and hold and enforce boundaries someone else is not respecting -- this is only after she has told her several times which she has already done.

and whats the girl going to do? report DD? because then the whole story of the reason for her doing so will then come out

she will be motivated to respect dd's boundaries and her as a person

and dd will feel supported and know she can handle things

and yes sometimes ya gotta "punch" the bully after words do not work with that behavior


I wouldn't do this. Having DD involved in enforcement sets bad precedent, and if anything goes wrong, you'll be in defendants box instead of prosecutors. Devolving to violence or violent threats is not the answer. This isn't the "hood", where you need to beat up the big kid on the block to earn respect and street cred.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 9:27 pm
I'm really surprised at all this. 13 seems pretty young, and this is the sort of thing you expect from bochurim, not from young girls. If this girl is bothering your DD, she's probably bothering other girls, too.

This is a school problem. They need to know about it, and get on top of it. You can call the principle from someone else's phone and tell them that you would really like to keep things anonymous, so that there will be no backlash against your DD from that girl or her family.

I'm not saying this because I want to see this girl get punished, it's because she's obviously in need of help, and acting out. Something is going on behind this behavior.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 9:35 pm
Thanks everyone for your replies. This girl is the youngest daughter from a large family. A few of the kids have issues, I'm not sure what as I'm really not a gossiper but l some kids turned different some moved away from the parents. The parent for sure can't handle it I wouldn't talk to them. I guess I will have to tell my dd to tell her that she told her mother and she said she has to stop otherwise will tell the school. We're oot so the community is pretty small we can't be anonymous.

Hopefully she'll stop but really can't trust her as she is a neighbor my dd spends time with her Shabbos and other days with homework etc...
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 10:03 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hopefully she'll stop but really can't trust her as she is a neighbor my dd spends time with her Shabbos and other days with homework etc...


If the family is sketchy and the girl is inappropriate, why are you letting them spend so much time together? I really do hope that they are spending all of this time in your home, and under close supervision.
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amother




Coral
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 10:29 pm
I know this wasn’t the issue but since it wasn’t brought up ..
Please tell your daughter how proud you are and impressed with her maturity, that she came to tell you about this even if she was uncomfortable and she didn’t want to rat out her friend.
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chestnut




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 11:24 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
it's because she's obviously in need of help, and acting out. Something is going on behind this behavior.


Why is it a 100% that something must be going on behind this behavior?
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chestnut




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 11:26 pm
OP, can you give examples of "a mixture of untznius and pictures that are inappropriate"?
Victoria Secret models? Girls in shorts and spaghetti strap tops? Naked pics? Men and women kissing? Having relations?
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groisamomma




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 20 2019, 11:35 pm
chestnut wrote:
OP, can you give examples of "a mixture of untznius and pictures that are inappropriate"?
Victoria Secret models? Girls in shorts and spaghetti strap tops? Naked pics? Men and women kissing? Having relations?


What difference does it make? Her DD is uncomfortable with whatever it is, and she should be the one to decide what she wants to see, not us. It's harassment and needs to stop. I agree with posters saying you should speak to the girl directly. If that doesn't work, go to the principal. Your DD comes first.
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amother




Gray
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 1:29 am
I think at this age your daughter should be the one to handle her classmate, you can guide her how to stand her ground.
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salt




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 2:28 am
I agree with posters who have suggested speaking to DD's friend directly.
If you ever bump into her outside, or she's round at your house, tell her by no means is she allowed to show DD any more photos. Threaten her that you'll report her.
Kids can be scared of friend's parents. She might be startled by the fact that you know.
That might be enough to make her back off.

I admire how you're being sensitive towards this girls family who sounds like they have other issues.
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DrMom




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 3:10 am
salt wrote:
I agree with posters who have suggested speaking to DD's friend directly.
If you ever bump into her outside, or she's round at your house, tell her by no means is she allowed to show DD any more photos. Threaten her that you'll report her.
Kids can be scared of friend's parents. She might be startled by the fact that you know.
That might be enough to make her back off.

I admire how you're being sensitive towards this girls family who sounds like they have other issues.

I don't.

I agree with the approach of having your DD confront her directly, or having you mention this to her parents and having them deal with the issue.


Last edited by DrMom on Thu, Nov 21 2019, 3:11 am; edited 1 time in total
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blessedflower




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 3:11 am
I do pity this girl a lot. I don't know why. Your dd definitely comes first. And I would do everything to stop this behaviour. I would also only let this kid come to my house and not the other way around. But what you say that this kid comes from a family with issues, it makes me wonder what is going on in this kids life. It seems she could really use some help. I feel bad for her
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chefmama




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Nov 21 2019, 5:39 am
groisamomma wrote:
What difference does it make? Her DD is uncomfortable with whatever it is, and she should be the one to decide what she wants to see, not us. It's harassment and needs to stop. I agree with posters saying you should speak to the girl directly. If that doesn't work, go to the principal. Your DD comes first.


I agree. It is irrelevant how we want to define what is inappropriate here. What matters is that OP dd feels uncomfortable, she knows herself what is right for her to see vs not. Also, I agree with the poster who said to have your daughter spend Shabbos/homework at your home where you can keep an eye on things. Whilst it is nice of you to care about not wanting to tell on this girl, (seems she has a lot going on at home) OP, your daughter comes first. She is your responsibility. She came to you openly about how she feels. Please listen to her, take action. You have raised an amazing daughter, she feels comfortable talking to you- wow! Do whatever you need to protect her. I would speak to the school without hesitation. If your daughter sees you standing up her, for what is right, she'll learn to do the same. She's already learning it, she came to you.
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